Well,  Patrick is in jail. I miss him like a physical ache in my bones and if one more person tells me it could have been worse I'm going to throw something. I really don't care right now if it could have been worse, all I care about is that he isn't here. Which just shows what a mess I am, I never knew how completely madly in love with him I was until I had to drive back to Missouri by myself. I mean I knew I loved him, but I didn't know I'd be an emotional wreck without him. It's very scary cause he's older than me, what sort of mess will I be if he dies before me? It's very humbling for me to realize how completely dependant I am on his presence in my life. I mean, I'm supposed to be this strong, independant woman.. right? Logically, I realize that he's not going to be gone long, but why can't I stop bawling and moping around about it?

Oh, I guess I should tell you what happened. We went to meet Patrick's lawyer before court yesterday and he wasn't real hopeful. He told us he was hoping for at the best, six months house arrest to be transferred to MO. Needless to say, my stomach hit my feet. We went to court and Patrick's lawyer met with the prosecuting attourney. He came back and said that the prosecuting attourney offered Patrick 30 days in jail and the whole thing is done with. No more warrant, no probation, just done. Indiana has a double time thing, which means that for every day you are a good boy it counts as two days. So Patrick can be out in 15 days. He called work and Rita promised not to fire him, so we took it.

This is the point in the story where everyone tells me, "It could have been worse." I don't wanna hear it right now. I miss him, my kids miss him. We have never spent more than two days apart in the four years we've been together and it was me who was gone. Plus we lived on the phone when we were apart. My children have never spent a day apart from Daddy. I liked it that way, which is why I vowed never to get involved with another military man. I was an army wife once, I'm not any good at it, it's too hard to kiss your man goodbye. Of course, I was never this... crazy.... dependant... needy.... in love with.... I dunno... cannot even describe how I feel about Patrick.... it's definitely nothing like what I felt for my ex.

Patrick is going to be really upset when he finds out I left Indiana. He wanted me to stay really bad. I couldn't stay. His mother had double bipass surgery that morning and was in the hospital. His dad was all worried about her and their house isn't kid proof by any means. I felt like me and the kids were just one more thing for Sonny to worry about. Plus I thought it would be easier for the kids to be without their Daddy if they were at home in familiar surroundings. It's not any easier for me, believe me. I wanted to stay, myself, then I could go visit him. I drove to Indiana and back in less than 24 hours, had 3 hours of sleep, and still couldn't go to sleep last night. I put on the history channel to fall asleep and Dayanera woke me up bright and early this morning by climbing into bed with me, looking for Patrick. I cried. As a matter of fact, I seem to be crying constantly. What is wrong with me? Why the hell am I so inconsolable? Logically, I know it's rediculous. It's really only two weeks, good grief. I don't understand why I'm so upset and that is really getting to me. If it were someone else, I'd probably be telling them, "It'll be ok, it's only two weeks, and IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE...." uggghh.

Poor Patrick, he's going to be so disappointed when he finds out I left. I called the jail to find out when visiting hours are and found out each prisoner has individual hours. They told me Patrick wasn't in the system yet and he didn't have any assigned yet. So I asked if it would be possible to see him today (Wednesday), because I'd thought to stay one more day and tell him I was leaving. They said no, he wouldn't be allowed to see visitors today. So I wrote him a letter, gave it to his dad to give him, packed up the kids, and left. He can't call, either. They aren't allowed to use calling cards from the jail, they have to call collect. Patrick put a collect call block on our phone (isn't that irony?). Plus even if he could call collect it's 8 bucks to accept the call and 4$ a minute to talk. Apparently Deleware County gets some of the money from the phone calls. 900 numbers are cheaper... jeez. I did tell him to call Grandma's though, at least once. I put it in my letter. I hope he does. We just won't be on the phone longer than a couple of minutes.

Now, I gotta figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. sigh. I have 72 dollars and a good three weeks before we see any money in this house. I need groceries and my internet bill is due tomorrow. Plus I gotta drive back to Indiana in two weeks to get Patrick. Grandma will help me out, but she's going to have to borrow the money to do it. Before we left, I made sure all of our bills were paid, so nothing is due till the second to last week of the month (cept net). The problem with that is that there still won't be a paycheck before that stuff is due.

I know I need to snap out of it, I know it's silly and impractical to be this depressed. That doesn't mean I can help it. I miss him, and I'm worried that he's going to be hurt that I left Indiana. I think he was scared that if I left, I wouldn't come back and get him. Like that would happen? I'm a mess without him. How sad is that?