Emerging Courageous online Magazine

My life has always been a struggle to be honest with myself about who I am and what I want from life. Growing up, I never fit in; wrong hair color, too fat, not smart enough, not perky enough, and on and on. I did stand up for myself once and achieved one of my goals, that of being a nurse. I'd always wanted to pursue either religious life or nursing and when I discovered I was adopted, I opted for nursing as a family of my own became my number 1 priority. I moved to Florida and missed all of my friends back home terribly. My life was going nowhere; it was all work and more work. When I wasn't working, I was acting as sole caregiver to a woman in a wheelchair, my adoptive mother, who never let an opportunity go by to remind me that I owed her everything! I almost believed her and gave up my life. After a botched suicide attempt, I awoke in the hospital when the doctors had done just what I had done, gave up on myself. Months later and many hours of grueling self-evaluation, I came to where I am today. I've decided I'm a good person. I love people and have a lot to offer this old world I live in.

Before Christmas, I almost lost my life again but my angels helped me survive, once again renewing my faith in myself and my God. I've learned that once I come to terms with myself, I'm able to give freely of my love and compassion and understanding to those into who's lives I'm taken. For yes, I feel that we all cross paths for a reason, a time, a season.........................................

The week before Christmas of 2001, I had a doctor's appointment. I knew something was drastically wrong as I just was so tired, I was too tired to be tired. Anyway, I spoke to the doctor and he sent me to the ER. I remember registering and walking back to the exam room and then, things were really hazy. I remember a doctor saying they were going to give me something to stop my heart in hopes it would slow down. I remember everything he said and remember waiting for my heart to stop. I had cor pulmonale and had stopped breathing completely as I did 3 times while in the ER. I remember my husband and I talking about my wish not to be put on life support. It was ironic because we had just discussed this on the way to the ER. I remember lots of people, my friends, being around me, and being told I was in intensive care. I had people asking me if I wanted to be put on a ventilator and I refused. For 3 days, I was in this sort of fog. The doctors had very little hope that I'd pull through but I surprised them all. On the third day, I started coming round and it wasn't until I was moved to a room did my memory improve. I had lots of angels and of course, the Lord to help me through this. On Christmas Eve, I was discharged from the hospital on oxygen and a Bipap at night. For those of you not familiar with a Bipap, it's a machine that helps you keep breathing while you're asleep. The doctors decided that I had cor pulmonale, polycythemia, psoriatic arthritis, plus sleep apnea in addition to numerous health issues. At first, I was frightened of falling asleep for fear I'd not wake up again.

Somehow, I became intensely aware that I was Ok, that it was Ok to go to sleep, that yes, I would wake up. Along with this came a renewed sense of purpose. I can't really say what gave me the courage to go on other than that I know I have a purpose and something to achieve here on earth and I've not accomplished what I've been given to accomplish. So, until such time as my mission is complete, I'll remain here. I think that my love of people and helping them out gave me a purpose for living and the love of my wonderful husband and sons gave me a reason to live. My faith in God and the innate goodness of people gave me the strength to carry on with my life's mission!