INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - DAY
SOCRAM AND HANSON ARE SITTING ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER DISCUSSING PERSONAL POLITICS
SOCRAM
Sticks
so many more crunchiest!
HANSON
Hey,
we're not going by the crunchiness, dude.
THE
PHONE RINGS
HANSON
We'll
get back to this convo. Pronto.
SOCRAM
Socram
prove point.
HANSON
ANSWERS THE PHONE
HANSON
(Into
phone)
Sock
it to me.
INT.
DOCTORS OFFICE - DAY
INTERCUT
BETWEEN DOCTORS OFFICE AND BASEMENT SUBLET
DOCTOR
MCGILLICUTTY IS ON THE OTHER LINE
DOCTOR
Hello,
you came by my office the other day?
HANSON
Doctor
Mcgillicutty!! What's up!!
DOCTOR
Yeah...
I'm calling on behalf of your check up last week.
HANSON
The
stummy ache, doc? I'm feeling all better now.
DOCTOR
Yeah,
about that. I have some good news and some bad... make that really bad news.
HANSON
Whoa,
lemme hear the good news first...
DOCTOR
Well,
the good news is... I’m not going to die today of a rare tropical
disease called phrutepinitus.
HANSON
That's
good to hear, doctor, bro. So what's the bad news?
DOCTOR
Well,
I thought that was implied but... Well, you're gonna die sometime today of a
rare tropical disease called phrutepinitus.
HANSON
I'm
going to die of Fruitopia?
INSERT
LAUGH TRACK
DOCTOR
No,
phrutepinitus... In approximately sixteen hours... actually make that twelve. I
meant to call you four hours ago.
HANSON
Whoa,
this is heavy.
DOCTOR
(Distracted)
Yeah,
well look at the bright side. At least I’m not dying.
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - DAY
HANSON
HANGS UP THE PHONE
SOCRAM
What
is matter?
HANSON
Doctor
Bro just told me that I have twelve hours to live?
SOCRAM
It's
not so bad. You know what they say in my country about twelve hours to live?
A
CELL PHONE RINGS. IT BELONGS TO JOHN SMITH WHO HAS BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME
JOHN
Hey,
look someone's calling me on my new expensive, top of the line cell phone. Wow!
HANSON
No,
dude, what? Is it some awesome proverb that will help me through this troubled
time?
SOCRAM
I
don't know what they say. I was asking you.
INSERT
LAUGH TRACK
TITLE
SEQUENCE
INT.
JUAN'S APARTMENT - DAY
HANSON
KNOCKS ON JUAN'S DOOR. THE DOOR SWINGS OPENS REALLY FAST
JUAN
What
do you come looking for? Compassion, friendship, money...
(Beat)
Drugs?
HANSON
None
of the above.
JUAN
You
want to pet sir woofsalot? Well you are mistaken! You cannot!
THE
DOOR SLAMS
THE
DOOR OPENS IMMEDIATELY
JUAN
Where
is my money?
HANSON
Dude,
I just found out from Doc that I’m going to the great beach in sky. Gonna hang
ten on cloud 9. Catch my drift?
JUAN
I
wouldn't catch your drift if it were made of money. Where is my money?
HANSON
Dude,
I’m going to die today!
JUAN
Good
for me, bad for you.
HANSON
I
just wanted to tell you how much this means to me letting me stay here all
these years. Thank you.
HANSON
WALKS AWAY
JUAN
What
about my money. Mi Dinero!
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - DAY
HANSON
WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS.
SOCRAM
How
he take it?
HANSON
Muy
bueno, mi compadre. But yet, so saddo.-
HE
SITS DOWN.
HANSON
(CONT'D)
-You
know what this makes me think of? This whole situation makes me yearn for the
good times we've shared in the past. You know I’ve been thinking a lot about
life. I've come to realize that we've shared some great times together. Like,
for instance you remember the day we first met?
SOCRAM
Of
course. I remember like yesterday!
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - DAY
THE
BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE, EXCEPT THAT SOCRAM IS MUCH MORE DIGNIFIED, AND HANSON
IS ACTING OUT OF CHARACTER
SOCRAM
Golly,
these potato-flavored rods are favorite delicacy. If I do say so myself, they
are fantabulous.
