Chapter 6

Week 26

It is Christmas day and I am two weeks post op tomorrow. Overall, things seem to be going pretty well, but it is a process. I am wearing the soft collar all day and it doesn’t bother me at all. However, last week, on the seventh day  post-op, I was feeling pretty good and decided to go to the grocery store for a pretty big order as we had nothing in the house and the kids had come home from college. At the checkout stand, I suddenly felt sweaty, dizzy, and like I might keel over. Had to go out and sit in the car and call my son to come and get the groceries and to escort me home. The next day, I slept for several hours into the late morning.

  I went out driving again a few times in the past few days to finish up some Christmas shopping and did fine, although I use my whole body to turn around to back out of a parking space, for example. My energy is pretty good if I rest off and on during the day. I am sleeping fine. However, I still have intermittent soreness on the right side in the muscles between my neck and my shoulder. Today, I had some pain behind my left ear and at the back of my right shoulder and down my arm, but Tylenol has taken care of it.

  My mood is somewhat blue, so I decided to start on a low dose of Celexa, prescribed and recommended by the psychiatrist whom I will see again in early January. I wouldn’t say I am depressed, but I think the meds will help me feel a little more buoyant, not preoccupied with every little pain and less focused on myself. I find that I  startle easily and can feel a bit overwhelmed with too much noise, light, or activity. I am not sure that this is the right medication, particularly because I need to start walking and exercising a little bit. Mostly, I feel like sitting in a recliner…which is probably the right thing to be doing right now anyway.

  We have decided to fly to Tucson for some sun, rest, and relaxation with the kids and my husband’s parents. I am looking forward to the distraction. I must remember that this is a long, slow recovery. I am very glad that I had my architecture repaired, but it is likely that my spine problems could have several causes. Next task is to start the weight loss process, improve posture, and do some strength training.

  Week 28

There have been highs and lows over the last two weeks. We spent 5 days in Tucson and, for the most part, I did  really well. The weather was wonderful and the whole family was in good spirits. I managed to participate in all activities—from going out to lunch and dinner to visiting with cousins to doing a little shopping and sightseeing by car. I even felt good enough to  swim a little bit in the pool, walk for a half hour a nd then to do a mile-long nature trail to birdwatch with my mother-in-law. But I began to have some lower back pain and sciatica, perhaps because of the increased activity and a different mattress. So I took Vicodan and Zanaflex, a muscle relaxer, a few times during the trip.

  On the first day home, I did quite a bit of laundry, some sweeping, and mopped one floor. It has been downhill for two days. My lower back muscles are very, very sore, my right shoulder blade is tight with a bit of pain, and I am very uncomfortable lying down. The nighttime tremors are back and I have been tearful off and on. Yesterday, I was so fatigued that I went back to bed for a few hours. Last night I only slept for about two hours, tossing and turning with lower back pain. It almost feels like I have the flu, but not quite. Some mild nausea and dizziness, which I think might be from the chronic pain in my lower back.

  In my worst moments, I am worried that something is wrong with the fusion—that I have dislodged the bone graft or that my body is rejecting it. This terrifies me. I am also wondering whether I am having some tolerance/withdrawal symptoms, having been benzo-free for only 5 weeks. Has the muscle relaxer, which acts on the central nervous system, thrown my recovering brain back into withdrawal? The last few days have been hour-to-hour, just like when I began to taper down on the Ativan. I lay in bed sobbing this morning, sad that our sons are leaving to return to college today. It has been wonderful to have them and their friends around for the past few weeks. I am feeling completely overwhelmed, defeated, and scared. But this gets me nowhere and I feel better if I am up and moving around. So I decided to take an Ultram—a new prescription pain medication that is somewhere between Tylenol and Vicodan but is not a narcotic. We helped get my younger son packed to return to college in Colorado , I took a short nap upright in a chair, and now feel like I can make it through the day.

I am reading William Least-Heat Moon’s Prairyerth. Armchair travel and a good distraction. It is a wonderful book full of compassion and curiosity for the people of Chase County, Kansas, and the place they call home. “The philosophy that got us into trouble is not the philosophy that will get us out of trouble”, the author muses in a passage about soil erosion, energy conservation, and the wasting away of the prairie. It is clear to me that I have a long way to go yet in my recovery. The life script that keeps me pushing, reaching, and defying limits is toxic to me now. I need a significant shift in life philosophy. I am not sure how. I am at a crossroads.

