by: Erin and Carol
(Note: Any dedicated Philes who notice the details in the CD-ROM game may recognize the title of our lovely little tale. Please note that this is meant to be funny, not serious or accurate. It pokes a little fun at a bad habit of Mulder and a few other characters... remember: don't touch it if you don't know what it is!)
^_^_^_^
Mulder and Scully walked up to the shabby looking farmhouse.
"So, this guy thinks he's found the secret to immortality, but he can't
even keep his house clean?" Scully asked in a mocking tone. She was not
happy to be on such a ridiculous case.
"So maybe if people eventually do all live forever, the entire state of
West Virginia will be one big family!"
"Mulder, who says that's not true now?" Scully had nothing against West
Virginians-she knew some-but she wasn't in the mood for Mulder's jokes.
They stepped onto the rickety porch and Mulder knocked on the boarded
door. After a minute, a man who looked to be middle-aged came to the
door. "Hey. Y'all from the FBI?"
"Yes, sir. I'm Agent Mulder, this is Agent Scully."
They flashed their badges.
"Come on out back. I'll show you the well I found in my backyard. Y'all
can have some if you want."
"Uh… No thanks, Mr…"
"Mr. Evans." He answered with a smile.
"…Mr. Evans. We're just here to look, not touch."
"All right, then. Come on in."
"Sir, when I spoke to you on the phone the other day, you gave your age
you said you were 71. You're looking pretty good for your age, I must
say." Mulder told him.
"It's the well I found. I'm telling you, it's taken years off my
appearance! And I feel younger, too."
Mulder and Scully looked at each other.
"May we see this well?" Mulder asked, walking into the dingy living room
of the house.
Mr. Evans eagerly led the two them out to the backyard. He took them to
a
small, deep, water-filled hole.
"There it is."
Scully continued quizzing Mr. Evans about his findings and their
credibility while Mulder went to investigate the well itself.
"When do you first realize you had come upon the fountain of youth in
your own backyard, sir?"
"About three weeks ago, ma'am."
Ma'am?! Scully thought, but said, "And why didn't you contact us until
now?"
"Well, I wasn't sure if it was my imagination or not, ma'am."
Tired of hearing this man address her as 'ma'am', Scully turned back to
Mulder who was standing back up from where he had been stooping next to
the hole.
"Mulder, let's just get a sample and have it analyzed. We'll get back to
you, Mr. Evans. Thank you for your time."
Mulder and Scully got some of the 'water' in a small vial and twisted
the
cap on tight. Scully tossed it into her pocket with little reverence for
this case or it's evidence.
On the drive back to FBI headquarters, they decided to take a little
detour to a rest stop/convenience store. When they got inside, Scully
went to the counter to order a bottle of water. Mulder, on the other
hand, was drawn to rack of ancient looking comic books.
"Hey, Scully! Look, an old 'Captain Proton'. I used to collect these…
Y'know what? I'm gonna get it." He reached into his pocket and actually
pulled out his wallet to pay for the thing, much to Scully's surprise.
"Mulder, I can't believe you just spent money on that. It's a comic
book."
"I know, I love these. I mean, I used to love these… Whatever…" He let
his voice trail off as he opened it up and started to read.
Scully just laughed it off as another weird Mulder-thing. Unfortunately,
quite a few weird Mulder-things happened on the way home. As we all
know,
Mulder loves to drive, but since he had some new entertainment, he made
Scully drive. That was odd. And then there was the whole incident over
the air conditioning…
The inside of the car was unbearably hot. Mulder felt nauseous from the
heat as he slouched uncomfortably in the passenger seat. It was a cold
day in August and it was only about 70 degrees, so Scully had refused to
turn on the air conditioning.
He looked out the window. It was raining: a light, pleasant rain. He
gazed at the gray clouds covering the sky and at all the other
surroundings outside of the car. The rain looked so cool and
refreshing.
Mulder moved his hand towards the button in front on him that turned on
the air. But before he could reach it Scully slapped his hand back.
"Ouch," he said as he pulled his hand away sharply. He gave Scully a
hurt look.
"No," she said. The gesture reminded Mulder of a kid trying to sneak a
cookie from a cookie jar. Just when the kid was about to grab a cookie,
he ended up getting caught in the act.
"Why not?" Mulder replied, "It's freaking hot in here. The dashboard's
probably hot enough to fry an egg on."
"I said no, Mulder," Scully said in a slightly agitated voice, "It's
perfectly fine in here."
