Mo:
See ‘Freddy Got Fingered’. You will not like ‘Freddy Got Fingered’. Nobody
liked ‘Freddy Got Fingered’. It’s one of those movies you just can’t like. It’s
too Avant-Garde even from the perspective of someone who gets Tom Green’s sense
of humor
Marcos:
Its straight up crappy, if crap could make crap this would be it. Oh wait, crap
did make crap. The movie moves in the way crap can move other crap. If moving
crap was possible, by means of other crap.
Mo:
I liked it. But not really. It was one of those movies that I had to appreciate
because it was so unique. It starts off with some semblance of a plot. Kid
leaves home for Hollywood to make it as a animator. Great. Good for him.
Something wacky is bound to happen on the way to his goal as a animator, but no
one ever expects him to drive by a horse farm, get out of his car and fondle an
enlarged horses penis screaming ‘I’m a farmer’. From there it goes no where. He
hits old ladies with sausages, in a cheese factory, he makes a elephant
ejaculate onto his father, he beats his paraplegic girlfriend with a bamboo
stick (not in that order). There is no moral to the story. There is no organization
to the film. The film ends (not to give anything away) with blood splattering
onto a crowd, spewed from a eight year old boy, and has nothing to do with the
story line or lack there of
Marcos:
I liked the movie, if I like crap. I mean, the movie did have some comedic
moments. Even though some of it was unbearable to watch
Mo:
Most of it
Marcos:
But you had to laugh. Until a point. Everything after a caning seems to be
depressing. And I mean everything. This movie makes me look sane. For example.
Tom Green passes up a hummer (A Blow Job) from a paraplegic rocket scientist.
Not even I would do that
Mo:
She was really hot too.
Marcos:
Too give everything away it starts off decent, and ends up crappy.
Mo:
There was one valid point made in the movie, right Marcos?
Marcos:
I guess.
Mo:
The blowjob ratio thing
Marcos:
Oh right, right, right, right, right. It does make sense. But… I would never
attempt something like that. Especially pass up an opportunity like that. I say
if it pleases her, why not do it?
Mo:
I’m not going to explain. See the movie. It’s your homework assignment. But on
the topic of girls…
Marcos:
No way to please them
Mo:
I’m not a particularly attractive male. I’ve had two girlfriends in my history
on this planet and they both ended in DISASTER… I won’t go into detail… yet (I’ll
save that for later) but for now we’re working on concepts. Girls just can’t be
pleased. Marcos, as always, has brilliant scientific data that proves that this
holds true. Now before you say anything, you stupid ugly girl… No, this is not
attack on your gender. Don’t get us wrong, we still like girls in the physical
sense. Not in the… everything else sense
Marcos:
I beg to differ. I do not mind girls, even though half the time I am ignoring
them… until we get to the physical part. Even though I enjoy they’re company.
It’s like hanging out with myself, because after all I am ignoring them. I keep
on saying ‘yes yes, of course, oh that bitch’ even though it’s just playing on
a movie going on in my head - A really bad porno.
Mo:
Yes, well, I’m not saying I hate girls. I have girl-friends… not the type that
I sleep with, per say… But the type you talk to for the sole purpose of hoping
to understand the girls you will eventually sleep with. Yeah, and some are cool
to hang out with I guess. I’m coming off very misogynistic right now, and that
wasn’t the point at all. I like girls; I just have had bad experiences (don’t
worry you’ll hear about them later)
Marcos:
In other words we just don’t understand them. Which would make sense since they
are girls. If they were like me, they would be me.
Mo:
…In other words if they thought like guys they would be guys. Not to say they
would all look like Marcos
Marcos:
The point is, because they are not like me they are hard to understand. It’s
hard to understand anybody that’s not you.
Mo:
I understand you-
Marcos:
After all no one thinks like me
Mo:
Damn straight
Marcos:
Except for mo
Mo:
…Don’t contradict me!
Marcos:
To get back on topic…
Mo:
Lets go on with our example.
Marcos:
We wrote this in a lab report for chemistry class.
_____________________________________________________________________
Mohamed Connery Shafeek Jr. and Marcos (Sexy)
Antonio Ramos 10/27/01
Chemistry Period
7/8
LAB #23 - FEMINSTRY
INTRODUCTION: Girls, and their Psyche. What’s up with that?
PROBLEM: To finally prove once and
for all, and beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is no way to please a
woman.
MATERIALS: A Room, About Twenty Or
More Girls, Tongs, A Beaker, Two crazy men, Bunsen Burner, Sulfur, A Television
Screen, a Tape of Last Weeks Dawson’s Creek, A Tape of TRL, and Flyers.
HYPOTHESIS: We’ll be right in the fact
that girls are impossible to please.
PROCEDURES:
First
Marcos and I passed out flyers around the school saying ‘Party at the Chem. Lab
after school’ with pictures of Pie and Dawson’s Creek (chick’s dig that kind of
stuff) and on the back of the paper we wrote ‘We love Justin Timberlake!!!’
About seventy guys (Including Dr. Powel and President Lando…. We’ll explain
them later) showed up, and we had to turn them down, they didn’t seem the get
the idea that we were shooting for girls only.
We
eventually gathered (and kidnapped) a total of 20 girls, of different sizes
shapes, races, and bra sizes… I’m sorry getting off track. Or as Marcos would
say
‘ON Track’
We
set up a bowl of punch, put on some ‘NSync, and some Alicia Keys and had a
large TV screen playing last weeks Dawson’s creek (You know, the one where
Dawson went to Boston to visit Joey and he decided to stay because they still
have feelings for each other, and the one where that hot guy, you know Michelle’s
roommate took off his shirt. Oh my god he is so hot)
… Ahem…
We put it behind us and we
took a beaker full of calcium fluoride and put it underneath a Bunsen burner,
holding it with tongs screaming “This is turning to be zoo”… (We’ll explain
that later too)
“And
now… The experiment”. As all the girls slowly took their eyes off of the hot
guys naked chest (which was there for about a half an hour because it was
paused then rewound about fifty times… like when our girlfriends rented boogie
nights for the first time and watched the infamous Marky Mark penile scene over
and over again… think that on a ‘Made For TV’ level). As the sulfur-oxide
started burning up it released a pretty scent, like that of a fresh mountain
breeze, or salt and vinegar (you know we’ll explain that later too) and then
the doors opened.
They
were probably expecting someone hot, but whom they got was out buddy Ryan
Stenta. He’s tall, kind of good looking, but in that anemic, heroin addict sort
of way. He ran in and with full force and enthusiasm yelled…
“I
JUST MADE LOVE TO A GOAT”
Silence.
Every girl looked around and
said “What?” almost at the same time.
IT was a freaky noise. Not
the freaky noise that Marcos makes when getting poked in his stomach like the
Pillsbury dough boy, but freaky like when two Pikachus are killed at the same
time in Super Smash Bros for the Nintendo 64… that kind of freaky.
By that time Ryan had left
the room leaving the girls bewildered. Mission One, a success. We approached
all of the girls and asked them what they thought about what just happened. And
these where some of the comments that we heard…
“That was weird”
“He was weird”
“What’s a goat?”
