Well, it's ten after six in the morning. I've been up since five. I went to bed at two. This is bad. sigh. I woke up this morning completely terrified, disoriented, and ready to scream. I felt like I was a kid all over again. Dunno what I was dreaming about, but I must have been deep into it because I didn't even wake up when Patrick got up. I haven't had night terrors since I was like 12. Weird. Anyway, I was double scared when I woke up cause Patrick was gone. Went looking for him and found him on this thing in the living room. He was on the puter. He shut it down real fast and looked guilty. LOL. So here I am on it after he's gone back to sleep.

He was looking at porn, dunno why he felt like he needed to hide it from me. It's not like I can't look and see what he was looking at. I could care less if he looks at porn. Actually, I had to laugh because some of the pictures were of this chick wearing an outfit just like one I wore the other night. I think guys are embarassed to admit they look at it by themselves or something. That's funny in my house, though. Hell, we used to have a subscription to the playboy channel. Patrick and I would watch one occasionally together, it's not a big deal. Cannot help but find it highly amusing that he was up at o dark thirty in the morning sneaking looks at it. LOL. It must be a man thing, is all I have to say.

Actually, am glad that was all he was doing. It could have been worse. I mean I don't really think he would do anything worse, I'm just saying that I'm glad he doesn't. Women who wake up to empty beds and absent husbands are often extremely upset with what they find, when they go looking for their husband, if you know what I mean. So girls if you find your man looking at porn and you are one of those chicks whom it really bothers, think about it this way. At least that's all he's doing. LOL. It could be worse.

I had this conversation once with Patrick's friend, Heather. She was the best man (lol, or best girl I guess considering she isn't a man) at our wedding. She was really upset with her boyfriend for looking at it, she would find it on her computer all the time. She was a real white bread, wholesome girl, so you can imagine how she felt about adult movies, etc. She didn't understand why her boyfriend looked at porn when he had her, felt insulted by it, like she wasn't good enough, etc. The thing that most women don't get is that looking at porn (at least for most of the men I've known) isn't about fantasizing about someone else, it's usually fantasizing about the girl your with being like, doing, wearing, etc. whatever the chick in the movie/picture is. It doesn't mean you aren't good enough the way you are, either, so don't take it like that. It's just fantasy. There isn't a woman alive who can say she doesn't fantasize in some way. And we fantasize in similar ways, we just don't realize it.

For example, if you've ever read a romance or trashy novel. The men are impossibly good looking, romantic, and passionate. There isn't one woman in the free world who's read one of those that hasn't fantasized about her man being exactly the same way. It doesn't mean you love him any less, it just means that there's some kind of element in that story that you desire at that moment in time. Would we want it on a permanent basis? Well, we might think we do, but it would most likely get old after a while. It is fun to fantasize though. Fantasy is healthy for you as a person and as a couple. Even if the fantasy stars another person for a minute or two. What woman hasn't fantasized for a moment about someone famous? You know like Brad Pitt, George Clooney, or someone like that. Those aren't the guys I have fantasized about (I'm hot for Ben Browder and Spike from Buffy myself), but they are typical famous men. Anyway, my point is that women should cut their men some slack.

I mean we do the same thing, just in a different way. All that catching your man looking at porn proves is that he's normal. LOL. Count your blessings, it could be worse. You could be catching him with another woman or God forbid, looking at child porn. If he's looking at good old fashioned naked women doing stuff that the average American woman does but doesn't talk about cause she's too uptight, then you are blessed, whether you believe it or not.

You know, marriage isn't easy. Some days you are blissfully happy, some days you are slightly content, some days you are ready to strangle each other, some days you can't get enough of one another, some days you don't ever want to be touched again, some days you are too busy to notice the other is breathing, and some days you just long to be in each other's company. It's all about compromise, negotiation, love, and support. If you can do those then you can have a fullfilling marriage. No, you aren't going to be happy all the time. Who is? That's not normal. No you and your partner are not going to want the same things all the time. That's where compromise and negotiation come in. You have to pick your battles, decide what your deal breakers are, and come to an understanding about the things you don't agree on.

I have this theory about marriage (geez, I'm getting all philosophical and psychological this morning). I think a couple has to agree or at least come to an understanding about some core issues if they want their relationship to work. The first thing is sex, then there's family (kids, extended, etc.), then there's home (where you live, lifestyle, division of chores, and how it's run), then money (how it's managed and what it's spent on, etc.), and last there's spiritual life.

I say sex first because that is the first symptom that something is wrong. If you don't have a happy sex life, then most likely other areas of your marriage are in bigger trouble. I think that most divorces are caused by sex. Lack of sex, sex with other people, feelings of inadequacy due to sexual issues, he wants it/she doesn't or vice versa, unmet desires when it comes to sex, etc. For men, sex tends to be more physical and has less to do with emotions. For women, it tends to be all tied up together. If she isn't happy with her man, she's mad at him, the trash didn't get taken out, or he didn't do the dishes, she's not going to get turned on. Maybe it isn't that extreme and not every woman is like that. I'm not, can't really think of too many things that Patrick could do that would make me not want it. But, I digress. Anyway, so here's your scenario: The man does/desires something that upsets/turns off his woman. Woman witholds sex. Pretty soon they turn around and it's been months since they've done it. That first time escalates into more times, resentment builds over whatever the original issue was, it bleeds over into other areas of the marriage, resentment builds because of the lack of sex, which breeds more resentment over smaller things, pretty soon you are living in a war zone prime for cheating and divorce. Now, I'm not saying do it when you don't want to, but I am pointing out how things can escalate when a problem isn't properly worked out. Some things are just non-negotiable for some people. I mean in my case, if my husband were to start bugging me to have a threesome or something like that, that's a non-negotiable issue for me. It would never happen. Not in a million-billion years. He would have to decide whether or not that was a deal breaker for him and if it was, we'd be divorced. Thank the Goddess we don't have an issue like that. But it's a good example. So If I told him no, meant it, and he kept bugging me about it, I'm sure I would be turned off and the cycle starts. The thing that couples don't realize is that once an issue is negotiated, terms specified, and agreed to, then you have to stick to them. If you try to renegotiate on a big issue, all you end up doing is breeding resentment because the other person begins to feel pressured, inadequate, unloved, and hurt.

