I sat in the semi-empty apartment for hours after Miya left. I wish I knew where he was going...I wish he hadn't left. I laid in bed staring up at the ceiling having a cigarette as I rested my hand on my chest. I could feel my heart beating under my palm, under the material of my shirt, under my skin, through all the muscle, through my ribcage as it beat in pieces, broken and scattered about as I smoked. The strings of gray left my mouth, unraveling in front of me as they dissolved into the darkness of the room. I kept thinking back to what Miya said to me before he left, about how he was scared, how he couldn't live like this anymore though before he said he knew what he was getting into. Maybe I expected too much from him...to live by me like a yakuza's wife would...only Miya wasn't my wife. He was my lover...my former lover who just walked out on me after everything. Some depths of my mind told me I deserved this. I deserved him leaving me because he deserved better then me. Someone who wouldn't leave him alone for days, weeks, months on end. Someone wasn't armed to the teeth, who wouldn't lie to him, who wouldn't put him in dangerous situations....someone who wasn't a yakuza. I realized that this job had cost me everything....well actually it didn't. It just cost me the one thing I cared about most in the world. The one thing that kept me from going over the edge, keeping me from becoming what I was meant to be since birth. I put out my cigarette in the ashtray on the night stand as I turned to my side and fell asleep.

Sometime that night, my phone rang. I kept looking at me small little silver phone I had grown so use to carrying. The clear blue light filled in some darkness as it rang it's small melody. I only picked it up to turn it off as I turned over again and went back to sleep. That same night, I heard someone coming into my room and for a second, I thought it was Miya until I remembered he had left the keys here. I reached under my pillow slowly and grabbed my gun from underneath as I waited, acting as if I was still asleep. Once I felt a hand on me, I turned, shoving the gun in who ever's face as I heard,

"Relax Baby-chu. It's me."

I dropped my arm to the side as the light from my lamp filled the room. I shielded my eyes as I groaned and heard Akio saying,

"Baby-chu, why didn't you answer your phone? I got so fuckin worried."

"I didn't feel like it."

"Are you okay?"

I turned away from him as I said,

"No. Miya left me."

He didn't say anything for a while...probably because he was lighting a cigarette. I heard the flicker of his lighter as he then exhaled as he said,

"I was wondering why it was so easy to get in here."

I didn't say anything. Akio stood up as he walked around the bed to face me as he sat down again and said,

"When did this happen?"

"Tonight. He left when I got home."

"Did he say why?"

"He said he was scared...he couldn't live like this anymore."

Akio didn't say anything for while. He then leaned over me as he put out the cigarette on the opposite night stand where the ash tray was as he said,

"So...you got nothing hold you back now. How do you feel?"

"I feel so hurt. My heart has broken into hundreds of pieces that are now laying at the bottom of my ribcage."

Akio smacked my ass as he stood up and said,

"One, there is no bottom of your rib cage. Two, I'm not letting you sulk here. Pain passes. You should be happy he's alive at least. So, come on, let's go celebrate."

I didn't feel like celebrating. But I didn't have a choice in the matter. Akio picked me up and made me stand to my feet as he told me to follow him. I sighed in the matter, not really wanting to go. I just wanted to sulk for a few hours....but like I said, I had no choice.

Akio called up a few other of the heads of the 36 Moons and we headed to the Dragon Leaf. Aoki, Aya, Gabriel, Tai, Toki, Jun, Mikkie along with Akio met up at the Dragon Leaf. Akio let them know what happened as Toki slid a cup of sake over to me and said,

"Fuck it. Relationships are never worth the trouble."

"Not always" said Tai.

Toki shook his head as he said,

"Don't listen to him, it's true. Relationships are never worth it."

Yeah...like I would take advice from a walking hardon who claims to be in love with two different people. I did, however take the sake as I drank all. Akio rubbed my shoulder as he said,

"Ne, let's make Baby-chu forget about this okay."

They all nodded as they poured me another cup and soon I began drowning my sorrow away.

I began to laugh and drink, noticing my tolerance had built up a lot in the past few months. I smoked and laughed with these guys as I realized I was having fun. I was setting Miya back in my mind somewhere and I went on to have fun. After that night, I did my best not to think of Miya as much. I got involved in work more. I picked up some business know-how from Akio since I was around him more. I also learned some legal things from Gabriel. Though not like I was trying to be a business head too. I began to pay more attention around the meetings though, rather then falling asleep through them. I wasn't looking forward to going home as much anymore so whenever I could, I would stay out all night and go clubbing with Akio. I experienced new things. I experienced different booze, seeing how much my tolerance had built up, experienced women who wanted me and I saw how much control I had. I could easily bring and dismiss girl after girl wanting the one thing I had denied myself before. Sex...and plenty of it. I started sleeping around for no particular reason then it was offered. I almost became no better then Toki. Akio told me not to feel bad about it since every one of the top heads slept around.

