I climbed out of my black Civic and leaned on the
doorframe. The building in front of me
seemed to be hiding in the only visible shadow on an otherwise perfect
day. “Fuck. Here I go,” I sighed in my defeatist way, and locked my car,
ready for my first of many days in the Reuben Center for Substance Abuse.
I
walked in confidently, holding my head high, like I was the ‘normal’ one
there. The woman at the front desk
frowned and held out a clipboard.
“Visitor sign-in,” she said, then handed me a pen. My confident smile dropped, and I leaned in
closer. “No, I’m a patient. I’m checking myself in.” The woman smirked and took the clipboard
back, replacing it with another one marked “Patients.” I took it and filled in my name and the time
I’d arrived. Insurance and other
complex things had been figured out last week when I’d met the doctor the first
time.
After I was done, the woman told me to
get anything I’d brought with me, such as clothing, toiletries and such (they
wouldn’t provide them), and to follow her.
I went back to my car and grabbed my large suitcase and “oh-so-cool”
purple Caboodles Kit (remember those?) then walked into the patient hall with
the desk nurse. My room was second from
last on the left, and it was a little… well, stark. “Dinner is at seven every night.
I’ll have to ask you to bring a change of clothes when you go to the
showers; as you know this is a co-ed facility.
We do not approve of immodesty around here,” the lady said as a man
walked out of his room. I smiled
devilishly. “What about modest
immorality?” I asked, and her face tightened.
“Dinner is at seven!” she declared, then turned away and left me in the
hall.
The man who’d come
out of his room finally turned around to face me. My first rehab pal, I thought glumly as he did so. I recognized him the second he faced
me. “AJ McLean?” I asked in a
whisper. Oops, whisper! I hadn’t meant to say it out loud and
slapped a hand to my mouth. He just
lifted one corner of his mouth in a half-hearted effort to smile. “You just get here today too?” he asked, and
from the sound of his voice I knew he’d been crying recently. I nodded and looked down the hall at the
quickly retreating nurse. “Bundle of
Joy if ever there was one,” he said, remarking about the nurse. I smiled, my nerves calming a bit, and I
looked at him. “What are you in for,
Mr. Pop?” I asked. AJ rubbed his chin
and smiled. “Depression, Anxiety
disorder, and alcoholism,” he replied, a sadness coming into his voice. “Oh is that all?” I teased. He frowned a little. “What’s your story?” he asked me, and I
leaned back against the wall. “A little
bit of alcohol, a lot of drugs. I
thought they’d get me places, and all they got me was here,” I said, and
smiled. A brief silence passed, and I
looked down at the floor. “So, um, you
planning on going to dinner?” he asked, and I looked up. “Nah.
I figured I’d starve.” AJ
quirked an eyebrow. “I’m kidding!” I
said, and laughed. AJ nodded and asked
me if I’d like to walk down there with him.
“I don’t know anyone here.
You’re the first person I’ve talked to, and I’ve been here for two
days.” I smiled a compassionate smile
and shrugged. “Yeah. Just meet me out here in thirty minutes,
ok?” He smiled, nodded, then opened his
door and disappeared again.
Thirty
minutes of frenzied make-up re-applying and pants smoothing later, I walked out
of my door to find… nothing. No
AJ. “That’s fine, it’s only 6:50,” I
said, and sat against the wall to wait for him. The hard linoleum hurt my butt, and I winced. “What I wouldn’t give for a joint and a
really long trip. Maybe an indefinite
one,” I sighed, and settled myself for the wait.
I
didn’t start to get upset until 7:10.
Enough time spent on the floor, I picked myself up and dusted off my
butt. “AJ!” I called into his
door. No answer. I tried again, but no one replied. Then I got mad, as I tend to do. I grabbed the handle to his door and yanked
the door open. I wish I hadn’t. There on the floor was AJ, a picture in one
hand and a small bottle of Jack Daniels’ in the other. His face was smeared with tears, and he
looked beaten… “I thought they were
supposed to take all that stuff away,” I whispered, scaring him. His face twisted in pain, and his eyes
leaked tears again. “I can’t do this!”
he sniffed, and put his picture on his forehead. I shut the door and sat down next to him. “Ok,” I said. “Ok. Here’s my plan. We both know it’s going to be harder than
Hell to shed these problems, so we need to start small. Let’s have tonight be our last night with
alcohol. Let’s go out with a
bang.” AJ lifted his head and wiped his
eyes. “Good idea. I just need this tonight. I’ll start tomorrow,” he said, and put the
picture down before standing up to get me a glass.