"Come on, Scully," he responded quickly with a wry smile on his face,
"Can you at least let me put it on low?"
Scully tore her eyes off the road for a moment to look at Mulder, "You
don't know when to quit, do you, Mulder?" she said.
Mulder shrugged his shoulders and slouched down even further in his seat
than he already was. "Fine," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm,
"be that way." He stared blankly out the window at the rain again.
When Scully focused her attention back to the road, Mulder quickly
launched his hand out towards the button again. This time he succeeded.
A draft of cool air started flowing out from the vents.
Scully's eyes became fixated on Mulder, a look of surprise on her face.
"Mulder!" Mulder looked back at her with a playful grin on his face.
"Mulder, stop acting so childish."
Mulder tried to hold back fits of laughter as he stared into her
surprised eyes. "Why?" he asked her, his voice and expression suddenly
turning innocent. "I'm just hot, that's all."
"Well I'm not," she said to him, quite annoyed.
Mulder let out a slight smile and ignored her comment. "Too bad."
He succeeded in their little feud over the air conditioning, and Scully
had to freeze the rest of the way back to FBI headquarters. And Mulder
didn't get any better when they got there.
***
"Ouch!"
"Mulder, I told you not to lean that far back on your chair," Scully
scolded him.
Mulder picked himself off of the floor and rubbed the side of his head.
"I'm sorry. I, uh, I didn't know it was gonna do that," he said as he
sheepishly glared at the swivel chair.
Scully rolled her eyes. This was really getting old fast. "Mulder,
whatever's wrong with you, we need to fix it immediately. If not sooner.
I can't even let you out of my sight in this condition. And don't even
get me started on what Skinner will say if-when-he finds out." She ran
her fingers through her hair and looked frustrated and helpless.
Mulder avoided eye contact with her. He knew she was mad and knew it
wasn't very wise to upset her when she was already frustrated. He sat
back down on the swivel chair, being careful not to lean too far back,
and sighed. After a few long seconds of silence, Mulder couldn't sit
still in his chair anymore. He picked up a pencil off of his desk and he
absently chewed on the top. Inbetween the pencil eraser he curiously
asked Scully, "Hey, Scully? What is wrong with me?"
Scully glanced back over at him. "Ugh. Get that out of your mouth!" she
shouted, reaching over and snatching it from him. "I never anticipated
the need to child proof your office, Mulder. And as far as what's wrong
with you, I haven't the slightest idea. I don't even know where to
begin.
Not to mention the fact that I don't have much time to think about it
while I'm babysitting you." She gave him a condescending look.
Mulder frowned back at her. "Babysitting me?" He asked innocently, "And
why did you take that pencil away from me? I wasn't doing anything
stupid, was I?" He got up and started to walk over to Scully, but before
he reached her he tripped over a box of odds and ends lying on the
office
floor and landed on the ground with a thud.
Scully covered her face with her hands, and willed herself not to laugh
at Mulder making a fool of himself. She walked over to help him off the
floor again. "You need to sit still and not touch anything until this is
fixed. You're going to hurt yourself. And whatever you do, don't go
anywhere alone. I need to make sure you don't do anything more
dangerous.
And by the way, yes, putting pencils in your mouth is stupid. You don't
know where they've been!" she reprimanded him. Then she muttered to
herself, "Anymore stupid questions?" and laughed sarcastically.
Mulder didn't bother trying to get up off the floor. Instead he just lay
sprawled out on his back. Scully looked at him oddly but then Mulder
explained. "If I'm just laying here then I can't do anything stupid."
He heard Scully groan in frustration.
"Damn! This floor is really hard!" he complained fidgeting.
Just as Scully was about to insist that he get up, she heard the door
open, and Skinner walked in. He looked from Scully to Mulder, and then
back to Scully, and then back to Mulder. He gave up on this as a method
of gathering information and decided to just ask.
"Agent Mulder, would you care to tell me why it is you are laying spread
eagle on the floor of your office?" He crossed his arms and looked at
the
two of them.
"Because," Mulder said matter-of-factly, "if I lay here on the floor,
then I can't do anything stupid!"
"Oh, God," Scully groaned. How was she going to explain this to Skinner?
"He tripped, sir. I was just going to help him up," Scully answered,
forcing a smile.
"Great… Anyway, I came here to tell you that you've got a new case.
Here," he handed Scully a file folder and gave Mulder one more weird
look
before shaking his head and leaving the room.