HANSON
Chips
suck. You right...
SOCRAM
I'm
always right, my little American friend.
THE
PHONE RINGS
HANSON
Big
noise! I get it! Must be doctor.
PICKS
UP PHONE
HANSON
Doctor,
Doctor, give me the news.
SOCRAM,
MEANWHILE REALIZES THAT HE IS ABOUT TO DEFICATE HIMSELF.
SOCRAM
Oh,
bananas. I think I might soil my knickers. Right about... now.
HE
SHUFFLES UP THE STAIRS WHILE HANSON HAS A WRESTLING MATCH WITH THE PHONE.
CUT TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - DAY
HANSON
IS CONFUSED
HANSON
That
never happened, bro.
SOCRAM
I
have a pornographic memory!
HANSON
I'm
sure you do.
INSERT
LAUGH TRACK
HANSON
I
mean, remember how we competed for this very apartment just five years ago?
FADE TO:
EXT.
WIDE OPEN FIELD - FIVE YEARS AGO - DAY
JUAN,
MUCH YOUNGER AND ATTRACTIVE STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD WITH A CONTRACT
IN HIS HANDS.
JUAN
GO!
HE
SHOUTS AND FROM OFF SCREEN COMES SOCRAM AND HANSON RUNNING TOWARD EACH OTHER AT
FULL SPEED. THEY CRASH AND HANSON FALLS.
SOCRAM
If
you can't stand the cold get out of the igloo, bitch.
CUT
TO:
INT.
AUDITORIUM - FIVE YEARS AGO - DAY
JUAN
SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AUDITORIUM
JUAN
GO!
ON
STAGE HANSON AND SOCRAM COMPETE IN A DANCE OFF.
CUT TO:
EXT.
RANDOM STREET - FIVE YEARS AGO - DAY
THE
STREET IS EMPTY UNTIL SOCRAM AND HANSON TURN THE CORNER ON SCREEN AND RUN
TOWARDS THE CAMERA.
SHORTLY
AFTER, JUAN IN HIS CAR FOLLOWS CHASING THEM DOWN THE STREET.
CUT
TO:
INT.
JUAN'S APARTMENT - FIVE YEARS AGO - DAY
HANSON
AND SOCRAM STAND, BOTH INJURED, NEXT TO JUAN HOLDING AN ANNOYING THROATY NOISE.
HANSON
AND SOCRAM BOTH LOOK MISERABLE TRYING TO HOLD BACK SOME SORT OF TEMPTATION
UNTIL...
HANSON
PUNCHES JUAN IN THE FACE. SOCRAM BECOMES RELIEVED.
SOCRAM
I
win.
HANSON
BURYS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - PRESENT DAY - DAY
HANSON
AND SOCRAM ARE STILL SITTING
HANSON
We
went through all that trouble, and it turned out all you wanted was the closet!
SOCRAM
The
closet is spacious, and it's already filled with clothes. You got the shaft.
HANSON
Speaking
of shaft, do you remember the time you won the lottery?
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - SOME TIME AGO - DAY
HANSON
AND SOCRAM STARE EXCITINGLY AT THE TELEVISION
ANNOUNCER
...and
the numbers are: one, two, three, four, and five. Wow no one ever plays those
numbers. Do they?
SOCRAM
EXAMINES HIS LOTTERY TICKET
SOCRAM
one...
two... three... x... admit, I'm lost
HANSON
TAKES THE TICKET FROM HIM
HANSON
one,
two, three, four, and five. SOCRAM YOU JUST WON A MILLION DOLLARS!!
SOCRAM
OH
boy!
SOCRAM
BEGINS TO JIG
HANSON
What
are you doing?
SOCRAM
I
don't know I can't control it
CUT
TO:
BEGIN
MONTAGE
CUT
BETWEEN:
INT.
RANDOM STREET - DAY
SOCRAM
DOING HIS DANCE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, IN FANCY PANTS AND A MINK COAT,
AND BIG GLASSES
INT.
RANDOM STORE - DAY
SOCRAM
HANDING MONEY TO A SHOPKEEP.
INT.
STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
SOCRAM
SMOKING CIGARS GIVING OUT MONEY TO STRIPPERS.
INT.
