DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The song “1917,” excerpts from which appear at the beginning and end of this fic, belongs to David Olney and Emmylou Harris.

 

Posted by: Elspeth (AKA Elspethdixon)

Author notes: Warning: The fic has gone beyond "slashy themes" to out and out slash. And there are still references to alcohol. And it's still not in the same continuity as "Scars." It also, just in case anyone's interested, contains the first kiss scene I've ever written. It's so G-rated that it could be at the end of a Disney film, were it not for the parties involved.

 

Part II: Someone to Come Home To

Old world glory, old world fame
The old world’s gone, gone up in flames
Nothing will ever be the same
And nothing lasts forever
Oh I'd pray for him but I've forgotten how
And there's nothing, nothing that can save him now
With those haunted eyes and that funny bow

And who am I to deny him?

 

            But when morning came, Remus found himself putting off the task of gathering his things together.  Sunlight slanted in through the blinds and dawn turned into daylight and still he hadn't so much as pulled a poster down off the wall.  Staying hurt, more so every day, but in the cold light of morning the prospect of leaving seemed more painful still. 

            It was as he stood tentatively contemplating an open dresser drawer that he heard Sirius start to stir in the other bedroom.  If there was any justice in this world, the other wizard would have a headache the size of Hogwarts.  Grabbing a mug of coffee and an aspirin bottle from the kitchen, Remus headed in to say good morning.

“Moony," Sirius blinked groggily at him from beneath the tangled blanket, face still half-buried in his pillow.  "What happened last night?”

            “You mean before, or after I lost my virginity?”  The question, posed in a completely deadpan voice, slipped out before Remus remembered that, as of last night, the time for practical jokes was over. 

            “What!?!”  Sirius sat bolt upright in shock, then groaned and collapsed back onto the bed.

            “Just kidding, just kidding," Remus said quickly.  "Nothing happened; you passed out.”

            "You are an evil monster," Sirius forced out between gritted teeth, pressing both hands to his temples.  "And I hate you."

            "That's not what you said last night."  Remus let a smirk linger around his lips, watching Sirius's face turn even greener than it had been previously.  Ah yes, revenge is sweet.  Perhaps he was slightly more bitter about being forced to deal with Sirius's problems than he'd thought.

            "Oh God, what did I say?"  A look of slowly dawning horror began to replace the expression of pained misery on Sirius's face.

            "Well…" Remus let the pause drag out dramatically.  "You told me that I had beautiful eyes, and that there was a powerful and irresistible attraction between us…"

            "Oh God.  I said that?  I'm really…  M'sorry.  You weren't ever s'possed to find out--I mean, what attraction?"

            "I wasn't supposed to find out what?"  This was not the way Sirius was supposed to react.  There was supposed to be embarrassment and indignation, not frantic defensiveness.

            Sirius's entire face was suddenly suffused with colour, and his eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but at Remus.  "What I said last night.  Just forget it.  I was drunk; I didn't know what I was sayin'.  I didn't mean it.  Just forget I said anythin'," he babbled.

            "Didn't mean what, exactly?"  Remus set the hot coffee down on the bedside table and crouched down beside the bed.  "Sirius, calm down.  You didn't say anything.  You just talked a lot about the raid site you'd been to."  He looked away, not meeting Sirius's eyes.  "I shouldn't have teased you like that; I'm sorry.  Especially as there's something else we need to talk about."

            Sirius ignored Remus's hint at the need for a serious conversation, focussing solely on the first part of what he'd said.  "I didn't, didn't say anythin' about you?  About us?"

            "What 'Us'?"  Why was Sirius fixating on this?  Remus was now heartily sorry he'd ever made the attempt at a joke.  He just wanted to get this conversation over with and get to work.  He could start packing when he got home.  No, not home.  The flat wasn't going to be his home anymore.  That was the whole point of leaving.  Once again, he squashed the small, traitorous voice that whispered that home was wherever Sirius was, that home was black fur and blue eyes, and pack brothers running in the moonlight.  He refused to let the wolf do his thinking for him.

            "Ah, exactly.  There is no us.  Just what I meant."  Sirius closed his eyes again.  For a moment, those red-veined blue orbs had looked almost--disappointed?  "My head hurts too much to think.  Remus, do you have to shuffle your feet so loud?"

            "Speaking of the, ah, nonexistent 'us'," Remus began tentatively, his voice gradually growing stronger as he nerved himself up to make the announcement, "I've decided--that is, I think that--oh damn, there's no easy way to say this, is there?  I want to move out."