"That was stupid, Mulder."
"What was stupid?"
"What you just did."
"What did I just do?"
"You just did something extremely stupid!"
"I did not!"
"You did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Not!"
"Too!"
"Too!"
"Not!"
"Okay, not!" Mulder started to giggle. This whole thing was absolutely
ridiculous.
Scully looked on the verge of ripping her own hair out. "Damn it,
Mulder!
This is not funny, and it's not a joke to me! Can you get that through
your thick head! You are so dense!" She had said this all in one breath,
and then stopped so she could breathe again. "Honestly, I mean, I know
this isn't all your fault, but you could at least try to behave
yourself!
We need to just focus on this new case, okay?"
She pulled it out of the folder and began flipping through it. Mulder
suddenly looked very interested and grabbed it from her.
"Hey! Let me see that," he said. He took a quick glance at the file and
crinkled up his nose in disgust. "Hey, there's no pictures!" He threw
the
files on the ground and the contents spilled out onto the floor.
"Oh, damn it." Scully mumbled, bending over to clean up the mess. She
tried to reorder the papers, but eventually gave up and just focused on
getting them back off the floor. She continued reading through it.
"Well,
it seems that we'll be going to Florida for this one. To be more
precise-and don't get too excited, it's for work-Disney World.
Apparently
there's been some sabotaging of rides lately, and they want us to look
into it. I'm not sure why they chose us but… Oh, wait, here it is, some
of the patrons claim to have seen-" she paused and made a face as though
she really didn't want to finish the sentence, "-evil spirits. God, how
embarrassing…" she said to herself, and then saw the look of glee on
Mulder's face. "Sadly enough, you'd probably have that same look on your
face under normal circumstances."
"Hey! Scully, you mean we're actually going to Disney World?" Mulder
perked up and suddenly looked interested in the case. "Wow! This is so
cool!"
"Calm down, Mulder. We're not going. I'm going back up to find Skinner
and we're going to explain to him that you haven't exactly been yourself
lately, and we'd appreciate it if he'd reassign the case to someone
else."
"But-b-but…" Mulder started to argue, getting a desperate child's look.
He even thought of resorting to the puppy-dog face.
"No, Mulder," Scully cut him off, "there's just no way I'm taking you to
Disney World like this. Now come on, let's go see Skinner." Feeling a
little stupid, but deciding it was somewhat necessary, she extended her
hand for Mulder to take.
"But Scully! I don't want to see Skinner! I want to go to Disney World!"
Mulder showed no sign of moving.
"Mulder," Scully said, bending down so she was at Mulder's eye level,
"We
are not going to Disney World. Now come with me or-or you're grounded!"
Before he could even respond, Scully grabbed his arm to try to yank him
off the floor. "You know, you weigh a lot more than you look." She told
him. Able to budge him by grabbing his arm, she tried kneeling down and
pulling up on both of his shoulders. This was also proving unsuccessful
when the door creaked open again. It was Agent Pendrell.
"Hey-" he paused when he saw what position the two were in, "-I heard
some noise, I just wanted to make sure everything was all right… I'll be
going now. Oh, Agent Scully, here are the results of the test you wanted
me to run on that stuff you found in Virginia." He stood still for a
moment, taking the spectacle in before he finally said good-bye and
left.
"No, I was wrong… God, that was embarrassing." Scully said, dryly.
Mulder looked around, confused. "It was? I didn't think so."
Scully became indignant. "Did you see the look on his face?!" She
pointed
her finger at the door where Agent Pendrell was standing only moments
before. "Mulder, I don't care what you think. That was embarrassing."
Mulder's expression didn't change, "Scully, why are you so mad at me?"
he
asked in that same boyish innocence.
Scully was about to explode and chew him out, but the look on his face
made her pity him instead. Which, of course, just made her angrier with
him. "Mulder. Get up. Now." Her voice was cold and firm; she was quite
upset at this point.
Mulder didn't argue with her. When she was upset, she could seriously
hurt a person. "Um… Okay. I guess?" He got up off of the floor and went
over to Scully, "But you still didn't say why you're mad at me?"
"Oh? Can't you tell?!" she demanded. She regained control of herself.
"Okay, obviously, I'm having a little trouble handling this, so please
try not to screw up, for God's sakes! Now, we are going to see Skinner.
Right now." Not in the mood to put up with any resistance, she grabbed
his wrist and pulled him out into the hallway. She didn't loosen her
grip
until she had successfully forced him into the elevator.
