The Spice Girls on Fort Boyard

 

 

The Spice Girls may think they have Girl Power, but they are human(?) like the rest of us. A 4-letter word beginning with F may be their weakness. Fear. Is the bold feminism merely an act, and they are actually scared stiff of many things? Or can they really take on things that many of us are terrified of? Here they will enter Room 101 (a.k.a. Fort Boyard) and we will find out!

 

If you are not familiar with Fort Boyard, here is a brief summary of the show. Alternatively, visit Fort Boyard UK for pictures of the games and characters, and especially visit Key Games and Clue Games.

 

Fort Boyard is a TV game show similar to "the Crystal Maze", but with more black humour: the emphasis is on physical fitness, and above all, facing one's fears. It is filmed in a real Napoleonic fort, off the coast of France. (The show was in fact originally French.) The contestants have to complete various challenges. To start with, these require a lot of physical strength or dexterity. In the latter part of the show, the games are Room 101-style ordeals, designed to scare the players to death! The contestants’ ultimate goal is to steal the fort’s gold (and presumably give it to charity).

 

The show is hosted by Melinda Messenger, a very blonde walking Barbie Doll (whose manner is not unlike Barbie in Toy Story 2!), her job is to be the team’s benefactor, to tell the players they’re doing well even if they’re not, and possibly to distract male players/viewers with her hair and revealing outfits.

 

The other presenter, (well... perhaps presenter is the wrong word), is the stroppy Boyard (Leslie Grantham), a “nasty piece of work” who owns the fort, and supposedly invents the gruelling ordeals which the contestants have to go through. He enjoys watching the contestants suffer, and he always says discouraging things.

 

There is also an old Professor, and various other assistants, who will be introduced as we meet them.

 

I think the real TV show is great, but needs a bit more excitement, which I have added here, in the shape of the Spice Girls! There have been celebrity editions, but none quite like this. Now that the introductions are over, we can begin!

 

 

“Five brainless pop girlies think they’re going to steal my gold,” Boyard announced from his dark lair. “Well, by the time I’m finished with them, they won’t be singing, they’ll be screaming.” Does everyone have days this bad?

 

A helicopter landed at Fort Boyard, and Melinda Messenger came out, followed by the five Spice Girls. For once in their career, they were all dressed the same: they were in identical Fort Boyard regulation "sporty" outfits, and all wearing white socks and trainers.

 

"Boyard! We've got girl power and we're going to get your gold!" shouted the Girls in unison, prompted by Melinda.

 

"Well, come and try it then," replied Boyard, looking especially grumpy in his black leather waistcoat. “Come on, Spice Girls! Take me on if you really, really want! La Bouille, the gong!”

 

One of Boyard’s dwarf assistants struck a large gong hanging from the wall of the fort, indicating that the game had now started.

 

“Fort Boyard’s gold is guarded by tigers,” Melinda announced to the TV viewers. “To win some, the team must first unlock the treasure room door. This requires four keys, which are obtained by succeeding at Boyard’s challenges, or by answering correctly the riddles set by the Professor he keeps locked in the watch tower. But getting the keys is only the beginning.”

 

Boyard looked on as the Girls and Melinda rushed up to meet him, all with large smiles (except Victoria, who rarely smiles, especially when she’s forced to wear white socks). Boyard looked the new contestants over disapprovingly.

 

"No boys on the team today, then?" he said in a voice that showed he wasn't impressed.

 

"We represent GIRL POWER, you know," said Mel B, gnashing her teeth.

 

"Really? Well, we'll soon see who's got real power round here," said Boyard, in his attempt at a menacing voice. "Now remember, if you're still inside a cell when the time runs out, La Bouille will take you away and lock you up in my prison, and he gets a lot of pleasure from locking people up, especially pathetic damsels like you."

 

"Yeah, yeah," muttered Victoria under her breath.

 

“Actually I fancy you, Boyard,” said Geri naughtily.

 

“They all say that, Gerry," he said, pronouncing it with a hard G (as Stephen Fry does in Spiceworld the Movie).

 

"It's Geri, actually!" said Geri indignantly, now having second thoughts about her new heart-throb.

 

"Whatever. Now you're not claustrophobic, are you?"

 

"I am a bit," Geri confessed.

 

"Well that's a pity, because in there, you're going to have to crawl about in a very small space," said Boyard, indicating a door beside him. "Jacques, the door," he said over his shoulder to one of his dwarf assistants.

 

"Good luck, Geri!" said Melinda, the other Girls concurring.

 

"Your time starts now," declared Boyard, turning over a liquid hourglass.

 

Geri entered the room to see a large transparent tube, about three feet wide, spiralling up to the ceiling.

 

"OK Geri, you're going to have to crawl up that tube, and get the key at the top," called Melinda.

 

Geri looked a bit hesitant at first, but she quickly got on her hands and knees and set about the task, pulling herself up the tube. However at the top, she hesitated, before starting to crawl backwards.