“I’ll never sleep with him again”
Marcos says, “That’s why you should sleep with me”
They all said what we
thought they would say. But now for part two. We turned off the tape and put on
a tape of TRL (seeing as how it is night and TRL isn’t on at night… unless it’s
a weekend and they are showing a repeat of some episode, or some top ten
episode from MTV’s twentieth anniversary thing... you know what I’m saying)
every girl turned around and said in that freaky Pikachu voice
“CARSON DALY YOU ARE OUR
LORD AND SAVOIR INCARNITE”
And Carson replied by saying
“LISTEN TO POP MUSIC< I BRING YOU RICKY MARTIN”… Just then Ricky martin
pranced out on stage, and shook his bon-bon. The girls we’re following his
hips. We paused at this point, not only to further on with the experiment, but
because Ricky Martin is so damn hypnotic they probably would’ve fallen asleep
staring at this “Bon… Bon”
The Door opened again and in
came our buddy ‘Greg Silverman’. Unlike Ryan Stenta, he is not attractive in
the slightest. (In the picture section of this book is his baby picture. Now
imagine that, but hairier)
He ran in and yelled…
“I DIDN”T MAKE LOVE TO A
GOAT’
And walked out gracefully…
as gracefully as a three hundred pound koala could…even thought that isn’t
really possible, just expand your imagination for the purpose of that image….
Mo:
Not to get off topic (not that we ever do) but if you are having trouble
imagining the things we ask you to.. Just watch ‘Freddy got fingered’. It’ll
expand your horizons
Marcos:
Seriously, during the course of the movie, you would gladly imagine that you
were watching something else.
Mo:
Back to the report
________________________________________________________________________
Every girl stared in awe at the running Koala and
began to speak.
“That was weird?”
“He was weird”
“What the hell is a goat? Is it some sort of inside
joke?”
Mo: … That was the foreign exchange student. She
didn’t seem to understand anything that was going on.
________________________________________________________________________
“I really do regret sleeping with him”
________________________________________________________________________
Marcos: …Ironically enough that was a goat speaking
________________________________________________________________________
They all went back to the TV and eventually fell
asleep staring at the hypnotic sways of Ricky martin’s Ass…
DIAGRAMS: See Next Page…
CONCLUSION:
Girls are impossible to
please. If you were to say that you had sex with a goat, they would not
understand, become upset, and would gladly never want to see you again.
If you say that you didn’t
have sex with a goat you will receive the same reaction, proving once and for
all that there is no middle ground with women. You say the situation was too
bizarre? Fine, let’s put it into a different situation.
Your girlfriend is sick, and you bring her flowers, you’ve
only been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks, you really like her, so you
get her roses. She is allergic to roses. You didn’t know this. She yells at
you. You feel bad. But if you didn’t bring her flowers, the next time that she
sees some guy giving a girl flowers she will point it out saying that you never
ever do anything like that, and you will feel bad. Make sense?
Okay how about Marcos’
analogy.
“How
about if you are in bed with your woman and while she is sleeping you pull a ’Midnight
Stealth’… See Maxim Issue Number 43, page 128. The next morning you tell her
and she gets upset. If you don’t tell her and she gets pregnant then she still
gets upset. You just can’t win”
Point proven. Enough Said.
Marcos:
And another thing we don’t understand about women… How can they use Douches?
Mo:
Yeah… Um… it’s just weird in concept. I mean you’re sticking a plastic turkey
baster into you Hoo-Hah
Marcos:
Hoo-Hahs are breasts
Mo:
Hoo-hah by itself means vagina. Hoo-Hahs mean breasts… anyway; they have very
interesting scents out there.
Marcos:
But if you look at all the ingredients they would say Water and Vinegar… no
Fresh Mountain Breeze in the ingredients… no Oak tree leaf… or not even a pinch
of lime
Mo:
A pinch of lime?
Marcos:
Yes, as in Lemon Lime smell!
Mo:
Whatever… This too is not an attack on the female gender. Douches are just one
of those things that work in concept, but not in execution. There are a lot of
those things out there.
Marcos:
To understand the problem with douches you must figure out the need for
douches. They are meant for the cleaning of the… Hoo-Hah. That’s all well and
good that you want to clean it and you figure there’s a need for cleaning it,
but who said to themselves… I need to clean to my vagina let me use vinegar… no
wait it’s too strong let me dilute it with some water…
Mo:
Ahem…
Marcos:
And then realized that it smells like a pure mountain breeze.
Mo:
A lady just stepped into the house, so we’re changing topics very fast…
Marcos:
Japanese Commercials
Mo:
Yes, Japanese commercials
Marcos:
What is a Japanese commercial anyway? If you ever see a commercial for a pocket
pikachu… You know that little yellow game where you care for a pikachu.. Yeah I
know it’s retarded. So anyway the commercial had little Asian kids…
Looks around to see if any
little Asian kids have entered
Mo:
Spinning hula hoops and saying…
Marcos:
To my best recollection “Pikachu so nice, me like hula hoop, me have so much
fun, buy pikachu or die!”
Mo:
…
Marcos:
And at the end of the commercial there was a giant flash that said ‘Pokemon!’
Mo:
I agree with that at least…
Marcos:
Now if we were to ‘American-lize’ this we would have a white and a black kid
saying, “Wow it’s the new pocket pikachu!” “So we shake it and shake it” and
enter the sixties style song with lyrics like ‘and we shake it and we shake it,
to make pikachu groooooooow, and you will buy it if you are a fan of this
shooooooooow… or if you want to be cool”
Mo:
That episode of South Park with Chin Pokomon was on the money…
Marcos:
For example the Simpsons episode about Mr. Sparkle
Mo:
The fish bulb.
Marcos:
In the commercial he is quoted as saying “I’m disrespectful to dirt! Can you
see I am serious? Get out of my way all of you! This is no place for loafers.
Join me or die. Can you do any less? For lucky best wash use Mr. Sparkle.
Mo:
Classic
Marcos:
If you aren’t following what we are saying I will demonstrate how Japanese
Commercials work
Mo:
We are really going nowhere with this
Marcos:
Lets take the Quaker Oats guy. He dresses like an old English man. Kids don’t
like that. Now if you take off his pants…
Mo:
What?!
Marcos:
Wait hear me out… Put on a grass skirt, make him wear sandals, and bright neon
pink sunglasses, and a couple of lays, while holding a margarita… and a surf
board
Mo:
A margarita and a surfboard?
Marcos:
I told you hear me out. Kids automatically like it. To kids this is like eye
candy. Or kiddy drugs.
Mo:
Like ecstasy?
Marcos:
Yeah.
Mo:
What does this have to do with Japanese commercials?
Marcos:
Wait, it’s getting there. Now lets have the kid the Life cereal commercials
Mo:
Mikey?
Marcos:
Yeah, Whatever. And have the Quaker guy appear right behind him in a puff of
smoke. And for now on he will no longer be known as Quaker guy, but as Quaker
Dude! All the kids and Mikey turn around and say hey there’s Quaker dude!
Mo:
Now there are more than one kid? What’d he do multiply?
Marcos:
Yeah… but they don’t explain it in the commercial. Alright, so Quaker Dude
automatically says “Yo, Dude, Mamma Jamma try this!” laughing he takes a handful of cereal and throws it in Mikey’s
mouth
Mo:
He has good aim
Marcos:
Mikey smiles in enjoyment. It says on the bottom ‘MMMmmmm”
Mo:
Because “Mmmm” is different in Japanese.
