We left Hong Kong the next day. I was of course worried about what the fuck Akio was planning. Jia was surprised, but nonetheless happy to see him. Toki and Akio hugged and they talked and had a cigarette as they talked in the lobby of Jia's apartment. Anyway, Jia was going over plans with Tai on the phone on our way to the airport. Kenimin had gotten a limo for more comfort as we all sat inside, Toki by Jia, Kenimin across from him, Lotus beside him, I sat beside Lotus, as Akio sat on Kenimin's other side, talking to Toki while Jun and Mikkie sat on Lotus's other side. Jia went over what he had learned about Hong Kong with Tai so they could get started on whatever paperwork was required. They spoke about it the entire ride to the airport, Lotus with her head bowed and down, her hands on her lap, a good inch of space between her and Jia. Toki on the other hand was slouched back in his seat, his one hand holding a cigarette up, the other resting on his knee since his leg was over Jia's. Kenimin didn't say anything. He didn't even seem surprised. Akio would glance over at me every now and then but then go back to his conversation with Toki. Kenimin wished us well on our flight back to Tokyo and then...we left.

We got back to Tokyo and once Jia explained to us that we could go, I picked up my bags and started leaving. I was a little tired...and hungry. I wasn't in the mood to do much of anything but get some food into my system. I stuck my earphone in my ear and walked away. I only got as far as the next terminal when I felt someone touch my shoulder. I spun around quickly as I saw Akio. I pulled the earphone out of my ear, Pierrot's rhythm of Purple Sky still beating away as I said,

"What?"

"Wanted to talk to you Baby-chu."

I rolled my eyes and walked away as he walked up beside me.

"Still pissed huh?"

"What's it to you?"

"I'm just stating the obvious. Are you gonna tell me I'm right?"

"Right about what?"

"Right about you being mad because I'm listening to Aoki."

"Fuck off."

"I thought so. You gotta stop being such a brat Baby-chu."

"I'm not a brat. I just don't wanna hear it. And you can be my partner and you can be my big brother. But that's it right? Right. So let it stay that way."

"Hey we are friends."

"Friends comes with strings you can't help pulling."

He glared at me for a second, like he was insulted by what I just said. As if I was wrong. He then grabbed my arm, his grip so tight it actually hurt as he turned me towards him and got in my face as he said,

"Listen Joryu, I'm doing my best not to kick your little young ass for being so fuckin disrespectful, but you're makin it real, REAL hard for me not to. I'm doing my best here to be nice to you and you're just pushing my fuckin buttons."

I glared back, not afraid of him though he was hurting my arm as I said,

"I don't give a fuck what you're trying to do Akio. You drew the line I'm just following it."

"Don't you even see why I'm listening to Aoki?"

"I don't really care anymore."

"He's a friend. I respect him. Simple as that."

I snatched my arm away as I said,

"Yeah real simple. It's why I decided to listen to him too."

I walked away again as I got outside. I caught a cab and threw my luggage in the trunk as I got in and then told him to take me home. I rubbed my arm on the way home though...Akio's grip is deadly.

I had grown hard inside after just two weeks. It was so strange when I realized that. I sat in my apartment that night, looking down at my left arm as I rolled up the sleeve to my shirt, noticing a ring of bruises from where Akio grabbed me. Damn...that wasn't short of a few hours ago and I already started bruising. I rubbed my arm as I thought, wondering why I was being so cold to him. He was right...he respected Aoki and he didn't want to cause trouble between them...he wasn't Toki. He knew he would loose in a fist fight with Aoki...so it made sense. I guess I was just mad at everything and that was just added to the pile. I didn't want to go back on what I said to Akio though. That would be like going back on the past two weeks that I had spent making myself cold on the inside. I did miss him though. And now more then ever I saw what I was doing.

I didn't want to be left anymore.