Once the elevator doors shut Mulder spoke up. "No, I can't tell. So
exactly why are you mad at me? I honestly don't know! Really!" Mulder
excitedly pushed all of the buttons that existed in the elevator and
smiled at Scully.
"UGH! That's why! Because you're 30-some years old and you're acting
like
a child! This is not my idea of a good time, Mulder. I'm not used to
handling this, and I'm not enjoying having to. And now my sentences
hardly make sense! I am most certainly not letting you leave Washington
D.C."
The elevator dinged and the doors opened, but since Mulder had found it
necessary to push every button, the agents didn't actually make to
Skinner's office for some time.
Scully was oblivious to Mulder's relentless comments and questioning as
she pulled him through the corridors of FBI headquarters. Almost there.
Almost there, she said to herself, as they were only a few twists and
turns away from Skinner's office.
"Ouch! Scully!" Mulder virtually screamed at her. Scully ignored his
gratuitous comment and pulled him along after her again. "Scully!
Scully,
you're hurting me!"
Scully looked down at where she held Mulder's hand. She realized that
she
was squeezing it much too tight. "I'm sorry, Mulder," she said with a
coldness in her voice that sent a chill up Mulder's back.
"Scully," he said, looking a little frightened, "are you gonna hurt me?"
He gulped.
"Not unless it becomes necessary," she answered.
Finally, they reached Skinner's office, and his secretary led them
inside.
"Hello, Agents. Agent Mulder, nice to see you vertical again. Can I help
you two with something?"
Before Mulder could consider saying something Scully would regret, she
replied, "Yes, sir. Agent Mulder and I were wondering if maybe we could
hold off on going to Disney World right now."
"Why, Agent Scully? I thought maybe you two would enjoy it."
"Usually sir, I'm sure we-" Well, she thought, at least Mulder, "-would
jump at the chance, I'm sure, but this comes at a bad time. I mean,
Agent
Mulder isn't quite himself right now-"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand the objection. The tickets have already
been purchased; you should have received them with the case file. We
need
you two on this."
" But, sir!" Scully began to protest, but Mulder interrupted.
"I actually wouldn't mind this case," he said as he gave Scully a
devilish grin.
"Scully, listen to Agent Mulder."
"Yeah, listen to me Scully!"
"No!" she screamed, "No I will not listen to you!" She then turned to AD
Skinner. "Something-Agent Mulder-There's something that he did while
investigating our last case!" she screamed and accusingly pointed a
finger at Mulder.
"Calm down, Agent Scully. What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean-sir, I honestly don't know what I mean, but if you give me the
time, I'm sure I can figure it out. Please, sir, just hand the Disney
case to someone else." Scully desperately tries to persuade the
assistant
director. "I-I may even know where to look!" Though she knew it was a
long shot, she remembered the evidence Pendrell had dropped off.
"But, Scully! We gotta-I mean, we have to do what Skinner says. He says
we go to Florida. So we go." He crossed his arms and tried to look
authoritative.
Skinner took some time to consider Scully's plea. "I'm not sure I can do
what you're asking, Agent. Do you understand?"
"Sir, I know you don't exactly owe us any favors, but believe me, I'm
not
making this up…" Scully prayed she could sway him.
"Well, Agent Scully, they really need you two on the case…"
"Yeah, Scully! Come on! It'll be fun!"
It occurred to Scully that maybe she could get Mulder to make her point
for her. "So, Mulder, which ride do you want to go on first when we get
there?"
Skinner opened his mouth, but Scully held up her hand up to silence him.
Mulder's eyes lit up at the possibilities. "I dunno-Splash Mountain-No,
no! Space Mountain!" Suddenly Mulder jumped up out of his chair and
began
illustrating what it would be like. "First, you, like, zoom around," he
waved his arms to demonstrate, "then, it's like, whoosh! You go flyin'
around a curve you couldn't even see, and then…" Mulder let his voice
trail off as he noticed the look Skinner was giving him. Scully looked
triumphant. He sat back down.
Skinner raised an eyebrow. "Um-" he cleared his throat, "-on second
thought, perhaps it would be better if you just stayed here. Agent
Scully, why don't you go do… whatever it is you need to do. You two are
off the Disney case."
Scully looked relieved, and Mulder pouted. She patted him on the
shoulder
as she led him out and said, "Maybe next year."
"Uh, Agent Scully? Can I speak with you?"
