I'm sitting in my Lit class at the moment before class is going to start. It's been a long time since I've written in this blog, but it was for good reason. Time, for the most part. sigh.

I'm going through something this year... maybe it's my midlife crisis? I am going to be thirty in a couple of months, although I doubt I'm primed for a midlife crisis. LOL. I feel very dissatisfied with life in general. I feel like I've been at a crossroads in my life for the last six months. Weird, huh? My relationships don't feel satisfactory, school is dragging on, there's been so much upheaval in my family, it isn't any wonder I haven't pulled my hair completely out.

I guess I should qualify my statement about relationships before someone takes that the wrong way. My relationships with family, friends, hubby, etc. are decent for the most part but in almost every relationship I have, there's some little thing about it that bugs me. For instance, I love my husband with my entire soul and am happier with him than I've ever been with anyone in my whole life, but (yea there's a BUT) I want more attention from him. I almost fell apart a couple of weeks back because some other guy told me I had beautiful hair. Let Patrick have it cause he's never said anything like that. I realized that I've been living my life without any kind of positive feedback from Patrick. Believe me it really sucked. It sounds silly, but it bothers me. Patrick is getting better though, that's one of the great things about him. He tries.

My relationship with some of my friends has been pretty rocky this last year too. I have soul searched and soul searched about that one. I've come to some pretty hard conclusions about myself too. I don't let friendships go when I should, I fight to keep them when they are far passed the point of being damaging to down right destructive for me. I've let friends ruin my credit, borrow money, cause fights between me and my husband, make me miserable to the point that I'm making my family miserable, be overly involved in my life, me be overly involved in theirs, hurt me and I let it slide, and just generally depress me. What flaw is it in my character that allows this sort of thing to go on in my relationships?

My Grandaddy died in December and he never got the thing I have always given my friends. I never gave him a second chance. How depressing is that? I'm always the one trying to mend relationships and I guess that time I just felt like I wasn't going to do it, it's the biggest regret of my life. So what do I do? I come home from that funeral and begin to try to patch up all these relationships. The one thing that I seem to find so hard to get through my head is that you can't make people patch them up and on top of that, sometimes they are better left broken.

Why is that so hard? I mean intellectually I know that in some of the cases of my relationships, I am much better off letting it go. We've outgrown one another, the relationship is detrimental to my life, we've grown apart, I care more than the other people do, and so on and so forth. But it is soooo hard to let it go. I always think back to the times when things were good and remember the good times, the way we helped one another through a dark patch, our childhoods, the things we had/have in common, all of that makes it hard to let these people go.

So what do I do? I sit back and wait. I have come to the conclusion that I tried. I did what I refused to do with my Grandaddy. I tried. I am not going to let unreturned phone calls, screaming matches, silence, declined invitations, etc. bother me anymore. It's on them to patch it up. I tried. Wow, that feels pretty good, if you want to know the truth.

You know I had interpersonal communication last semester and that class had me analyzing my relationships every which way from sunday. Had it not been for Virgie I would probably have kept on the way I have forever. I do believe I may have found some personal growth here. At least I vented. I don't normally do that in this blog. am not sure I should post it.

See there I am doing it again. My fear is that once it's out there I can't take it back. Which is true. But why am I afraid? I shouldn't be. I've been brutally honest. Which is why I'm afraid, am afraid I'll make someone irepairably mad. Mad enough that it cannot be patched up. Sad isn't it? Well, I am going to post it. Fearless is my word for the day. LOL. That's what I get for watching Starting Over every day.  I love that show, am barely tolerable after having watched it cause it makes me feel like analyzing myself. Patrick groans when it's on and leaves the room. LOL. I think he thinks I think too much. LOL. Which I do but if I can say one thing when I'm done with this life, I hope it's that I knew myself well.

Blessings,

Em/Natalie