One day, my shielding theory fell to pieces, uncovering reality. I was sitting at home getting ready for school the next day, when my father called. He asked, "Can I talk to your mom?" (which he never does). It sounded as though my father had been crying... my heart seemed to skip a beat because I knew something was wrong.
I said, "She isn't home right now, do you want me to have her call you?" But he said no.
He called again later, and I heard my mother crying in the kitchen. At the same exact second my sister and I started crying, because we both knew what had happened, (even without being told). My grandmother had passed away a couple days before, and my father was going to take us to California to attend her funeral.
When we got to California, there was not much I could say to make myself believe an imaginary story that I wanted so badly to play in my mind of why we were there. I tried time and time again to think that my father was just kidding, and there was a wonderful surprise waiting for us at my grandmother's house. I was fifteen years old, and I knew better. There was no surprise, and I'd known that all along. Especially when we pulled off the main road just before Randsburg, to go look at my grandfather's grave and my grandmother's, where she soon would lay.
At the viewing, the whole town of Randsburg attended, paying their respect to my family. When I walked in, I was stunned and out of breath. We were actually attending a funeral, a memorial for a loved one, (I had never been to one before). I felt that a part of me was missing, and could never be replaced.
My cousin David said, "She always spoke of you. She said you two were her angels. You were always her favorite grandchildren," to me and my sister. It made my heart ache to be held in her fragile embrace just one more time.
After the memorial, we went up to my grandmother's house so everyone could claim something special for themselves, as a reminder. I was given one of her watches, but I didn't put it away to just sit and gather dust only to be found years later and remembered. As I walked through her house, memories of when I was younger played through my head as though they were just yesterday.
My sister and I would take this bag full of pots and pans, and we'd go make mud pies in the hot sun of the desert near my grandmother's house. As I was standing looking around the dried yard, I just kept thinking that all I wanted to do was play with them one last time. (Just pretend like I was five years old again, and my grandmother was inside making peaches with sugar). I gained some sort of hope, and I could feel myself brighten a little as I quickly walked to the closet where the bag had been kept... it was gone.
I was ready to go, so I got back into the car and waited for everyone else. The feeling I will always remember is when I thought about not ever coming back, I didn't cry. I accepted it for what it was and let my eyes say their good-byes across the familiar yard and house. I was surprised at my strong thoughts and how they kept me together, and have always been with me.
I discovered that nothing is forever, and nothing is perfect. Things will come and go as they are passed to you. Shortly after we returned home, a friend told me something I will never forget: "Roll with the punches, and take life's problems one at a time as they are thrown at you."
~Emily Adams February 7, 2002