03/04/02 8:30PM - OMG the Wendy's new Mandirin Orange Chicken Salad is SOOOOO F*@#!NG good!!! I just had it today for lunch and I was craving another before I even finished scarfing down the first bowl. of course, I practiced some self restraint and didn't but mmmmm.... It was delish! I just took a look at the grad schools in the New York City area. I looked at their course offerings and their admissions requirements. I am officially depressed again. I had a meeting with our office manager today. Apparently they see some sort of spark in me that I don't - they have more confidence in me than I do. What a scary thought... someone thinks that I'm smart AND I'm competent? They must be on drugs... So I'm going to get myself a pint of ice cream and have it for dinner. Maybe that will make me feel better I'm very into Ben and Jerry's Jerry's Jubalee (Cherry Garcia and Chocolate Fudge Brownie mixed in one pint...mmm)_ 03/03/02 9:38PM - I figured it was probably time to updae again. I didn't really have access to my Geocities account while I was on NYC because of a firewall on my sister's computer there. I had access on the east coast, but I would be working on a VERY SLOW dial up modem. Eeech... I probably would have torn my hair out form sheer frustration. In any case, i've been home for a little over a week now. It seems strage though - I feel as if I've been back for a long time. Maybe I am just losing my sense of time. New York was pretty cool. Actually, my entire trip was very nice and relaxing. The weather was great, and I didn't have to wear 6 layers everyday to go out (so I ended up over-packing, but that's okay). Since I had been to both NYC and Boston before, i wasn't stressed to go see and do everything. I was very leisurely about going places and just spent the most of my time enjoying some R&R time. How often does one get to do that? My trip was divided into 3 sections 1 week with all the family, 5 days in Boston, and 4 days back in NYC with just my sister and her family. The first part was nice. I ate home-cooked meals every day. Spent time with my family going to Chinatown and trying to get into shows with my sister. I spent a great deal of my time in NYC playing with my nephew (who is the cutest little thing on earth). After working with kids that have pervasive developmental disorders, it's so amazing to me to watch my nephew grow and acquire skills at the rate of normal children. I got sick on the 13th and spent the evening paying homage to the porclean goddess - and on the 14th, we had another family meal at home, where we found out my sister is 6 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child (hopefully it'll be a boy so he can get James' hand-me-downs). Boston was cool. I spent some time hanging out and talking with my friend Chad. He was working during most of my visit, so I was free to go anywhere and do anything during most of my days. His roomates were very nice, and his girlfriend was very cool. Most of the time, I would leave the apartment for like 5-6 hours at a time and just wander about Boston without a map. I think that's the best way to discover a city. Then I'd go back to the apartment and nap for 3 hours and then get dinner by myself. I was constantly feeling fatigued for some reason, but I think it was my body's way of fending off getting sick (b/c everyone was coming down with the flu around me ). It was just nice to not really have any commitments or responsibitlites - to do as I please, when I please; and the best part is that I was able to hang out with some really nice people. My final days in NYC were very much like my days in Boston. I ended up not purcahsing a Mertrocard so I spent the majority of my remaining days walking about the upper east side. I went to the Frick, the Met and the MOMA to enjoy all the art in the museums; and did some shopping on Madison and 5th avenue. Not too exciting, but also not very stressful - which is just the way I like it. It's kind of strange how now one week after I return home, it's as if my entire vacation just happened in the blink of an eye. Seriously, everything seems like a far-off dream to me. I'm thinking of going back to NYC again after my sister has her baby. Perhaps I'll head out at the end of October or so and spend my remaining vacation days with my sister. In the mean time, I have to start studying and prepping myself for the GRE's. I'm completely at a loss as to what i want to do for grad school. I'm so scared. I don't really like the though of growing up. Everything about my future seems so uncertain to me now. I'm fairly sure that eventually everything will work itself out over a period of time - I just can't stand the waiting. 