Emerging Courageous online Magazine - Stories
Fallen Hero in a Daughter's Eyes by Beth
Wildstein
My parents divorced when I was five years old and I felt the walls of my
universe collapse all around me. My father was my hero. I adored him, I loved
him, and then he betrayed me. Don't get me wrong, I still believe he was a good
man. He just made some bad choices in life and it cost him his family.
My father was into the "get rich quick" kick and found out how much
trouble this could be. When he teamed up with his first cousin and got himself
into big trouble, it was the beginning of the end of our family. He had to
testify against the mafia in a trial when I was a baby and the Feds wanted to
place us in the Witness Protection Program but my mother refused to do it.
When my father decided to go back into business with his cousin after that my
mother and him began fighting furiously. He walked out on us and they divorced.
Being only five years old at the time, I didn't understand quite what had
happened to what I thought was a happy home. He disappeared and for a while the
excuse of his absence was that he had to go on a business trip. Who goes on a
two month business trip?
But he did come see me from time to time and then gradually it lessened and
lessened until his visits completely stopped. For a long time I wouldn't give up
looking out the window for him on Sundays, waiting for him to drive up. It broke
my heart every time he never showed up.
I think the most challenging and hurtful thing about all of this is the fact
that he stopped coming to see me 12 years ago. Do you want to know why? Well, so
would I. But I think it is because he was jealous of my step-dad being in my
life.
I felt abandoned, unwanted, unloved. I blamed all my relationship problems on my
father because he made me afraid to commit to someone, fearing that they too
would abandon me. I kept my heart at bay and kept myself from being connected to
anyone.
Then, one day not too long ago, I had a couple of revelations. My father was a
good man and despite the choices he made and why he made those choices I know he
really didn't mean to hurt me. I am sure he did what he did because he thought
it was the best thing for me. But I still couldn't shake the feeling of
abandonment and I don't know if I ever will be able to. It will probably be
inside me forever.
But I have learned to be a stronger person and to forgive. This whole experience
has been one great big roller coaster and I've managed to live through it. Even
at my weakest moments, I was strong.
2/24/03 Beth Wildstein [email protected]
Visit Write From
Your Heart online Writing Magazine Beth Wildstein, Editor-in-Chief
http://pages.ivillage.com/marcinsangel/id2.html