PUNCHYOUINFACE BOOTH - DAY
SOCRAM
HANDS MONEY TO AN UNKNOWN PERSON, AFTER WHICH THE PERSON POINTS TO HIS CHEEK,
AND SOCRAM PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE.
ANOTHER PERSON STEPS AND
RECIEVES MONEY
END
MONTAGE
INT.
RANDOM STREET - DAY
SOCRAM,
PIMPED OUT, WALKS DOWN THE STREET AND IS STOPPED BY A KID SELLING CANDY BARS.
KID
Buy
some snickers, sir?
SOCRAM
Can
I buy the whole case?
KID
How
much you got?
SOCRAM
Um..
only a quarter. But I have a briefcase full of money!
KID
(deviously)
We'll
trade. Briefcase, for briefcase.
SOCRAM
EBAY!!
THEY
TRADE, AND THE KID RUNS.
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - PRESENT DAY - DAY
HANSON
BURIES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS
SOCRAM
And
that was the best snickers I ever ate.
HANSON
And
it only cost you a nine hundred grand.
SOCRAM
Yeah,
kid got the shaft.
HANSON
Do
you even know what that means?
CAMERA
REVEALS JOHN SMITH IS STILL SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HANSON
JOHN
Hey,
remember that time when I saved your guys lives?
SOCRAM
It's
like when you look like Richard Roundtree.
JOHN
It
happens a lot, actually. Hey, how about the time when you guys paid attention
to me... oh, wait, that never happened!
INSERT
SINGLE, AKWARD LAUGH
HANSON
Hey,
remember that time when that guy saved our lives?
CUT
TO:
INT.
SUBWAY - FEW YEARS AGO - NIGHT
SOCRAM
AND HANSON ARE STANDING ON A SUBWAY PLATFORM WAITING FOR THE TRAIN.
HANSON
Dude,
chips. I can't stress it enough.
SOCRAM
Chips,
so passé. What's in? Sticks!
A
MASKED MAN STEPS UP BEHIND SOCRAM AND POINTS A PAPER BAG IN THE SHAPE OF A GUN.
THIEF
Give
me your wallet.
SOCRAM
Okay.
SOCRAM
THEN REACHES INTO HIS POCKET, AND TAKES OUT ALL ITEMS OF IMPORTANCE AND THEN
HANDS THE THIEF THE WALLET.
SOCRAM
Here
you go. It's coach.
THIEF
No,
it's not. And who the hell do you think you are?
SOCRAM
I
think I’m special.
THIEF
Do
you even know who I am?
SOCRAM
No.
But if you put your ID in your new wallet, you can show me.
THE
THIEF GETS FRUSTRATED
THIEF
That's
it!
HE
POINTS THE GUN AT SOCRAM'S FACE. JUST THEN...
VOICE
(O.S)
Good
god!
A
FIST COMES FROM OFF SCREEN AND NAILS THE THEIF IN THE FACE.
THE
THIEF FALLS TO THE FLOOR
THE
PERSON, WHO'S FIST GENEROUSLY SAVED THIER LIVES, STEPS FOWARD INTO FRAME.
HE'S
AN AFRICAN AMERICAN MALE
STRANGER
Hey-hey,
hey!
SOCRAM
Wow!
STRANGER
See
that? That's someone who got the shaft!
HANSON,
MEANWHILE, BACKS AWAY SLOWLY, HANDS IN THE AIR.
SOCRAM
Shaft!
CUT TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - PRESENT DAY - DAY
HANSON
AND SOCRAM SIT SMILING.
HANSON
You,
know we never got to thank that stranger-dude.
SOCRAM
I
wonder where he is now?
JOHN
Wait,
that was me who saved your life. I'm not a stranger. I live with you guys! And
I never said "shaft"... You can thank me if you want. I'm right here!
AT
THIS POINT SOCRAM AND HANSON ARE AWAY FROM THE COUCHES
JOHN
Guys?
THEY
ARE PLAYING DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION BY THE TELEVISION.
JOHN
Jeez.
Good-god. Hey, Hey, Hey!
CUT TO:
COMMERCIAL
BREAK
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - PRESENT DAY - DAY
MIKEY,
BLOND, SAME AGE AS HANSON, WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS
MIKEY
Hey,
guys!
