"Are you ok, girl?"
"I am always here. Always."
My friends hear the song in my heart and sing it to me when my memory fails.
Time is all I have. Love is all I have to give. I'm running out of steam. I'm running out of tears. All I have left is time. And I still haven't seen Mike. By the time I see him tommorrow it will be a full week. That's weak. I get carried away. But I can't help it. This is the firstreal life or death experience I've ever been a part of. And it had to be Lynn. And her crazy hick. (luv ya mike) of everyone, it had to be them. I just want her to wake up. It's a little thing. Kinda. Im so scared. I hate being alone. I loved it at Meggs yesterday. I wasn't alone. I was with everyone. Even when I was sitting on the deck by myself. I wasn't alone. I could hear Pat laughing. I could hear Meggs tramping up the stairs. I could smell Lisa's cigarette smoke. I could see John sitting in a lawn chair. Every minute I spend here I can't think straight. Every minute you guys aren't beside me I feel like I'm gonna go crazy. And it's summer. School isn't technically done yet, but its summer. You can feel it. Just take a walk outside and close your eyes. take a deep breath. yea... remember all the times you've done that. all the bike rides. all the walks. All the river tours. or just tours cuz you had wheels and gas and time to kill. All the times you were trashed and you just laid in the grass because you could and looked up at the stars.
"Friendship is genuine when two friends can enjoy each others company without speaking a word to one another." Sometimes I just loose it. "I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy."
I hate feeling weak or useless. I hate it that all I want more then anything in the world is for someone to hold me. .:thank-you tragedy:. For the first time in I don't know how long I'm not thinking about relationships I'm not thinking about boys and everything they make me consider. I'm not weighing every move I make. I'm not thinking anymore. I'm fried but stone sober all at once. My hands keep falling asleep. I'm slightly concerned, not enough to actually do anything about it. I wish I had the faith that others have. It's all I can do to hang on.
06/11/02
at work...the edited version
I'm so incredibly antsy... just give me something to concentrateon and I'll be good but if you can't at least distract my mind with useless typist prattle there is nothing i love more then getting a parking ticket nothing in the whole wide world i hate this waiting I wish I was right there in the quiet room waiting for her to wake up i wish I could be there when she opens her eyes. "I have no idea what you're going thru." no you don't but I seriously don't know what I'd do without you. I thought of one thing that I want more in this whole world then to tell you.. and i really want to tell you. To be honest. One thing I want more is for Lynn to wake up. That's my only dream. My only hope.. is that she wakes up and is all better. Then Stussy can stop tempting us with her cancer sticks.. cuz right now i can only think of one thing more tempting. But its even more illegal. but i dont care.
at home...still edited careful careful don't give it away once you let it out of it's cage you can never get it back and he told you.. he told you flat out that the other wouldn't be able to handle it and look what you've done now. Now you have to tell him something else.. good thing you can think quick on your feet and good thing he had to go. otherwise you'd be screwed.
emperorincxt = emperor in crazytown..
do you comprehend?
somehow i think no one will... sometimes i know no one will... but i hope you do.
I play these little games with you to keep me sane you are helping me by being right here reading these words on the screen. some days my screen is my only company. I miss Lindsay...
20020618
I don't want to be lonely I just want to be alone
between silverchair and the deftones. I feel so alive. And it sucks. Lynn looks alive now. she doesn't look dead. But this is almost worse. cuz now your mind is constantly trippin when you see her. she looks like she's just sleeping.
Education is a weapon, whose effect depends on who holds it in his hands and at
whom it is aimed. -- Joseph Stalin
i just wish she would wake up i know it sounds stupid and that i should be patient and shes in a coma and she's come a long way and all that but.....
.....still.
Lynn I Dare you to Wake Up. Triple dog dare you hunny. If you don't take this dare.. my lord. you know what'll happen... we gotta deal remember? and besides.. koert's smoking too much anyways... ya gotta help her out cuz i dont think she can help herself with this one.
when will I ever learn that no matter how hard I try I can't get
"Remember that just because they don't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." outta my head.
its becoming a mantra.
"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength." -- August Wilson
when darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore aww lynn come back to me hun.. it's so dark i can see pluto.
20020619
try to breathe memories over taking me i try to face them but the thought is too much to concive i only know that i can change everything else just stays the same
Lynn your my air.. come home babe...
20020624
and there's this burning like there's always been and i've never been so alone and I've never been so alive... so alive... ahhh.. summer. the time we would miss anyone more then ever.. and lynn lives for summer.. well hun nows the time to wake up.. you really really dont wanna miss this one.. ah im empty. of thoughts and feelings and bah. im done. i betcha i can still cry tho. i realised i'm not half as strong as i thought i was. but im still better off by lynn's side holding her hand watching her eyes flutter then any where else in the world. If i could possibly find a way to be there all the time i would be. if there was anyway whatsoever.. ultraviolence ;lynn i found it; yea it took me this long and a cable modem but i found it!! hehe only psychodrama tho.. none of the rest is on kazaa.. s'ok tho cuz psychodrama's the best anyways!
you're falling back to me the star that i can't see i know your out there somewhere out there you're falling out of reach defying gravity i know your out there somewhere out there i miss your purple hair i miss the way you taste i know your looking back someday on a bed of nails i wait i pray that you dont burn out or fade away falling back to me i know i know
don't turn around i dont want you to see my heart breakin don't turn around i dont want you seeing me cry i wish i could scream out loud that i love you i wish i could say to you don't go
the beginnings of my diary.. i had forgotten that i wrote this...
