Dawson’s Freak 2

 Rated U

Starring britney spears as joey

Scene ends—Joey has killed the cat. For a reason that we may never know.

Dawson’s mum, newscaster (she’s powder puffing her bosom when the director yells at her to get the fuck on with it): oh, right. Ok. So, yeah, Detective Witter is with me now. Detective, how do you feel (she begins to hike up her skirt) about the sudden, and tragic death of your son, Pacey?

D Witter: well if you ask me, he’s better off in hell!

DM—what?

DW—well, I’ve never really liked him you know. That whole hugging sequence at the end of series 2 was a cover up. He’s always been a problem. First it’s sleeping with teachers, now he’s killing people! I’ve always got my Doug. . .

DM—Ok, right. Coughs Thank you, detective. Anyway, he’s obviously in some kind of traumatic state. Anyway, back to the studio. Debra. Debra? DEBRAAAAAAAAA? Oh, damn. Apparently, we’ve got no other news. . .at all. What none? Ok, then. Well, the news’ll be back….um…sometime. ok, I’ll just sing a song. clears throat When, the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, etc.

AT SCHOOL

Henry – so then she ICED this cat!

Jack – for real man?

Henry – yeah! With her BARE hands! She like picked it up! And then STRANGLED it! Jack is in hysterics and then cut it’s head off!

Jen – Like! Henry!

Henry hits Jack

Jack – ow?!

Henry – how can you be so insensitive man?

He turns away in disguist

Joey enters sobbing

Joey – hi guys.

Her face is twitching, it seems she is trying to smile

Jen – hey Joey, I heard about the goober Pacey, I’m sorry!

Henry – how’s the cat? OOF!

Henry got kicked off his chair

Joey – Ah! My cat! I killed my cat!!!

She goes off crying again into the halls

Joey – ohmygosh! I can’t cope with the emotional distress anymore! This is too much! I mean! AAAGH!

The Principle speaks overhead

Attention all students! Please evacuate the school immediately! We have the police coming in half an hour!

Students squeal with delight, Joey wanders outside and bumps into Doug, she thinks its Pacey and screams, and then continues to attack him

Doug – hey! Hey what are you doing!

Joey – GET AWAY FROM ME BASTARD!

Cowering Doug tries to reason

Doug – Joey! It’s me, Deputy Dougy Boy!

Joey—Like, Dougy, what are you doing here?

Doug—Right, ah, yes, that. I’m here with the Police Force, to investigate . . . stuff.

Joey—Liar! You’re deliberately trying to emotionally traumatise me! Everything revolves around me! You must be! Agghhh! You’re trying to kill me aren’t you!?

He gets pissed off and whips out his pepper spray, which he decided to have instead of a gun, from his belt-he pepper sprays her

Joey—Like, see! I knew it! Trying to invade my personal aura of calm with your disgusting and quite frankly intruding horror-movie resembling crap, is like, very rude and I won’t have any more of it.

Doug has fallen asleep

Joey kicks him

Joey—Like, hey! I hadn’t finished yet!

Doug snores loudly Doug—Oh, yeah, sorry, Joe. Um. Oh, yeah, I’m here to tell you he raises an eyebrow there’s been another murder!!!!!!

Joey—Oh my Gosh! And, like, it wasn’t me? But, like, everything revolves around me! This is like another total way to emotionally traumatise me! I need to go and find myself, AGAIN! Like ARRRRRRGGGGGHH!

She runs off

Doug—Don’t you wanna know who it was?

Joey (from the distance)—Like, no, not really.

Doug—It was Jack McPhee. He had his spleen ripped out and then shoved down his throat! He choked on it! It happened five minutes ago! Oh, screw ya,

Jack’s funeral

Jen is bawling. So is Andie. Joey walks up to the grave.

Joey—Like, what’s going on?

Jen—Joey! Jack is dead!

Joey— rolls her eyes Yeah, I know all about that. Will you all, like, stop making such a big deal of it. Jeez.

Andie—Joey!

Joey—What? Cos, like, if you’re gay, then you’re not a Christian, and if you’re not a Christian then you can’t have a funeral in a church. And, like, goobers to you. And more importantly, if you’re gay, you can’t be one of the billions who fall in love with me. Like, that goober Dawson. And that’s not cool.

Andie—Joey! Stop being an idiot! Of course you can have a funeral if you’re gay!

Jen—Yeah, Joey. And besides, it’s me everyone wants to sleep with. I mean, I even managed to turn Jack around, y’know. And you know, I’ve like done it with Pacey, Dawson and Henry. Like, hah!

Grams – Jennifer! (she slaps her) You are at a funeral! We are under Gods watchful eye young lady!

Jen – sorry grams but its true

Grams – (ignoring Jen) Jack was a wonderful young man, and a great friend to Young Jennifer, The Lord shall overlook his abnormality and forgive him I’m sure. Let him rest in peace

Joey—Like, hello, this conversation that we’re holding does not seem to be about me! Does anyone else not notice this!

