| Leukemia.
The word has always been a hollow one, one you hear in passing, and you tut and say �oh what a shame.� You never really understand the severity of its meaning, the concrete feeling of the words, or the true depth of its consequences. Leukemia. Everyone always wonders what leukemia really is. It�s cancer, sure, but what kind of cancer? What does it mean? Does anyone know? Then the doctor says it. His mouth forming the words, as if the entire world will stop with that one statement. Leukemia. It is cancer. Cancer of the blood. It is almost a death sentence. Maggie Fisher was frozen in the chair her doctor had invited her to sit in. Her knuckles were white, her breath coming in short, desperate gasps. She did not know what to make of the news just delivered to her ears. She was almost positive with every fiber of her being that the constant nausea, fatigue, and spotting periods had all been due to pregnancy. Although it had been three months since she�d last been with anyone, there was a high possibility she didn�t notice until then. But she went to the doctor�s to be sure, and concerned, her doctor had told her he needed more tests done. Maggie wondered to herself what more could be told about a pregnancy. She was starting to embrace the idea of a baby, and was hoping that the doctor was not concerned for the well being of her child. That was the last thing she wanted. But much to her utter dismay, her doctor informed her that she was not pregnant at all. Not only was she crushed by the news of having no one to share her now lonely life with, she had to worry about what the future held for the other tests. A few agonizingly slow days later, Maggie was called into the office and her doctor looked graver than she had ever seen him. And then, the words came. �Maggie, you have leukemia.� It was a shock at first, and it didn�t sink in all the way. She only nodded absently, trying to remember what exactly leukemia was. Cancer, right? Well, what cancer? Was it just a sickness? A disease? What was involved? The room was quiet while Maggie thought these questions over and over in her mind. Her doctor�s face was solemn, unmoving and still. The mood of the room was very somber and Maggie did not like it at all. Trying to break the tense silence filling her ears, Maggie squirmed in her chair and said, �So what? Am I going to die?� The sheer brutal way she came out with it shocked not only her doctor, but her as well. She couldn�t believe her overall attitude at this point; surprised she wasn�t a tangled mess on the floor, weeping into her hands. Maggie felt anger rise up inside of her instead, furious beyond all reason that something like this had happened to her. �There is always that possibility, Maggie,� the doctor said honestly, watching her with his piercing, analytical eyes very carefully. �You could die from a cold. It all depends on how you treat it. There are ways for you to handle the leukemia, if you choose.� Maggie didn�t care. She knew her options, she�d read enough books about cancer and seen enough Lifetime movies to know exactly what she could do. Neither option sounded appealing, nothing seemed to prove her assumption of what was happening wrong. What was she promised with chemotherapy? Several rigorous, excruciating months of sickness, fatigue, and possible horrible side affects for a treatment that may or may not work. Why was it fair of her to stay around in Michigan with absolutely no family to help her through, waiting to die? Margaret Ann Fisher prided herself on being a strong, capable, independent woman. Ever since the death of her mother four years before, she�d been alone, no one she really cared about. Her father had never been a huge part of her life, after her parents� divorce so many years ago. There were no siblings she could cling to, no cousins, no grandparents, aunts, or uncles routing for her or able to lend a shoulder. Maggie was very much alone, and right up until that point, it had always been a thing of pride for her. Being on her own, not needing anyone. Now she was deeply regretting ever having thought such a thing. All she needed was a warm, inviting hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to lean on just to comfort her. All through her college career, she�d been on and off with boyfriends, keeping the same close-knit circle of friends. She was happy there, not realizing she was in any imminent danger or was one day going to lose contact with the people she knew. It should have been a given, though. After all, Maggie was a Michigan girl, attending MIT in Cambridge, Mass, and had no plans of making a residency in that state. But one thing she had not counted on was meeting Brad. Brad Baker was another Michiganian attending the prestigious technical school in Mass. Maggie would never forget the relationship they shared. It had been pure, unadulterated bliss. They were two twenty somethings, in a deep mix of lust, infatuation, and puppy love. Brad was as gentle as could be, he said all the right things, and he knew his way around the female body. Her only deep seated problem with the relationship came days after graduation, when Maggie was packing to return to Michigan. Maggie bit her lip, recalling the very events that had gone on that day. The boxes were packed to go, her career was planned, and she already had an apartment and a job set up in Michigan. All Maggie was waiting for was Brad to show up, help her load her car, and then follow her back to Michigan. All they�d been talking about was building a life together, moving into a house shortly their careers were off the ground, getting married, and starting a family. Maggie dreamt from the day she turned ten that one day she would be married and a mom. It was a passion she held very close to her heart, and never let anyone in on. The day Brad had brought up marriage was a memorable one as well. Anxiously, Maggie waited for Brad to show so they could leave Massachusetts and start anew. He was supposed to show at two on the dot so they would be out of the state by evening. However, two o�clock came and went. No Brad. Not