Emerging Courageous online Magazine - Stories
Courage....by Suzi Matola
Courage.....That is a very strong & encompassing
word.......
Of course there was the lion in The Wizard OF Oz.....
He makes me smile every time I think of his cute, bashful face and his long
wagging tail...
Courage?...I'll let you decide...
My name is Suzi, I am 53 yrs old. I was born on November 5th, 1949. I was
born and raised in Ohio. I've suffered from depression since I was 4
years old....That's an awful young age.....My Mom said she took me to a
doctor because I no longer laughed and played. The doctor said that my
parents divorce was very difficult for me....I don't remember what
happen when my parents lived together.
I graduated early & at 17 yrs moved on to the Ohio State campus where I
rented a one room place for $25..lol Depression consumed me...I slashed
both of my wrists. When I saw my whole left arm open up gushing with
blood, I got scared.....I called for help.
I moved out to California. My Mom & Step-Dad relocated there. I use to
sing & play a 12 string guitar.....I felt lost and lonely in California.
I could no longer play my guitar. When I slashed my wrist, the nerve was
cut...... An operation to connect it was not successful.
At 17yrs, I met the man I was to marry. We have 2 children together. I
love my husband dearly.....but my husband & his 7 other brothers were
addicted to drugs & alcohol at an early age.
Only 2 of his brothers are alive now...the others died from over-dosing.
My husband had a very loving side & a very angry side. He would
constantly abuse me physically, mentally & emotionally. I was hospitalized
on several occasions. I remember one time when my husband woke up...He
looked at me and cried. EVERY inch of my body was bruised & my contact lens
was embedded in my left eye. He took me to the hospital & the police were
called...I didn't file charges.
In 1982 my husband came home after 2am.....But this time I would not let
him make love to me.....He put his hand over my mouth to block out my
screams...and he raped me........I bit his hand as hard as I could. He
start hitting me with his fists. I tried to crawl down the
hallway...but he kept kicking me as I tried to curl up. Then he pulled
out the telephone cord & began to wrap it around my neck......
The only thing that saved me, was my 6 year old daughter came out of her
room crying. My husband stopped & passed out in the bedroom. That
morning I called an abuse center. My kids & I stayed with my parents. I
filed for a restraining order and a legal separation. I lived with his abuse and
his brothers abuse for over 17 years...I finally got the 'courage' to leave with
my children.
I use to be in nursing..........I tried
working in a convalesent home and later in-home health care. I had to
stop working because my patients were getting around
better than me............
I've often heard that after going through very stressful times.....the
body brings out once hidden germs & diseases. I'm afraid this part is
too long........from 1982 to 2002......this is a partial list of how my
body began turning around & attacking itself.....
In 1982-83 I was diagnosed with deg. disc
disease, rheumatoid & osteoarthritis,
In later years I became very obese (360 lbs)
Then diagnosis: diabetes, severe cellulitis on legs, lupus vasculitis. In 1996 I
accidentally fell
and split right leg wide open (about 8"). Due to negligence by ER doctor
I lost the front part of my right leg. Due to infections (brought on by
pregnisone & auto immune diseases) I was scheduled to have amputation,
but thankfully a plastic surgeon did a skin graft and saved my leg.
In 1999 I had an infection in my LEFT leg. I have never been in more
pain in my life (10+)
Doctors gave me enough morphine to kill a hippo...I screamed at them to
cut my
leg off because I was in so much pain...they took a chance of possibly
paralyzing me and injected in my spine. Upon opening my leg they thought
had the flesh-eating bacteria disease...after running cultures....all
turned out negative. After
extended hospital stay I was diagnosed with Vasculitis (arteries swell
and completely cut off circulation) if not discovered in time amputation
is usually necessary.
I have been homebound for several years. I'm in a wheelchair now but I
try to walk with a walker. In 2001 I was operated on for a hernia. The
mesh the surgeon put in was infected. They opened me back up & my
surgery lasted 6 hours. They opened my entire stomach....and they were
unable to close it.
I had to heal from the inside out.......With the help of a dear lady who
became my nurse 3 yrs. ago....She changed my dressings 3 times a day,
bathed and fed me...my dear nurse, Reve, is like a sister to me now. She
has taught me about meditation.....it has truly helped me when I was on a
respirator......and the pain.....it helps me with my pain........
The good news is that I have lost over 100 lbs. The surgeons want to cut
off all my loose skin because it is causing me infections and my skin
fills with water and hangs down to my knees..(.I kid you not)....lol
There is a beautiful rainbow............after all
my tears have rained down. My 2 children have grown into that cloud...a silver
lining. My son is now 33yrs. He became an architect before he turned 24yrs old.
He owns his own firm and has designed houses & business's for Magic &
Cookie Johnson, John, Seville, the owner of
CBS, the director of Star Wars, Lucas & many, many others. His houses have
been published in the Architectural Design Magazine.....brag, brag...LOL
My daughter is a beautiful 25yrs old. She has helped manage and start
Countrywide Auto insurance. She has won many awards for her work & she is
licensed in over 17 states.....brag, brag...again..lol
http://www.angelfire.com/blues/realm
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