"Of course, sir. What is it?"
"Is Agent Mulder… intoxicated?"
Scully looked uncomfortable, and tried to think of the best answer. She
sighed, and decided to just tell Skinner what she knew. "Well, I don't
know what's causing Agent Mulder to act this way. But I think I may have
a chance to find out. I need to get back downstairs; I'll let you know
if
I find anything."
Skinner nodded. "All right, be sure you do."
Scully led Mulder back down to the basement. Luckily, he was too
disappointed to resist. When they got back inside the office she told
Mulder to sit down-and not to rock in his chair. He still looked
unhappy,
so Scully told him he could play with the wind-up teeth he had sitting
on
his desk. He was instantly exuberant again and took the teeth onto the
floor. While he was occupied with the dancing teeth, Scully looked at
the
results Agent Pendrell had dropped off.
"Look, Scully, look!" Mulder cried, pointing to the teeth and giggling.
"Yes. I see, Mulder. You have fun, now." She went back to looking over
the report. Apparently, some of Mulder's DNA had been discovered during
the testing. "Mulder, you touched the evidence?"
He looked horrified at the accusation, like a little kid who just got
caught doing something he knows is wrong. "I didn't touch nothing,
Scully! I swear!"
"Yes, Mulder. Yes you did. It's right here, the evidence says so."
"It's lying to you, Scully! Don't believe the lie! Hmm… lie rhymes with
pie… I'm hungry Scully."
Scully glanced at her watch: it was 7:30. "We should get some dinner…
But
then again, I can't let you home alone like this." She realized. The
thought of Mulder in the driver's seat of a car frightened her. "Why
don't you and the teeth just come with me, Mulder. Okay? We'll go get
something to eat, and then… and then you can sleep over my house."
Scully
sounded less then pleased with the idea.
"Okay!" Mulder seemed less reluctant. In fact, he pulled Scully out by
the arm, and she just barely had time to grab her purse. "What're we
gonna eat, huh? I like ice cream! I could eat it everyday and every
night
forever and ever!"
"We'll see, Mulder."
They eventually made it to the parking lot, and got into Scully's car.
"Can I drive, Scully?"
"No, Mulder, I'm afraid not."
"But I got some keys!" he announced, dangling them in her face.
"Yes, you do. But I think it would be better if I drive this time." She
gently took the keys from him, and then thought about what else he had
that maybe he shouldn't. "Mulder, I need you to do me a favor. Could you
hand me your gun? Please?"
Mulder brightened at the idea. "Oh, yeah! I have a gun! Cool!" He took
it
out to admire it.
"No, not cool." Scully took the gun out of his hand before he could
experiment with the trigger.
They finally got into Scully's car, and made it out of the parking lot.
About half way through the car ride, Mulder decided he had a question.
"Scully?"
"Yes?"
"Are we there yet?"
"No."
"Well… Are we almost there?"
"No."
"How 'bout… NOW?!"
"NO!" Scully yelled, getting annoyed.
Mulder kept up these antics all the way to Scully's apartment. At last,
they made it inside. Once in her apartment, Scully looked around the
kitchen for something to make. She found some leftover fried chicken,
some instant mashed potatoes, and some corn. While she was preparing
dinner, Mulder sat down and watched some TV.
"Okay, come on, dinner's ready." Scully called after a while.
"On a commercial."
"No. Now."
"On. A. Commercial!" Mulder said, mocking her tone.
"Mulder… Don't make me come in there!" Scully warned.
He reluctantly clicked off the television and sat down at the table.
Scully set down a full plate in front of him, and then served herself
and
sat down across from him. They ate in silence. When she was finished,
Scully looked over to Mulder's dish. She got up and took her plate into
the kitchen. When she came back in, she looked at Mulder's plate.
"You can have some ice cream as soon as you're done."
"But I am done."
"Mulder, I still see corn."
"I don't want the corn."
"Mulder, eat the corn."
"No, I don't want to eat the corn."
"EAT THE CORN!"
"No! No corn!"
"Damn it, Mulder!" Scully pounded her fist on the table and sent
Mulder's
plate flying. Now there was corn everywhere.
There was silence for a moment. Then Mulder spoke up.
"Well… I can't eat it now!" he smiled.
Scully went back into the kitchen and pounded around making as much
noise
as she possibly could. Soon, she came out with a bowl of cookie dough
ice
cream. She slammed it down on the table.
"Sit down, shut up, and eat this, while I clean up. Your corn! And no
more TV afterwards."
