Emerging Courageous Online Magazine - Stories
A
confession
I
am watching her grow…she is just like me. She has inherited my nature. And
being her Mother has made me realize what I felt and experienced when I was
growing up.
My
earliest memory is that of crying real loud for I wanted the same Barbie doll as
my friend in school. You were trying to convince me that you would buy it
“later” . but I wanted it “just now” and I meant it. You knew what scene
I would create if my demands weren’t fulfilled. I was like a little
“terrorist” always making unreasonable demands and used my emotions very
well to get them fulfilled. Actually, I took you and your love for me, for
granted. My thinking was that You are my Mom and I thought it was your duty to
give-in to all my wishes. You were expected to love me and only me. You were
mine...just mine. You were also the sweetest, mother. What I admire the most
about you and something that is forever a part of my memory is the fact that no
matter how bad I behaved, you never shouted at me or raised your hand on me.
Instead you always tried and explained to me. Your parenting involved love...love
and only love. Every rudeness of mine was greeted with a smile and every foolish
step was greeted by your wisdom. You always felt that the only way I could
understand was if you spoke the language of Love.
But
I think the advent of teenage years just made me worse. Like any other teenager,
I thought of you, my very own Mom, as an “invader of my privacy” than as my
“friend”. Your questions of concern about my safety made me think of you as
an interrogator and of me as a “prisoner”. I sure was a prisoner….of my
teenage years. I would hide things from you, would take great pride and telling
how I hid things from you and what all I did behind your back , and tell my
friends about it, just the way they talked about their Moms. I gave you back
answers and I don’t think I have ever said “Sorry” to you for any of my
acts. You never expected me to either. You just wanted me to realize my mistake,
while I on my part won accolades by discussing this with my friends. You were
right Mom…they weren’t my Friends. My “friends” told me and I agreed
completely with them that “Moms would never understand “our stuff”, as
there is this age old “Generation Gap”..” I would sneak behind your back
and do things which you had advised me not to. I was too busy partying, going
out with friends and staying out late and then conveniently get up late in the
morning. I never thought of giving you a hand in the daily chores or just sit
with you and talk about my feelings. I always chose “others” over you. I
considered you as an “outsider” when in fact you were the only true friend I
ever had….a friend who would
always stand by me, guide me, teach me, forgive me and love me unconditionally.
It took me a long time to realize that the things you told me and your advices
were in fact my guiding light and not just mere words. They carried with them a
Mother’s love, care and concern. You tried so hard Mom. You always said that
one day I would realize deep in my heart how special our relationship was….
It
just took me a long time…
You
wanted me to learn something from your experience but at the same time you
allowed me to make mistakes, but I had a mindset, to defy everything you said. I
thought of myself like someone great but what I didn’t realize was that I was
such a big fool. You were the one who always made me feel special, just that I
never wanted to admit it.
Mom,
you on your part never ever failed to support me. As a mother, you were the BEST
but I …I could not be a good daughter to you.
Every
time I close my eyes, through good times and bad, I hear your voice saying “I
Love You”. You never left my side Mom, but I just wasn’t there when you
needed me. It took me a long time to realize. The simple things in life, we
complicate it and then blame others or time or something…and I am no
different.
Now
I have a daughter who has entered her teens. Her birth came in as a means of my
understanding you. Her childhood days and now her teenage years, makes me feel
just what you felt. She even uses my phrases of “generation gap” and
“invader of privacy” for me. And you know Mom, I am drawing my inspiration
from you. Just the way you treated me with Love and Care, I am trying to do the
same with my daughter.
Being
a Mother changes you forever. It’s a very special feeling. The child is so
precious to a Mother and the wonderful Mother you were, you treated me like an
innocent flower while you took care of me like a gardener. Motherhood is a
process. It has taught me patience and taught me how wrong I was about you. It
brought me closer to you. You were a Wealth of Wisdom. I am so sorry...it just
took me a very long time to realize how special Moms are and everything they say
is for their child’s benefit.
I
wish I could have realized this while I was growing up. I wonder why we don’t
learn things, till it is too late.
You
know Mom, I always told you that whatever you said went through one ear and came
back through the other…It isn’t true. And I am realizing that now.
And
I would like you to know something that even though I couldn’t be a good
daughter, I am working my way to becoming a fairly nice Mom for I had the BEST
MOTHER in the whole world and the most special Friend in you.
And
as I am writing this and seeing my daughter grow, and working on this journey of
mine, your words are echoing in my ears, “I Love you no matter what…I will
always Love you”. Mom…I love you too.