TO:            RESIDENTS OF THE HALL

FROM:       THE SUPREME BEING OF THE HALL

SUBJECT:  NATIONAL DAY OF MOURNING

DATE:        4/7/2002

 

The Supreme Being’s free electric Swingline stapler broke down today.  It works no more.  This is viewed as a devastating tragedy by the Supreme Being, who has instituted a national Day of Mourning to commemorate this terrible event.

The stapler was a door prize given to the Supreme Being during her senior year in high school.  It causes her to fondly remember the event at which several hundred nerds got together and tried to be cool for a day.  They wore cardboard parrot shades.

This wondrous Swingline was of a special breed – clear plastic with multi-colored parts.  The Supreme Being was fascinated to see its parts snap quickly into action and staple whatever project she just finished at 3 am.  She didn’t mind that no matter how few pages she was trying to staple, it was always “third time lucky” with this stapler, nor did she mind that she couldn’t just slam her fist down on it like on a manual.

The Swingline served the Supreme Being faithfully for three years, easing her transition to college and awing her roommates with its speed and clear plastic coolness.  The stapler served as a source of comfort, amusement and amazement;  it served as a bookend and, of course, as a stapler.  It was an important part of the Supreme’s realm.

In light of these services performed above and beyond the call of duty, and of the stapler’s untimely death in the line of duty, the Supreme Being hereby institutes a national Day of Mourning, to be observed concurrent with the day the residents of the hall receive their final grades for winter quarter.

The residents shall observe the Day of Mourning by giving their own staplers a little extra care and comfort, or, in the event they do not have a stapler of their own, by gathering around a friend’s stapler and holding a commemorative ceremony.  This ceremony need not last longer than five minutes.  It’s the thought that counts.

Donations may be delivered to Room 215, where they will be forwarded to the Supreme Being.

The Supreme Being thanks you for your cooperation and understanding in this matter, and bids you good luck on all your finals.

(Disclaimer: the resident of Room 215 does not claim to be the Supreme Being, merely affiliated with her.)

 

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