Emerging Courageous Newsletter 72
Marilyn Dixon Pfanstiel, Editor
Dec. 5, 2004

Message for Today: Hospitalized

The door was locked. I buzzed the door and someone released the door and let me into the psychiatric unit. The door locked behind me. The staff took my overnight bag to check out my belongings for dangerous items and medications. Later I would find my bag containing just my clothes deposited in my room. I received a quick tour of the floor. Most of the patients were in bed or slowly passing in the hallways seemingly in another world.

  For the past seven months, I had struggled with bi/polar episodes. During that time, under psychiatric care, I had tried seven different medicines focusing on the mania. Because I was so super sensitive, each dose had been started extremely low and slowly increased. By the time I reached a helpful dose to bring down the mania, I had adverse side effects – tremors, shakes, blurred vision, hives and diarrhea.

  Several weeks ago, I was prescribed steroids for hives. The mania revved up worse than ever before. I couldn’t seem to slow down and relax. Like the energizer bunny, I kept going, and going, and going until I collapsed in complete exhaustion.

  After several close car accidents, my psychiatrist suggested I be hospitalized. She was afraid I might by accident hurt myself or someone else. The medication for bi/polar wasn’t helping the mania. I was going in circles and unable to focus. I also began unnecessary spending on excessive art supplies and rushing to put together more pictures for an upcoming art show that was already prepared. Around and around I went.

  Since bi/polar is a mental illness, I was admitted to the psychiatric ward for observation. I would be closely watched to see how the medications were affecting me and wean me off the old ones, and try another new drug.

  The other patients had their own demons to face. Many were on drugs. Some were taking extremely high doses of meds for painkillers. Several were suicidal. One had jumped off a building, another caused a car accident, and several had ingested various items including shards of glass. One tried to shoot her self and the gun didn’t fire. Some were schizophrenic and talking to imaginary friends or foes. Others just sat staring into space. I joined the menagerie.

  For the first several days, I slept day and night from exhaustion from being manic for so many weeks. The medicine did finally bring me down as I “crashed” depleted. I got up to eat and sit in on a few therapy group sessions and then lay back down to rest. My body was worn out. Several days later, they began a new medication… It may take several weeks for the new medicine to take effect. In the meantime, I am still resting day and night. Only time will tell if I am able to tolerate this medicine or not. It has been 10 years since I started on this search for relief for bi/polar. I am catching a glimpse at the end of the tunnel. It has been a long struggle and it is not over yet. Bi/polar is an illness which I will address the rest of my life, now, with more understanding. 
Marilyn Dixon Pfanstiel December 5, 2004

Thought to Ponder: "The Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? " 
author unknown shared by Barbara Spillers

Inspirational Quote: "Today is just another day but we have so much to look forward to." author unknown

Congratulations to Ellie Braun-Haley: 
Ellie has been asked to have her story "Wilted Flowers" translated and published in the Nederlands.

From the Mailbag:

re last newsletter Reflections:
* "Very nice food for thought and Soul, Marilyn. As usual :) Tony DeLiso