HANSON
Hi,
Mikey
SOCRAM
Hi,
Mikey
MIKEY
Hey,
I brought that food that one you guys called me up and asked me to bring.
HANSON
We
didn't call you to bring us food.
JOHN
I
did!
MIKEY
Oh,
well. I guess I'll eat it.
INSERT
LAUGH TRACK
JOHN
MOPES AND WALKS AWAY.
MIKEY
So
what's up, guys? Doing nothing as usual? Why aren't you are work today, Hanson?
HANSON
Well,
it's actually a long story, that...
SOCRAM
He's
going to die in a few hours.
HANSON
Make
that a short story
MIKEY
(shocked)
What!
JOHN
Nine
hours, forty-three minutes, and twenty-three seconds...
HE
BEGINS COUNTING DOWN TO HIMSELF
MIKEY
What...
How did this happen?
HANSON
I
got some rare disease, whose name I can't pronounce. But, don't worry, I've
accepted my fate.
SOCRAM
We've
just been sitting here reliving our most fondest memories
HANSON
Like
that time when Scram hooked up with your mom?
MIKEY
I
don't ever want to remember that...
SOCRAM
I
do! Your father got the shaft!
INSERT
LAUGH TRACK
MIKEY
Wow,
it seems like only yesterday that we first met.
HANSON
It
had to be like five years ago. Wow, I remember how Scram and I were in competition
for your heart back then...
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - SOME TIME AGO - DAY
HANSON
AND SOCRAM, YOUNGER, ARE DOING THE USUAL WHEN MIKEY, YOUNGER ASWELL, WEARING
SKIMPY OUTFIT, WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS.
MIKEY
(seductive)
Hey,
can I borrow some... shhhuuuuuugaaaarrrr?
HANSON
AND SOCRAM GET FLUSTERED
SOCRAM
(to
Hanson)
Don't
get ideas. She's mine!
HANSON
RETURNS A DIRTY LOOK.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
WIDE OPEN FIELD - FIVE YEARS AGO - DAY
JUAN,
MUCH YOUNGER AND ATTRACTIVE STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD WITH A CONTRACT
IN HIS HANDS.
MIKEY
GO!
HE
SHOUTS AND FROM OFF SCREEN COMES SOCRAM AND HANSON RUNNING TOWARD EACH OTHER AT
FULL SPEED. THEY CRASH AND HANSON FALLS.
CUT
TO:
INT.
AUDITORIUM - FIVE YEARS AGO - DAY
JUAN
SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AUDITORIUM
MIKEY
GO!
ON
STAGE HANSON AND SOCRAM COMPETE IN A DANCE OFF.
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - PRESENT DAY - DAY
MIKEY
LOOKS CONFUSED
MIKEY
Yeah,
but how did I end up going out with Juan?
INSERT
LAUGH TRACK
FADE
TO:
INT.
JUAN'S APARTMENT - DAY
JUAN
ROCKS BACK AND FORTH IN HIS CHAIR, WITH HIS CAT.
JUAN
To
the one that got away...
HE
RUBS HIS FINGER ALONG A GLASS FRAME HOLDING A PICTURE OF MIKEY
HE
SIGHS AND LOOKS UP
FADE TO:
EXT.
RANDOM STREET - SOME TIME AGO - DAY
JUAN
LIES ON THE FLOOR, GLASSES BROKEN WHEN HE LOOKS UP AND SEES AN ANGELIC
PRESENCE.
IT'S
MIKEY
SHE
LIFTS HIM UP AND PRESSES HIM TO HER BOSSOM.
BEING
MONTAGE
THIS
MONTAGE IS SET TO ANDREW W K'S SHE IS BEAUTIFUL
INT.
RESTAURANT - NIGHT
JUAN
BOPS HIS HEAD TO THE BEAT OF THE MUSIC.
MIKEY
LOOKS CONFUSED
INT.
MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
SAME.
IS UNABLE TO PUT POPCORN IN HIS MOUTH
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - SOME TIME AGO - DAY
CUT
MUSIC
HANSON
AND SOCRAM BEGIN TO LAUGH UNCONTROLABLY.
HANSON
You
and Juan?
CUT TO:
EXT.
PARK - NIGHT
BEGIN
MUSIC AGAIN
JUAN
SKIPS TO THE MUSIC. MIKEY DOESN'T GET IT.
