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| Once upon a time, there was a kid who had this brilliant idea. At least he thought it was brilliant. He was a big fan of the alternative rock band, Weezer. One day, he was "surfing the web," as the cool youngsters call it, and came across an awesome picture of Matt Sharp. So, he thought, "Wow, this is an awesome picture of Matt Sharp. If only I had an idea of some sort to use this image." Many hours later, he realized that there were three incredible side projects that came out of Weezer. Those being, Matt Sharp's The Rentals, Brian Bell's Space Twins and Pat Wilson's The Special Goodness. So, he then thought, "Hey, I am going to make a wallpaper for my desktop that displays not only Weezer, but all three of the other bands too. Then, I'll put a little picture of Mikey over Matt's picture, and I'll put a little Weezer logo, and, oh, man this is going to be so sweet. I am pretty skilled in the art of Microsoft Paint, so hey, let's get it on. Yes, I know there are better programs like Photoshop and Paint Shop Pro out there, but what the hell--nobody will ever notice that this wallpaper is highly unprofessional and will just enjoy it for what it is." Well, that kid was a douchebag. He put a few hours he could have been working on his math homework into making this wallpaper. Then, after staring at it for a few days, and showing it to all of his friends who didn't give a shit about it and pretended to care, he thought, "Hey, Weezer fans everywhere NEED this. I mean, it's so great. I just have to get it out to the world. I've heard a lot about this "Internet." Maybe it can be of some use." Then, came a free little program called Yahoo! GeoCities. Combined with 0% Web-making skills, that kid was ready for some serious Web Page action. Fortunately, Yahoo! provides the dumbass version of page building, and that's all it took. Elizabeth Taylor could figure out how to slap together something with this program. For about 3 months, there was nothing on the site but a thumbnail of the wallpaper loaded with a Zip file of the full 800 x 600 version for free! I mean, it could have easily been displayed at full resolution and been right-clicked and easily made anyone's wallpaper, but, hey, this was cool. This kid could actually have something available for download. Something was wrong though. Nobody on earth knew this page was in existence. So, the kid had another brilliant plan. "I'll post the address on the Weezer Message Boards, and expose this shining piece of genius. I'll be the hero of the new millennium." What a retard. Nobody liked it nor downloaded it. Big surprise. Some art student really busted on it, and this kid thought it was hilarious, so he designed a very unflattering picture of the student on Paint, called him an Ass Douche, and pasted his quote on the this site, just because. Hey, it made HIM laugh. That's all that mattered. Well, the days passed, the weather grew cold, and his chances of being laid grew slimmer by the minute. To avoid doing homework and to attempt to forget all of the failures of his miserable excuse of a life, the kid decided that he could probably put something else on the Website, just to spice up the never-visited site--ya know, for the kids. "Well," he thought, "I sure do love my cheese. And I eat way too much. Everyone tells me I need to cut down or I will die. Hey, now there's a hilarious idea! I'll make fun of my incredible unhealthiness and my short life expectancy!" Thus, Microsoft Paint was broken out and the second piece was added to the page. Now, he was getting somewhere. Actually, he wasn't--at all. "Rosie O'Donnell is a fat, disgusting, annoying, unfunny used Depends adult diaper!" I know that's what you were thinking right now. Well, surprisingly enough, the kid was thinking the exact same thing not too long after. He again used the power of inner dialogue and said to himself, "I will use my contempt toward an incredibly large, feces-looking talk show host, my sly wit and Bill Gates's powerful design application installed on every Windows system to have a little harmless fun. Within no time at all, the countdown to Rosie's marriage to a photo of meat was concieved. It soon became the focus of the site without any warning or reason. Well, as you probably guessed, this site started taking off like never before. And by "like never before," I mean "not at all." But the kid pressed on. He actually started enjoying this. Slowly, his pants rose up to his chest, and laughter spewed from the recesses of his stomach any time Dustin Diamond made an appearance. Yes, he was becoming a nerd. He began devoting WAY too much time to a website that nobody knew about and that made absolutely no sense. More and more research was done to figure out just how the hell you actually make a Website look right. Nights went sleepless. Meals went uneaten. Pornos went unwatched. The kid's life was now dedicated to uploading files, lining up pictures, figuring out why everything got royally effed up every four minutes and crying over the loss of "Grace Under Fire." Well, not so much the last one, but still, too much time was put into an already crappy site. A new logo was made, tweaking was done here and there, and he was finally happy with what he had. Still, nobody was going to the site--why? Well, this kid was really an idiot, and he hadn't submitted the site to any search engines. "So, THIS is how the 'Internet' works!" he thought. So, he did that, and they were never listed anywhere. He did it a couple months later, and still it wasn't listed anywhere. Oh well. Anyway, as the story goes, months passed, and nothing was done to the site, because it was boring, and the only people that went to it were the kid and...well, just him. He pushed Rosie's marriage back, because he was lazy, and forgot about it for awhile. Well, recently, he went back and decided to go nuts with it and do some more stuff that, again, nobody will ever see. It is supposedly humorous, but mostly not. He made a vow from the beginning that still holds true today. He promised himself that he would never ever, for any reason, put any information on his Website about himself, any quotes that he found interesting, pictures of himself or any of his friends, his favorite movies or songs, rants about stupid things, "shout-outs" to people and/or "peeps", or any of that gay stuff that everyone puts on their pages, becuase nobody cares, and it's always stupid. No gay "laugh out loud" abbreviations either. So, there you have it--a year and a half of -7% HTML knowledge later, the story of that kid's Webpage. That kid--you guessed it. It was Gary Coleman. But mine's pretty much the same. It's this one. Still not listed anywhere and still never to be seen by anyone. |
| The Incredibly Long History of |
| Mike Przybocki, Webmaestro |