Keep in mind that Marcos Is
uncontrollably laughing right now, he can’t think straight. Picture him
struggling to say these things and you’ll understand what it is like to write
this right now
Marcos:
Alright… Now all the other kids point at Mikey and say, “Hey, he likes it”
Mo:
Thus fringing on an already blatant corporate plagiarism
Marcos:
And then a flash of Mikey making the noises of a rabid animal and spinning
uncontrollably.
Mo:
Where are you going with this?!
Marcos:
Hear me out! And flying through the air and then you have a flash of Quaker
saying, “I taste great cause Quaker’s COOOOOOOL like that!”
Mo:
…
Marcos:
And at the end of the commercial we see Grandpa…
Mo:
Where the hell did he come from?
Marcos:
This is why it’s a Japanese commercial… He takes a bite of Quaker cereal and
starts spinning really slow
Mo:
On account of this walking disability
Marcos:
And then he jumps. Cause he can’t fly… because he’s too old. Or that’s what I
Say because you really can’t make sense of all of this
Mo:
… so what the hell does that have to do with Japanese commercials?
Marcos:
If you put it in perspective, it has a bunch of strange acts in one scene, and
kids immediately mix up this information for something cool, cause kids are
extremely naive and if they don’t understand anything they immediately assume
it’s cool, and since parents won’t understand it either it makes it even
cooler. Thus making Quaker Oats sell more cereal, or whatever the hell they
sell…
Mo:
They sell oatmeal
Marcos:
Now you can apply this to any commercial. Take Geico… Have it as a regular
lizard saying ‘I’m a Gecko not Geico’ and having a guy step on him. Then the
foot goes flying and blows up
Mo:
WHAT?!
Marcos:
Wait hear me out…
Mo:
I’m sick of hearing you out!
Marcos:
Have the gecko fly up with fire around him with a large blond wig saying ‘I’m
super sayin Gecko!’ Throwing a fire ball at the screen.. And a sign that says ‘GEICO
we’ll fix your breaks…
Mo:
...They sell car insurance Marcos…
Marcos:
It doesn’t make a difference. Kids will automatically like it and buy it
Mo:
They don’t need car insurance!
Marcos:
But… Since kids have high influence over their parents, kids will convince
their parents to buy it. So in other words kids revolve around things that
people buy, we as Americans need to start making out commercials more Japanese,
since they target kids so well…
Mo:
Now it makes sense…
Marcos:
Well, that’s what I tell myself. I just really like thinking that the Geico
gecko can turn into a super sayin.
Mo:
Congratulations. Time for a new topic
Marcos:
My diet never works out for me.
Mo:
That’s a topic. Dieting.
Marcos:
And here’s the end of the topic. No!
Mo:
Why not?
Marcos:
They never work out.
Mo:
It works.
Marcos:
If I wanted eat one meal a day I would. But I’m fat, there’s a difference.
Basically it’s not in my nature. But one day I will make a booklet on how to
loose weight
Mo:
What will you call it?
Marcos:
Lose weight Fat-Ass
Mo:
No one likes being made fun of.
Marcos:
It’s the direct approach so fat people learn that they need to lose weight. And
this book provides the direct solution
Mo:
So what are some tips?
Marcos:
Well first of all, the first page will say ‘Stop eating as much’. And then
every page after that will list an example. Like, the second page…
Mo:
What does that say?
Marcos:
‘Look fatty, why eat a jelly doughnut. Just take the doughnut, squeeze the
jelly out, scrape off all of the glaze… and eat bread.
Mo:
What?!
Marcos:
What makes you fat is the jelly, and the glaze…. And the fried dough. So you’re
better of eating bread.
Mo:
So what if they question that?
Marcos:
Oh see after the example, I’ll say “Oh, you don’t understand, Stupid?! Just
stop eating as much, and eat bread! See next page for more examples” Now the
next page will say “When you want to eat a cheese burger with bacon just
remember to take out the bacon, take out the cheese, take out the meat, and
throw out the bread because some grease probably leaked through, and eat the
wrapper... Wait a second don’t eat the wrapper. Grease probably leaked through
that too. So what do you eat? Nothing FATTY!! Get it though you fat head. Don’t
eat fat foods. Want another example? See the next page.
Mo:
…
Marcos:
The next page will say ‘You want to eat angel food cake?”
Mo:
What’s wrong with angel food cake?
Marcos:
It couldn’t be any more devilish, that’s all…
Mo:
What?!
Marcos:
Okay, just follow along
Mo:
I’ll try
Marcos:
It’ll say “Hey looks tasty, probably delicious, I mean after all it’s just a
cake. A heavenly cake. Oh wait, you just remembered something: Cake is
fattening, and oh wait Angels?! You’re willing to eat an angel!? Think about
it, and angle is made of sixty percent water twenty percent Jesus…
Laughs
Marcos:
And thirty percent fat
Mo:
Wow that makes a full 100 percent
Marcos:
No, it’s actually more than that, because angles are more than humans. Back to
what I was saying. The fact that you put cake… FATTY! And thirty percent fat…
FATTY! …Equals TONS OF FAT! Which therefore if you were to eat this you would
be known as TONS OF FAT! Even thought you rather be called TONS OF LOVE, no one
will make love to you, not even with my Man-Rod… my thirty foot man-rod
Mo:
How did we get to this?
Marcos:
Wait a second it’s not over. In other words, stop eating so much FATTY!
Mo:
Very motivational.
Marcos:
Wait! It’s not over. Then I say man, Jesus, don’t you understand, fat is not
good for you. Maybe you have some fat stuck in your ear. Why don’t you just
take a Q-Tip and clean the fat out of your ear, and then eat it because it’s
honey glazed... No wait! Don’t do that!
Because that’s fattening. Dammit!
Mo:
How many pages is this book?
Marcos:
599 pages
Mo:
Jesus
Marcos:
But it gets the message across.
Mo:
Dr. Seuss gets the message across in like 20 pages
Marcos:
Dr. Seuss gets it across in 20 pages. I get it across in 5, but I prefer
stressing the point. You figure you can’t really trust fat people because they
would probably eat the book before they finished it. If you told them if it
were honey glazed
Mo:
Would you…?
Marcos:
We do on page 49. And then we say “Stupid, you’re not supposed to eat so much,
books are really fatty, damn TONS OF FAT! God! Jesus stop eating so much. How
am I supposed to get you to learn if you eat the book? Jeez, just turn to the
next page!
Mo:
Who the hell would read this?
Marcos:
Someone who wants to lose weight
Mo:
Not if you’re making fun of them!
Marcos:
Oh big deal, it’s called tough love. It works after all. I mean Jenny Craig and
Richard Simmons aren’t doing their job and their really nice. You figure if you
yell at them a little they will probably learn, even thought that’s wrong. Look
at Diana Stark. She weighed a gruesome 390 lbs (see page… for picture of Diana
Stark present day) she went from tons of love to a little bit of love. And
everyone loves the little things in life, and she probably wouldn’t have made
it if I never pointed out that she was fat all the time. I mean look at Jenny
Jones, they always have those episodes where they have people who are like ‘You
used to make fun of me, look at me now’ and it’s always some dorky gas station
worker who made fun of this really ugly girl but now the girl is a porn star
Mo:
It’s true. He’s not making this up
Marcos: But they look good now, and they look bad
then, and they would never be where they are now if they weren’t made fun of.