"Everyone?"

I said to him, my eyes widening as I tried to imagine the concept of Gabriel, Tai and Jun sleeping around....even Mikkie. Akio nodded as he said,

"Not Mikkie...actually I'm not sure at all about Mikkie. Seems like the only person nailing him is Toki. But you didn't hear that."

"Uh-huh."

"Actually, I take that back...not all of us. Tai is too kind...Gabriel is so hung up on Tai that I doubt he would be chasing anyone else."

"What about Jun?"

Akio scoffed as he turned back to his reflection in the mirror. We were at his apartment getting ready to fill the night with booze and sex as usual.

"Whatever Jun does he does it in privacy. But you know, every now and then you seem him sneaking away from a bathroom at a party when a girl steps out a few minutes after him adjusting her panties."

"Oh..I already know about Jia and Toki."

"Hai, those two get around. Jia is just more modest about it. Like Aoki."

"Aoki?"

"Hai, Aoki is an undercover player. He can get ass by not saying a word. Women love the mystery around him. Everyone else you know about."

"Hai."

He swept his hair back from his face as he touched his cheeks, then his chin as he said,

"God, everyone should be as blessed as me for skin this clean."

I laughed as I said,

"You're really arrogant."

"I have all reason to be."

"True."

I smiled as part of my hair fell over my eyes after I had pushed it back a moment again as I said,

"I should change my hair color."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I'm tired of this color."

"Too many blondes are popping up in the syndicate. You could use a change."

I nodded as I said,

"To what?"

"Red is nice."

I shrugged as I said,

"Okay."

"So easy to convince."

The next afternoon, he took me to get my hair done. I had done a dark natural looking red, my length still growing down a little past my chin now as I said,

"I like it."

"I think a darker shade would make it look better then Aoki's."

"Yeah his hair is red."

"It's more orange then red."

I nodded as I flipped around my hair for a while before getting out of the chair and then paying for it. I finally left as I said,

"Akio....I've been feeling strange lately."

"Why?"

"I miss Miya...but I love this new life. I got nothing holding me back."

"I know that feeling. It's liberation."

"I wasn't caged."

"You were. You weren't allowing all of you to come out because you were scared of what Miya might think. Now, Miya's not here and you're being what you were hiding."

"I feel like I'm reliving your story."

"You kind of are. Only Miya knew about you a little more then my mother ever assumed of me."

I nodded as I sighed thinking of Miya. I wondered what he was doing and where did he go...if he was all right. I wondered if he thought of me at any time. I know I thought of him any time I was alone which just made my heart hurt...so I decided to stop being alone so often. I would sleep over at Akio's place a lot more. I would just be content with having a warm body next to me. He would hug me for a while before he went to sleep, or I would hug him. I would love the company and it was enough for me. I didn't like being alone anymore. I felt I would fall apart if I stood still so I never stopped. I started taking everything in excess so I would always be doing something. My job to the extreme, working for as long as I could with Akio like I had been doing this for most of my life, I drank in excess so I could pass out and have dreamless sleep, I smoked more and I stopped being so meek around Akio. I use to be shy and bashful around Akio, but once he was warned, we stopped and I became fearless around him. I had recently started falling back into my pattern of being shy, but I decided that enough was enough already. I was no girl, there was no reason to blush and turn red everytime he touched me.

We hung out more often and he became, among other things, my drinking partner. Even though I didn't like hanging out with Toki, we would every now and then because he and Akio drank together. I would watch with wide eyes as Toki finished off a bottle of sake all by himself...which is why Akio always ordered two bottles when we went out. I hated seeing Toki sit there sometimes...he was very smug, almost arrogant as if he knew he could get away with anything he wanted. It was really annoying. But he was interesting to listen to. He spoke a lot more clearly when he had a few drinks in him. Most of the time he sounds stupid, like some gangster off the streets...either Tokyo or New York's streets, the way he dresses and carries himself and how he acts...you would think his level of intelligence is somewhat....non existent. But when he starts to drink, he speaks with Akio about business, about points and areas, money and statists that I would swear he wouldn't know what they were before but he actually does. Me being impressed would only last for a few moments before he swallowed another cup of sake and then turned it upside as he looked at it and would curse before giving a slight burp. Right....anyway, back to Akio. Akio was still around me. Whenever we messed around, he would stop now. I would never give the word anymore. I felt I shouldn't have to. But Akio would. It was very disappointing. After having him do this several times over a course of three months, I finally had enough. He had stopped in the middle of a very heated session and I finally dropped my arms to the side and said,

"What now?"