 

"You're going to have to speed up Geri, time's running out!"

 

"I can't crawl backwards!" shouted Geri.

 

"Come on, quick!" shouted Melinda and the other girls, but too late. The hourglass emptied while Geri was still well and truly inside.

 

There were cries of "Oh no!" from the Girls and Melinda.

 

"Oh bad luck, Geri!" called Melinda. "You're going to be locked up, but we'll see you later!"

 

"It would have to happen to Patty Pickle," muttered Geri, as she was escorted off by La Bouille to be imprisoned.

 

 

The Girls and Melinda ran to the centre of the fort, where Boyard was waiting for them.

 

"Oh dear, have we got a prisoner already?" he said, glancing at Geri who was now safely locked up in a cage on the other side of the fort. "Well, that's what happens to anyone who contradicts me," he said. "It looks like she got a bit stuck in that tube."

 

"You bastard!!" screamed Geri. “I fancied you!” Boyard smirked a little.

 

"Emma," he said, "now we’ll see if blondes have any brains at all, I know that one certainly doesn’t,” he said, indicating Melinda, who pouted.

 

“So, I'm sending you to the watch tower, to see the old professor,” he continued. “He'll set you a riddle: if you get it right, you get the key. If you get it wrong, it goes in the sea, and you," he pointed at Mel C, "are going to have to swim for it."

 

Boyard skulked off, while Emma was led up to the watch tower by Denis. Meanwhile, Melinda went to have a "quiet word" with Geri.

 

"Geri, we all know Boyard is a bastard," said Melinda, "but don't tell him that. He likes aggravating people, you're only giving him satisfaction."

 

"I know!" said Geri, "but he was implying I'm fat."

 

Melinda glanced at Geri's body, but made no comment. "Just remember, Geri," she continued, "this is only the beginning. You'll have a real ordeal later, and if you're not careful he'll make you do something really nasty."

 

"Can you let me out of here? I really am claustrophobic," said Geri, looking uneasy in her rather cramped cage.

 

"I really wish I could, but it's against the rules," said Melinda kindly. "You'll just have to languish there."

 

“I thought you were supposed to be nice to us!” shouted Geri, as Melinda returned to the other Girls.

 

“So, Girls, are you feeling afraid?” she asked them.

 

“Afraid of what, of Boyard?” said Mel B scornfully.

 

“Oh don’t worry about him,” said Melinda. “He never really grew up. But you’re not afraid of what he might to do you later?”

 

“Who cares?” shouted Mel B. “I’ve always wanted to be on this show!”

 

“You know what they say about fear,” said Mel C. “The only cure is to cut off the head.”

 

“Don’t let Boyard hear that!” said Melinda frantically. “He’d be only too happy to oblige.”

 

“He wouldn’t dare,” said Victoria darkly.

 

“Emma’s in that tower, getting us that key,” Melinda said hopefully, “but just in case she doesn’t, Mel C, you’ll have to swim out and get it, so you’d better go and get your swimming cozzie on.”

 

Mel C skipped off. Meanwhile Emma reached the top of the spiral staircase in the professor’s watch tower.

 

"Bonjour! Bonjour!" said the professor, an eccentric and slightly affable old man. "How nice to meet you. You're Baby Spice, aren't you?"

 

"I am," said Emma, slightly breathless from climbing.

 

"But the funny thing is, Melinda looks younger than you!"

 

Emma looked shocked: the professor quickly apologised.

 

"Oh excuse me, I always say the wrong thing. Now, let's get down to business. You've come for this, haven't you?" He held up the key, attached to a float.

 

"That's right," said Emma.

 

"I wish you luck," said the professor. "Now, your riddle: it sticks pretty close to its owner... and it's typically thought of as male. It's usually sporting a collar, but it's never seen wagging its tail. What is it?"

 

Emma looked blank.

 

"Denis, the timer," said the professor, as Denis started a sand timer. The professor repeated the riddle, while Emma guessed various words, but to no avail.

 

"Oh, no!" said the professor as the time ran out. "The word was... shirt."

 

"But a shirt is not male!" shouted Emma indignantly.

 

"You know what happens now," said the professor, moving to the window.

 

"Oh please give it to me!" begged Emma. "Pretty please!" She started weeping like a crocodile.

 

"I'm sorry my dear, but I can't," said the kindly man.

 

Emma lost her nerve and tried to snatch the key, but she was just too late. The professor had already thrown it out of the window, and it was even now bobbing in the sea.

 

"Down you go," said the professor, as Emma left in defeat. "And don't cry, we don't want there to be a pool of tears... that would be curiouser and curiouser..."

 

"Did you get it?" asked Melinda earnestly, as Emma approached.

 

Emma didn't say a word, but showed her empty hands.

 

"Oh! Never mind. Mel's going to rescue it."

 

They all raced down to the edge of the fort, watching while Mel made a running jump into the sea, not even stopping to remove her shoes (why don't the contestants usually remove their shoes for this part?) Being Sporty Spice, a quick swim in the open sea was nothing new for her.