But then again I’m fat.
Mo:
Lose some weight
Marcos:
Got to be more assertive
Mo:
Lose some weight… fatty?
Marcos:
Yeah, I just might… But you know what you’re probably right; books like these
probably don’t work. The only person that can make you lose weight is yourself
and that’s why I say the topic of weight loss is a waste of time. It doesn’t
really work, and it’s a bad subject. That’s all
Mo:
Wow, never knew you had such strong views on the topic
Marcos:
Crying. Don’t get me started. Now,
since the girl is gone… More about douches. So what was the last thing I said
about douches?
Mo:
Fresh mountain breeze…
Marcos:
See that’s ridiculous. You’re telling me that after you spray your Hoo-Hah with
vinegar and water it smells like fresh mountain breeze. Or lemon lime scent
Mo:
I refuse to believe there is a lemon lime flavor
Marcos:
That’s the thing. How would a woman really know that it smells like that? I
mean the only way they would really know is if they asked someone who went down
on them what it smelt like… now lets think about this situation. The man is
down there thinking he might get some, while the women’s saying “Does it smell
like fresh mountain breeze?” The guy automatically thinks ‘Hey this is some
weird kinky fetish she has, hey f-it I’m probably going to get some if I play
along…’ “Yeah, It does, Honey” And this proves nothing, cause in actuality it
probably smells like vinegar and water.
Mo:
You make a good point
Marcos:
And for a woman to actually believe that just spraying you’re self with vinegar
you can smell like the Himalayas when in actually you probably smell like the
Rocky Mountains. But no one can really tell the difference. Because no woman is
going to stick their vagina in someone’s face and ask them how it smells.
Mo:
They aren’t very secure about that type of thing
Marcos:
And plus I’m tired of women saying that guys also smell ‘down there’. I mean,
you guys get a whole entire aisle in the supermarket, and we get a bar of soap
Mo:
Deal with it
Marcos:
So women have no real reason for their stuff not to be clean. So stop
complaining about my smell. Plus you probably smell like vinegar anyway.
Mo:
The more you know. Hey, and they only cost 99 cents at the local… 99 cent store
Marcos:
Yeah the 99 cent store. The store of gods. You can find anything at the 99 cent
store. Especially shirts with yellow stains.
Mo:
Yeah, for only 99 cents. We were trying to mass produce our MKMA clothing line
for a relatively cheap… so we resorted to buying used… ugh
Marcos:
They weren’t used, they were just damaged goods. Or stolen
Mo:
I shudder to think if the douches there were used too
Marcos:
They probably were used, or damaged… or stolen from a person who was using a
damaged, used douche. Let’s recreate the scenario:
“Oh, Look at this. A 99 cent douche. It looks
damaged, and used. Oh well, it’s 99 cents”
She goes home and begins to use it
“Wow, this is effective, even though used, and
damaged”
A Chinese lady bursts through the door
“YOINK!”
She grabs the douche and runs as fast as she can,
while saying
“We can sell! We found more douches!”
Realizes there are juices than necessary, cleans it
with the white shirts…
Mo:
NO! NO! That’s just wrong!
Marcos:
But it could explain a lot. That would be really funny if that were true. You
gave a douche stained T-Shirt to Kristen.
Mo:
Shut up!
Marcos:
Yeah, I know it’s F-ed up. But you can’t expect to find anything that’s not
F-ed up at a 99 cent store. If you wanted quality you would pay 2.99 like everyone
else
Mo:
Yeah, but the 99 cent store has Family Condom Centers. For those who don’t
understand (for everyone reading) the 99 cent store sold condoms… 99 cent
packages of condoms…
Marcos:
Wow that’s not safe, especially for a family
Mo:
That comes out to less than 33 cent per condom. Probably much less because they
have to make a profit
Marcos:
Hey, why not. I mean, if your father’s gonna use one why not the wife
Mo:
What?
Marcos:
And the little kid. And why not the pet dog. After all it’s for families. And
all families consist of a wife, a kid, and a dog
Mo:
Can I finish?
Marcos:
Yeah, you can, But after I say this: The sign is in the wrong store. No family
isn’t gonna go to the 99 cent store. They’ll go to geneovese before they go to
the 99 cent store. They should put that sign up next to the water guns and the
kites.
Mo:
Are you finished?
Marcos:
…Yeah
Mo:
Great. I don’t even know what I was talking about anymore
Marcos:
Well if you have no idea we can talk about the knock off transformer toys.
Mo:
Or the movie Knock Off with Van Damme
Marcos:
What’s the movie Knock off with Van Damme?
Mo:
Exactly
Marcos:
…Yeah. Wait let’s balance this out. Bad movie called Knock Off or a Bouney Bal
that’s really a Yo Yo
Mo:
Marcos they have no idea what any of this means. If you want to know what the
flash bouncy ball is, look in the diagrams section. Back to the Condom Center…
It was funny because there was a big sign that held mass amounts of 33 cent
condoms and labeled ‘The Family
Condom Center’ of all things. Not the Cheap
condom center. Not the prevent-a-family
condom center…
Marcos:
The 99 cent store. The only place you can find really cheap toys that are
really hazardous for only 99 cents.
Mo:
…
Marcos:
How do you come back from that?
Mo:
I’m sorry, I had a blank moment there.
Marcos:
Well, fine, the only place you can find food that doesn’t taste good. Have you
ever had any of the candy
Mo:
Once. They sold these raspberry flavored chewy things for 99 cents… of course.
Yeah, they were pretty gross.
Marcos:
Well, we can say this much. Well if you were to try to buy these raspyberry
fruity whatchamacallums at Walbaums they would probably come out to 4.99. At
the 99 cent store they only come out to 99 cents. That’s why it’s the 99 cent
store
Mo:
You keep saying that. Anyway, it’s really the 1.08 cent store. Because it’s
plus tax
Marcos:
You never count the tax.
Mo:
Yeah you do.
Marcos:
On the price tag it says one price. Not the price plus tax
Mo:
Bitch.
Marcos:
Anyways, it’s the only place you buy a douche will cost you the same as a
raspberry whatchamawhosit…
Mo:
We’re changing topics now. That was going nowhere faster than the fat book.
Marcos:
Except we got somewhere with the fat book. Atleast with the fat book we
actually had a moral behind it
Mo:
Yeah. Eat less fatty
Marcos:
No, there is no way to actually get rid of your fatness until you accept that
you need to change
Mo:
Sure, make it sound nicer
Marcos:
Fine, I’ll make it sound bad. You will never lose your fat-isity until till you
decide to stop eating. Fatty!
Mo:
That’s better. So Marcos Happy Halloween
Marcos:
Your Mother
Mo:
Thanks.
Marcos:
So what are you dressed as
Mo:
No one. I have no money to dress up. I just put my hair in a Mohawk for the
occasion.
Marcos:
Guess who I am
Mo:
I dunno
Marcos:
Guess
Mo:
I don’t know.
Marcos:
Guess.
Mo:
Just fucking tell me
Marcos:
I’m brad pitt
Mo:
…
Marcos:
Just punch me in face
Mo:
… Please explain that.