So I would never be left again. I didn't want anyone close to me anymore...I realized that now. Whoever was suppost to be close to me ended up leaving me instead. Those who were suppost to love me most, abandoned me in the end. Akio wouldn't have me for nothing more then his thrill and that was it. I didn't want to end up like Mikkie. As much respect as I had for Mikkie, as a person, he was almost sad to watch. He loved Toki, but Toki was out and about, throwing down and worst off telling him he loved him too but then turned around and told Jia the same thing. Mikkie said nothing, but if he thought no one was looking and you saw him and Toki together, he's happy. Life shines in his eyes for the first time and he does his best to hold back a smile so no one would see. I don't want to end up like that. Though I have to also admit to myself that if Akio and I did get together, even on sexual grounds, I would want more. I wouldn't satisfied with having him a couple of times until he got bored. I would want to be with him and he wouldn't want me like that. It's my rather desperate act of wanting to be loved, to be needed and wanted. I've had tastes of it all and I want more. I want to be told I need you, I want you, I love you. Things that don't make me feel so lonely. I laid down on my bed, rubbing my arm still because it hurt when I tensed it as I thought about where these thoughts and feelings came from. I never had such a desire to be needed. I always thought more about wanting to please. I wanted to do something right and make someone happy. Not my mother though I did try for a while. Aoki, always. When I was a kid I always wanted to have Aoki say to me, I'm proud of you. He never did. I thought that if I did good in school, he would come back and stay and then maybe I could have a normal family. I thought if my mother told him I behaved well, he would think, oh I have a well behaved son, I want to say. He never did. I thought if I stayed out of trouble and listened to what my mother said, he would love me more. He didn't. I stopped trying so hard as I got older because I started realizing that no matter what I did, good or bad, Aoki would never be my father, he would just be Aoki. He barely spoke to me when I was growing up, he hardly saw me. When he did it was only out of annoyance he picked me up and held me. He bought me toys and shit when I was younger because it would make me leave him alone. When I got older it was the same thing. He bought me clothes and a car so my attention would be distracted. A phone call was much better then actually seeing me because he could be anywhere in the world and he didn't have to look at me. With Miya it was almost the same. I wanted to make him happy but I couldn't because of greed. I wanted to find out who I was, what I could do. And I scared Miya in the process of discovering that I was this killing machine that felt no remorse when I shot someone. I wanted Miya, I still want Miya but somewhere in my mind I knew I didn't deserve him. Not after what I put him through. Again, greed made me want him, reason made me understand why I couldn't have him.

I got up after a while and took a shower and then got in bed. I didn't sleep right away, I just stared at the space beside me where Miya use to sleep. I rubbed my hand over his pillow, wishing he was with me. Eventually I did fall asleep, but only after torturing myself with missing him. I got up the next morning around nine, turning over on my back and glancing up at the ceiling. I imaged myself looking horrible, my eyes blood shot with bags under them. I checked the time, seeing it was fifteen to ten, so I got up and went to shower. I heard my cell phone ringing as I towel dried my hair. I picked it up only for it to be Jia. he asked where I was and I told him home.

"Is there a reason you're home at ten in the morning?"

"Um...I just woke up."

"Oh....I see. Well do me a favor Aka-chan."

"Hai?"

"Can you do me the honor of gracing me with your presence? I have a meeting I need to start and I just can't do it without you."

Jia's sarcasm made me frown as I said,

"Gomen...I'll be there soon."

"Thank you."

We hung up as I went about rushing to get ready and then fifteen minutes later, I was out the door, lighting a cigarette along the way. I got to Jia's office almost half an hour later. There was an accident on my way there and the cab had to go in a different route. So much for thinking a cab would get me there faster. Anyway, once I got to Jia's office, I found everyone was sitting there waiting on me. I bowed my head as I said,

"I'm sorry, there was an accident and-"

Jia raised his hand as he said,

"It's okay. It's nothing to serious but I decided to have everyone here. It's why this is so important."

I stood among everyone else as Jia said,

"Everyone here can problem remember some years back I went to Kyoto to meet up all the oyabuns from around Japan ne?"

Everyone nodded except me because I never heard of that before. Jia then explained.

"See Aka-chan, when I was first starting out, I had to be tested by all the other owners of Japan at the time. Now, since I own it all, they've arranged to see me, meet up with a lot of them and see how everything has been these past couple of years. It's a lot easier then going all over Japan."

"Oh...sou ka."

Jia then went to explain how he had received notice through Nishiki that the other sub owners of Japan wanted to see Jia, holding a conference in Kyoto was the easiest thing to do, so, Jia was going to go.

"I'll probably take my usual people. Tai will remain in charge while I'm away and everyone else will be aware that things need to stay correct while I'm away. If anything for some reason should come up, you all know what to do. Hold it off for as long as you can until I get back."

Everyone nodded as I wondered who Jia would take to accompany him to this. I wasn't chosen to go which in a way was bad since I did want to go, it would give me more experience but Jia didn't want me to go. He even explained to me why I shouldn't go.

"It's not a fight. It's actually a business meeting. It would bore you Aka-chan. You can barely keep your eyes open now."

"Oh..."

"It's more or less like a big business meeting. You won't be missing anything I swear. But if something does come up, I'll send for you first thing."

I nodded as Jia then let me go to work for today.