 

 

"Right! On to the next challenge," said Melinda, slipping effortlessly into her earnest Rugby coach role. She and the contestants raced to meet Boyard, who was standing by the door to another room.

 

“Oh dear, Emma, so much for Girl Power,” said Boyard. “Can you do anything at all?”

 

“Of course I can,” said Emma huffily.

 

"Vicky and Mel B," said Boyard, moving on.

 

"My name is not Vicky!" shouted Victoria.

 

"Well it really ought to be," said Boyard, "because you'll soon be Sticky Vicky. And you will also be using a stick in there."

 

Victoria opened her mouth indignantly, but stopped after a sign from Melinda.

 

"Jacques, the door," said Boyard, beginning his usual mantra. "Your time... starts... now!"

 

Mel B and Vicky went into the room, which had wooden boxes attached to a high ceiling.

 

"OK, Victoria, get on Mel's shoulders!" called Melinda.

 

Victoria looked disgusted, but did as she was told.

 

"And grab that stick!" ordered our blonde host.

 

Victoria grabbed a stick hanging from one of the boxes.

 

"OK, you'll have to knock the latches on those boxes, the key is in one of them!"

 

Victoria struggled to reach the boxes, even on Mel's shoulders. She managed to knock the first one open, and something green and sticky fell on her.

 

"Oh, great!" she cursed, but carried on opening more boxes, as she and Mel got even messier from increasingly nasty ingredients being dumped on them. However, the key did fall from one box, and they left the room much dirtier than when they went in.

 

"I don't feel very posh now," muttered Victoria. "Why on earth did we decide to go on this show? I hate wearing white socks!"

 

 

By now, the Spice Girls could see that this was not going to be an easy ride to success, or possibly making themselves even more of a global laughing stock. Nevertheless, they were determined to press on, so they made their way to the next challenge, for more sarcasm from Boyard.

 

"Emma, get your shoes and socks off, now," ordered the stroppy one.

 

"Go on, Em!" said Mel B, as Emma started divesting herself of her footwear.

 

"So the old prof made you weep, did he?" Boyard went on. "Well, if that nice guy made you cry, the person you're about to meet is going to have you sobbing your little heart out."

 

Emma ignored this and finished removing her socks, wondering what was about to happen next.

 

"Oh my, you've got a lot of artwork on those toenails of yours," said Boyard, staring at Emma's now bare but very colourful feet. "Well, like you, it's probably going to get all messed up in there. Jacques, the door... your time starts now."

 

Emma entered the room, and shrieked as she found herself knee deep in soft mud. The key was hanging from the ceiling, but blocking it was a butch woman who proceeded to mud-wrestle Emma.

 

"OK, try and get past her, and get that key!" shouted Melinda.

 

Emma was a bit hesitant at first, but soon got into the swing of the wrestling, and eventually managed to grab the key and escape from the room, but not without getting caked in mud!

 

"OK, that's great!" said Melinda. "We've got three keys, only one more to go. So come on, let's go and get it!"

 

They all raced off, while Geri eyed them from her prison.

 

 

"You're all doing a little bit too well for my liking," muttered Boyard, while the Girls wondered who would be next to do some dirty work. "So I think I'm going to have to make things a little trickier for you all."

 

Victoria, Mel B and Emma were still all rather dirty from the games they had been playing. Boyard looked at them and cackled.

 

"I've heard that you're the sort of people everyone likes to have around at parties," he said. "Well you three look like you've been to the wrong party, judging by the mess you're all in."

 

The three dirty ones decided not to say anything this time.

 

"Do you think you are mad?" asked Boyard, addressing nobody in particular.

 

The Girls looked at each other.

 

"Well, I think you are all as mad as March Hares to try and take my gold, and so one of you is going to end up in my padded cell," he said, his eyes travelling from one girl to the next.

 

"And you, Mel C, are going in. Jacques, the door."

 

Mel C looked unphased as she was escorted into the room.

 

"Your time starts now."

 

Mel C entered the room, and saw that some of the walls were padded. Following instructions from Melinda, she began throwing herself at one panel of the padded wall, to operate a mechanism to release the key. Despite bruising herself a little after doing this several times, she succeeded and raced out with the key, to the delight of everyone outside.

 

"Right! Well done everybody. We've got four keys, let's get down to the treasure room!" squealed Melinda in delight. She and the girls ran down to the treasure room, where three tigers were raging.

 

"Come on, you lot, I've seen snails run quicker than you!" shouted Boyard, as the Girls made their way to the treasure room door. Three tigers inside roared at the Girls, and Mel B roared back.

 

"Well how many keys have we got, then?" he said.

 

"Four!" shouted all the girls at once.

 

"Well, I'm glad you can count, if you can't do anything else. Get them in the locks, then."

 

The Girls reached up to put them in the locks. They all looked at Boyard and smiled.