  Week 29

Yesterday was my one-month post-op anniversary. Not a terrific week, I’m afraid. Visited the surgeon who removed my bandages. The incision is healing nicely. He was not terribly attentive to my complaints of soreness in the back of my right shoulder. He said that some pain is normal and that it is either part of the recovery process or was part of the surgery itself. Great. I had enough pain and anxiety on that day that I needed my mother-in-law to take me to two MD appointments and a meeting in the morning.

  I have made two purchases that I hope will help with rehabilitation. My right shoulder is often sore in the morning and I frequently have mild shoulder spasms. Is our mattress the culprit? We have a Select-Comfort bed coming next week and I hope that the firmness will help support my  spine better. Also, my shrink, who has some problems with fibromyalgia, recommended a Thera-Cane, a long, hard plastic hook on a handle. The end of the hook applies pressure to points in the neck that may be contributing to spasm activity. I have worked with this diligently for a couple of days…and of course have some soreness as a result.

For the first time this morning, I tried some exercises. Mostly stretching and some mild work with weights. I am so out of shape and can feel the atrophy in my muscles all over my body. But, as a result, I am sore and slightly nauseous. The pain in the back of my right shoulder has subsided, but moved to become soreness on the right side of my upper spine. If I remove the collar, it seems to lessen. Perhaps my scalene muscles are tight and alerting the muscles in my upper back.

  For some reason, I am not feeling terribly blue or hopeless. I believe this is part of the healing process. Nerves take a long, long time to heal. I believe my posture is completely out of alignment, with the S-curve in my back. This will take a long time to correct, if this is possible. Wearing the collar all day certainly doesn’t help with the overall picture because my head is leaning forward onto the collar.

  I am better when I am not focused on my discomfort. For example, at meetings I am not aware of the pain. At night, in bed with the warmth of my heated mattress pad hugging me, I am usually relaxed. I am able to work at home, although sometimes I don’t have the energy to concentrate for very long. I am still taking some Ultram  for pain—once or twice a day. This seems to help. One step at a time.

  Week 30

Much better all the way around. I am feeling almost back to my normal old self. I have good energy during the day, sleeping well at night, and able to look forward to the future. I even laughed out loud a few times this week! And I don’t look at every person on television with jealousy that they have more energy and are in better health than I am. I think the Celexa is helping.

  I still have some mild discomfort at the back of my right shoulder, but it is hardly noticeable. I also feel some muscle tension across both shoulders and in my upper back which is worse when I wear the collar. I have started to leave it off for a few hours during the day. I devote one hour a day to stretching and mild hand weight activity and use the thera-cane for a half hour twice a day, discovering some interesting sore places that clearly indicate that there are several factors yet to address in my back. If the shoulder discomfort continues past 6 months, then I will think about going back to the orthopedist for a consultation.

  The cane pressure releases tightness across the top of both shoulders that relax  somewhat after working on them for 5 minutes or so. There was also a very sore and tender place on my thoracic spine at about T4-5. I think the MRI also showed some problems there. The muscles running down the thoracic spine on both sides and out towards under the shoulder blades also are tender and sore. Finally, at both shoulder blades and behind and below my right shoulder cap is a very tender, painful spot. Are these nerves or inflamed tissue or ligaments that are inflamed because of the contractions in my muscles over a long period of time?

I continue to observe my posture, trying to sit straight over my spine and to keep my shoulders relaxed. There are two very tight ligaments on either side of my neck running into my shoulders. The cane bumps over these. The whole architecture of my upper back, neck, and shoulders seems slightly “off”. But I am hopeful that I can heal up and attend to these problems.

  At night, if I am restless, my lower back and right shoulder get very sore. This morning I had a lot of achy spine stiffness that is relieved as soon as I am out of bed. Our Select Comfort bed arrives in two days. I do so much better on a firm surface that doesn’t allow my spine to twist and sag. I am really looking forward to this change because our current bed is soft and I keep rolling towards my husband  in the center of the bed. Finally, weight loss. I must lose about 20 pounds. This is a major challenge. But if I can start power walking again in a few months, I think it is doable.

Table of Contents     Next Chapter