Within a few days, Jia, Toki, Aoki and Mikkie all packed up their things and headed off to Kyoto to meet up with everyone else. I was left behind though I did kinda wanna go. I was curious to meet up with all the other heads of Japan...even though they were heads placed there by Jia so they could run his empire when he wasn't in Japan. They all respected and/or feared him. Jia was...oyabun of not just the 36 Moons, but of all of Japan. It was impressive. I had some time off while Jia was in Kyoto. Tai wasn't assigning anything out of the usual because nothing was going on. I went home a few times, often just to change before I skipped out and found Hisoka and had a drink or did something. We had dinner or lunch depending on when we met up, or went shopping or just had a drink. Hisoka was a listener. He listened to me speak about everything and anything so I mostly sat there and ran my mouth. I talked about anything and everything. I even told him how much I missed Miya. He looked at me when I talked about Miya. Finally one night he just said,

"If you miss him so much, why don't you go see him?"

It was the most logical thing he asked me. I didn't know why I didn't see him. I guess I was just afraid of Miya's reaction, how he would react to seeing me again after almost four months now going on five. Plus I didn't know where to find him.

"I don't know if he wants to see me."

"He probably does. If he loved you as much as you said, then he's probably thinking about you too."

"I wouldn't know where to start."

"You're not a tracker ne?"

"No."

"It's not too hard to track someone down if you know how to start."

"How would I start?"

"I'll do it for you. If you really wanna see Miya, I'll find him for you."

"No, I couldn't ask you to do that for me."

"It's no problem. Just give me a picture of him and his last name."

I really wanted to see him. I was dying to see him again, to see his face, to see him smile, to see how he looked again. I sighed then went into my wallet as I opened it and took out my most recent picture of Miya. I gave it to Hisoka as I said,

"Nagano. Nagano Miyabi."

Hisoka took the picture as he looked at him and said,

"He's pretty. I remember him."

"Yeah...he's beautiful."

"I'll find him for you by tomorrow night."

"Thanks."

I took a sip of my beer before I checked my watch seeing it was three in the morning. I then paid for my drinks as I said,

"I gotta go Hisoka."

"I'll call you tomorrow once I find him."

"Thanks. I'll owe you one."

"Forget. Consider it a favor."

I waved to him as I then left the bar and started on my way home. I was a little tired since I had about five beers and three shots of whisky in me. I just wanted to lay down and have a cigarette before I went to bed. When I got to my apartment building, I went inside and walked across the lobby, remembering I only had about two cigarettes left in my pocket. I could smoke one now and one tomorrow afternoon as I go buy some more once I wake up. I had no real plans for tomorrow anyway. Not until tomorrow night.

I pressed the button for the elevator when my cell phone rang. I knew it was Akio since no one else would call and Jia was out of town. I looked at the screen seeing his syndicate name blink on the screen as I answered with an annoyed sigh.

"What?"

"Where are you?"

"Home."

"Good, come to my place."

"No, why should I?"

"I wanna see you."

"No, I'm going to bed."

"Baby-chu get over here or I'm going there."

"I don't want to. I'm tired. And don't you dare come here either! I'm going to bed!"

"I'm comin over there if you don't come here."

"Fuck you! I'm going to bed!"

I hung up on him as I got in the elevator and went up to my floor. I got to my apartment and locked the door behind me as I went to change, taking a shower before getting into a clean pair of boxers and getting into bed. I was too tired for that cigarette so I just shut off the lamp and dozed off. The night lured me to bed...it was almost dawn after all...and I had spent most of my day awake. Sometime during my slumber, I felt Miya again, getting into bed beside me as he hugged me, his slender hands smoothing over my back as he kissed my shoulder. His fingers were so soft, running into my hair as he got closer to me. It was then I realized that I wasn't dreaming and I opened my eyes as I saw Akio laying beside me. I sat up quickly as I shouted at him,

"What are you doing!?"

"I told you I was gonna come here if you didn't go to my place."

"Get out! Right now."

He pulled my wrist towards him as I laid back down and he hugged me as he said,

"Tell me why you won't forgive me."

I noticed he was still dressed just lacking a coat and shoes. I looked at him as I said,

"I don't care anymore. I think we should leave it like it is, just as partners. Like Tai and Gabriel. Just partners."

He laughed as he said,

"Right, like Tai and Gabriel. Tai who calls Gabriel his Tenshi."

I glared at him as I said,

"Let go and get out."

He shook his head as I heard a soft, subtle click. I looked down as I saw he had something in his hand besides my wrist and I pulled my wrist back as I saw a handcuff hanging at the end of it. Before I could react further, Akio turned us over as he brought my arms over my head and cuffed them to the bed head. I looked up and then back down as I started kicking, screaming at him to let me out right now. He get off me as he laid beside me and said,

"We got all night to talk Baby-chu."