Marcos:
This is why we need Dave here
Mo:
Yeah, for those of you who don’t know Dave, he’ll be a guest speaker…
eventually
Marcos:
Yeah, he’s also a ‘White Juan’
Mo:
Oh, yeah. Just White Juan. Well, if we’re famous at the point when we publish
this epic novel, and we have released more than just film, you will notice a
reoccurring character in all of our films. If we’re not famous, put the book
down, you’re reading a book by a bunch of homeless, bums, who can’t get their
film career off the ground.
Marcos:
That’s speaks for itself
Mo:
So Juan, if he is the reoccurring character. We… assembled him in 9th grade
chorus class. It was more of a Marcos Dave collaboration than a Marcos Mo
collaboration, but it came out just as well. This was back in the day (5 days
from now…)
Marcos:
No one will get that
Mo:
I’ll explain later. So Back in the day we were going a little ‘Film Idea’
crazy. The first film idea we came up with was a movie called ‘The Revenge of
the XXX-Con’?
Marcos:
No it was just called ‘The XXX Con’
Mo:
Right, right. It was about a lawyer divorcing his wife ‘Pamela Anderson’ and
get’s thrown into jail because Pamela sleeps with the judge during a thirty
minute recess. And the movie was about him escaping jail and proving he is
innocent. But the movie had many flaws even from the premise. How the hell did
he go to Jail?!
Marcos:
That’s what makes it funny. The only thing the movie was really missing was
White Juan.
Mo:
I know I”ll get to that. So anyway, that was our first film idea. We then had
an idea to make two separate movies about MARCOS. One called ‘A Day In The Life
Of Marcos’ Which was one of the few film ideas that we followed through with…
You can see it when we release our movie made up of short movies called ‘MKMA
loses their shorts’… that’s a tentative title. If we come up with something
catcheyier than we will change it… yeah, I’m getting side tracked
Marcos:
Not like you ever do
Mo:
Shut it. So the othe rmarcos movie was called….
Marcos:We
can’t remember the name off the top of our head, but just imagine a Japanese
cartoon and you’ll understand what we were going for
Mo:
It was stick figures. And Marcos was a pimp, and there drug deals… it had the
exact same plot of the Oscar Winning film ‘Traffic. They stole it from us. Fuck
Steven Sodherburg. Fuck him right in the ear.
Marcos:
No comment. I personally like Steven Soddenberg. But you ddin’t hear that from
me
Mo:
Oh Yeah, well what else did he make then?!
Marcos:
It’s not what he makes it’s what he does
Mo:
So what does he do?!
Marcos:
He gives back to the community
Mo:
How? He made Erii Brockav… whatever, and Traffic. Two of grittiest least
entertaining films of the last few years.
Marcos:
That’s my point. He creates movies that a terrible, creating a need for people
to make fun and interesting movies. There for giving to the community ideas of
how to make a beter movie than Traffic, or Erin Whatchamacallit.
Mo:
Anyway… So then we had an idea for a Comic Book. Yeah!
Marcos:
Oh that’s right. The New York Renegades
Mo:
Damn Straight. It was a comic book before it was a movie.
Marcos:
That’s if by this point it is a movie. But if isn’t a movie.. prepare to see
the most kick ass film you’ll ever see in your whole entire life
Mo:
That’s a promise. Think the matrix on speed, then injected with heroin to down
it a little, but then it accidentally sniffs some cocaine, thuse causing a
brain hemmorage
Marcos:
Which makes him thirsty so he goes for a bottle of…
Mo:
BLITZ!
Marcos:
Then he goes crazy jumping over couches till he reaches the blitz bottle while
defending himself against thirty other movies trying to get the blitz bottle!
This is a good time for you to be like ‘What?!’
Mo:
Yeah, we’ll probably explain later
Marcos:
We’ll probably explain a lot of things, but not in this book. We’ll probably
forget to explain half the things we’re promising you, like who is White Juan.
I have a feeling that we’ll end up talking about my DMV punching machine before
we talk about him… So we’ll make a second book
Mo:
Called … Oops! We Forgot!
Marcos:
It will probably help you read this book a lot easier
Mo:
So just hop in your Time Machine and go back in time and give the new book with
the newly acquired info to your old self… but then… seeing as how you have all
this new information when reading the new book you will have no reason to
purchase the new book when it comes out thus you will have no reason to go back
in time to give yourself the new book to read to understand this book , thus
creating a paradox, and the world goes… Marcos?
Marcos:
See there is a reason for this. See now that you know ..
Mo: I was asking you for the sound effect…
Marcos:
Alright, if it makes you happy… BOOM!
Mo:
Better.
Marcos:
See not that you know that if you don’t go back in time to give yourself this
information knowing that this will cause a paradox… wow that confuses me… and I’m
not even done yet… just give me a second to collaborate my thoughts
Mo:
This is a book, you don’t need seconds, I can just stop writing…
Marcos:
Alright this will be a good point to stop…
Mo:
Okay, we’ve come to an understanding…
Marcos:
See what I was trying to say was that knowing this information, going back in
time to give yourself this book, you will have to continuously have to go back
in time not to destroy the space time continuum
Mo:
I don’t think they’ll understand any of this…
Marcos:
Well it doesn’t really matter if they understand. They just have to do it, or
they’ll destroy the universe. The only question is now, what do you do after
you give your old self the book. Do you do on a rampage killing everyone?
Mo:
No, that would cause a paradox.
Marcos:
That’s why you’ll go back home and watch Pokemon
Mo:
I don’t think pokemon will be around
Marcos:
I don’t think a time machine will be aournd then either, but you don’t see me
complaining
Mo:
… Back to the movies. What was the last thing I was talking about.
Marcos: don’t think it matters.Let’s move on and if
we happen to stumble apon a past thought we’ll come back to it, if not it’ll be
in ‘Oops I forgot’
Mo:
Great. So, Marcos lets go look at our list of topics
Marcos::
Things that work in Concept, but not in Execution.
Mo:
Just like our book. We’ve been trying to keep a straight thought process, but
you’ve seen how that’s worked so far.
But that’s not really why this is a topic on conversation worthy of the
mighty pages of whatever the hell book is called
Marcos:
For now we’ll call it how to pick up girls, retarded style…
Mo:
Thus alienating any mentally handicapped fans we may have… but sseriously this
will be the section of the book that ties in the title of the book to the other
800 pages of crap… kinda like Clear and Present Danger.. with out the sheer
masculine good looks of Harrison Ford.
Marcos:
Yeah, whatever. I’ve created a method to pick up any girl you desire. Now you
may say, “I’ve tried books like these before, and they never work. I’ve tried
hypnotizing women, and I’ve tried hitting them over the head with a club and
dragging them by their hair. And I’ve even tried jumping into their Psyche by
reading Women are from Mars and Men are from Venus” Or vice versa. Jupmping
into their psyche, wearing their underwear… clothing, perfume, wigs,
pantihoose, lipstick…
Mo:
…. Who said that?
Marcos:
I’m not done. Now I have to get back into character, let me repeat this… Women’s
psyche by wearing their panties… not because it makes me look thin or sexy, or
makes me feel like a natural woman. Not like I want to be a natural woman. I
want to get in their psyche. Seriously. Stop grilling me.
Mo:
Who the hell would say that?
Marcos:A
person who has tried all these things would probably say that. And that’s why I
provide a solution
Mo:
Like the fat book?