 

Boyard looked rather smug now. "I'm been lenient with you so far, but now I'm going to put Girl Power to the ultimate test," he growled.

 

“I could of course feed you to the tigers, make it that much quicker,” he continued, “but I don’t want to give my beloved creatures indigestion.”

 

“Don’t you take any stick from him, Girls!” said Melinda.

 

Boyard spoke again, more to himself than to anybody else. "According to the Top of the Pops magazine," he mused, "Baby Spice doesn't like creepy crawlies, Ginger Spice doesn't like the dark, and Scary Spice is scared... of snakes. Oh dear!"

 

 

"The treasure room door is now unlocked," Boyard announced to the Spice Girls and his invisible audience of TV viewers, "but it will not open until the gong sounds. By then, you will need to know the password. Each time you successfully complete one of my ordeals, you get a clue. The password is the one word which can be used before or after each of the clue words, to create a new word or familiar expression. The password must be spelt out correctly to release the gold, but you will only have a maximum of two minutes before the door closes again, and the tigers are released."

 

"The first clue is up in the watch tower with the Professor," said Melinda. "Victoria, go and get it!"

 

They all watched as Victoria was led off.

 

"How are you, Geri?" asked Melinda, as Geri had now been released for the second part of the game. "You were all right, stuck in that cage?"

 

 

Meanwhile, Victoria reached the top of the stairs leading to the watchtower.

 

"Hello... hello... welcome to my tower," the Professor greeted Victoria. "How lovely to see you, not many posh people come up here."

 

Victoria grimaced, she wasn't sure whether to be offended or not by this remark.

 

“I wish I wasn’t wearing white socks,” she said, seriously annoyed with this by now.

 

“Well, I’m not wearing any socks at all,” said the Professor, causing Victoria to grimace in disgust.

 

"Now," said the intellectual one, rearranging his books and spectacles. "I have here, three teeny-weeny riddles, each with the same one-word answer, and that answer becomes your first clue word. Are you ready?"

 

"I am," said Victoria. "Professor," she added.

 

"It is always female, but does not exactly give birth," was the first riddle.

 

"Girl?" guessed Victoria, then giggled as she realised her mistake.

 

"Its counterpart is sometimes a stag," the Professor went on.

 

Victoria looked baffled.

 

"Many of its kind have died from losing their heads," was the final riddle.

 

"Queens? Contestants on Fort Boyard?" guessed Victoria desperately.

 

"Jules, start the timer," said the Professor to the dwarf assistant. He started repeating the riddles.

 

"Spiders? Criminals?" Victoria started saying every word that came into her head, while the Professor made frantic gestures, as in a game of charades.

 

"Oh... no!" exclaimed the Professor, as another defeated Spice Girl stood before him. "I can't tell you the answer now."

 

"Can't you make an exception for ME?" demanded Victoria haughtily.

 

"Why should I?" asked the Professor, his manner firm all of a sudden.

 

"Because I'm far too posh to be fobbed off," said Victoria.

 

"That would be just too easy, Vicky," said the Professor, grinning a little.

 

"Oi, you!" Victoria shouted. "Don't you dare call me Vicky." She turned on her heel and stalked off down the stairs.

 

 

"Did you get it?" asked our blonde presenter.

 

"No I did not, and I've never been so insulted in my life!!" snapped Victoria.

 

Melinda looked nonplussed. "Most people like the Professor, even if they lose," she thought to herself. "But he's upset two of the contestants today. This is a record!"

 

They made their way to Boyard, who was now looking very pleased with himself.

 

"Now this is where your ordeals really begin!" he said. "Now in there, are some little friends of mine, and one of them is hiding your clue word." He paused, as if choosing which Spice Girl to victimise next. "Mel C," he said eventually.

 

"Yes?"

 

"What's four plus four?"

 

Mel C pondered, wondering if this was a trick question. "Eight," she replied.

 

"Well, that's the number of legs on each of my friends in there."

 

Mel C shuddered: she was not a great lover of anything with more than four legs.

 

"And, Emma," said the evil one, "you are going in!" He cackled, as the colour started to drain from Emma's face, she was seriously arachnophobic.

 

"Well what are you hanging around for?!" shouted Boyard, before skulking off.

 

"Are you all right, Emma?" asked Melinda, seeing that Emma was now very pale indeed.

 

"Yes of course I am," gibbered Emma. "I'm not giving him satisfaction!!" she declared suddenly, even though she was already absolutely terrified.

 

"Brave girl!" said Melinda, pushing Emma into the room, in case Emma changed her mind. "Get us that clue!"

 

Emma entered a room full of cobwebs. The room contained what looked like a large crate, about six feet long and four feet high.

 

"Emma, get into that cabin, through the door on the other side!" called Melinda.

 

Emma opened the door and looked into the cabin: the walls and the ceiling were covered in netting, to which large black tarantulas were clinging. Emma hesitated.

 

"Emma, get right in!"

 

Emma didn't move. It wouldn't have been so bad if the room wasn't so tiny, but it was not even high enough to stand up in.

