Come September
Come September
It will have been ten years since the piercing.
Come September
The leaves will shrivel in the cold
and the thorns will be fully revealed.
Perhaps I will finally cry,
Come September.
I was seventeen, Bob was thirty-four. It couldn�t have been my fault.
oh but it was, it was, it always is your fault
I told him no. I told him again and again to stop.
you let him touch your breasts, you slutty whore
That didn�t give him the right to rape me.
you should have known he didn�t want you for pleasant conversation
I was a baby. I didn�t know. I thought he would listen. I didn�t know.
Rape is the piercing of selfhood;
The breaking of a door meant to be opened in love.
Pay attention, students.
The slivers of that breaking get rammed deeper into the walls of your cunt
with every tender thrust of your lover.
When I realized what he was doing my eyes and my throat closed in fear.
you didn�t scream you didn�t scream
God it hurt it hurt and who is that girl on the bed under him?
you�re just making it all up you little power-hungry brat
She asked me, have you ever used your pain as a whip?
No, never mind, I've seen you do it.
I asked her what she meant --
I am past-mistress of self-flagellation.
Have you ever stood before someone
and simply let them see the pain?
Have you publicly bled in defiance
and dared those holding guilt to look away?
I thought of the risen Christ standing silent
the wounds in his hands feet and side
defying explanation.
This pain is real, this really happened, here is my blood.
Now what are you going to do?
Steve, she just called me a pretty girl.
am i? am i a pretty girl?
Don�t look at me like that, you�re scaring me,
I didn�t tell you to look at me like that
and as I thought that, a bird hit my windshield
and died, and I wondered what the hell all that was about.
It�s been ten years since My First Rape
and that sounds like a pretty pink box in the toy store
next to My First Barbie and My First Wedding Dress.
When he was done he got off me and left the room
and still you didn�t scream
And I sat there in another world staring
touching the bloody wet place on the sheet
and thanking God I wasn�t fertile that week.
you�re changed forever you can never undo this
Let�s wrap rape up in fancy paper; we�ll put it in movies and songs.
They say you can�t rape the willing.
She was asking for it, right? After all, she�s female.
And it�s only rape if you have a loaded gun.
But perhaps the weapon between your legs qualifies?
There I go again, being such a silly girl.
you�re a dirty little whore and you wanted it and you liked it
No, that�s not true. I didn�t. I didn�t.
you�re ruined and you�re good for nothing but being a whore
No, that�s not true. I�m a person.
god turns his face from you in disgust you filthy slut
What am I going to do?
make him marry you
He won�t.
I know dozens of women who�ve been raped at least once
and five who never have been.
When a young woman says she's never, I think "yet."
If she�s over forty, I think "she's lying."
I want to believe her but my head won�t accept it
like saying she�s never ridden a bike, or touched a horse.
It�s against the law, you know, to rape a girl. And I�m not even legal.
do you really think anyone would listen to a little whore like you
Aren�t they supposed to keep this from happening?
everybody knows you were going out with him
But he hurt me, and I told him no.
you kissed him, and everybody knows it
I told them, even Dr. Barbie gets raped sometimes
and they cried and they screamed and they begged me to shut up.
The edge is too sharp, and you make others bleed with you.
I think I know what Jesus meant about bringing a sword.
Luke says he spoke of bringing fire and asked
Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth?
No, I tell you, but rather division.
Meanwhile the horses stood in the golden light against the blue-grey sky
and they nipped and kicked at one another as they absorbed
the remaining electricity from the now-passing storm
and they ran across the field like flashing
and I knew if I squinted just right, they would fly.
She asked me, have you ever used your pain as a whip?
I told her, I think I just did.
-- August 23, 2001
Elusive Gorgons: my writings