| A Page of Poems |
| A Naughty Little Poem She whispered "will it hurt me?" "Of course not" answered he "It's a very simple process, You can rely on me" She said "I'm very frightened. I've not had this before My friend has had it five times and said it can be sore" It was growing very painful Tears were growing in her eyes It was hurting quite a bit now It must of been a size. "Calm yourself" he whispered His face filled with a grin "Try and open wider so i can get it in." "It's coming now" he whispered "I know" she cried in bliss Feeling it deep within her now She said "i'm glad i'm having this" And a final effort She gave a frightened shout He gripped it in anguish And quickly pulled it out She lay back quite contented Sighed and gave a smile She said "I'm glad i came now" You made it worth my while Now if you read this carefully The dentist you will find Is not what you imagined It's just your dirty mind |
| Swiss-Army Mother I came accross this one day And this is what I found I have a new commodity and it won't cost you a pound It cooks It cleans It vacuums It mops This amazing new model Well it never stops It does beds It does bathrooms It does lawns It does gutters And you don't have to listen To a word that it utters It computes and concretes And will service your car I'm telling you you need one Whoever you are At the click of your fingers It will adapt and evolve There is no problem this little number can't solve It even does homework And bandages knees All with the same command: A firm please It's coating impervious shiny and bright Will work through day And be on call all night It's the thinking mans toolbox The Spanner for the job The deluxe model you'll find Even polishes knobs It slices and dices it dusts and trims It is there to cater for all your whims It's a technition mechanic, landscaper And more I tell you you won't find this one in a store It's better than a girlsfriend Better than a wife And you'd better believe it it's as sharp as a knife Iron in one hand mouse in the other The Totally Adaptable Swiss Army-Mother. |
| A Bedtime Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man who's not a creep One who's handsome smart and strong Who's not affraid to admit when he's wrong One who thinks before he speaks One who promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks I pray that he is gainfully employed Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed Pulls out my char and opens my door Massages my back and begs to do more Oh send me a man to make love to my mind Knows what to say when i ask him, how fat is my behind One who'll make love till my body is itching Brings me a sandwich too when he goes to the kitchen I pray that this man will love me to no end And never compare me to my best friend Thankyou in advance, now I'll just wait For I know you will send him before it's to late Amen..... |
| A Dieters Prayer Lord grant me the strength that i may not fall into the clutches of cholesterol At polyunsaturates i'll never mutter For the road to hell is paved with butter And cake is cursed and cream is awful And satan is hiding in every waffle Beelzebub is a chocolate drop And Lucifer is a lollipop Teach me the evils of Hollandaise of pasta and globs of mayonnaise And crisp fried chicken from the south Lord if you love me shut my mouth...... |