"Fuck you! I'm never speaking to you now!"

"Right. You'll change your mind after a few hours like that."

He sat up as he lit a cigarette and then left the room. I started screaming at him to let me out of these handcuffs but the more I screamed and shouted, the more he seemed to ignore me. I soon heard music coming from my living room...he was drowning me out. I finally got quiet and laid there for about an hour. My hands and everything above my elbow fell asleep. Near the end of the second hour, I started begging Akio to please let me out, my arms hurt so bad and my shoulders hurt too and I was exhausted from being up because I couldn't sleep through the pain. Around five that morning, my arms finally went numb and I fell asleep. When I woke up again, I saw Akio laying beside me, he was asleep too. I cursed and I wanted to hit him so badly but my arms were still up and numb. When he did wake up, he rubbed his eyes and went to the bathroom. I leaned my face against my arms I started saying

"Please....please let me go. I'll talk to you. Please....Akio. My arms really hurt."

He came back from the bathroom as he said,

"So you're ready."

I nodded as he sat beside me and said,

"So go ahead."

I looked at him as I said

"Can you undo the cuffs please. My arms fell asleep hours ago."

"After you talk."

I sighed as I said,

"I was mad at your for listening to Aoki. You were right."

"Is that it?"

"Yes."

"You sure?"

"Yeah...I was just mad a bunch of other stuff and that just added onto the pile."

"Okay. That's all I wanted to know."

He reached over my head and I heard the cuffs click open as my arms fell down and I slowly started feeling blood circulate again. I tried sitting up as he said,

"It shouldn't have come to that."

I glared at him as he kissed my cheek and said,

"I'll leave you alone okay."

He got up as he started to leave and I stopped him. I didn't want him to go.

"Get back here. My arms hurt."

He turned back as he leaned against my wall and said,

"So?"

"So, it's your fault."

He laughed as he came back and sat beside me again. He took my wrist as he rubbed it, since I had a deep red mark from where the metal of the cuff cut against me all night. My fingers were a light purple from being slightly elevated and lacking blood for hours so he rubbed those back to life. I didn't look at him...I just kept looking at his hands, watching as they rubbed against the top of my hand, smoothing down each finger as he rubbed it between his own fingers, one by one as I slowly started feeling everything again. His fingers were so smooth since he didn't have any lines or markings on his hand. Not even a callous thought that was weird because he does handle a gun like everyone else and they all have callouses on their palms. I was starting to get one myself.

"Why don't you have a callous?"

"A what?"

"A callous. On your palm. From holding a gun."

"I rub the skin against my palm with a stone so it peels off the skin there so I don't get a callous. I want my hands to be soft."

"Oh..."

Once I started moving my fingers again after being vigorously rubbed by Akio's skilled hands, he let go and said,

"Can you feel again?"

"Yeah."

"Good. I'll see you later."

"I'm scared."

He didn't move. I continued looking at my hands now on my lap as he said,

"Of what?"

"Myself. How I'm reacting to things lately. I miss Miya, I miss you. I miss speaking but I realize that I just have to learn to control and shut off my emotions and thoughts. I can't keep going like this because I'm a yakuza. Yakuza don't feel. We don't fall in love. We're not meant to be happy...unless you're a masochist."

I quoted Jia. It's true though...I saw it was true more then ever now. Akio made me look up as he said,

"What do you want from me?"

"More then you can give."

He knew what I meant. He nodded slowly as I said,

"I don't want to end up like Mikkie....loving someone I can never have for myself. So before I even start down that road, I rather avoid it all together."

"You tie too much to sex."

"It's not the sex Akio. If it was that I would be just as involved with every girl I've been fucking for the past few months. It's you. How I'm around you...how you make me feel. And I don't want it to get any worse."

He didn't say anything. But I could tell he understood. It was because I was starting to care about him that I didn't want him to fuck me anymore. I was vulnerable due to Miya leaving me. I guess he knew that. He then said,

"I can't have a relationship with you. I can't take care of you either."

"I know. Which is why I don't want this to go any further."

"I do want you though Joryu...more then you can imagine."

It felt strange hearing him call me by my whole name rather then my nickname. He leaned his forehead was against mine, his eyes closed as I sighed softly, knowing all too well how he felt. I said,

"I know...I want you too."

"Let's make it happen."

"I can't."

"Don't get your emotions involved."

"I can't do that."

"Baby-chu...?"

"Hm?"

"This is gonna happen sooner or later."

"I know."

"So let it happen."

I thought for a moment, knowing if I went through with this, it would serve to cause me problems later. I decided to risk it and worry about the consequences later and I let him kiss me.