CANINE HUMOR
(Contributions Accepted)
First Time at a Dog Show
(with acknowledgements to the South Island Whippet Club)
First time at a dog show, I'll tell you quite plain
I'll never, no never, go near one again.
The Breeder said "Show him" when I bought my dog,
I showed him alright, the whole place was agog.
They gave me a number, they gave me a pin
But I couldn't bear to stick the thing in,
So I rushed to the shop and bought some clear glue
Then I stuck the card onto his back in the loo.
We arrived at the ringside to find we were first
In the Puppy Class (this part is the worst).
We marched in together as fast as we were able
Arrived at the judge who said "Up on the table".
This really surprised me, my skirt was quite tight,
And I just couldn't make it, try hard as I might.
The Judge looked quite worried, he said "Listen here,
Put your dog on the table, not you, my dear".
By now I was trembling, I felt such a fool
But I said to myself..."Play it cool, play it cool".
"How old?" said the Judge, I heard it quite clear
Well really, I thought, and said "Thirty next year".
The Steward, poor fellow, threw a kind of fit.
He spluttered, he coughed, and his eyes ran a bit.
"I'd have that cough seen to" I said to him when
He'd finally stopped...then he started again.
"Once round the ring, dear, as fast as you can"
Said the Judge, so I did, I just ran and ran,
But when I arrived (out of breath, I'll admit)
The Judge said "Your dog, dear" I felt like a twit.
Off round once again, I kept my head bent.
Oh the shame, my pup crouched, he just went and went.
A lady came running with bucket and spade
With manure so spicy, has she got it made.
We came back to the Judge who said with a frown
"Stand your dog". I said "Please sir, he's not lying down".
"You can take First Place stand" he said. I said "Ta".
What a job I had getting that stand into the car!
The dog is not allowed in the house.
Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
Dear Dog,
I’m sorry that you were sent to the pound for the
broken lamp that you did not break; for the goldfish you did not eat; and
for the carpet that you did not wet. Things here at the house are a lot
calmer now that you have left, but just to show you that there are no hard
feelings, I am enclosing a picture so that you will always remember me.
Your friend,
The Cat
Thanks to Toddie Clark
