Chapter Eighteen "Season Eighteen"

1983

Albion/Mendocino/Caspar, California

Gene Dedicates A Love Song to Me

October ~ November

Prelude To Love Inescapably Expressed

At this time I was living in Albion, California. It was the year when it rained for four or five months straight: 1983. Even in L.A. the weather freaked out; they had hurricanes and tornados in Malibu! Finally all returned to normal and the rest of the year spun itself out in Mendocino Coast's regular fashion. One day when I'd gone into Mendocino to get my mail, I found one of the Caspar Inn flyers, which each month came out and listed all the bands playing, the dates etc. It was lying in the mud, right in front of me and I picked it up. When I looked at it, what I saw stopped me in my tracks, it just jumped out at me. It said "Friday Night, November 11, Gene Clark and The Firebyrds", and it had a picture of Gene, Michael Clarke, Peter Oliva (my first landlord when I moved up to Mendocino from L.A. in August of 1971), possibly John York (I seem to have some memory of being introduced to him and seeing him onstage etc., but that might be from 1985), and the others, but I don't remember just who they were now. I kept that damp, muddy flyer, and took it home with me. I'd been depressed because the man I'd been going out with, "Dr. Rick", (he was the head Radiologist at the Mendocino Coast Hospital), was being a jerk to me. In fact we'd had a fight just a couple of days before I found the flyer. The fight had been a week before 31 October. There goes Halloween Nite at Caspar, I had told myself. Now that I knew I was going to see Gene, after three years, the last time being at his show at McCabe's in April 1980, Dr. Rick went completely out of my mind, and my depression along with him. I made plans to buy tickets for all the Firebyrds shows, and have plenty of pot, and enough money to spend freely. So I put some away in an envelope along with the ticket. I was so happy and excited, and scared, all at the same time. I'd think, What if Gene hates me? and other silly stuff. By the week of the upcoming show, Dr. Rick and I had "made-up". I was still in-love with Gene, as well as liked and loved him, as I had always been, even after all these years. It was something I couldn't help. I had no control over my feelings for him, and I knew these were forever feelings. I imagined that if Gene did like me at all, it was just as a friend and/or as a "sister". I told myself that I had to be content with that. After all he had been married to Carlie and had Kelly and Kai; then they had got a divorce, almost exactly the same time that my own marriage to Rob's dad, Richard Buch, ended.

November

Finally, Friday 11 November arrived. All day I was euphoric and scared-to-death at the same time. I'd grown one, bonsai size pot plant that year, my first. A seasoned grower had helped me, giving me tips, and so on. I got about ten little but strong buds from it. They were magic, too, because I had grown them myself. I mixed them in with the other pot I'd gotten, and using a rolling machine with those long Zig Zag papers, I rolled several joints that looked like king size non filter cigarettes. I put these in a cute little tin that was the perfect size for a fancy cigarette case. I had some red wine, and gulped down a glass before I left, to calm my ever-increasing nervousness.

The Firebyrds were playing by the time I got to the Caspar Inn. I was lucky when I arrived because I was able to get a parking place right in front of the club. By now I was so nervous and scared that Gene either wouldn't remember me, or that he didn't like, let alone, love, me anymore. So I planned to sneak in, be as inconspicious as possible, so Gene wouldn't see me, but I could see and watch him all I wanted to. Just being close to him physically was somehow healing, calming, and so many other things that I needed and wanted. Before I went into the club, I sat in my car and smoked about two thirds of one of my joints. Then I went in, gave Declan the door man my ticket and had my hand stamped. I went to a seat at the bar near the back, close to the dance floor, so I could see the Firebyrds' show, and of course, dance, without having to struggle through a big crowd of people. I bought a glass of red wine, lit a cigarette, and settled in. I watched the show. Gene looked beautiful to me, as always. I think he may have seen me, because he looked right at me, giving me one of his deep eye-contact things; I could feel it and him all through me. I got up and danced. I'd try to dance at the edge of the others, or in the middle, but no matter how much I tried, I always ended up dancing right in front of Gene. It had always been like this from the beginning, back in Ciro's in 1965, and onward. Finally they finished the set, all disappearing into the bandroom. Leaving about half my glass of wine on the bar, I put a cocktail napkin over it, and went out on the front porch to smoke another joint. I was already pretty stoned. Then I saw Gene through the window, talking to someone at the bar near the door, so I stayed outside and smoked a cigarette. Then, when I peeked in again, he was at the other end of the bar, standing by Carlie, his ex-wife, and some other people. I thought, Well now it is safe to go back in without being noticed. So I did, believing I'd get in undetected. Gene was still standing by Carlie and the others, but he saw me. And he began staring right at me. I bought another glass of wine, not wanting to walk back to my other seat, and then gulped down almost all of it, and lit a cigarette. After only a few minutes, I went back out on the porch again and smoked some more pot. I stayed out there, hoping, I don't know what; I was "tweaked". Gene and I had always been psychic and telepathic with each other, and I could "hear" him in my head, telling me to, Get back in here! I lit another cigarette and got ready to go back in and hopefully remain inconspicious. HAH! The moment I opened the door, there was Gene, like a cat waiting for a mouse. He grabbed me in his arms, and plastered me to his body while saying, "Oh, Lyz, it's so good to see you again! It's been such a long time, huh!" and other pleasant stuff which I no longer can remember. I smiled at him and replied, "Yes! It's so great to see you, too!" and other pleasant things. Since he didn't release his hold of me, I closed my eyes and leaned my face into his shoulder and neck, thinking at him, This time I'm not letting go first! I learned that lesson way back in 1966! You will have to let go of me first! He seemed to pick up on this because he hugged me even closer to him.