The same goes for other issues, as well. Family is another big one that has to be negotiated, compromised on, and the couple needs to be in harmony on (not neccesarily total agreement). You need to agree on how to raise your children, what role extended family will play in your lives, etc. The biggest culprit for fighting here is how to raise the kids or that interfering in-law. In the case of kids, I hope that children were discussed before they were had. LOL. But for most of us, that didn't happen, I have two happy little accidents myself. It's an ongoing negotiation and one parent usually takes the lead. That's usually the woman because mom's naturally seem to be in charge of the kids, I think it's that whole we gave birth to them thing. Dad's have a tendency to be a silent frustrated voice in that area. Mom's just need to remember that by allowing Dad to take an active role in his children's lives (I know sometimes it's not a matter of allowing so much as begging), his children will be better adjusted and able to build healthier relationships. I used to get annoyed at my ex husband for rough housing with my step-kids. I was sooooo wrong. By the time I got done with the ex, he barely knew who the kids teachers were. That's my own fault. I did like I always do, stepped in and took over. I got annoyed about the rough housing cause they got all riled up, I got annoyed about them watching wrestling with him, cause they wanted to act the stuff out, I got annoyed about the going fishing cause they came home dirty, I pretty much nipped his bonding time with them in the bud. Didn't realize it till I saw my husband with our kids now, but it's true. Any kind of bonding a dad does with his kids is good, unless he's teaching them to smoke pot and degrade women. I never say a word to Patrick about rough housing with the kids, I just watch him and smile. LOL. I still take over everything, but I really try not to interfere with my husband being a parent. Dunno how well we'll do when they are teens, cause I'm the hard ass and he's the push over, but for now we are doing ok.

Another family issue is extended family. In-laws. LOL. I know some people who shutter at that word. I actually really like my in-laws. I get along really well with my mother-in-law and like her alot. I can talk to her longer on the phone than my husband can. LOL. That wasn't true for my first mother-in-law. I liked her well enough, but didn't agree with her on anything. Let's just say our ideas about things came from two completely different realms. Literally. LOL. But because she was my husband's mother, I made a concentrated effort to like her and get along with her. I really did like her in the end, I just didn't agree with her or approve of some of her ideas (I'm positive she felt the same way about me). The big thing with in-laws is the spouse. Your spouse is the one who should set the tone with in-laws. They should be the one to draw any boundries that need to be drawn, do any confronting, discuss any issues, etc. The reason why is because it's their family. If you are the one piping up and mouthing off, it's only going to make things worse. Each spouse is responsible for his/her own extended family and needs to make sure that their spouse is, if not happy, at least content with the relationship the in-laws have with you as a couple.

Home is the next one. More fights start in households world-wide over who did the dishes last. LOL. It sounds trivial, but it's really not. If one of you is doing all the house work all the time and the other never helps or doesn't so what they are asked to do, it builds resentment. There are other home related issues, such as how to run your household, where to live, how to live, what your lifestyle is like. If you really think about these then you'll see why it's important to agree on them.

Then there's money, which is supposedly the biggest cause of divorce in this country, although I don't believe it. I think the biggest cause is sex. But money causes no end of problems too, usually how to manage it. In our house it's a pretty simple system. Patrick makes the money, cashes the check, and holds on to it. I tell him what to spend it on, what bills to pay, and figure out how much we'll need at a later date. When we want to buy something that costs more than fifty bucks, we discuss it, unless it's a gift for each other at Christmas, birthday, valentines, anniversary. We do it this way because he can't stand not to have money in his pocket and I don't care if I have a dollar on me. We still discuss what we are going to spend the money on and what bills need to be paid when. The discussion is the important part, not who actually holds the cash. If I need money for something then I just tell him to give it to me. Money is not a power issue in our marriage. Our power issues are in other areas. LOL.

Spiritual life is the last thing. It's one that we are still negotiating. I have one and he doesn't. LOL. I'll let you know how this one works out, cause we still haven't gotten it figured out yet. I don't really care what he believes as long as he believes something. Our kids are getting older and will be asking questions soon. I want them to see that lots of people believe lots of different things and tolerance of other's beliefs is very important. The problem is their daddy doesn't know what he believes. I keep telling him he needs to figure it out so he can answer his kids when they ask. Patrick just isn't into analyzing his own philosophy. LOL.

Well, it seems that I've written a book on marriage this morning and have been at it for over two hours. The kids are awake now and I need to go fix breakfast. Dunno what possessed me to write all this, that's what happens when people start wandering in the middle of the night. I am never up before 8. Geez. I think it's that article on dream interpretation that I'm supposed to be writing. I had a horrible night terror because I need to do it and haven't gotten around to it. LOL.

Blessings,

Natalie/Em