Marcos:
Exactly, but more fool proof
Mo:
Like your plan to yell ‘SEXY’ out of my car in the hopes of picking up a chick?
Marcos:
Yeah, that works in concept
Mo:
And this plan works in execution?
Marcos:
Yes. You see by yelling SEXY every girl will turn. And then if you say “Yeah,
You’ and then pointing in a random direction, like upwards a girl will be
confused and want to know if you were talking to them, thus sparking
conversation… Or get a bunch of guys who are sitting at a corner wondering
which one of them you called sexy, and got in their car and chased you through
valley stream
Mo:
This is a true story. He’s not making this up. I never thought Marcos yelling ‘SEXY’
out of my car window would make me fear for my life…
Marcos:
But this leads perfectly to my idea. See… if you were pick up a woman by using
your pathetic line like “Hey, baby, did you wash your pants in windex?… Because
I can see myself… Fucking You! And just stopping there
Mo:
Or falling to the ground from the impact of the slap to your face
Marcos:
Ha, this is where my plan comes in. See, usually girls will smack you in your
face for saying something like that. This is how you avoid the smack, and get
closer to the booby.
Mo:
Singular
Marcos:
Lets just say you say the line ‘Hey, do you have a quater?” The girl will
obviously say “Why, you pathetic retard loser!?” Then you say “Because I want
to call my mom and tell her Ima abouta get laaaaaaiidd” This is the point where
she raises her hand to smack you… this is when you say… ‘AAAAWWWWOOOOOAAARRRGGHHH-MOOOOMMMMMYYY!!!!!!!”
While patting your arms against your chest. See diagrams.
Mo:
What?! Wait.. I know this is going to make sense at the end for some strange
reason.
Marcos:
And this is why… You see the girl would normally smack you, but now she has an
overwheliming amount of pity for you, felling sorry and she’ll be more
comforting to you. And then she’ll say “Hey, It’s okay” Grab you and put your
face closer to her tities, and say “There, there child, everything will be okay”.
Remember to continue the rouse by saying stuff like “MOOOMMMMMYYYYYYEAAAHAILOVEYOUMOMMY”
Pause for drooling, and licking up the drool of the mountainous mammary glands,
and continuing by saying ‘MELOVEYMILK!!” Then she’ll be forced to say “There,
there, you’ll get your milk, eventually”
Mo:
No She won’t.
Marcos:
Yeah! Of course she will. IT’s just the woman psyche. No woman in their right
mind would actually embarrass a retarded kid by ignoring him and leaving him
helpless in the middle of the dance floor or bar. This is where your friend
comes in handy. Your friend should come in right when she says ‘I’ll give you
tons of milk. Tons!”
Mo:
NO WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY THAT!! NOT EVEN TO A RETARDED CHILD!
Marcos:
Just shut up for a second! See your friend should come in and tell you to go to
your house quickly to take your medicine or you’ll relapse. That’s when you get
to more of your other friend to come in from behind and yell “Hey That’s the
kid with my money!” And chase the friend who just told you about your
medication to run as fast as he can!
Mo:
WHAT!?!
Marcos:
Just listen! This just gives you a reason for you to get to your house. And
seeing as how your friend can’t take you to your house, the girl has to take
you to your house. When you arrive at your house, tell her you need her to help
her with the medication…
Mo:
What are you lauging about?
Marcos:
Don’t forget to mention ‘Mommy’ every once and a while… something like “MOMMY
MOMMY, MOMMY GIVE ME MEDICATION, PINK BUNNIES” Then saying something like “EASTER
BUNNY” and laughing uncontrolabbly
Mo:
Like you?
Marcos:
Then you lead her to your room and tell her you need her to help apply the
medication. Then pull out whipped cream. This is where you spray your member
with whipped cream and say “I need someone to use saliva to get rid of the
ointment in order for the medicine to work” At this point she should be
catching on. But this is where your light your room and she sees your bedsheets
have cowboys on it, the floor has superman underwear, and the walls are covered
with pictures of power rangers. Have some Clifford books lying around for extra
effect. She’ll have no choice but to believe that you are a retard. After all,
Power Rangers? And after a while she’ll say “Wow Marcos You’re amazing. I’m
glad I left puffy for you” And the story of how I got to sleep with Jennifer
Lopez. Proof that this works.
Mo:
…
Marcos:
What?
Mo:
This is proof?
Marcos:
I told you it works. You should try it one day
Mo:
You didn’t prove anything! You just made that last part up. Grammatically, it’a
a very poorly told story. It starts off like a How To… guide, and ends up a
Erotic…FICTIONAL novel about
you and J. LO!
Marcos:
Even if I were lying...
Mo:
YOU ARE!
Marcos:
It wouldn’t make a difference. This actually does work. It’s so detailed, it
can’t fail. Wouldn’t you want to see someone try this.
Mo:
Yes, more than anything, but I’m terribly afraid that this is one of those
things that only works in concept, not in execution…
Marcos:
You’re probably right. Seeing a guy go up to girl and saying “Nice shoes, wanna
fuck?” and following up with ‘Daddy no no spanky!” would be actually really
hilarious to see. The girl will probably laugh at you, instead of with you… and
probably never put you close to her booby because she doesn’t want to ruin her
Prada blouse with retardo-juice. Or saliva… But If it does work, you’ll be
kicking yourself
Mo:
Why?
Marcos:
Because you’ll spend all your time giving gifts to a girl you like, when all it
really takes is some acting talent. If you call being retarded talent
Mo:
Yeah, we offciailly just got sued eight times by people who were offended by
this last section.
Marcos:
But it probably might work. I admit I have never tried it. But in concept, it
probably should work… But it’s one of those things you would want to see in
exection, knowing in actuality that it would never work. Thus giving us a
perfect example of how things do work out conceptually, but not in exectution.
Mo:
Nice tie in. See, we are organized. Even thought we forgot about white Juan.
Marcos:
But then again everything works in concept. For example: My DMV punching
machine
Mo:
Your who in the what now?
Marcos:
See everyone goes into the DMV complainging about how long the lines are… “Why’s
the line so big” “Why is this line going no where’ “Are more people cutting in
front of me” “It seems like it’s getting longer” “They shouldn’ even call it a
line, they should call it standing still for a long period of time” “In
actually there is a sign in front of the DMV saying that the DMV is closed, but
theres a blind guy standing there not realizing that the sign says this, and
probably right behind the blind guy is a blond girl who could care less about
how long the line is, and is probably siging
a backstreet boy song… after all there Is only one person ahead of her
so she has nothing to worry about, but then again there is probably behind her
who listens to punk music who is thinking about how long the line is, but the
girl in front of him is more annoying and he want to punch her in the face, and
this it where you figure ‘hey might as
well jump off the line, there’s proably a blind guy up there’ so you step out
of the line, and look what happens, it moves a quarter of an inch, and you say “Damn,
the line just moved’ so you try to get back in line but you can’t, so you have
to go to the end of the line and then you realized the line you were in is ten
times bigged then before, just because you figured that the line wasn’t going
anywhere, and then your ealize that it’s only going to move a quarter of an
inch every two hours, so your better off at home eating popcorn watching
Antonio banderas… but no I have wait on line to fill out a completely
unnessacery paper that doesn’t mean anything so you wait online thinking “Why
is this line going no where’ “Are people cutting in front of me” “oh screw this
F-in system, I‘m going hom to watch some F-in Antnoin Banderas, and eating some
F-in popcorn. And then you realize OH wait, Zorro's over by now, and now I have
to watch Wild Wild west with will smith.. hey that’s not so bad…
Mo:…
Marcos:
Will Smith!