Gene finally broke his hold on me and, smiling, kissed me lightly. Then he was called away to get ready for the next set. I returned to my original seat by the dance floor at the bar and finished my first glass of wine. I was in a state of ecstatic shock. Dr. Rick was in the seat next to mine, to my surprise. So it was like all of a sudden I was "his date". Dr. Rick was a Scorpio, like Gene, and I could feel his possessiveness of me. We talked for a bit, and then he said something, sarcastically, like, "Oh, I didn't know you were a Gene Clark fan." I always hated it when anyone called me a "fan" or "groupie". I love Gene's music, singing, writing, etc., but I was also his real life friend, at the very least. I was not a screaming starry-eyed fan, autograph-hound type, etc., or a "star-fucker"�which is what a groupie is, at least in my experience and opinion. I took Dr. Rick to task for that remark, and he backed down, saying that what he meant by "fan", is that it's someone who admires and likes the performer's creations: music, singing, and writing, in this case. I said "Ok, so I am a fan, of Gene's many talents." Then we danced to some of the juke box music while waiting for the Firebyrds to come back onstage and the set to begin. Finally the guys came out. Dr. Rick and I sat down, and he bought me another glass of wine. Before they started to play, Gene spoke into the mic. He said, "Here's a new song I just wrote. It's called Something About You Baby, and it is going to be on my new album, Firebyrd. This is for Lyz".Dr. Rick's entire body appeared to turn to stone, and he sat there, rigid, like a statue. I could feel his jealous vibes. I was so surprised and blown away with a kind of dazed sense of happiness, that I just sat there for a minute. A part of me wasn't sure I'd heard right, or that I was the "Liz" Gene meant. But in my heart, soul, psyche, etc., I knew it was me. As I watched Gene, intently, I felt "something" say to me, Well, what are you sitting there for? Get up here and dance! I first asked Dr. Rick if he wanted to dance with me, and he said, in a stony voice, "No, I don't want to dance." And that was that. So I got up by myself and went and started dancing.

I started at the edge of the crowd again, then I went in closer so I could try to hear and understand the words of the song. I was very stoned, not to mention very buzzed on the wine by now and it was difficult. But I heard enough. I found myself just standing there in the middle of all the dancers staring at Gene; and he looked over and made an explicit kind of eye-contact with me, and his eyes smiled into me. Then when the impact of what that song was saying, hit me, I started crying, because this was such a powerful and beautiful vindication of all I had felt, suspected he'd felt, and surely wished and hoped he felt. Now all those people who thought I was lying or crazy or both, knew differently, and, truthfully; and because this "gift" from my soulmate was the most wonderful thing to happen to me since I'd given birth to my son. Also it showed that the love I had for him was indeed mutual, even through all those years, with both of us marrying someone else and having kids with them, and then both of us getting divorced, being in relationships with other people on and off, and so on. Here, he'd declared his feelings for me, and in front of all those people; in public, to the "whole world".

Eventually I regained my composure somewhat and returned to dancing. The next thing I knew, Carlie danced up to me and pulled the two of us in front of Gene and started dancing with me. She was really beaming and smiling at me and totally friendly. At first I felt flustered and self-consciously conspicuous, but between Carlie's warm, enthusiastic friendliness and Gene's loving vibes, I relaxed and got into it. It was really fun, and wonderfully ironic that here Gene's ex-wife and I were at last companionable and friends, and both of us dancing right in front of him. I could feel the appreciative vibes coming from Gene, too. Later during the time the band was hanging out in the bar before they packed up to leave, Gene and I talked with each other for a little while. I was too afraid to ask him if he'd meant me when he'd said "Lyz" or thank him, since I wasn't sure, and he didn't say anything about it. He was as sweet and loving as he'd been since he'd greeted me.

Later, when everybody was standing on the porch getting ready to leave, Dr. Rick said some nasty thing to me, and put his arm around another lady. Of course he was trying to get back at me and make me jealous, but it wasn't working nor would it ever again. I said, "I'm sorry, Rick, but I've finally found out that there is someone in my life that if it ever came to it, you would have to step aside." And with that I left him standing there and went to my car. I was beyond happy and words fail me to try to describe all of how and what I felt.

The next day, my friend, Linda Shaw, (Viernow at that time), who'd been a friend of mine since the 1970s, and a close friend of Carlie's for far longer than me, told me that Carlie had said, "Gene meant her (meaning me) when he dedicated that song to 'Lyz' ". But I still had doubts. My self-esteem was still rather lacking then, so it was hard for me to accept that anything so desirable, beautiful, wonderful, etc., could truly be mine. Linda kept insisting Carlie was right and telling the truth. What reason would she have to lie?

I saw Gene just one more time before he left for L. A., or wherever he was going to next. It was in the Albion Market parking lot. He was in a huge camper truck with the other band members, and we just got to say, "Hi" to each other. I cried when I heard he'd gone. I had missed him already while he was still here. With Gene gone, I began thinking of moving back to L.A. myself. I knew that Gene lived there. I hated the cold climate up in Northern California and its Mendocino Coast. Rob's dad, Richard, had got his Teacher's Credential, and had finally secured a steady job, in Blythe, California, of all places. Rob was due to go live his one half a year with his dad, and Richard said I could stay with them until I'd saved up enough money to get a place to live in L.A., and that I could have Rob early to live with me too, once I was established there. I decided to go. As far as I was concerned I didn't want to date Dr. Rick anymore anyway. So on 1 January 1984, we all set out for the Sunny, Warm Southland.

(More to come...as I remember)