 

"Come on! You can do it!" called Mel B.

 

"All right!!" said Emma. She braced herself and crawled in.

 

"Emma, pick them up gently, and see if there's a bit of paper on one!" called Melinda.

 

Emma reached for the nearest spider, but her hand was shaking so much she dropped the hairy beast as soon as she had got hold of it. A bit of paper was revealed: Emma took it and started to unravel it, with difficulty because she was trembling so much.

 

"Oh look at her, she's really got the shivers!" giggled Geri.

 

Emma finally unscrewed the paper, but there was nothing on it.

 

"Try another," commanded Melinda.

 

Emma investigated a few more spiders, but in vain. She was now desperate.

 

“Please let me out! I can’t do this!”

 

“But Emma, you’re doing so well! Don’t give up!”

 

“I want my mummy!”

 

“Pretend they’re your mummy,” said Geri naughtily, but was silenced by a slap from Melinda, who had seen this game done many times before and knew that it was no laughing matter.

 

“Emma, open the box, try the box!" she called.

 

Emma glanced down at a wooden box to her left. She lifted the lid... and screamed long and loud. The box contained live scorpions, as if big spiders weren't enough!

 

"Oh mummy! I'll get stung!" cried Emma.

 

"No you won't! Just be gentle!" said Melinda.

 

"She's gonna need serious therapy after this," said Mel C quietly.

 

Emma tentatively started reaching into the box.

 

"That's the spirit, go Emma!" shouted everybody.

 

Emma flung a scorpion out of the box and on to the floor, and promptly stamped on it! The others burst out laughing.

 

"Emma, be careful!" said Melinda, although she couldn't stop herself giggling.

 

Emma pulled another scrap of paper out of the doomed scorpion's claw, but again it was blank.

 

"You don't have to kill them!" said Melinda.

 

Emma didn’t listen, but ground two more scorpions to a sticky mess with her foot. She was lucky the third time: the last piece of paper had a word on it.

 

"OK! Out you come!"

 

Emma lost no time getting out! She crawled out of the cabin, nearly putting her knee on a dead scorpion. She raced out of the room, as if a thousand scorpions were after her! She ran straight into Melinda's arms.

 

"Oh, just look at you, you brave girl!" Melinda laughed, as she comforted a very shaky Emma.

 

"That must have been the longest three minutes of your life, Em," said Mel C.

 

"Boyard is a nasty piece of work, isn't he?" said Melinda. "But anyway, you got us the clue! Let's have a look at it."

 

Emma showed everyone the piece of paper: the word was "work".

 

"Good work, Emma!" said Melinda. "Let's move on."

 

 

 "Oh, that was an ordeal, wasn't it? Poor little baby!" said you know who, in a sarcastic baby voice. “You coward, murdering living creatures much smaller than yourself.”

 

Emma turned her back on Boyard.

 

"But she got us the clue!" said Melinda indignantly.

 

"For the next ordeal, you'll need that," said Boyard, throwing a helmet in Geri's direction.

 

Geri picked it up, wondering how she was going to suffer.

 

"And you lot will need that," said Boyard, pointing to a map.

 

"Now Geri, you won't see any spiders in there, you'll be pleased to know," said Boyard. "But, you won't see anything else, either, cause it's a little bit dark in there. In fact, totally dark."

 

To Geri, this didn't sound particularly scary, but she thought there might be a catch somewhere.

 

"So put the helmet on," said Boyard. "I've even given you a piece of string to follow, aren't I nice?"

 

"Oh, don't listen to him," said Melinda. "Now, in you go Geri, and follow that string."

 

Geri disappeared into the entrance to a dark labyrinth, with her fingers around a piece of string hanging from the wall. Everybody else looked up at a TV monitor, which was showing Geri's movements, seen through an infra-red camera.

 

"OK everybody, you've got to guide Geri, she can't see a thing in there," said Melinda.

 

"Where am I going?" called Geri, stumbling forwards. She yelped as a rope hanging from the ceiling touched her face. To her, everything was indeed pitch black, like walking blindfold.

 

"Keep following that string, Geri!" called out Mel B, taking it upon herself to give the orders.

 

Geri went on, tripping over objects which were strewn about in her path.

 

"She's got her eyes wide open, I find it hard to imagine that she can't see," said Victoria.

 

"We should have sent you in instead, then!" said Melinda.

 

"Help me! I've lost the string!" called Geri, who was now feeling about frantically.

 

"Move your right hand up!" called Mel B, eventually managing to get Geri moving again. "Now you should come to a barrel."

 

Geri did indeed come to a barrel, and crawled through it, following Mel B's instructions.

 

Geri picked her way through the spooky labyrinth, through a pit full of balls, a small pool of water, giving a little cry every time something unexpected happened. Finally the camera showed her coming up against a railing, with a small hole near the floor.

 

"Get through that hole!" ordered Mel B.