"Nothing."

"Yeah exactly."

"Baby-chu why you in such a rush?"

"Why aren't you?"

"I should be?"

"It's not fair that I want you and I can have you, you're just being....weird."

"It's not about you though."

"What's it about then?"

"I don't feel like having the shit kicked out of me thanks."

"You mean Aoki?"

"It's bad enough I'm doing this. Fucking you would only have me really shot."

"How would Aoki even know?"

"Because of you."

"Me?"

"Hai. You're mannerisms will be different. You'll give it away without having to say a word. And I could deny it to no end, but Aoki will know. And then I'll get in serious shit with him. Especially since he already warned me."

"You're scared of Aoki."

"You would be too if you knew what he capable of. He earned that syndicate name...I don't plan on finding out why for myself."

He got up from his bed as he went to his mirror, tucking back his hair as I laid there for a little. It was a little frustrating for me to finally be able to be free, yet be bound all at once. I rolled my eyes as I sat up, pulling up my coat from my shoulders as I zipped up my pants and tucked my shirt back in it's place. I looked back on the bed to see if anything fell out of my pockets as I heard Akio saying,

"Where you going?"

"Home. I'll see you later."

I didn't bother responding to anything he was saying. I just got my shoes and slammed the door behind me as I left.

Being treated like property....being treated like a child, being kept at bay like I was some fucking plague that could cause death. I got angry over everything. Before I thought Miya was holding me back but now it seems like Aoki was the one keeping Akio back. And who the fuck was Aoki to interfere in anything of mine? He never did before, he never cared before. Telling me to my face I was an accident, telling me he didn't want me and that he would never, ever, even if the skies fell and I begged him on hands and knees for a little fatherly compassion, he would never be my father. So why the fuck would he care if I fucked up my whole life? What's it to him? That just pissed me off too. Aoki shouldn't give a damn now since he sure as hell didn't give a fuck before. And stupid Akio listening to him like Aoki was his boss or something. Such bullshit. I didn't go home like I said I would. I ended up sitting at a bar having a drink. I was almost not served because of how old I looked, but once they saw the tattoo inked into my skin and the pissed off glare I had in my eye, they gave me a beer and I sat and sulked and turned anger over in my head and body for a few hours. I felt upset more then anything. I suddenly felt so unwanted...cast aside. I felt lonely. Alone in an overpopulated city...irony. But I did, I felt lonely and as if I had been banished to solitude. No one wanted me...I saw that pattern repeating itself in my life over and over again. No one wanted me. Aoki said it to me, right to my face that he never wanted me, my mother threw me out, Miya left me and now Akio rejected me. Was I really that undesirable as a person, as a friend, as a son, as a lover that everyone just threw me aside? I suddenly found satisfaction in Toki...since he was probably the only one that ever really did want me...even if it was for a short moment in time. I put my head down on the bar, my beer in hand as I looked at the glass, watching the condensation fall from the bottle and over my hand as it fell to the wood bar I was resting on beside it. They looked like tears. I blinked a few times, just watching the sometimes slow fall of the water drops falling down the side of the bottle, the dull glow of the lights around me reflecting from the glass as the tannish, brown clear liquid glowed, promising me comfort from the misery I suffered. I didn't want to drink though. I started seeing that was becoming a pattern too. But I wanted some kind of comfort, someone to tell me, yes I was wanted. I wasn't going to find it in that bottle though. I finished my drink as I paid for it, getting off the stool and leaving. I went for a walk, my head down, my hands in my pockets as I thought of a lot of things. The mistakes I made along the way and how I noticed why Jia drank. He suffered too. He suffered like anyone else. Just because he was an oyabun of an entire syndicate didn't mean he could control his emotions. I saw how Toki could effect him more then anyone so Jia fell into these drunken states of exhaustion and lack of focus. I was starting to get that way myself. I couldn't deal with myself anymore so I drank. I quickly stopped that habit before it got any worse, however. Sometime that night, I called Hisoka to see if he was free to do anything. He sat beside me later on as we looked up at the sky, watching the few twinkling lights. He put his hands in his pockets as he said,

"What's wrong Aka-chan?"