"But there was this really cool cartoon on TV!"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Because, uh," Scully paused for a moment. It was Mulder she was talking
to-even if he happened to be emotionally four years old, she knew she
needed a good excuse to satisfy him. "Because it's almost your bed
time."
"Bed time?" He asked curiously, "But Scully, I don't have a bed time.
I'm
thirty-"
"Mulder, you're four."
"No! I really am four-um, thirty… um," Mulder paused to count his
fingers, "thirty two? Wait! No, that's not right." He looked highly
disappointed because he didn't even know how old he was and-"Geez,
Scully! I can't even count! I'm confused. And-" Mulder yawned.
"Don't worry about it, Mulder. Just get some sleep." Scully took his
hand
and led him over to the guest room.
"No! I don't wanna sleep here!"
"Mulder," Scully warned.
"But Scully!"
"I'm going to count to three, Mulder. If you're not in bed before three,
then you'll be very, very sorry. One…"
"But-"
"Two…"
"NO! I wanna sleep on the couch! I gotta sleep on the couch." Mulder
whined to Scully.
Scully rolled her eyes. "Okay, Fox." She purposely said his first name
to
see if it would irritate him at all.
"Huh?" he responded, "Oh, yeah, uh, where am I?" He looked around the
room, confused.
Oh, great. He's so tired that he can't even think straight, Scully
thought. "The couch is over here, Fox." She steered him in the direction
of the couch.
"Mmmkay," he said absent mindedly while nodding his head.
Scully sat him down on her couch, which, she noted, wasn't quite as long
as Mulder, but he didn't seem to mind. He stretched out and looked very
comfortable. Scully went to her closet and got out an afghan and a Dirt
Devil, and once Mulder was tucked in, she took care of the corn. When
she
was satisfied, she put the Devil away and got dressed for bed. She
flicked off the lights and curled up, hoping she could leave him out
there alone for the whole night.
***
Mulder slept soundly for about an hour then he woke up and realized that
he had to go to the bathroom. He slowly peeped his head out from behind
the covers. Good, there were no monsters with malevolent glowing red
eyes. He slowly peeked under the couch for any "couch monsters" and
after
he was satisfied that there were none, he stealthily maneuvered his way
to the bathroom.
After he was finished, he ran back to the couch, jumped onto it, and
pulled the covers over his head before anything could eat him.
Eventually
he fell asleep.
***
Suddenly, Mulder heard heavy breathing from outside the covers. He
ventured to slowly slide his head out from under the afghan, when he saw
it. The Creature. Oh no! It found me! Back under the covers, quick! He
threw the covers back over his head as fast as he could, and soon
discovered that the afghan was not quite big enough to cover his whole
body. Oh no! My FEET! It will get my FEET! Well, I will have to
sacrifice
a few limbs to save myself. He thought sadly. He could still hear the
monster's labored breathing. It was moving around to the end of the
couch… to his exposed extremities. He could just feel the monster's hot
breath on his toes when he sprang up out of bed-well, couch.
"I gotta get the heck out of here! Scully! Scully!"
Scully heard noises coming from outside her door. She groggily got up
and
went to the doorway. Standing outside was a really terrified Mulder. "
Mulder, what the he-heck is going on here? It's the middle of the night,
can we just get some sleep, please?"
"But Scully… The Creature… It will get me!"
"What creature, Mulder?"
"The bed monster! It tried to eat my feet! I did, I saw it!"
"Mulder, I think you just had a bad dream. Just go lie down and
everything will be all right in the morning-"
"No, Scully, I can't go back out there… It's waiting. It's waiting for
me
to come back so it can finish me off!"
"Well, Mulder, what do you purpose I do about this nonexistent monster?"
She put her hands on her hips.
"Scully?" Mulder said in a small voice.
"Yes, Mulder?"
"Can I sleep in your room tonight?"
"No. Definitely not."
"But please, Scully?!"
"Mulder, we can't. It would go against protocol. You do remember
protocol, don't you?"
"Yes, I do. But the bed monster doesn't! He's after me, Scully! If you
make me go out there, you will never see me again!" he gave her a
pitiful
puppy-dog face look.
"But… Oh hell. Fine. But just this once!"
Mulder broke into a smile and leapt onto Scully's bed. "I'll try not to
hog the covers." He said as he sucked his thumb.
Scully looked like she was on the brink of just plain breaking down, but
she decided to forget about it and get some sleep-if that were at all
possible. Just remember, he's four. He's emotionally four. He's four.
