I was sure, for the first time in a long time of what to do with myself and what I had to say. I didn't want to loose my privileges of being a top head...it meant more time off but less ability to do things. But hey...what was the difference of what I was doing now then what I was doing when I started? Nothing...and at least then I didn't have to get myself in so much trouble. The whole deal with Nagashima and Kotei was being dealt with. Jia had to sit down and explain what happened, the truth for once. He did not want Nagashima to break their alliance because of a mistake, so he apologized and asked Nagashima not to break the alliance. Nagashima was angry, he was pissed off and he wanted to break the alliance because he said he could not trust Jia when someone like Toki worked for him. Kotei was the one who asked his father not to break the alliance and saved that from becoming a war later on down the line. Kotei said it was not so serious for problems to happen later, that it was a personal issue, not something to mix their business in and if need be, Jia could punish Toki in his own way since Toki worked for Jia. Nagashima, after some thinking, agreed and accepted Jia's apology. However, the lingering scent of mistrust lingered in the air between them, Nagashima did not come around more often and he did not allow Kotei to be alone anywhere ever again which meant Ren was now at his side for everything. Jia was still angry at Toki for fucking a business deal like that. Because of that Nagashima would never again trust Jia with anything. Jia was only lucky that all things business wise was already taken care of. And Jia was still not done apologizing. His own choice to almost turn me into Nagashima was still lingering around his head. As I stood in his office a few days later, he asked if there was anything he could do for me. I only had one request.

"I want to drop down to being a lower head."

He was surprised. Never had a request like that been asked.

"Why?"

"I just don't feel like I belong here. You said so yourself before...you misjudged me."

"I'm never wrong about this. If I didn't think you could do this, I would have not made you the offer in the first place."

"But it's not a question about if I can do it or not. I already know I can't. You saw I couldn't. I screwed three times-"

"Two."

"Oh...right. Two times and I think that's more then enough. The first one was more then enough."

"What else is making you feel like you can't do this."

"I just don't belong here. I'm the youngest one, everyone treats me like it and I know I'm not welcome. Everyone turns their nose up at me...they know I'm not good at what I do. Even you. So...I'm just accepting it."

"Jo...it's not like that. This isn't some group of friends that you're just going to fit in right away."

"It is Jia. And after a couple of years, I'm still in the same place of when I started, I think that's a good indication that I just won't do this well. Besides, I'm still treated like I was lower head, just the chauffeur...the scapegoat...so I just might as well go back to my original job."

Jia pulled back his hair as he sighed and looked away. He went into his pockets as he took out his cigarette case and said,

"Sit down Jo."

I walked around the front of his desk as I sat down and looked at Jia. He then said,

"I know what I'm doing to you. I know what's being done to you. But you gotta understand that, we don't care about anyone else but ourselves. And it's not really a matter of someone looking down at you...it's just that, you're the baby. It happened to everyone here when we started. It happened to me among all the other oyabuns."

"Jia..just please...I don't want to do this anymore."

"You can't quit."

"I know...which is why I just want to be a lower head."

"No, I mean you can't quit being a top head. The only way out is death. That mark on your wrist...that's why it's there. Proof that you can never leave."

I sighed, looking at my wrist as I swept my hair back. Jia then took out his cigarette as he had one and patted his pockets for a lighter. Once he couldn't find one, I took mine out and gave it to him. He lit the cigarette as he passed me back my lighter as he said,

"You'll live Jo. Adapted or not."

I nodded as I said,

"I'm not strong enough to not let this bother me. I will be though. Give me a few years."

He looked at me as if I just said the saddest thing. Jia then dismissed me and I left his office.

I went to leave, knowing my options. I couldn't leave...never. Even if I wanted to, even if I screwed up enough. I had to stay. I leaned against the elevator as I went down and I swept my hair back as I thought about this. It's like a death sentence...on death row...just waiting for my day when I'll die before my time with no way out. Once the doors opened to the lobby, I went out and began walking out, buttoning my coat up when I saw Akio. I didn't say anything to him and began walking out. I didn't even look at him. I just went outside, hailed a cab, hoping I would get one soon. Once a cab pulled up, I got in and went to Ichiro's place.

Ichiro, the only one who was making me feel better nowadays. Katie just made me laugh when she was around. She made me have lunch with her when she was home, Ichiro would sit next to me, sweeping his hair back and laughing and smiling as his niece spoke. I slept at his place a lot, mostly because I just be too tired after fucking him all night to go back home, but also for the company. It would feel nice to have someone next to me when I slept again. During this time, Ichiro asked me how everything was with my job.

"I'm starting to hate it."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's not a place where I feel I can trust anyone anymore. They can all turn on me with such quickness."

"Why do you think they turned on you?"

"First off it was Toki who even made the suggestion I take the blame. Jia agreed and then they all stood back in silence and let me take the blame."

"Oh....and I thought the 36 Moons was famous for their loyalty among each other."

"Yeah...each other. Unless your fucking one of them or just happen to be real good friends with them. That's how you get loyalty from them."

Ichiro said nothing, just swept my hair back from my face as we laid on his bed. I kept my hand on his hip as he looked at me. He sighed slightly as he said,

"I hope things don't stay that way for you."