Priest – ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Yay, and unto the lord he shalt go, and…

Joey – hey, like, Mr Priest? Yeah, hi, um, did you know Jack was Gay?

The mourners gasp

Priest – err…aa’and unto the Lord his spirit shalt go mine child. The Lord can look this one over I’m sure

Andie bursts into tears again, Joey picks a dandelion and throws at Jacks coffin, then leaves

Joey – like, screw this, (cheerfully) Hey everyone! I’m off to get a soda! Do you wanna come?!

They stare blankly; Joey walks off in a huff

Joey – goobers…

As, she walks off, it gets dark suddenly, it’s about 8pm, and strange things begin to happen. Rain, suddenly starts pouring down, with various claps of thunder and lighting. You may want to note, that though the soda place is in the middle of the city, Joey has decided to walk through deserted woods. Bears are walking in front of her, and so are lions, and tigers, and a vampire bat attacks her neck.

Joey—What? Lions and tigers! Like, this is only North Carolina you know. And you vampire bat, I think you’ve got the wrong movie!

The vampire bat hovers. He speaks in a voice, which is like an English accent.

Vampire bat: Oh, yes, sorry about that. My production company is not very good. My bad. Sorry to disturb you. And that cut on your neck is quite nasty. Sorry, again. Oh, and by the way, there’s a man with an axe and a very dodgy hairdo standing behind you.

Joey—Like, what? ARRRRGGGHH! Like, what is with your hair? Oh my Gosh! Dawson! Oh, Dawson, take me in your arms! You can have my supposed virginity tonight!

The figure looks at her, and waves his axe.

Figure—Uh, Joey. I’m not Dawson. Anyway, I have an axe. What did you think it was, a big pointy dildo?

Joey—A what?

Figure—sighs If you were Andie or Jen you would understand.

Joey screams in. . . frustration—Like, why does everyone keep talking about those goobers! I’m, like the lead role! God. . .What am I supposed to do now? Oh, yeah. . .

Then, she runs off screaming in terror.

Figure mutters under his breath “See ya later.”

IN JOEY’S ROOM, SHE’S DREAMING.

The figure comes in. He comes at her with a big axe. . . and, cuts off her hair

Joey screams.

Joey—Oh my Gosh! You goober! My hair, no, anything but my hair! Look, you can have my sister and her baby if you just give me my hair back! You goober! she begins to sob You goober! You’re such a goober! I swear to God you’re a goober!

She wakes up, soaked in sweat

Joey—Ew, gross. I’m, like all sweaty. Oh my Gosh! My hair! She makes a grab for it Phew, it’s still there.

In the darkness her closet door creaks open, but you cant see inside

Joey – tiddles! Bad Ca….wait. Tiddles? I thought you were dead!

The closet is still open but you cant see anything inside it, Joey goes over and turns on the light. Her dead cat is swinging from the lights bulb, as she turned on the light she electrocuted it and it buzzes loudly, Joey is so taken aback by the buzzing she doesn’t actually go into the closet, and doesn’t realise her cat is in there

Joey – Shit!!!! Oh my Gosh! I have to find another bulb now.

Freaky music plays in the background, sort of like a woman singing with an echo and a few piano keys, that sort of thing. Joey searches for another bulb. She hasn’t realised that someone must of put the cat there. The camera shows Joey looking in a drawer and a figure steps out behind her

Joey – damnit…

The figure throws an axe at the chest of drawers she is looking in, it hits the wood making it crack, Joey screams

Joey – AH! Jesus!

Figure – guess who Potter?

Joey – Pacey? Dawson? Jen? Jack? Andie? Henry? I dunno you Goober

The figure reveals herself

Joey – Grams?!!!

Grams – that’s right Josephine! Me! The sweet little old lady that you children believed to trust! AhHAHhahHAHhahHAHhahHHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Joey – err…..ok. Where’s Dawson?

Grams pointing a new knife at her—What do you know about Dawson!

Joey – err. Well. He’s 16, he’s got really terrible hair, his favourite movie’s E.T…um…he’s a Goober

Grams – No you idiot!

Dawson materialises

Dawson – Hello…Joey

Joey – Dawson! Wow! That was cool! How do you do that?! Can you show me!

He sharpens a knife with his hair

Dawson – no more playing Potter!

He lunges at her, she screams and runs downstairs into the garden, which has a fence around it so she cant get out, Its raining and dark, Dawson follows

Dawson – Don’t you get it Potter! This is my show MINE! DAWSONS FREAK! I’M THE FREAK NOT YOU POTTER! I WILL ALWAYS BE THE FREAK!

Joey – like ok. But everyone knows I’m cuter than you Dawson

Dawson – I am here to avenge my love Pacey’s Death! That YOU caused!