 

"What hole?" asked Geri, feeling about blindly. “This is scary,” she said to herself.

 

"You've got your hand just above it!"

 

Geri eventually found the hole and squeezed through, even though it was not a very big hole to get through. Finally she came into a lighted room, where a topless man holding a flaming torch was standing.

 

"OK, you've got to study his body, there's a word on it!" called Melinda.

 

Geri frantically scanned the man's chest and back, while the others giggled a little. It was not easy for her because the man had a lot of tattoos all over him, but she eventually found the word, "Keeper". She then made a quick exit from the room, back into the daylight of the fort.

 

"I'm not normally afraid of the dark, but it's a lot scarier in there than you think," said Geri, as she emerged. "I couldn't see a thing, I didn't know when something was going to touch me!"

 

 

The next ordeal was low down in the fort. Boyard was standing near a trap door.

 

"Now you see, it's not as easy as you thought it was going to be, is it?" he said, enjoying his position as a Spice Girl torturer.

 

"Emma," said Boyard, "I should send you to the prison for ever, as you murdered three of my closest friends in cold blood."

 

"I'll do the same to you, you scoundrel!" she said defiantly.

 

"Ah, but then you wouldn't be able to get my gold without my help," he snarled. "But you'll be pleased to know, I won't send you in to the next ordeal, because I don't want you killing any more of my friends."

 

He turned to Mel C. "Sporty, what's four minus four?"

 

This time Mel was sure it was trick question. "Zero," she said cautiously.

 

"Well, again, that's the number of legs on each of my friends down there," he said. He reached down and opened the trap door in front of him: everyone peered down, into a pit full of snakes!

 

"Now, on two of these snakes, you will find half of a word. So, Mel C..."

 

Mel C looked at him innocently.

 

"...I want you to go away, and prepare yourself for the next ordeal."

 

Mel C looked somewhat relieved as she was escorted away.

 

"And Mel B, down you go," said Boyard.

 

"Come on Mel, remember, you're Scary Spice," Melinda encouraged her.

 

"Yeah, but I can't say I've picked up snakes every day!" Mel B snorted as she climbed a rope ladder down into the pit.

 

Mel looked around: all she could see were snakes, wrapped round ropes, on the floor, on shelves...

 

"Where do I start?" she asked helplessly, seizing a snake by the neck, which hissed loudly.

 

"Hey Mel, don’t be rough!" shouted Melinda. "You can't get away with killing them this time, so treat them with respect, and they won't attack you."

 

"Ugh!" Mel exclaimed as she unravelled a rather long snake, but there was no writing on it.

 

"Mel, try that cupboard!"

 

"What cupboard?"

 

"To your right, pull that rope handle on the wall!"

 

Mel pulled the rope handle: a door slid down, revealing a cupboard absolutely full of small snakes.

 

"Oh that's just great! Thank you kindly, Melinda!" Mel snarled, amidst giggles from the other Spices.

 

"Look on the big snake!" called Melinda.

 

Mel reached in, and snatched the biggest snake.

 

"Be gentle, for God's sake!" called Melinda, starting to get a bit panicky herself. "Now slowly unravel him, you're doing so well."

 

"No I'm not, I haven't found anything yet!" shouted Melanie. "Come on, darling," she said in a softer voice to the snake. This time she did discover something: a scrap of paper with the letters "HO".

 

"OK, that's great, you need one more!"

 

Mel carried on glancing around, trying more snakes, until she looked into an upright barrel in front of her.

 

"Oh, there's a real biggie in there," she said, starting to reach in.

 

"OK, go for it!"

 

Mel suddenly withdrew her hand. "Ow! That brute nearly bit me." she exclaimed. "Bad snake!"

 

The snake must have heard her: it reared up with its head poised, as if to strike. This time Mel was rather unsettled, and she could only stare at the snake, which stared back.

 

“Grab it, it’s more alarmed than you are!” called Melinda.

 

"Don't snakes ever blink?" Mel B mused, unnerved by the snake’s steady gaze.

 

"Come on Mel, time's running out!" shouted Melinda, but it was too late. The lights went out, signifying that Mel's time was up.

 

"OK, get out!" called Melinda.

 

Mel B emerged, looking annoyed that she had been defeated by a few slimy reptiles.

 

"Oh well, we got half the word anyway," said Melinda. "Let's go and join Mel C, at the next ordeal."

 

 

“Don’t hang around, Vicky,” said Boyard, as the Girls approached. “Get lost and prepare yourself for the next ordeal!”

 

As a cursing Victoria was led away, the others now gazed up at Mel C, who was securely harnessed to a frame, high up on the outer wall of the fort. She was in a horizontal position in mid-air, facing downwards. The Girls and Melinda arrived and gaped at her predicament. Boyard was smirking.

 

"You all right up there, Mel?" called Boyard, as if he really cared.

 

"Yeah!"

 

"Well, you won't be soon. Your clue word is in that box," he said, indicating a locked box near the ground. "The key is between you and the box."