Mo:
That was the longest fucking diatribe you have ever spouted out…. And you’ve
now alienated the blind, the blond and punk rockers like me…
Marcos:
Well, the blind can’t read, unless this is in brail, and the blond just can’t
read. Unless you consider Teen People a graphic novel…
Mo:
What about the punks?
Marcos:
I never really made fun of them. I mean don’t all punks want to punch people in
the face if they are siging ‘Nsync..
Mo:
Yeah, you’re right.
Marcos:
So anyway, this whole entire problem couldnve been avoided with my simple
invention.
Mo:
What’s your invention?
Marcos:
It’s simple, stupid… It’s the DMV punching Machine
Mo:
What’s that?
Marcos:
It’s a machine that punches people at the DMV, hence why it’s called the DMV
punching machine
Mo:
Why would you need a machine that punches people? At the DMV?
Marcos:
Simple. When you walk through the door there’ll be a machine that immedietley
punches you in the gut, alleviateing the line problem.
Mo:
How so?
Marcos:
Well, after you get punched in the gut, everything seems meaning less, right?
Mo:
I guess…
Marcos:
You don’t believe me, I’ll punch you in the gut right now..
Mo:
Now, that’s alright, I got enough of those from Fiona.
Marcos:
And after you got punched were you concerned about how your photos came out…
Mo:
Not really…
Marcos:
See, there you go. After you get punched you’ll get online and you won’t be
concerned about how long the line is, just about how much that punch hurt. And
you’ll wait there until the pain goes away, and by time that goes away you’ll
have your meaningless paperwork, and you’ll be able to go home and watch your
Antonio Banderas, and eat your popcorn…
Mo:
Unless Zorro is over.
Marcos:
But you must admit it theoretically works. I mean, come on, If you got punched
in the gut would you care about how long the lines are?
Mo:
Probably not. I would probably hit machine back.
Marcos:
That will unleash another punch…
Mo:
Are these punches softened by boxing glovs
Marcos:
No. It’s just a cement block
Mo:
… That could kill someone you know
Marcos:
that’s why it only works theortically
Mo:
And what about short people. Does it accomidate?
Marcos:
They’ll get hit in the head
Mo:
With a concrete block?
Marcos:
Yeah.
Mo:
That would definitely kill them.
Marcos:
And if they can survive being short for so long they can probably survive being
hit in the head with some conrete. They’re resilient like that
Mo:
Another group goes down the drain. Hey, I’m short too!
Marcos:
You’re not a midget
Mo:
Now your just getting specific
Marcos:
Yes, but now back on the topic. It just works theoretically, like the computer.
When that guy came up with the idea, it was crazy. Now look at it.
Mo:
Yeah, everyone has a computer.
Marcos:
Exaclty. And even though you say hey Marcos, a cinderblock could kill somebody,
but you’ll see someday, every DMV will have this machine, and eveyrone will be
happier because they got hit in the stomach, and the midgets will say “Ow, my
teeth hurt”. After all it makes waiting online less gruesome
Mo:
That is uinless you are bleeding from the mouth. Or internally
Marcos:
It doesn’t make a difference. You won’t be concerned with the line anymore.
Mo:
You have a point.
Marcos:
But no matter how much this product would make sense, it still would only work
theoretically the ‘Mach 4’ would work…
Mo:
Ugh…
Marcos:
But only in concept. Like everything else
Mo:
John Pilkington only works in concept.
Marcos:
And you saw how wrong it went when it was executed
Mo:
Point taken.
Marcos:
The only question left is where do we go from here. We now know that nothing
works out in the end, even though it may seem like a good idea at the time. It’ll
probably get F-ed up at the end like in Chasing Amy.
Mo:
For those who haven’t seen CA, check it out. I’m not going to explain that one.
Marcos:
We are joined today by our good buddy Thomas Torre. Say hello tom
Tom:
Sup man bitches. People on the phone call me torez. They think I’m Spanish
Marcos:
I do.
Mo:
It’s going to be hard to remember who says what
Tom:
I’ll just say ‘They call me torez’ before I speak everytime
Mo:
Fair enough
Tom:
Damn straight. They call me torez,. Oh shit I said that after I spoke
Marcos:
If tom gets to do it I can do it too.
They call me Marcos.
Tom:
They call call me torez, damn straight.
Marcos:
Mo has left they call me Marcos,
Tom:
They call me Torez agrees. Mo gone.
Marcos:
I kinda feel like a super hero. They call me Marcos.
Tom:
They call me Torez. Yeah me too.
Marcos:
I say batman can do it too. They call me Marcos.
Tom:
They call me Torez. Why do super heroes always have a weakness? They aint so f’in
super then.
Marcos:Yeah
you’re probably right. If I was a super hero I wouldn’t have a weaknes. They
call me Marcos. And even if I did they’d call me Marcos, and I wouldn’t tell
them what it is. They call me marcos.
Tom:
If I had a weakness it would be having too big of a wang. They call me torez.
Marcos:
I know ill be scared by a giant wang. Call me marcos.
Tom:
Should be. They call me Torez. Its damn big.
Marcos:
Well you know what. I might as well tell everyone my weakness. So when IM in a
situation when people say hey who are you I can say “They call me marcos”.
Tom:
They call me Torez - So what is your weakness eh?
Marcos:
Anything that hurts.
Tom:
Don’t they call you marcos?
Marcos:
Yeah I guess so. They call me Marcos.
Tom:
Anything that hurts. That’s gotta suck. They call me Torez. What hurts?
Marcos:
Anything can hurt. Even a feather. They poke it in my eye. They call me marcos.
Tom:
What about poking you with my wang? Would that hurt me too cuz that’s my
weakness? They call me Torez.
Marcos:
I guess so. They call me Marcos. Any poking can hurt.
Tom:
What about boobie poking? They call me Torez.
Marcos:
That’s more enjoyable than painful. They call me Marcos.
Tom:
So its pleasure pain. They call me Torez.
Marcos:
I guess you’re right. Pleasure pain doesn’t hurt me. They call me Marcos.
Tom:
Im gonna forget what I call myself soon. They call me………
Marcos:
I think they call you Torez. They call me Marcos.
Tom:
Why am I torez again? They call me Torez? WHO!?
Marcos:
I dunno I guess that follows the point . They call me marcos.
Tom:
WHO!?!?! CALLS YOU MARCOS!?!?!? WHO ARE YOU?!?!?!?! WHO AM I!@?!?!?!??!?!
Marcos:
I cant answer all that..but I can answer one thing. They call me marcos.
Tom:
Well guess what - they call me marcos too.
Marcos:
Oh that’s other my secret weakness. They call me marcos.
Tom:
We cant let mo know about these secret weakness. He’ll use them against us.
They call me marcos..I think..or torez…I dunno who I am.
Marcos:
They call you marcos, cause so much pain. No pain. They call me marcos.
Tom:
PAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN! They call me Torez. HEY I REMEMBERED!
