Disclaimer: This filk is based on
characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers
including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast
Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. The song
“When the Foeman Bares His Steel,” by W. S. Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan, is
taken from the operetta The Pirates of Penzance. No money is being made and no copyright or
trademark infringement is intended.
* Author’s
Note: I am sorry, deeply sorry, to have perpetuated this, but I couldn’t
help it. I heard the lyrics, and they
spoke to me, and what they said was “Lockhart.” *
Scene:
the staff room. Professor Lockhart
steps forward to sing in a deep baritone, with his many vanity photos providing
a rousing back-up chorus.
Lockhart: When the Chamber opens wide,
(Photos): Tarantara! tarantara!
I
feel terror deep inside.
(Photos): Tarantara!
And
I feel the wisest course,
Tarantara! tarantara!
Is
to bow before its force.
Tarantara!
For
when faced with peril great,
Tarantara! tarantara!
One
must tip one's hand to fate.
Tarantara!
There
is nothing we can do.
It
is sad, I fear, but true,
It
is sad, I fear, but true!
Tarantara! tarantara!, etc.
Snape: Go, Professor. Go, unless your
Claims
of valiance were but bluster.
Now
is not the time to dither.
Go to immortality!
Go
to risk and go to danger;
Go
to face that fearsome stranger;
Go
for Finch-Fetchly, Creevy, and Granger.
Go, Gilderoy, go and die!
Staff: (Gleefully) Go, Gilderoy,
go and die! Go, Gilderoy, go and die!
Lockhart: I'm afraid I don't recall,
(Photos): Tarantara!
tarantara!
Making
such a claim at all.
Tarantara!
Perhaps
you've misunderstood.
Tarantara! tarantara!
I
can see how someone could.
Tarantara!
Still
there has to be some mistake;
Those
aren't statements I would make.
Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!
For
I'm afraid I don't recall
Making
such a claim at all.
Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!
Sprout: Go, Professor, do not
linger
Go
and act as Hogwarts' saviour,
You
say you know where lies the chamber.
Go, poor Ginny for to save!
Flitwick: Though the monster's quite
ferocious,
And
its nature quite defeats us,
You've
discerned its class and genus,
Go, and face it in its cave!
Lockhart: To my office I must go,
To
prepare to meet the foe,
And
thence to launch my attack..
I
shall likely not be back.
Still,
I fear I must confess
That
I feel some small distress,
For
I'm afraid I don't recall
Making
such a claim at all.
Photos of Lockhart: Yes, we fear we don't
recall
Making
such a claim at all,
Don't
recall, not at all, don't recall,
No,
not at all!
Snape: Lockhart:
|
How
you grieved when Hagrid was caught, E'er
you with the monster fought. Your
hopes have not yet come to naught! Go,
poor Ginny for to save! McGonagall: Now,
at last, you've time to do it: Face
the creature and subdue it. We'll
clear off and leave you to it. Go,
and face it in its cave! |
Perhaps
you've misunderstood. (Photos): Tarantara, tarantara! I
can see how someone could. Tarantara! But
there must be some mistake; Tarantara, tarantara! These
aren't statements I would make-- Tarantara! To
my office I now go, Tarantara, tarantara! To
prepare to meet the foe, Tarantara! And
thence to launch my attack, Tarantara, tarantara! I
shall likely not be back, Tarantara! |
Snape: Away, away!
Lockhart: (without moving) Yes, yes,
I go.
Minerva: This monster slay.
Photos of Lockhart: Tarantara!
Snape: Why do you stay?
Photos of Lockhart: Tarantara!
McGonagall: You must not delay!
Lockhart: All right, I go.
Staff: Yes, to the Chamber go!
Yes,
to the Chamber go!
Snape & McGonagall: Yes, but you don't go!
Lockhart: I go, I go
Staff: Yes, to the Chamber go!
Yes,
to the Chamber go!
Snape & McGonagall: Yes, but you don't
go!
Lockhart: I go, I go
Staff: At last he goes!
At
last he goes!
At
last he really, really goes!
McGonagall: (spoken) Right. That's got him out from under our feet.
^_~