I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother.... Whew, finally
after
50 years I got that off my chest! All is well! Right?
Nah...don't
think so...it is going to take a lot more than that to make things
okay.
I have been reading My Mama's Waltz by Eleanor Agnew and
Sharon Robideaux and I am thankful that I did. It is about
daughters with alcoholic mothers and how it can affect our lives.
Not only while we are growing up, but even after we have
daughters of our own. Of course, it has taken me only 2 1/2
years to get up the courage to read this book. But believe
me,
that is a drop in the bucket compared to the number of years I
have spent trying to understand it and what it means.
My mother and I haven't spoken for over 12 years and most of
the time I think that is a blessing. Many of the things she
said to
me still hurt and will probably hurt for the rest of my life.
The
marks from her fists have faded, but the marks and bruises on
my heart will be here forever.
I have spent years beating myself up, somehow blaming myself
for the fact that my mother didn't love me. Well, it had to
be
my fault! What mother doesn't love her child? I have
also
spent years letting others beat me up. Not always with their
fists but also with their words. Today, I am finally saying
"Stop!"
Recently my daughter asked me if when my mother died would
I be sad. I had to answer truthfully. I told her No.
For in my
heart, my mother passed on years ago and it is time I put my
grief aside and began to live! If not for myself than for
my children.
As I began to read this book, I began to understand Me better.
And do you know that I suddenly realized after all these years,
that is where I need to focus. To heck with understanding
her
and why she did what she did. The time has come for me to
let her go, put her aside and to work on me. My life growing
up revolved around my mother, her drinking, her mood swings,
her inability to cope with the most mundane day to day duties.
I had to take care of her and my two younger brothers. After
all, there was no one else.
The time has come now for me to take care of me, for I am
the most important one and should have been all along! Even
though I do not drink, I still carry around so many of the traits
of my alcoholic mother. After all, she was my role model.
I
couldn't help it. It was not my fault! Without even
being aware,
I have passed these behaviors on to my own daughters. That
needs to end now! To stop! I need to finally love myself
enough
to take care of me and to ensure these behaviors do not continue.
That they go no further.
As I gaze into my mirror day after day, I see more and more
of her in my face. But that's okay.... Today I began to push
that image and the behaviors I learned at her side out of my
head and my heart forever.
Yes, I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother, but today I
know I am okay!
Cheri Lee Funk
© 2000 - 2002
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Cheri lives in Southport, NC where she is still trying to figure
out what she wants to be when she grows up. She enjoys the\
ocean and producing a group of online e-zines called HeartTalk.
Email her at [email protected] or visit
http://www.angelfire.com/nc3/HeartTalk/