even a phone call. This was so unlike Brad, not to show up when he said he would, and even if he was going to be a fraction of a second late, he was on the phone in no time, apologizing. Sweating profusely while she stalked around her dorm room, Maggie tried to dissuade the crazy, frantic thoughts from taking shape in her head. There were so many reasons he could be late and not calling� He�s lying in a ditch somewhere, bleeding, dying, or in the hospital in a coma and they could only call next of kin. His car broke down and his cell phone is dead. He got into an accident and his phone was totaled. Even six years later, sitting what felt like a million miles away in a doctor�s office, Maggie still felt the way her heart sounded, beating clumsily in her chest, waiting� She didn�t have a clue, to this day, how she made it to four o�clock without calling the police, freaking out completely, or jumping in her car and driving to Brad�s herself. The door swung open and Maggie�s entire body went cold as it was swept with relief. However, the usually bright, cheery demeanor that was Bradley Baker was not at all present. His dark brown eyes had lost their luster, the joyful smirk was gone from his face and he walked toward her the way a prisoner walks toward the electric chair. Maggie couldn�t move, she couldn�t even speak. Her usual greeting was a squeal and long jump into Brad�s arms, but her feet were cement to the floor. The look in his eyes was different, hardened, not at all the same look of the man she�d fallen so deeply in love with. There were no words passed between them for a long stretch of time. The mood could not have been more awkward, but finally, Maggie�s cracked voice spoke. �Brad,� she said, gulping. All of her assumptions about his being dead on the side of the road were quickly shot down when she noticed his apparent need to be as far away from her as possible. �What happened?� She regretted the words the exact seconds he uttered them. She did not want to know what had happened, because he did not have any telltale injuries indicating a physical reason for his tardiness. His eyes, though lifeless and dull, showed a glint of something more, something he was desperately trying to hide. With her question, she knew that little something was going to come out from hiding. �Maggie,� he sighed, not moving from his spot by the door. She didn�t like the way he said her name just then. �What?� she demanded. A new, unfamiliar wave of anger began to rise inside of her. Maggie was not an angry person and never had been. Not once in her entire twenty-four years of being had she lost it completely, but these past four years with Brad and unknowingly pushed her to the limit. �I stayed up all night, thinking about us,� he said, a voice so much unlike his own that had he not been standing in front of her, she would not know who he was at all. The fury inside continued to bubble uncontrollably, almost causing Maggie to lose her cool and reach out to hit him. �Yeah? And?� she snapped. She knew what was coming and she also knew she didn�t want to hear whatever bullshit explanation was going to be thrown at her. �Actually, I�ve been thinking about this and I think I� well, I know that� Maggie, you know how much I care about you, but I don�t love you anymore.� Maggie tried to recall the rest of the afternoon, but it was all a big blur to her. She hadn�t felt quite a blow like that and she wasn�t exactly sure how to handle it. All she distinctly remembered was losing it, screaming at Brad and losing her voice before falling to the floor in a crumpled heap, crying. �You don�t love me anymore! What is that supposed to mean? How come two weeks ago, you loved me? How come you poured on all of that crap about wanting to marry me and have a family with me if you�re just going to turn around and take it all back?� Brad was taken aback at her attitude and the pure fire pouring from her, but she did not care at that point. He deserved a sound lashing for the crap he was trying to pull with her. Four years, you�d think he�d have realized something before making such serious plans. �Fine, Brad. I don�t care. You go ahead and leave, you walk away and pretend that nothing severely significant just happened here. You turn your back on four years of wonderful, happy times, and I�ll move on, too.� Maggie didn�t think it could have gotten any worse that very moment, when Brad reported he would be staying in Mass, not only with a career and a new apartment lined up, but someone new and exciting to fill his bed. That was when the weight of the world came crashing down on her shoulders and she buckled under the strain. Crying, sobbing her heart out in the main room of her dorm, Maggie felt as helpless as a child, so vulnerable and open. She had to leave MIT, driving by her lonesome, sick with the fact that her entire beautifully planned future was completely destroyed within the course of a ten-minute conversation. Marriage, children, a home, family� gone. Maggie flashed back to reality, staring at her doctor and was once again struck with the reminder that she was alone, unwed, no family, and there was probably a good chance she wasn�t going to get any of that soon. Of course, due totally to her circumstances. Maggie was seriously starting to wonder. If she had honestly feared she�d never be married with a family, she probably would have made an extra effort, right? It would have been a hunt, on the look out for potential husbands, her soul mate, her �other half.