 

The key was hanging on a chain, halfway between Mel and the box.

 

"Now, to get it, you're going to have to lower yourself down, and the only way you can do that is by getting very dizzy indeed. So get on with it!" He marched off.

 

"Mel, pull that lever in front of you!" called Melinda.

 

Mel tentatively pulled the lever on her harness: instantly she round herself spinning around, so that one moment she was facing up, the next down, while slowly moving downwards.

 

"Oh my God, I'm going to throw up..." giggled Mel, stopping half way down.

 

"Keep going Mel, you're doing so well," assured Melinda, in her natural way of trying to make people feel better in desperate situations.

 

Mel carried on "winding" herself down, actually starting to enjoy the view of everything spinning beneath her...

 

"Mel, stop!" shouted Melinda. "Don't go too far, or you might miss the key!"

 

Mel released the lever: she had stopped just below the key, and had to reach uncomfortably to get it, but she managed and threw it down to the Girls below.

 

Mel B opened the box: the clue word was "fly".

 

“That’s great!” said Melinda. “We’ve got the words work, keeper and fly. Have you any ideas as to what the password is?”

 

The Girls started talking all at once.

 

“Right, talk as we go! We’ve got to move on!” And off they ran.

 

 

The Girls (minus Victoria) and Melinda made their way to the door of a room on the first floor of the fort.

 

“Victoria’s in there now with Boyard,” said Melinda. There was a chalk board hanging on the door: Melinda turned it round to reveal the following words written on it: GIRL, GOOSE, GUEST, GAME, GAUZE, GOAL.

 

“She’s going to shout out five of these words,” explained Melinda. “The word that’s left is our clue word. So wish her luck... this ordeal really gives me the creeps, I don’t know about her!”

 

Inside the room, Victoria was enclosed in a nasty-looking machine, with only her head visible, sticking up through a hole in a conveyor belt. Boyard was standing next to her.

 

“Do you have any pets, Victoria?” he asked.

 

“No,” she said.

 

“Well, you’re going to meet some of mine,” he said nastily. “Your head is going to pass through five boxes. In each box, are some of my pets, and a word. When you see the word, shout it out to your friends. Sometimes though, and possibly at the best of times in your case, it’s best to keep your mouth shut. Get a move on.”

 

Victoria’s head started moving forwards, into a small transparent box, which contained the first of Boyard’s diverse pets: live toads!

 

“Can you see a word, Victoria?” asked Melinda.

 

Victoria quickly moved out of the box. “GOOSE!” she shouted out.

 

“Well done, Vicky!” called Melinda, then gulped as she realised what she’d called her. Geri crossed the word “Goose” off the board.

 

Next, Victoria’s head entered a box containing locusts.

 

“There’s some sand in the corner, you need to blow it away!” called Melinda.

 

Victoria started blowing to uncover the hidden word, while the locusts flew all over her face.

 

“GAME!” she shouted after leaving the box.

 

“Is she afraid of anything?” Melinda asked the other Girls. “She might not like what’s next.”

 

The next box contained a few rats, which were scuttling about, minding their own business. A string was hanging from the top of the box.

 

“Victoria, pull that string with your mouth!”

 

Victoria did so... and a large number of maggots suddenly tumbled from the top of the box, just in front of Victoria’s face.

 

“Boyard!!!” she shouted out.

 

“That’s not on the list,” giggled Geri, putting her foot in it again.

 

Victoria glanced upwards, then quickly moved out of the box, leaving the rats and maggots behind. “GOAL!” she shouted.

 

Victoria hesitated somewhat before entering the next box, seeing what was inside it.

 

“Do you really want me to do this?” she shouted out.

 

“You can do it, you’re doing so well!” called Melinda.

 

“But... but...”

 

 “Come on! Remember GIRL POWER!” shouted Mel B.

 

“You failed with the snakes, though!” said Emma.

 

“Girls, we haven’t got time to argue!” cut in Melinda. “Victoria, go for it!” she shouted.

 

Victoria went for it: into a chamber containing giant cockroaches.

 

“You have to drink the liquid, Victoria!”

 

Victoria started sucking brown liquid from a straw on her right. Unfortunately the straw led to a container with a few more cockroaches in it! A word was eventually revealed: Victoria moved on.

 

“GAUZE!!!”

 

“Well done, Victoria!” called Melinda. “Now you haven’t got much time, be really quick!”

 

The last chamber contained literally hundreds of flies, making any amount of noise. Victoria braced herself and entered: the word she was looking for was on a ball in the chamber.

 

“GIRL!!!” she shouted out on leaving the chamber.

 

“Power!” added Geri.

 

“Well done!!!!” called out Melinda, amidst cheering from the other Girls.

 

“So, our clue is Guest,” said Melinda. “Now, we’ve got to get down to the treasure room. The clues are Work, Keeper, Fly, Guest. Think of what that password could be!”

 

They all raced off, leaving behind a rather shattered Victoria.