I
looked at his picture and recognized a few people. “Hey, at least you get visitors, right?” I asked. He turned around with the glasses and
sighed. “My mom’s coming this
weekend.” I smiled and pointed to the
other people in the picture. “What
about your band mates? Or your friends? Girlfriend?” I asked, and put the picture on
his bed. He handed me my glass and
poured us a drink. “I don’t know about
the other guys. Maybe Nick will
come. Amanda though… we broke up a few
weeks ago. I got so bad I wouldn’t see
her even when she came up somewhere to meet me. I guess Kevin said it best when he said I was like a
vampire.” I frowned. “You obviously don’t watch too much
MTV.” I rolled my eyes. “Oh please.
I saw that interview. I was jus
surprised you agree with him. He seemed
too… stoic?” I asked, and he smiled.
“That’s Kevin. Mr. Stoic. I think that’s actually the new philosophy
he’s studying. Stoicism.”
“So
what’s the worst thing you did while drunk?” I asked him, and he smiled, the
booze starting to affect him. “Oh, let’s
see. Actually, the worst thing I did,
the most dangerous, was drive back to our hotel when we were in Atlanta. Other than that, the most embarrassing thing
I did was… um. Well, I let a girl suck
me off in the back of a club. That was
so stupid.” I smiled and poured a
little more JD in my glass. “It’s not
so bad… at least you didn’t fuck her, and at least it didn’t get around the
news rooms.” AJ shrugged. “Yeah, at
least.” We had a few more drinks and by
that time were completely wasted when the nurse came by to see why AJ hadn’t
been at dinner.
As
soon as he heard the knob turning, AJ threw the JD in a duffle bag on his
bed. I jumped onto the bed and tried to
sit up straight. “AJ, why weren’t--”
she stopped and looked at me hard.
“Elle? Why are you in here?” she
asked me. I smiled and tried hard not
to slur when I answered her. “AJ and I
wanted to talk, so we didn’t go to dinner.
We ate some saltines of mine, if you were worried about us going
hungry.” The nurse, Mrs. Ward (how
appropriate?), just ‘humph’-ed, so I assumed she didn’t care whether we ate or
not. “Once again, young lady, this is a
morally upstanding center. I want you
in your room by ten thirty, and I’ll be back here then to make sure you’re
there. AJ,” she said, turning to him,
“You should know better.” And with that
she walked out of the room.
“Fuck
you too, you old bitch,” he said to her back, and flopped onto the bed next to
me. “Oh God, what I wouldn’t give for a
handgun and a flamethrower. This place
would be up in smoke in three minutes or less,” he said dreamily, scratching
his stomach. I smiled. “You know, I was wishing I had a joint
earlier,” I said, and lay on my back next to him. “I wish I had the biggest weed roll you can imagine. I think I’m to the point now that I’d just
eat the grass and burn the paper for fun.”
AJ laughed and stretched his arms out.
“You know, once she finds you all safe and sound in your room, you can
wait until eleven and come back in if you want.” I took his invitation.
“So,
was tonight a good end to our alcohol problem?” I asked, getting tired. AJ yawned and nodded. “Oh yeah.
I laughed, I cried… I didn’t get any, but how often has that happened in
the last few months?” I looked at him
with a questioning smirk. “Wow. Man, if alcohol screwed up my sex life I’d
be happy to give it up.” “You don’t
have a sex life. You’re like… 18,” he
laughed, and rolled toward me. I closed
my eyes and opened my mouth slightly.
“Oh no. No you did not just say
that!” I cried. AJ frowned and lifted
his head. “How old are you, then?” he
asked. “I’m twenty-one, you asshole!” I
laughed, and moved my arm to hit his shoulder.
His head just got in the way.
“Ow, Jesus!” he shrieked, and sat up.
The
swelling went down by the time I had to leave.
No really, it did. “I’m really
sorry!” I said, trying not to laugh at his red, teary eye. “Whatever,” he muttered, and opened the door
for me. I walked forward and put a hand
on his shoulder. “I’ll come back
in. Don’t fall asleep on me, ok?” I asked,
and he nodded, wiping at his eye. I
grabbed his chin to hold his head still and looked at my handiwork. “We’re gonna have a little explaining to do
tomorrow with that,” I said, and lightly touched his temple. He winced.
“Yeah, we are,” he said, then looked at his watch. “Ten thirty. Get in there,” he coaxed, and I let his face go. “Remember, no sleeping!” I whispered loudly
as I went through my door. I could tell
already… AJ McLean and I were going to be in it together for the long haul.