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - SOME TIME AGO - DAY
CUT
MUSIC
THEY
ARE STILL LAUGHING
CUT
TO:
EXT.
BEACH - NIGHT
BEGIN
MUSIC AGAIN
THEY
FROLLIC UNTIL JUAN FALLS AND BEGINS ROLLING IN THE SAND. MIKEY IS CONFUSED
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - SOME TIME AGO - DAY
THEY
ARE STILL LAUGHING.
HANSON
Wait..
did he go for this kiss?
MIKEY
BEGINS TO VOMIT
MIKEY
Stop
it! Bad memories...
END
MONTAGE
CUT
TO:
SOCRAM
Speaking
of bad memory...
(turns
to Hanson)
I
know you don't remember this...
(to
Mikey)
Remember
that time when Hanson had short-term memory-loss.
MIKEY
BEGINS TO LAUGH
CUT
TO:
INT.
HOTEL - SOME TIME AGO - DAY
BLACK
AND WHITE
HANSON
I'm
telling you, I can't remember anything, especially names.
HE
STANDS NEXT TO A MIRROR AND BEGINS TO EXAMINE HIS TATOOES.
HANSON
All
I remember is what happened before the day of my accident.
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - SOME TIME AGO - DAY
HANSON
IS SITTING ON THE FUTON
SOCRAM
COMES INTO THE ROOM, GOES TO THE CABINET AND PUTS A PEN IN HIS POCKET
SOCRAM
Admit,
he's looking for his money!
HANSON
Who?
SOCRAM
Who?
God-damnit, Juan. Juan is looking for his money.
HANSON
Okay,
calm down. I don't remember any Juan.
SOCRAM
That's
because you're a freak ever since your accident! I can say or do anything that
I want and you won't remember it. I'm gonna use this to my advantage.
HANSON
No,
don't
SOCRAM
Yeah.
I can go and say that chips suck, and we can still be best friends.
HANSON
Stop
it.
SOCRAM
That's
right, and you smell terrible, too. Why don't you shower you dirty hippie?
HANSON
I'm
warning you...
HANSON
BEGINS LOOKING FOR A PEN
SOCRAM
Looking
for your pen, you freak? Wanna write it down on your note so you remember. I
want you to pay for all the rent by yourself.
HANSON
Gotta
write this down!
SOCRAM
You're
gonna do whatever I say...
SOCRAM
TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT, AND DROPS HIS PANTS
HANSON
oh,
good-god.
SOCRAM
Look
at it.
HANSON
PUNCHES SOCRAM IN THE FACE. HE GETS UP AND SMILES. HE WALKS BACK UP THE STAIRS
AND LEAVES FOR A SECOND
HANSON
Gotta
find a pen!
SOCRAM
PEERS INTO THE WINDOW
HANSON
Gotta
remember...
SOCRAM
SMEARS THE BLOOD ALL OVER THIS MOUTH
THE
DOOR CLICKS
HANSON
(losing
concentration)
What
was that?
SOCRAM
COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.
SOCRAM
(crying)
Hanson,
Juan beat the crap out of me.
HANSON
No
he didn't. You were at the window. I just saw you. Oh, god I saw you naked, I
remember everything. Unfortunately, I'm cured!
SOCRAM
No...
um... no... ugh, damn it!
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - PRESENT DAY - DAY
HANSON
BEGINS TO GET SICK
HANSON
Oh,
god, bad memories...
MIKEY
(laughing)
Wow,
we have such great memories over the tenure of our friendship...
HANSON
Yeah...
(confused)
Wait...
MIKEY
What
does that mean?
SOCRAM
(pointing
to himself and Hanson)
We
have good memories.
(pointing
to Hanson and Mikey)
You...
not so good memories.
MIKEY
What
are you talking about?
SOCRAM
AND HANSON LOOK AT EACH OTHER FLABERGASTED.
CUT TO:
BEGIN
MONTAGE
A
SERIES OF CLIPS FROM DIFFERENT LOCATIONS AND TIME PERIODS OF MIKEY SLAPPING
HANSON IN THE FACE... VERY HARD.