02/05/02 8:55PM - 3 more days till I leave for a vacation on the East Coast. I cannot wait. It felt like such a distant thing, but it sure has come up fast. I don't feel as if I am going to have enough time to get all my affairs taken care of. The again, I'm sure I am just worrying a bit too much, and everything will all work out in the end. It is a well deserved vacation and I am very excited to go. I just really want to be swept away and not have any responsibilities for a while. Is that really too much to ask? I am adding new pictures up. Not too many, just a few. I haven't figured out where they're going yet, but they're going to be added somewhere. I was just pondering a brief thought while I was searching my room for pictures. I found my old little photo wallet filled with pictures of "friends" from high school and Jr high. I realize, I only really have a handful of really close friends that I still talk with and even fewer that I talk to on a regular basis. I wonder about all the people that have come and go - have I touched their lives in any way? For the friends who have known me for a long time - have I changed a lot over the years? If so, for the better, or worse? I wonder if I am growing, or have I just peaked out and am just blowing the rest of my life doing unimportant things? In the long run. what makes ME so special, and what is the point of me existing anyway? I hate getting old. It makes me think too much. 01/24/02 8:23PM - I just finished reading another novel. I often cherish the fact that I love to read. It takes me to far away places and lets me escape from reality. I love to get sucked into a story - playing all the images and emotions in my mind, getting caught up on the climax and its resolution. Sometimes, it becomes a curse, leaving me with lots of wishful thinking for a life better than the one I currently lead. So the novel I have just finished is my Haruki Murakami. I've read one other novel of his and it was just as awesome and just as spellbinding. I definately recommend his books to any serious reader. The thing is now I am left with this empty void I need to fill. The two novels I have read from him surround the themes of love, life, and death. I am living, and I will eventually die - so I feel as if I am missing love. For all the toughness and bluntness of my exterior, I still long to love and be loved. Somehow it seems like an inconceiveable dream to me. I know what I want, I long to grasp it and attain it - but it just seems so out of reach. I realize that what I desire is a strong, powerful, and rare gift - one that is not really ever found when looked for. I still cannot help but seek it out. I think I would be the luckiest person in the world if I could find that person to share my life with. The one who can look into my eyes and reach into the depths of my mind, my heart, and my soul- and know everything out me. Afterall - wasn't it DaVinci who said that the eyes were the window to the soul? I suppose that's just the hopeless romatic in me talking. I will leave you with a few passages. " She ws probably too cool, to self poseesed. Some of our classmates must have thought her cold and haughty. But I detected something else-something warm and fragile just below the surface. Something very much like a child playing hide-and- seek, hidden deep within her, yet hoping to be found. .....Something about her was unbalanced, and not many people felt she was much to look at. There was an adult part of her and part that was still a child-and they were out of sync. And this out-of-sync quality made people uneasy." -Murakami South of the Border, West of the Sun (pp.6-7) Don't get me wrong. My desire for reading is truly a gift that I too cherish. I am thankful that my mother often took me to the library when I was on pre-school. I really cherish those memories. In that sense, I am truly lucky and blessed to have been given the gift of reading and enjoying books. I hope that this is a gift passed on in may families and for many generations. 01/21/02 10:23PM - I have been going though a lot of stuff lately, and a few changes have happened in my life. I'm not going to go into too much detail - but let's just say that severing friendships can be a necessary evil for one's own sanity. In any case, there's drama - yet I have been very stress -ree for the past few weeks. Hopefully, things will get simple and peaceful soon enough. I'm just sitting here, laying low until the storm passes. In the interim I'm making plans for my upcoming trip to the East Coast. It will be a much needed vacation, and I cannot wait to get away. 2 weeks seem so close, yet so far away. I'm starting to do my laundry and am setting aside clothes to pack. I'll freeze my ass off, but it'll be worth it in the long run. I'm still looking (passively) for someone to share my life with. I know i'm extremely picky - so this will be like finding an invisible needle - in a 2 ton haystack - at the end of the rainbow - which is hidden under the pot of gold (Which, as it turns out really isn't gold, but foil covered chocolates). Of course to get to any of that, you'll have to first survive being pelted by a heavy hail of Skittles rainbow candies. If you make it through without any major injuries and concusions, you're 1/4 of the way there. Where was I? All the sudden I have an urge for a Twix Bar. So I LOVE guys with great minds. I find an intelligent and witty mind incredibly sexy and attractive. Sadly, I have yet to find a male that posses such a mind (- other than some of my male freinds, but I'd never date any of them for the sheer fact that they are like my brothers and that would be like committing incest. EWW!). *sigh* So what I'm left with is a collection of online journals I surf regulary and just wishing that I can find some of those traits in a REAL man in my vicinity. 01/06/02 3:05PM - So far, I have watched Harry Potter twice. Both times I thought the Quidditch captain for Gryffindor was HOT. Too bad he's only 18. *sigh* it figures. Just my luck. Then again, on the bright side, my sis says "he's legal." =) |