"So do I."

We were quiet again, the only sound filling the room was our breathing, every now and then our movements as we laid in his unmade bed.

"Why do you trust me?"

"I don't really know. Actually...I'm not even sure if I fully trust you."

He nodded as he started sitting up, my hand falling to his bare thigh as he said,

"I expected that answer."

He straddled me as he looked down at me, leaning close to me as I put my arms around him. He kissed me gently as he then said,

"You will be able to though...one day. Fully trust me."

I nodded as I kissed him back when we both heard Katie shriek for some attention outside. Ichiro got up and pulled on some drawstrings as he went to the door, unlocked it and opened it as Katie stood there. She had a hand on her hip, her night gown on as her long back hair fell over her shoulder. She pouted as she said,

"Uncle! I've been waiting and waiting for you to come say good night to me!"

I laughed slightly as Ichiro picked her up and held her as he said,

"I'm sorry. I had no idea you were going to bed right now."

"Yes you did! You did too! You just didn't come say good night to me!"

Ichiro walked over to the bed as he sat down with her and I sat up as Katie put her head down on his shoulder. She then said,

"Can I sleep here tonight?"

"What's wrong with your bed sweetie?"

"I'm lonely."

I knew that feeling all to well. I took Katie's hand as Ichiro looked at me, as if asking me if it was okay as I nodded. We got back into bed as Katie laid between us, her back to me as she snuggled up to Ichiro. She yawned and soon, she dozed off. Ichiro swept her hair back as he looked at me and I looked at him in return. Something about his eyes made me smile as I started to go to sleep myself.

The next afternoon, I still had down time from work so I stayed at Ichiro's place longer. He kept me company...well him and Katie did. He spoke on the phone often with Karasu, finding out what the deal with Nagashima was and how he was working through the Itto Ketsuen more rather then the 36 Moons more. Nagashima was very distrustful of Jia mostly because of Toki. I felt bad for the kid who had to go through something like Toki...I knew the feeling but at least I could shake it off. Kotei's already fragile person was now shaken more. I told Ichiro what I knew of the kid after he got off the phone with Karasu. He was so surprised as he said,

"He's probably bitter from everything with Ren...and since this is probably not the first time being raped he's probably not even mad."

"I know. I just feel bad for him...why did it have to be him?"

"Don't worry about it. We're lucky he didn't break the alliance with Jia."

"I know."

Ichiro did not seem to care too much about Kotei's situation. His concern was more on the alliance we had to keep. Around the second week of my down time, Ichiro had to go meet with Jia, Karasu and Tsubasa about Nagashima and all these other things so I had to be on my own. I didn't mind too much, it gave me the chance to finally go cut my hair. I didn't cut if all off all dramatically like Mikkie did, I just trimmed it off so it would be to about my shoulders. I still had enough to tie it up and then I went to pick up something for Katie. I didn't know why, I just felt like having something nice for the kid since once my down time was over, I would be absent for a while. I then went back to my apartment and picked up my mail as I dropped everything off at my table. I lingered around for a while and then got a call from Ichiro. He let me know he was home and I could come back over there. Once I got there, bringing my gift for Katie, Ichiro let me know what happened.

"Nagashima rather work with through the Yami and the Itto Ketsuen in order to work with the 36 Moons. He's completely mistrustful of Jia because of Toki. He also has a strong distrust of Jia's character since he's just allowing someone like Toki off. Jia can do nothing about it since he wants to keep the alliance."

"Damn so Jia is having some problems now huh?"

"Seems like it. But it's something he has to deal with."

He then noticed that I had something in my hand as he said,

"What is that?"

"It's for Katie."

I set the small bag down on the table as Ichiro peeked in as he saw a small white stuffed animal. He then hugged me as he said,

"That's very sweet of you. And you cut your hair."

"Yeah and how did you know?"

"I could tell how your hair falls differently when it's tied up."

"Oh..."

By the end of the month, I was called in but only to be let know that Jia and Toki were going back to Japan. Jia gave me the open invitation to go back sometime within the next two months. After two months I had to come back anyway, but I didn't have to leave now, unless something came up. I nodded, saying I would sometime soon and then thanked him for the time as I then went to leave. I pressed the elevator button, waiting for it as I checked my watch. I had not eaten in about two days so I was actually hungry and I wanted to get some dinner before I went to see Ichiro. As I waited, I heard someone walk out from an office. I didn't bother turning to see who it was...especially since they came over to me. I saw it was Gabriel. His semi blonde hair was different. It was a more natural blonde but still had those platinum highlights, his blue eyes glowing still. I looked away as he then said,

"How are you?"

"Fine."

I didn't really want to speak to him. Or to anyone from here for that matter. I heard him sigh to himself as he said,

"Jo?"

"What?"

"I understand why you're angry..."

"Then stop talking to me."

"You don't have to be mean to everyone you know."

I sighed as I said,

"With all do respect Gabriel, I really don't care what any of you have to say to me anymore."

I turned and around, forgetting about the elevator as I went to the stairwell and ran down the stairs instead.