INTERCUT
BETWEEN BASEMENT SUBLET AND MONTAGE FOR REACTIONS
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - PRESENT DAY - DAY
MIKEY
IS SHOCKED
MIKEY
Well...
how about that time when...
SLAP
MIKEY
Oh...
well, how about that day when you...
SLAP
MIKEY
No,
come on, there has to be one good time...
SLAP,
SLAP, SLAP
MIKEY
Oh,
my god!
HANSON
BEGINS RUBBING HIS CHEEK
MIKEY
I...
MIKEY
GETS UPSET. SOCRAM BEGINS TO RUB HIS CHEEK.
MIKEY
I
have to go.
MIKEY
RUNS OUT OF THE BASEMENT.
JOHN
TURNS TO HANSON
JOHN
Well,
you deserved most of those slaps... like remember the last time you made her
storm out of the basement...
NO
RESPONSE, UNTIL..
MIKEY
COMES RUNNING DOWN THE STAIRS AND SLAPS HANSON FULL FORCE, THEN RUNS BACK OUT
CRYING.
JOHN
Yeah,
wow, that was perfect reenactment.
HANSONS
RUBS HIS FACE
INSERT
LAUGH TRACK.
COMMERCIAL
BREAK
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - PRESENT DAY - DAY
SOCRAM
IS WATCHING SOAP OPERAS BY HIMSELF... WITH JOHN, WHEN MIKEY COMES BACK INTO THE
BASEMENT
MIKEY
Hey,
Scram. Is Hanson here?
SOCRAM
He
went to confess his sins...
MIKEY
At,
a church?
SOCRAM
No,
to Big-Stevo at the Adult Shop.
INSERT
LAUGH TRACK
MIKEY
Oh.
MIKEY
SITS NEXT TO SOCRAM
MIKEY
I
can't believe that I have been so mean to Hanson, and I never even realized
it...
SOCRAM
(distracted)
Yeah,
you a bitch.
MIKEY
Scram...
you've always been great to me. I remember the time when I couldn't sleep, I
went to all those meetings...
CUT
TO:
INT.
SUPPORT MEETING - SOME TIME AGO - NIGHT
A
WOMEN STANDS ON A PLATFORM WITH A MICROPHONE
WOMAN
Now
imagine your pain as a white light and step into your cave.
INT.
POWER CAVE - NIGHT
MIKEY
WALKS INTO HER CAVE
THE
WOMAN SPEAKS THROUGH VOICE OVER...
WOMAN
(V.O)
Now,
what do you see?
SHE
SEE'S SOCRAM TOPLESS
WOMAN
It's
your power animal
SOCRAM
Press
two for donkey noises...
HE
BEGINS TO MAKE NOISES LIKE A DONKEY
MIKEY
Wow,
I really do have problems.
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - PRESENT DAY - DAY
MIKEY
IS HOLDING SOCRAMS HAND TELLING HIM THIS STORY
MIKEY
You
got me through those tough times, and now I need you to help me again: How can
I make it up to Hanson?
SOCRAM
Well,
I was thinking of throwing him a party... since he's going away, and all...
MIKEY
Scram!
I'm serious. We can't celebrate his death with a party.
SOCRAM
Why
not? Parties aren't all bad. Remember the last one that we had?
CUT TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - SOME TIME AGO - HALLOWEEN - NIGHT
HANSON
STORMS DOWN THE STAIRS, ANGRY, DRESSED AS ANTONIO BANDERAS
HANSON
SOCRAM,
ME BIG DUMMY!! ME WANT SEXY SEXY FROM MIKEY, BUT YOU SO DAMN HOT. WHY THAT BE?
SOCRAM
FOLLOWS DRESSED AS ANTONIO BANDERAS
SOCRAM
Well,
my American Friend, It turns out that Mikey wants my body, not your suntanned,
sand scathed hippy-ass.
HANSON
TIE
DIE T-SHIRTS, FLOWERS, and PEACE OF LOVE!!
SOCRAM
You
want to fight? I challenge you to a duel.
MIKEY
WALKS IN
MIKEY
No,
Scram, this mortal is not worth it. You are too much 'the sexy' for him.
SOCRAM
Stay
away, woman. This is between me and the hippy.
HANSON
BIG
FIGHT!! YOU GO BOOM!!