Marcos:
That’s why they call you Torez. I feel so relieved. They call me Marcos.
Tom:
What were we talking about?
Marcos: Something about two marcos existing at the same time. If I killed you
Id kill myself and that’s not possible. They call me Marcos.
Tom:
What happens if one you just died and you didn’t kill yourself. Would you die?
Marcos: Id be dead. And I cant call myself marcos anymore
Tom: Call yourself mo. They call me mo.
Marcos:
I cant do that now. You already took it. Okay I figured it out. They’ll call me
the guy formerly known as marcos, now known as Mo.
Tom:
Can I call you Marcy Mo for short? They call me Torez.
Marcos:
I like the ring of that. MARCY MO FOR SHORT!
Tom:
Oh yes. Sing it to me baby! Whats your theme song!?
Marcos:
That’s whats make me unique from every other super hero. I don’t have a theme
song. Criminals don’t know when im coming.
Tom: So basically you just sneak up behind them and beat the crap out of them?
Marcos:
Something like that. But afterwards, I have to mention you got beaten up by
Marcy Mo for short.
Tom:
That’s awesome!!!!!!! I wanna be beat up by Marcy Mo!!!
Marcos:
You will some day…you will
Tom: YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
Marcos:
So whats your theme song? Oh yeah Im marcy mo.
Tom:
Ummm….”Ohhhh..that man…with the huge wang…..oh so big! So BIG! SOOOOOO BIG!!”
That’s it I guess.
Marcos:
That scares me. Sounds like if you poke me with it - it might hurt. They call
me marcy mo.
Tom:
Yeah the criminals always run away when I sing it. Either its because my pants
are down or something else.
Marcos:
I would too if I saw it.
Tom:
Once u pop the fun don’t stop.
Marcos:
What happens if the fun don’t stop then it pops?
Tom: What happens if the top pops? Is it still fun? Or did it just stop?
Marcos:
I think it just stopped while having fun, because the top just popped. Im
confused. They called me marcy mo.
Tom:
Doesn’t the Pringles guy realize when he eats his chips he’s eating himself?
Marcos:I
don’t think he can actually eat. Hes just a giant head. Anything he eats goes
back into the container.
Tom: So you’re eating the Italian pringle guy shit?
Marcos:
But it takes sooooo good
Tom: How does he make hiis shit taste like so many different things? PIZZA?
ONION!!?? HOW!?!?!?
Marcos:
I guess it’s the type of the pringle guy eating it. BRAIN HURT!! MUST STOP
THINKING! SHIT TASTE GOOD!!!
Tom: That’s unforeseeable! THEY”RE CANT BE MORE THAN ONE PRINGLE GUY!!!!! ONLY
ONE! NO MORE! NO LESS! LIKE JEDI!! AND MASTER!!
Marcos:
Apparently the pringle guy is a jedi master. This is far fetched. He’s like a
pokemon. There a a lot of them running around.
Tom:
Pokemon?
Marcos:
There are at least 25 different type of pikachus.
Tom:
Yeah that’s fucked up. Every freaking pikachu is named pikachu. Why not call it
spark bolt? Or like Lighty Light Bulb Rat Boy.
Marcos:
I dunno - it doesn’t sound right. I think an animal like that should just be
called pikachu instead of lighty light
bulb rat boy.
Tom:
And what about bulbsaur? What do you call him? PLANT MAN!?!?!? I SHIT VINES OUT OF MY ASS!! EAT ME!!
Marcos:
Ill be scared of plant man if he said that.
Tom:
Me too….especially with those vines coming out of his ass. And then he sprays
us with sleep powder..THEN HE CAN STICK THOSE VINES IN OUR BUTTOCKS!!!! No one
says buttocks any more.
Marcos:
That’s pretty wrong . I said buttocks last night.
Tom:
HEY ME TOO!
Marcos:
Yeah I remember, I said Iw as gonna kick your buttocks. Then You said Im gonna
kick your buttocks. Then that’s when vines came out of my head and I smacked
your buttocks with it.
Tom:
Oh that’s why I don’t remember that. All thjat vine whippin against my
buttocks.
Marcos:
Yeah how’d we get into that conversation anyway?
Tom: I dunno - I just remember they call you Marcy Mo.
Marcos:
One second Im alking about the DMV punching machine then we’re talkionga bout
vines coming out of my ass. The people reading this are really confused right
now.
Tom: Im confused right now!!!
Marcos:
Don’t worry they call me Marcy Mo..
Tom:
Ah…that solves everything..thank you..
Marcos:
That’s why we need mo here.
Tom:
Where is mo anyway?
Marcos:
I dunno I think hes picking up his mother.
Tom:
That’s wrong you don’t pick up your mom - you pick up chicks that aren’t you
related to you. THIS AINT HICKVILLE!!
Marcos:
Oh wow. I never thought of it that way.
Tom:
You should…
Marcos:
I don’t see anything wrong with that. So it keeps the genes in the same family
while you pick em up from a train station.
Tom:
Scraping off the bottom of the gene pool.
Marcos:: Or scoop from the top
Tom:
Whichever you prefer. TOP OR BOTTOM!?!?
Marcos:
When I get the option I say both.
Tom:
I say sideways….
Marcos:
Hey you’re right - theres nothing like saying top bottom and sideways.
Tom:
Upside down too? While sideways? AND ON TOP!!
Marcos: AND ON BOTTOM!!
Tom:
Not possible…but imaginable..
Marcos:
Only works in concept but not in execution.
Tom:
Ow head hurts…too much thinking….
Marcos:
Must stop writing…
Tom: Brain….leaking..out…of ass…with vines….
Marcos:
That’s why we mus wait for mo..to finish pick up m other..
Tom:
HIM AND HIS INCEST!!!
Marcos:Wow
that was pretty good!
Tom:
I know J
laughter ensues
BREAK TIME!
Mo:
Jesus Christ. I leave you two alone for fifteen minutes, and you guys go
completely insane.
Marcos:
That’s what we do best.
Mo:
Okay, now for an actual topic of conversation
Marcos::
But wait, no. I think it’s time to pick up my own mother. If you know what I
mean. By picking her up at the train station
Tom:
Naked
Mo:
F-You guys! What should we talk about?
Marcos::
Well first of all, my mom won’t be naked. She’ll be wearing a bathing suit
Tom:
Two piece or one?
Marcos:
It’s really a two piece, but she’ll only be wearing one part of it
Mo:
Oh god
Tom:
J
Mo:
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT?
Marcos:
I would talk about the brothel thing but I’ll never stop talking about it.
Mo:
Yeah we’ll save that for the serious section of the book
Marcos:
What serious section of the book. They call me marcos
Tom:
Hey you’re the one with vines coming out of your butt
Marcos:
And I’ll kick your buttocks again, they call me marcos
Tom:
Okay, they call me Torez. I’m Spanish
Marcos:
What are you gonna do pull our your giant wang and hit me with it. I’m sure
that will hurt. Oh wait it will hurt
Tom:
Everything hurts you
Marcos:
You probably right, it will hurt. But hurry up we have to go pick up my mom. If
you know what I mean
Mo:
SHUT UP!!!!! JESUS CHRIST!!
Marcos:
Just remember if you run out of topics, look at the list
Tom:
You guys have a list
Mo:
Yeah…