            "You what?"  Sirius's eyes snapped open, shocked.

            "I want to move out," Remus repeated.  "I don't, I don't think this flatmates thing is working out well."

            "Oh," Sirius said in a small voice.  He sat up carefully, back resting against the bed's headboard.  "I understand," he continued.  "I mean, I work weird hours, and I'm horrible in the morning, and we're both of us terrible slobs without James around to yell at us to clean things up, so the place is a wreck, and, yeah…" his voice trailed off.  "It's probably a good idea," he began again. "I mean, my flat's a bloody great target for Death Eater attacks, and I'm turnin' into an absolute mess, and s'not fair makin' you pick up after me all the time."  He did not look at Remus as he said this, eyes instead focused on his knees.  His left hand had gone to the scar on his shoulder, fingering it absent-mindedly as he spoke, and for a second Remus could again see that fifteen year-old boy in the Shrieking Shack.  It doesn't hurt, really.  I'm fine.  I don't feel anything.

            Remus drew breath to speak, but Sirius didn't let him, instead, he rushed on, in that same, hopeless-sounding voice.  "It's not really fair to either of us, and it would probably be a good thing if you left.  You have to have guessed, from what you said just now.  I bet I did say something about it last night.  It was all I could think about, after seeing, seeing that place…  I--oh fuck me, I've probably been obvious as all Hell."

            "Say something about what?  What's been obvious?"  Remus asked confusedly.  Sirius wanted him to leave?  He thought it would be a good idea?  This hadn't been at all what Remus was expecting.  But, now that he thought back, it did make a certain amount of sense.  Sirius, except for occasions like last night, had seemed to be going out his way to avoid him lately.  Staying out late, wrapping himself in his job as if it were a protective blanket to keep Remus out, keeping himself apart from the other man even physically.  He never seemed to touch Remus anymore, except for when they wrestled on full moons or rode his bike.  No more casual punches in the arm or hands messing up his hair.  No more snatching cereal boxes or newspapers out of his hands and hitting him with them.  Only aloofness.

            "That I love you, of course.  Lust after you," he corrected himself.  "I tried to ignore it, to act normal and all.  I hoped it would go away, but it didn't.  And sharin' a flat, havin' you around all the time, just the two of us…  And now you've figured it out, and you're leavin'.  Oh, fuck."  He put one hand to his temple again, screwing his fingers into his hair. "I always screw everythin' up.  I must have blurted it out, like, last night.  Those kids looked so much like you, and all I could think about was that you might die too, or I'd die, before I ever told you."

            Remus was frozen, staring at Sirius in shock.  This couldn't be real.  He must have fallen into his own private fantasy, the one where Sirius said "Nevermind that my entire sex life up until this point has consisted of girls whose breast measurements are larger than their IQs, I love you.  I've always loved you." and then kissed him.

"Remus?" Sirius prompted.  "Remus, say somethin'.  Tell me I'm weird and give you the creeps, or whatever.  Don't just sit there gapin' at me."

            "You love me?  And you never said anything?"

            "Of course not.  Wait," Sirius suddenly looked horrified.  "You didn't know?  Then why are you leaving?"

                Remus's entire worldview did a slow flip-flop.  Sirius wanted him, loved him, lusted after him?  All those nights, when he lay in his damnably cold and empty bed dreaming about Sirius, Sirius had been doing the same about him?  It couldn't be true, was too ridiculous to be true.  It was like something out of a farce, or one of those dreadful romance novels Lily had used to read.

            "Because I can't stand to watch you destroy yourself anymore.  I can't deal with the fall out, the worry, being afraid that you'll get yourself killed before I ever…get…to…say…I..." Remus's voice trailed off into silence.  He couldn't leave now, not now that he knew that his miserable, half-suppressed longings actually had a hope of becoming reality.  "Because I love you too and it hurts to watch you be miserable and we're both a pair of absolute idiots and how long have you been in love with me and been afraid to say anything?" he blurted out.

            "Since sixth year," Sirius mumbled.  "Don't yell, please.  Wait," he turned bloodshot eyes to Remus, staring at him in amazement.  "You love me too?  But, but, I thought you liked girls."

            "Sirius, name one girl I have ever dated in my entire life, not counting taking Lily to the yule ball in fourth year.  You’re the one who always brought home girlfriends."