Joey – like, you love Pacey? Gross! But, wait, OH I GET IT NOW! That’s why you were so pissed off when you thought we were doing it! Oh, geez, thanks! God, I was really confused!

Dawson – No one messes with my Pacey! I killed Jack because he wanted Pacey too but never admitted it! I couldn’t have that! Face it Joey, Who ISNT in love with Pacey on this show?

Joey – you have a point. But, wait, hang on! You weren’t in love with me! Which means I wasn’t the centre of attention. ARRRRRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHh!!!!

she lunges at Dawson, puddles are forming on the concrete floor outside. Dawson falls into a puddle, Joey grabs his knife which had fallen out of his hands and points it at him. Then she grabs both of his hands

Joey – I’ll never let go Dawson!

Dawson – err, Joey

Joey – I’ll never let go!

She bursts into tears

Dawson - …ok. Joey. I’m sitting in a puddle, I’m not drowning

Joey dramatically lets go of Dawson

Joey – Goodbye Dawson! I’ll never let go!

Dawson sits there looking at her, then Joey throws the knife through the air, it flies past him slashing his jugular, Blood spurts out everywhere, he eventually keels over and dies, Andie appears

Joey – how come everyone can appear out of no-where except me! I wanna do it too!

Andie – Joey!? Oh my God! Are you ok!

She walks towards joey but stops

Joey – Andie?

Andie looks pale. She falls over on her front revealing a dagger in her back. Grams is standing behind her

Joey – Andie!!! Oh my gosh! Grams call an ambulance quick!

Grams – I wouldn’t come any closer if I were you Josephine

Joey – what? Like, no. like. Err……… ok.

Grams – a child such as yourself is definitely going to hell!

Joey – what are you talking about?

Grams – ALL the children in this town have Lucifer planted in their souls! HOW was I going to teach Jennifer good ways if all these demonic friends surround her?!

Joey – but what about Henry and stuff?

Grams – Henry? Pah, HENRY is Jewish! Why should I bother! I told him Jennifer had genital warts so he soon got out of my way

Joey – Henry’s Jewish? Ohmygosh, wow where have I been!?

Grams – well I don’t know where you’ve been, but where your going is hell! AAAGH!

She makes a grab for Joey, and succeeds, She holds her by the hair and plays with a knife

Grams – Any last words Josephine?

Joey – Your, Such, a GOOBER!

Grams stabs Joey aiming for the heart, Joey squirms and Grams misses Stabbing her stomach instead, Joey screams but manages to get free, she clutches something around her neck

Joey – Like, Praised be the Lord! And Stuff!

Joey reveals it is a very sharp crucifix, she stabs Grams in the heart with it, then kicks her over onto the floor, Grams splutters something biblical, then vanishes like a vampire in Buffy the vampire slayer

Joey (weakly) – Damnit, why can’t I do that

She collapses on the floor

Jen walks into the garden

Jen – aw Hell, now I’ve got No-one to screw! Damnit!

Joey has several tubes up her nose/mouth/ass ect Jen is sitting beside her sulking

Jen – so there’s no one left? Nothing with a Penis at all?

Joey (weakly) – well, there is Doug, but, if you ask me, he’s a Goober

Jen – hmm, well its something to think about I guess, ooh, how about that doctor, quick, Joey pretend to be dead

Joey – what?

Jen punches her in the stomach, Joey splutters

Jen – Hey! My friend is dying! Hey cute doctor get your ass over here!

Joey (coughing) – Jen you’re a goober! Cough

The doctor comes over, he looks like a normal doctor to Jen but to Joey he looks like Pacey

Joey – Pacey! You came back! I knew you would!

Doctor – yes yes ma’am just lie back everything’s fine

The doctor leans over to give Joey an injection, while he is doing this Jen checks out his ass, she pinches it and then grabs his balls from behind

Doctor – AH! Hey!

Joey snores, she is asleep

Jen – common Doc, just a quickie?

Doctor – well it IS my lunch break, common I’ll show you my office!

Joey Potter – Britney Spears

Jennifer Lindley – “Elaine” in “Ally McBeal”

Grams – same as in “Dawson’s Creek”

Dawson Leery – Leonardo DiCaprio

Gail Leery – Barbara Streisand

Pacey Witter– Freddie Prinze Jr

Doug Witter – David Arquette

Mr Witter – Bruce Willis

Doctor – Al Green

Detective – George Clooney

Jack McPhee – Ryan Philippe

Andie McPhee – Sarah Michelle Gellar

Principle – John Cheese

“Dawson’s Freak 2—Dawson’s Wrath” was written by Emma Godber and Alex Davy

The characters and story line in this film are not based on real people and any similarities are completely coincidence. No harm was meant to anyone by the production of this film.

äÓGRAEVI DAVE PRODUCTIONS 2000

All rights reserved

Note: The writers would like to inform you that violence, such as the type used in this screenplay, is very naughty, and would advise little kiddies from practising it at home.