He's four…
Eventually, they both drifted off. And Mulder did hog the covers.
***
The next morning, Scully was more than a little surprised to find Mulder
in bed next to her. Then she slowly remembered the events of the
previous
night. She tried to get out of bed quietly and not wake him, but she
failed. He sprang out of bed looking quite refreshed.
"'Morning!" Mulder said cheerfully.
"Yeah. Sure. Good morning." Scully answered, feeling less refreshed. "I
need some coffee. Want so-Never mind."
"Um… uh… Chocolate milk!" Mulder exclaimed.
"All right, I'll make some."
Mulder rushed out into the living room and plopped down on the couch and
the rumpled afghan.
"Oh, so now you're not afraid of the couch?"
"Scully, everyone knows monsters can't come out in the day!" Mulder gave
her a look of disdain.
"Okay, whatever." Scully continued mixing the coffee and chocolate milk
and Mulder switched on the TV.
"Cartoons!"
I change my mind. I never, ever want children.
A few minutes later she brought them each out a mug of brown liquid,
careful to remember which was which. She had given him the Sesame Street
mug her godson had left at her apartment. Mulder didn't seem to notice;
he was too engrossed in the Garfield episode he was watching.
Scully sighed and wondered if she should take Mulder in for a CAT scan.
He definitely was losing it. But was there ever a case of insanity where
one thinks they are a child? She didn't know. Out of a fear that Mulder
might end up in an insane asylum, she decided to use a different
approach: The Lone Gunmen.
She smiled at Mulder and said "Hey, Fox? After you finish your
breakfast,
go get changed. We're going to go somewhere, okay?"
Mulder perked up. "Yes! Where we go'n? Someplace fun?"
"Uh… yeah. Sure, fine, whatever you say."
"Woo-hoo!"
Scully just shook her head and went to get dressed. Mulder only had one
pair of clothes with him, so he couldn't change. When they were ready to
go, Scully locked up and took Mulder down to the car. Hesitantly, she
sped off to see the Lone Gunmen.
When they came near the place, Scully stopped and parked. She and Mulder
walked the rest of the way. While they were walking Scully took a look
at
Mulder.
"Mulder! You could've done something about your hair!"
Mulder reached up and felt his bed head. "But it looks fine." He tried
smoothing it down, but it didn't make much of a difference.
"Oh forget it. We're here." Scully knocked and looked up at the video
camera. "Open up, it's us!"
The door opened slowly. Frohike was on the other side. "Well, good
morning, Agent Scully." Frohike said with a smile. "Mulder." He said
with
a nod. He led them both inside.
"Hey. What brings you two here so early?" Byers asked.
"Me!" Mulder announced, proudly pointing at himself.
"An emergency." Scully answered. "It seems Agent Mulder is having some
sort of midlife crisis or something. Well, no, not that simple.
Something
happened to make Mulder have the social skills-the skills in general-of
a
four year old. We're not quite sure what caused it, but we would like to
reverse the effects as soon as physically possible."
Langly looked amused. "So, what you're saying is that Mulder thinks he's
four?"
"No, not exactly, but he acts like it. He still knows he should be
older.
This most likely has something to do with the last case we worked on.
Agent Mulder decided he needed to touch some of the evidence," She gave
Mulder a look, "and so, here we are. Again."
"What's that supposed to mean, Scully?" Mulder asked.
"It means every time you do something stupid we come running to your
weird friends! No offense." She added, looking at the Lone Gunmen.
"None taken." Frohike said with a smile.
"How can we help?" Byers asked.
"Well, on our last case we went out to Virginia to see a man who thought
that maybe he had found the fountain of youth out in his backyard. What
I
think happened was that Agent Mulder just couldn't keep his hands to
himself. I think maybe the water was drugged, I didn't really get a good
look at the results before I had to take Mulder home and feed him."
Scully instantly regretted saying this.
"So, you and Mulder had dinner together last night?" Langly asked,
raising an eyebrow.
"Uh… yeah!" Mulder answered innocently. "Speakin' of food, we didn't get
any breakfast."
"Later, Mulder, this is more important. Could you guys maybe retest the
water and tell me what you find?"
"Sure, we'll give a try." Byers said, taking the vial that Scully handed
him.
After about an hour, the Gunmen had done all they could do.