            "Only because I couldn't have you."  He broke off, the irony of the situation suddenly dawning on him as well.  "All I had to do was say somethin'.  We are both idiots."  He shook his head slowly, wincing slightly at the motion.  Feathers of black hair fell forward over his shoulders, and he reached up to shove a handful back behind his ear.  "And now you're leaving, and it's too late."

            "I don't have to leave."  The sentence popped out of Remus's mouth before he could stop himself.  "I haven't even packed yet."

            "Oh."  Sirius picked up the mug of coffee from the bedside table, cradling it carefully in his hands, and gulped down the aspirin.  Eyes carefully avoiding Remus's, he inspected the hot black liquid as if it were a set of tea leaves instead of merely coffee.  His hair was once again hanging in his face.  "Is there any way I could… get you to stay?"

            Put down that bloody coffee and kiss me.  "Stop drinking.  Stop taking so many stupid risks.  When something's bothering you, tell me about it."  He pulled the coffee out of Sirius's hands and set it back on the bedside table, then reached out and took Sirius's chin in his hand, tipping his face upward and forcing him to meet his eyes.  "I don't want to lose you.  I couldn't stand to lose you.  And I don't want to have to drag your heavy arse up the stairs anymore, either," he added.  "It may have escaped your notice, but you're substantially bigger than I am."

            "No," Sirius breathed, reaching up to capture Remus's fingers with his own.  "It hasn't."

            Remus, anticipating Sirius's next move, saved him the trouble of physically dragging him down onto the bed by sitting on the edge of it.  Tentatively, he reached out with his free hand and brushed back Sirius's hair, black strands clinging to his fingers.

            "Well?"

            Sirius tightened his fingers around Remus's, gripping them so hard it hurt.  "I can try.  If you help me, I can bloody well try.  Risks are harder to take, when you have someone to come home to."

            Someone to come home to.  Home sounded good.  Deep inside Remus, something furry sat up and perked up its ears.

            "Promise?" 

Sirius's eyes seemed unnaturally blue, pale and bright like a husky's.  Wide and long-lashed and fixed on Remus with an intensity that was almost frightening.  Do you want this? those eyes seemed to whisper.  Are you sure?  "I promise," he said.

And then one of his hands was on Remus's shoulder, and the other one was lacing its way through his hair, and his face was only inches away.  Remus closed his eyes, threaded his own hand more tightly into Sirius's dark tangles, and lowered his lips to Sirius's upturned face.

As first kisses went, it far surpassed that one, awkward one with Lily, all those years ago, or the handful of brief, feverish ones at school parties.  This felt right.  Sirius's lips were hot on his, hot, and yet oddly tentative.  Rough stubble scraped against Remus's face, not exactly painful, but different.  It was an uncertain kiss, lips only, light and far too brief, but it seemed to burn across his mouth like fire.  Tingling in his blood like moonlight, but without the grinding pain that the full moon always brought.

He opened his eyes again to find himself gazing straight into Sirius's arctic irises.  This close, he could see the lattices of grey around the pupils, the darker rings where iris edged into sclera.  He wanted to kiss those eyes, kiss every bit of that face; crooked, bludger-beaten nose, square jaw, high, rough-edged cheekbones, and those long-lashed, bruised-looking eyelids.  Instead, he reluctantly straightened, pulling his face away. 

"Come on," he said, rising to his feet and pulling Sirius with him.  "We've got to get ready for work.  If we spend any longer here, we won't even have time for breakfast."

Sirius grimaced.  "I don't want breakfast, just aspirin and caffeine.  I may never eat again."

Remus turned him around by the shoulders and gave him a gentle push towards the bathroom.  "Go brush your teeth and shave, then."

Sirius obediently went.  After a moment, the tantalizing sound of the shower turning on drifted out through the not-quite-closed bathroom door.  Later, Remus hissed firmly at himself, squashing the mental image of a wet and soapy Sirius.  Later.  We need to take this slow.

Suddenly, the door creaked open slightly wider, and Sirius poked his head out around it, face still half covered in shaving cream.  There were perfectly good charms that would have accomplished the same thing, but he always insisted on the muggle method of shaving.

"Remus," he asked, looking slightly overwhelmed, "is it true that werewolves mate for life?"

            Remus smiled.  "Only if they want to," he said.

 

 

Hold me 'neath the London skies
Let's not talk of how or why
Tomorrow's soon enough to die
But right now the war is over.

 

^_~