Emerging Courageous online Magazine - Stories
A Life Well Loved by Jaye Lewis
I know the pattern of the wallpaper. I know the color of the rug.
I've sat against the baseboard, and I've cried my eyes out, believing
that life just wasn't worth living. I have felt the fear of hopelessness,
and I have felt the loss of faith, in God, my family, and myself. My life
came crashing down, and within 24 hours, I found myself inside a psychiatric
ward, staring out at the world through unbreakable, reinforced glass.
I can remember clearly that my life was in control -- I was sure of it -- until
the very last straw. When I felt the weight of that last insignificant
event, I just splintered into a million pieces. I hit bottom.
This joyous season is the time of the year that often defeats the lonely and
the lost. While the rest of the world is celebrating, they are going
through the motions, with a sense of hopelessness that literally saps every
ounce of their strength.
I've been there. I've sat staring at a bottle of pills, trying to come up
with a list of reasons not to swallow the whole bottle. It didn't help
that I had a loving husband or that I had adolescent children who needed me.
It didn't even help that I came from a strong faith; that I had loved or dreamed
or prayed. I was now living in a valley of shadows. That was nearly
15 years ago.
I had choices. I could give up, or I could begin again. I chose to
begin. It did not matter that the light at the end of the tunnel appeared
to be an oncoming train. It was a light, and I chose to follow. A
sense of humor helped. Trust me, there is a lot to laugh about on the
inside of a psychiatric ward.
The end of the year doesn't have to be the end of your life. There are so
many people especially at this time of the year, who believe that they have no
future, and I want you to know that you do. As Billy Crystal would say,
“Life is a do-over.” I promise you that it really is.
I'm not talking about a change of diet or fashion. I'm talking about a
change of heart. Start over. If you feel that life has taken
everything away, GIVE. Take the focus off yourself, and focus on
someone who is in need. There are soup kitchens, food pantries, and
orphanages where everything you do will make a difference in someone else's
life.
Start where you are, but don't stop there. I began to understand the joy
of unconditional love in a psychiatric ward. A young woman who had
been battered by life and disease was about to give up. She had
never had a birthday party, so, in secret, with the help of my husband and
children, we threw her one. The best part was in remaining anonymous!
Beginning with very small steps, I began to grow and to heal.
At this time of the year, if life seems unlivable, get professional counseling.
See a priest or minister or rabbi. Don't give up. As we used to say
in the psychiatric ward, “the worst time to attempt suicide, is when you're
depressed!” No matter what hurts, don't do it. Don't take the
pills. Don't do anything that will end your life, and don't ever believe
that your life is not worth living. It is!
I have been through that dark valley. Since then, I have seen the sun rise
thousands of times. I have watched the rainbows paint a hundred skies.
I have seen my children grow up and become responsible, loving women. I am
growing old with the love of my life!
I am not beautiful. I am not slim. I am not young. But I still
find each day a gift, and I thank God for the ability to see, to feel, to touch,
to smell, and to love. You see, a life well loved is the greatest life of
all.
Jaye Lewis
Write Jaye and let her know your thoughts on her story! [email protected]
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Jaye Lewis is a Christian writer and poet , who is
happily married to the love of her life, and the mother of three grown
daughters. She also shares her life with a menagerie of pets, including her
"tweenie" dachshund Happy Dog. Jaye lives and writes in the
beautiful Southern Appalachian Mountains of southwestern Virginia
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