SOCRAM
STABS HANSON, AND HE GOES DOWN
SOCRAM
Looks
like the hippy got the shaft.
MIKEY
Oh,
wow, you are so 'the sexy'. Let's go to your love-palace.
CUT
TO:
INT.
BASEMENT SUBLET - PRESENT DAY - DAY
MIKEY
IS CONFUSED
SOCRAM
And
we made love all night long...
MIKEY
That
never happened.
SOCRAM
Just
because you don't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen.
MIKEY
But,
I remember the actual time you guys wore the same costumes...
SOCRAM
If
a tree falls in the forest and hits you do you make a sound?
MIKEY
What?
A
SERIES OF GLANCES FOLLOWS, BETWEEN SOCRAM, MIKEY, AND JOHN.
SOCRAM
You
know what I'm saying
MIKEY
Are
you saying I should have sex with him?
SOCRAM
Him...
or me. Whichever one.
HANSON
ENTERS
HANSON
Hey,
guys. I said my goodbyes to everyone... Big-Stevo is really going to miss me,
plus he found me last sin amusing
SOCRAM
How
long left?
HANSON
Only
an hour. I figured I would just I would watch the best of girls gone wild one
last time.
MIKEY
(hesitant;
sighing)
Hanson,
I need to talk to you in private.
HANSON
Okay.
HANSON
AND MIKEY WALK TO HANSON'S ROOM
SOCRAM
Okay.
SOCRAM
GETS UP AND STARTS WALKING TOWARDS THEM
MIKEY
Not
you, Scram!
SOCRAM
SITS BACK DOWN.
JOHN
Wait,
she's going to sleep with him just because he's going to die? This always
happens every time he thinks he's going to die. And just when they are about to
do it, the phone always rings...
THE
PHONE RINGS
SOCRAM
I
get it.
HE
PICKS UP THE PHONE.
SOCRAM
Hello?
INT.
DOCTORS OFFICE - DAY
INTERCUT
BETWEEN DOCTORS OFFICE AND BASEMENT SUBLET
DOCTOR
MCGILLICUTTY IS ON THE OTHER LINE
DOCTOR
Hi,
I'm looking for an Archillies Hanson?
SOCRAM
This
is he.
DOCTOR
Well,
Um, No it's not, but, I'll talk to you anyway... there was a big, big mix up
today at the Doctor's Office and it turns out that Mr. Hanson will not be
passing this afternoon.
SOCRAM
SMILES
SOCRAM
Really?
DOCTOR
Yeah,
we got his file mixed up with one J. Smith who came into the office that same
day.
SMILING
TO HARD TO TALK
SOCRAM
Okay,
that's sad.
SOCRAM
HANGS UP.
SOCRAM
HA!
HANSON, NO SEX FOR YOU!!
HANSON
AND MIKEY RUN OUT OF THE ROOM WEARING A PILLOW AND SHEET RESPECTIVELY
HANSON
What?
MIKEY
So
you're not going to die?
SLAP
MIKEY
I
can't believe I fell for it again.
JOHN
See,
no one is going to die, like always.
SOCRAM
(to
JOHN)
No,
someone is going to die.
JOHN
You
heard me? Good-god! This is the best day of my life-
HANSON
WALKS TO SOCRAM
HANSON
Oh,
really? Who is going to die today?
JOHN
-I
can finally be a part of the group, I can finally join in on all of your
adventures and get recognition for saving you-
SOCRAM
Some
guy who went to the doctor’s office the same day as you did...
JOHN
-and
I can be noticed by Mikey, and we can... wait, I went to the doctor's office
the same day as...
JOHN
SMITH DOUBLES OVER
MIKEY
Aw,
some poor guy is going to die, and he such short notice.
JOHN
No,
why!
JOHN
DIES
HANSON
Oh,
well, I’ve learned something today... it's not how long you live, or how many
memories you have, or even if you are noticed or not...
BEAT
HANSON
(CONT'D)
(whispered
to Scram)
It's
how many times Mikey has almost slept with me that is important.
MIKEY
I
heard that.
SOCRAM
BEGINS SNIFFING
SOCRAM
Something
smells like death!
ALL
OH
SOCRAM, YOU SO CRAZY!!
SOCRAM
That's
me!
INSERT
LAUGH TRACK.
FADE TO BLACK.