 

“Never ever again, as long as I live,” she said to herself.

 

 

The Girls and Melinda arrived outside the treasure room, just as the door was opening.

 

“Come on!!” growled Boyard, as the girls approached. “If you want my gold, you’ll have to be quicker than that!”

 

“So,” said Melinda quickly, “the clues are work, keeper, fly, and guest. What do you think the password is?”

 

“HOUSE!!” said all the girls at once.

 

“Are you sure about that?” said Melinda.

 

“Yes!”

 

“Are you confident?”

 

“YES!!”

 

“Is that your final answer?”

 

The Girls burst out laughing.

 

“Oh come on, this isn’t Who Wants to be a Millionaire!” shouted Boyard. “I thought you were supposed to help these idiots, not make it even harder for their small brains.”

 

"Right, get yourselves into position, one for each letter of the password!" ordered Melinda, ignoring Boyard.

 

The Girls went into the treasure room, and stood on various lettered tiles on the floor to spell out the password.

 

"Make sure you spell it correctly!" said Melinda.

 

“If you can,” muttered Boyard.

 

“What’s the word?” called out Melinda.

 

“HOUSE!!!!!!!” shouted the Girls, as if they hadn’t done so already.

 

"Are they right, Boyard?" Melinda asked the master tentatively.

 

"Right? If I'm defeated by so-called girl power, my name's not Boyard!!" said he. "Monique, the tiger's head, if you please..."

 

His female assistant, the tamer of the tigers, rotated a tiger's head on a pillar. There was the clanking of mechanism in a large cage in the middle of the treasure room, while the Girls waited anxiously to see if they had won...

 

 

And the gold started tumbling! The Girls raced to the cage in the treasure room, trying to pick up as much of the gold as they could, and running to dump it in a pot outside, urged on by Melinda.

 

“Get as much as you can, Girls!”

 

The Girls carried on racing to and fro, until a bell rang and the portcullis-like door to the treasure room began to lower.

 

“Right, the door’s closing! Get what you can and come out,” called Melinda.

 

The girls sensibly raced for the exit, except Geri, who stayed where she was, waving her arms in glee.

 

“Geri, come on, you don’t want to get locked in there!” shouted Melinda.

 

“Who cares? Girl Power has triumphed! We are invincible!!” screamed Geri, somewhat overcome with the success, and stayed where she was, while the gap between the closing door and the floor grew ever smaller.

 

“Geri! You’ll get eaten by the tigers!”

 

Boyard smiled for the first time in his life. “Stay there, Geri,” he cackled. “Tigers are fast becoming an endangered species, they deserve a treat!”

 

“Geri, girl power can’t save you from the tigers!” shouted Mel C, trying to make Geri change her mind.

 

Melinda now decided to take matters into her own hands. Although she was not normally allowed to take part in the contestants’ actions, she knew that Boyard was not going to save Geri! She squeezed under the treasure room door (with some difficulty), and ran towards Geri.

 

“Geri, get on top of the cage!” she ordered.

 

The treasure room door was now fast shut, so there was no escape for Geri and Melinda, who had now climbed atop the cage, the only place they could hope to hide from the tigers.

 

“Ha ha ha ha!!” cackled Boyard. “At last, a satisfactory ending to one of these shows! Monique, release the tigers if you please!”

 

Boyard looked triumphantly at the four remaining Girls, who were now somewhat anxious, as they waited for Melinda and Geri to be eaten alive.

 

“I never did like that Melinda Messenger,” Boyard smirked. “I always wanted to set the tigers on her, and now we’ll see who is invincible!!”

 

“Don’t you need some professional help, Boyard?” asked Mel C innocently, quoting one of Melinda’s favourite lines.

 

“I think you’ll need more than professional help to save your loved ones!” came the bitter reply.

 

For once, the Girls were silenced. Emma looked as if she was going to cry.

 

“Oh, Emma,” said Boyard, pretending to be full of sympathy. “As you’re so upset, here’s a little consolation: one extra gold coin, in addition to your ill-gotten winnings.”

 

He put it into Emma’s hand, but this didn’t make Emma much happier.

 

“There’s no pleasing some people, is there?” grunted Boyard, for once getting the last word.

 

 

Now we know the true reason Geri left the Spice Girls!!!

 

Were Geri and Melinda eaten by tigers? Was Monique so obedient that she sent them to their doom? Would Channel 5’s insurance budget have covered “manslaughter of Spice Girl by tiger attack”? Only you can decide!

 

Meanwhile, here are the explanations as promised:

 

The riddle:

It is always female, but does not exactly give birth;

Its counterpart is sometimes a stag;

Many of its kind have died from losing their heads.

 

Answer: HEN

 

The password was HOUSE. The clues were:

WORK, as in “housework” or “workhouse”;

KEEPER, as in “housekeeper”;

FLY, as in “house fly”;

GUEST, as in “guest house”;

HEN, as in “hen house”.

 

The word from the snakes would have been HOLD, as in “household”.