By the age of 13/14 years my sexuality started expressing itself,i started feeling some things which were considered unappropriate by the brahminic society.Most children of that age in india have to go through it,but my feelings were different from my classmates.I was sexually attracted to boys than girls.I didn't know why i felt different,felt there is something wrong with me.So i tried to suppress those feelings,and tried to 'develop' more attraction to girls 'just like everybody else'.This lead to habit of elaborate fantasizing, daydreaming.Habit which affected my studies,social relations considerably.I didn't like to meet people,talk to them,i avoided all contacts.I felt nobody can understand me.So throughout my teenage years,i liked to be alone than with people.This obviously led to sense of loneliness,and i think my inclination to religion/spirituality.When i was 14 i started taking interest in my birth religion,i became quite religious for some time,i especially got into shaivism/shaktism,but it couldn't fill void in my soul,it couldn't cure me,so i started studying other religions,christianity,islam,judaism,zoarastriasm,all failed to satisfy me.Then i came across buddhism,found it very intriquing.I studied it for 3 years,it helped me a lot,i learned a lot.But it still failed to satisfy my sexuality.All these years of suppression had made it quite strong.Then i shifted to tantra and occult and then to wicca.I liked it a lot.It was down to earth,simple,alowed lot of freedom.But it emphasised lot on male female heterosexuality.So i drifted towards paganism and chaos magic.You are welcome to learn more about it in 'my path' section of this site.
Blessed Be!