"Well, Agent Scully, I'm sorry, but this is nothing more than ordinary
H2O-with some kind of unidentifiable substance in it." Langly said, much
to Scully's disappointment.
"NOW can we get something to eat, Scully?" Mulder whined.
"Mulder…" Scully really, really wanted to smack him, but refrained from
doing so. She closed her eyes and counted slowly to ten to regain her
composure.
"Maybe Mulder should try touching the substance again," Frohike said.
"No!" Scully screamed at him.
"Why not?" asked Mulder.
"Because it might make you worse, Mulder. And I honestly don't know how
much longer I can take it!"
"Scully," Langly said, "maybe you should call up that hick again and see
if he knows anything about it."
Scully looked surprised. Why didn't she think of that? "Of course! I was
just going to do that!"
"No you weren't!" Mulder yelled back.
"Shut up, Mulder."
"Okay."
***
About an hour later Scully hung up the phone. Mr. Evans had said that he
needed to keep on drinking the substance because it would wear off. How
long before it would wear off? He had said approximately twenty-four
hours. Just hang in there, Mulder, she thought.
Mulder found a swivel chair by one of the Gunmens' desks and sat down in
it. Before long, he was spinning around like a well-dressed whirlwind.
"Must've been the chocolate chips in those cookies we gave him. They
made
him hyper." Langly joked.
Mulder kept spinning faster and faster, and just as Scully was about to
tell him to stop before he hurt himself or someone else, he went flying
off the chair and slammed into a large metal piece of equipment before
falling to the ground. Everyone was silent, waiting to see what would
happen. Suddenly, Mulder burst out into hysterical laughter, laughing so
hard he was crying.
"Oh, God. Now he's really lost it!" Scully moaned. She stooped down to
make sure Mulder was okay. He seemed fine except for a nasty bump on his
head. Then, just as suddenly as he had begun laughing, he stopped, and
passed out.
The last thing he heard was Scully saying, "We have to get him to a
doctor!"
***
When Mulder opened his eyes, he was in a dimly lit, white room on a bed.
A bed? Something's wrong with this picture. He thought. He tried to sit
up and look around, but someone's hand on his shoulder restrained him.
"No, Mulder, just lay down. You need to relax a little before you get
up." It was Scully.
"Huh? Where am I?"
"You're in a hospital, Fox. It'll be okay, you just got a little bump on
the head."
Why the hell is she talking to me like I'm a kindergartener? Mulder
thought to himself.
"Do you want something to drink?"
"Scully, I thought we'd been over the name thing…"
"What are you talking about?"
"Y-you just called me Fox."
"You didn't mind before." Scully said, giving him a motherly look.
"Before what? When before? You always call me Mulder!"
"Ever since your little problem. Do you need to go to the bathroom, or
anything?"
"Scully, if I did, I think I could manage on my own. What problem?
What's
going on here? What day is it?"
"It's still Saturday. Don't you remember, you were watching the cartoons
this morning?"
"What?! The last thing I remember was talking to Mr. Evans on his farm.
And that was yesterday."
"Yes. It was. Are you sure you don't remember anything after that?"
"Yeah, pretty sure. And by the way, yes, I do have to go to the
bathroom.
Excuse me."
"Be careful."
Mulder just gave her a look.
While he was in the bathroom, the Lone Gunmen came by to see how he was
doing.
"I'm not sure. He claims he doesn't remember the past day and a half.
And
he seems to be back to normal. I guess what ever he was drugged with
wore
off."
Mulder returned shortly.
"So, Mulder, how old are you today?" Langly asked with a smile.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Just then Skinner walked in. "Glad you're feeling better, Agent Mulder."
When he saw the Skinner, he threw his hands up in the air. "What is
this?
Does everyone know I'm in here?"
Scully looked amused. "Maybe we should all go and let you recuperate."
"I'm fine, other than I can't remember a damn thing after Mr. Evan's
farm."
"Not even the 'Captain Proton' comic book?"
"Hey! I used to love 'Captain Proton' when I was a kid!"
"How about the bed monster? Or better yet, the corn!" Scully demanded,
trying to hide a smile.
"What's this about corn, Agent Scully? I thought you were going to find
out what was wrong with him." Skinner said.
"Well, sir, I'm afraid we ran into some problems. I'm still not certain
what caused Agent Mulder's strange behavior, and it looks as if we'll
never know."
Mulder had been strangely silent during this exchange. Finally he spoke
up. "Hmm… I never liked corn…"
<<THE END>>
End Story at 11.20.99.