"I was feeling lonely."

"I never heard of a lower head being called to fill company."

"Can we not talk about work for once?"

"Sure. What do you wanna talk about?"

"Tell me about yourself?"

"There's not much to know about me. I just...joined up."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why'd you decide to become a yakuza? Didn't you have family? A girlfriend, someone?"

"Not really. I didn't know my mother, she died when I was little and my old man and me weren't so close. So when I was old enough I left home and started out on my own here. I didn't have enough money to pay the bills so I decided to make some easy cash for the yakuza here. I said to myself, only until I can pay off my bills and have a little set aside for later. Ten years later, I have no bills and too much set aside for later. But I still do what I do."

"Do you like it?"

"It's okay work. Gotta get your hands dirty every now and then but it's not too bad. What's with all the questions today?"

"I feel alone today. I feel really alone."

"Why?"

"Too much detail to search about but basically...it's all me."

Hisoka didn't say anything. He just sat beside me, leaning back on the bench as we looked at the water of Inokashira Lake. The moon reflected off it nicely making it a poetic scene. But my time for romance and poetry was long over. It had been over for some time now. Three months without Miya...I had never gone this long without hearing his voice, without knowing how he was, if he was okay, if he needed something. I would give anything to see him right now.

"See who?"

I guess I said that outloud.

"Huh?"

"You said I'd give anything to see him now. See who?"

"Miya. He left me a while back."

"Oh...how long ago?"

"About three months now. Going on four."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"I miss him a lot."

"You don't know where he is?"

"Not a clue. I would guess maybe he went back home but I doubt it. He's got a ton of friends I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for him."

I frowned, hating that I was thinking about Miya so much when I shouldn't be. I looked at Hisoka as I said,

"Wanna go get a drink?"

"Sure."

And I went back to a bar. I shouldn't have...but it was the only thing keeping my mind from Miya and my life that was just full of rejection.

The next afternoon, almost early evening, I went to work. I had a bad hangover from yesterday, but I didn't want to skip work because of it. I figured if I started now, I'd never stop. I just popped some aspirin and drank some water on my way in. Jia held a meeting, talking about some things and how everything was well with the Black Hand and ties in Hong Kong. He guessed he would have to go there soon and was choosing who to go with him. He picked Jun and Mikkie to accompany him and Toki as always. Once the meeting was over, I lingered around as I looked at Jia. He waited for me but I was waiting for him to address me.

"Aka-chan? Something I can do for you?"

"Could I come to Hong Kong with you?"

"I'm not bringing Akio."

"I know."

"Something happen I should be aware of?"

"Iie. I just want a little independence. I know Mikkie won't baby me and neither will Jun. I need some time to do things for myself."

Jia moved some hair back from his face as he looked over at Toki who was sitting on the corner of his desk as usual. Toki cupped his hand over his lighter as he inhaled his cigarette and said,

"Hai. Let Aka-chan come if he wants to. He can keep me company."

He smirked as Jia nudged him once as he said,

"Keep your hands to yourself Toki."

Toki laughed a little as he said,

"Ne, I'd be chasing my Little Ghosto around anyway. So yeah, let Aka-chan come. Seriously."

Jia looked back at me as he said,

"Okay, if you wanna come you can. I can always use another person. Just in case."

I nodded as I bowed slightly as I then said,

"When are we going?"

"In about a week or so. I'm not in a rush."

"Hai."

I then excused myself as I left his office, closing the doors behind me. I saw Akio standing there waiting for me.

"I tried calling you all night. You didn't answer."

"I was busy."

That and hungover.

"What's wrong with you? You barely said a word to me all day."

"I'm busy. I got work to do. I have to book a ticket and start packing."

"For what?"

"Going to Hong Kong."

"Jia didn't mention anything to me."

"I'm going without you."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not fucking handicapped and I can do shit on my own!"

I turned and walked away from him, not really in the mood to talk to him anymore. I got inside the elevator and pressed the button for the lobby. I didn't look at Akio as the doors closed but once they did, I leaned against the wall and sighed. I was going to have to control my emotions a little more. Now I see why Mikkie and Aoki are they way they are. Emotions will fuck you up. I guess it's about time I learned how to turn mine off.

---------------------------

References

Inokashira Lake: A real lake in Tokyo, Japan. It's in a park (sorry I'm not too certain) but I picked it up from the manga GTO, which included the lake in a torture scene