Well, I need to blow off some steam... so here goes...

I'm so unbelievably stressed and depressed right now it's unreal. Six classes, living in my car, kids driving me insane, my father on my case to plan a wedding rehearsal dinner, and planning the upcoming Samhain party... I'm losing it, big time.

I have so much homework it feels like a fifty ton weight, which wouldn't be so bad if I had time to do it uninterupted. That seems like an impossible dream. I live in my damn car. I'm constantly driving somewhere. Taking Dayanera to school, picking her up, taking Patrick to school, picking him up, taking Patrick to work, and picking him up. Between all that driving I have to go to school myself, do homework, and plan all the stuff I'm supposed to plan. I feel like I'm being pulled in fifty directions at once. I could slow down, I could take a lighter load next semester but doing that will add another semester on my graduation date.

There's other stuff too.. sigh... I'm so mad at James right now I can't see straight. Yup, I said his name. I haven't mentioned names up to this point on that situation because I was trying to be nice and diplomatic. I do NOT feel the least bit nice or diplomatic these days. I want my stuff back. I want my husband's karoke machine back, I want my husband's Buffy box set back, I want my book, and I want the certificate that he didn't earn back. I don't understand how I could have been so wrong about another person's character. There just is no honor in people anymore. I sent him an email this last weekend telling him he had till tomorrow to to get it back to me either by bringing it out here, giving it to someone for me to pick it up, or I'd come and get it. Did I get an answer? Hell no. I told him I wanted my stuff back a month ago. I'm about to start getting nasty about it and I'm letting everyone know so they get to hear my side of the story, because unlike James I have not been bitching to anyone who will listen about it. I'm sure he has been. This is between me and him and nobody else. It's not right or fair to bring other people into it, which I promise is not what I'm trying to do here. This is damage control because we are friends with the same people. Enough said on that. This is just one more thing that is adding to my stress.

Then there's my father.. ugghhh.. he called today whining to me about my brother's wedding rehearsal dinner. He wants me to make phone calls for him and help plan it. I resent this for a number of reasons.. 1. because I don't get why Justin has to have a fancy rehearsal dinner anyway. 2. because I had a bbq the first time, nothing the second time, and my brother Jon had his at a buffet place (what makes Justin so damn special anyway?) 3. because I have enough stuff going on that I absolutely cannot have one more thing up in the air or I'm going to turn into an uber-bitch (if I haven't already) 4. my time is valuable and my off time is devoted to things I care about, justin's wedding is not one of those at this point 5. because he's not even getting married for ten more months and I don't need this shit right now. 6. let his overly perky and annoying girlfriend do it, it's her wedding. Geez, I'm probably going to regret half the shit I've said in this thing, I'm sure. But I'm trying to be real and true to myself these days and in an effort to do that, I'm standing up for myself no matter what the consequences are.

Then there's the Samhain Party. This I do not resent planning, it's the one thing I've got going on that (though stressful) is something that I enjoy and am happy about. I'm losing my help right and left, they seem to be dropping like flies. Everyone has just as much shit going on as I do it seems, but I vow to get it together on this one. I've got a list as long as my arm about things that aren't nailed down for that yet. Really it being pushed back into November was probably a blessing in disguise. I'm beginning to think that we should consider changing the date for the weekend after Halloween next year. Midterms are right before and I know we all could use the time even if it is a year away.

Then there's my house, which is never clean but is reaching an all time dirty low this week. Instead of doing this I should be cleaning, doing one of the three papers I have due, reading for one of my three lit classes, or something more constructive. I'm beginning to feel panicky. sigh. I hate it when I get like this because getting stuff done gives me tunnel vision and I start steamrolling to get it all accomplished. Having this much stuff hanging up in the air makes me crazy. It interferes with my sleep, it weighs on my mind, it makes me bitchy, undiplomatic, and bossy. My poor husband is going to end up with more grey hair than I have if this keeps up.

Having too much going on has all kinds of interesting effects on my health. I get my period freaking four days early and bleed like I'm dying. I break out in hives all over my stomach and back. My inner control freak kicks in and wants to control every aspect of my world to lesson the effect all the stress is having on me. I have more knots on the right side of my back (no they don't get evenly placed, they like to hang out on the right side) than I've ever had in my whole life. They can get rubbed out and be back an hour later. I lose my patience with my children and start screaching (which I hate, yelling makes me nervous). As a consequence I'm making myself more nervy. I'm not sleeping well, my mind won't shut up. It keeps going over and over all the things I haven't gotten done yet. I'm smoking two plus packs a day. And my temper is on edge, so I'm liable to bite someone's head off. Don't take it personally. I keep trying to tell people how I feel and no one wants to hear it. Which I suppose I can understand.. who wants to listen to someone else bitch when you have your own stuff going on?

Tonight I am going to sit down and make myself a schedule for everything that I have going on, including classes and homework. Everything and I do mean everything that I have going on is going on that schedule. If you need me for something you're just going to have to get penciled in somewhere and make an appointment two weeks in advance. LOL. I have to do something in self defense because I don't have a personal secretary to do this stuff for me.

Crap, I have to go now.. kids are screaming, Maverick is tired and cranky.. Dayanera is wet... It figures.

Blessings,

Natalie/Em