� That�s what she liked to imagine it as. She was only half of a whole person, and she needed to find her other half to make her life, her world for that matter, complete. Now she was faced with a terminal illness, something that could very possibly be the end of everything she knew. How long would she have to finish what she wanted to finish? That list of things to do before she died� How much time did she have to fulfill all of her wishes? How much strength would she have to do all the things she wanted if she was tied down to chemotherapy? It was right then that Maggie made up her mind. She stood up, once again puzzling her doctor. Her face was stone, her expression solemn and neutral. The doctor stood up as well, shocked by her abrupt decision to flee his office before going through all the red tape of treatment options. �Thank you for all your help,� she said curtly with no show of sincerity whatsoever. All she wanted was to get the hell out of there before the reality of the news started to sink in. Which it did, later that night while Maggie was cooking. Her plate crashed to the floor and her whole body heaved with sobs. An entire life full of memories, lost loves, missed opportunities, and deep regrets flooded her brain, causing her to sink into a deeper depression with every fleeting thought. After several days of moping and feeling sorry for herself, Maggie came across an old picture of her mother, waving happily with her wide, goofy grin plastered across her face. Maggie�s eyes welled up with tears once more, surveying the photo of the woman who�d raised her and taught her absolutely everything she knew. A new kind of hurt started burning inside of her, a deep and painful kind that was burning in the very center of her heart. She had no one. Nobody could cry with her and understand what she was going through. Maggie set the picture of her mother aside and saw something at the back of the closet that caught her eye. It was her junior yearbook from high school, a million years ago and thousands of miles away. Feeling quite nostalgic, Maggie grabbed the yearbook and started flipping through the pages. Again, memories blasted their way through her mind, recalling her very first prom, her new status as an important upperclassmen. Wow. The things you had to worry about at sixteen. It was baffling, the difference fourteen years made in attitude. Skimming through a couple more pages, Maggie found a picture she had posed for with her best friend at the time, Noelle Jenkins. Noelle was a year older than Maggie, but their friendship certainly reflected no age difference. From the moment they met in Maggie�s freshman year, they were inseparable. Noelle had a brutally honest way about her, blunt and to the point, but that was also part of her charm. Coupled with her good looks, tall, dark, and exotic looking, Noelle was most definitely a force to be reckoned with. She had always been a ball of fire, determined and passionate, going for what she wanted full steam ahead. Her greatest ambition had been to write a great comedy novel, and as she so wisely and so Noelle-like put it, �All the great novels are about finding yourself and melodramatic shit about money� Why can�t there be a great novel about someone who can�t control his swearing problem, or a woman who can read men�s perverse thoughts?� Maggie was a lot less creative than Noelle, so she always admired her friend�s way with words and fully encouraged her with her dreams of comedy writing. Closing the book, Maggie heaved a huge sigh, trying to remember when exactly she�d lost touch with Noelle. Excited about finally graduating, Noelle had packed all of her things and was out of her house, ready to leave for UCLA the day of commencement. They shared a tearful goodbye the day Noelle left for California, a place she knew would offer her a lot more opportunity than the small town in Michigan ever could. She promised to keep in touch with Maggie, and that someday they would meet up again and have block parties and barbecues like an old fifties sitcom. Giggling through her tears, Maggie only rolled her eyes and gave her friend a playful nudge. �You? A block party mom?� Noelle shrugged, always having been a strong willed person who didn�t like showing emotion, tried in vain to wipe the tears away from her face. �I could do it if I found the right guy.� Maggie rolled her eyes, shaping her head in disbelief. �I don�t think so. But I�ll take your word for it.� �It�ll be you, me, our husbands, our kids� we�ll all be best friends, Magpie. Just you wait and see. I have faith. You�ll probably marry some smart, rich doctor and I�ll marry a funny but idiotic moron.� �You!� Maggie said, playfully smacking her friend. �You haven�t even met the poor guy and already you�re calling him names!� �Wife practice, I suppose,� she responded, chuckling. Her eyes went serious once again. �I�m going to call you all the time, Magpie. Whenever I get the chance, I�ll write. We�re not going to lose what we have, okay?� �Promise?� �Even if we fall out of touch. I mean, in twenty years, if we remember the phone numbers and happen to come cross a note or a picture, we won�t lose what we have,� she said, breathing heavily, trying to suppress the forthcoming sobs. �We won�t fall out of touch. We�re going to have block parties and barbecues.� �You�re right.� �I�ll miss you, Noelle.� �I�ll miss you, too Maggie.� The girls spoke frequently during the year and saw each other when Christmas rolled around and during the summer break, but after Maggie took off for MIT and decided not to look back, Noelle�s schedule as a sophomore at UCLA became busier and calls less frequent. Because Maggie�s only family was her family, it only made sense for her mom to visit her in Mass as opposed to her going home to Michigan. The years flew by, and while Maggie was preoccupied with Brad and their relationship, she lost all sense of the life she led in Michigan. Reality did not play a part at all until the day Brad tore her world apart. After many bitter, lonely years focusing only on her career and relationships based only on her getting physical fulfillment, Maggie�s reality was once again disrupted by the death of her mother and only real family. It was right about then that Maggie decided she just didn�t care. All that mattered was her career, since she had absolutely no family, no real friends, and no real relationships that lasted longer than a couple of months. It came as a serious shock, this news about the cancer. Maggie didn�t really understand what it all meant. Death? Life? Sickness? Health? Where did she go? What did she do? Maggie closed the yearbook, pressed it to her chest, and sobbed violently. She was full of so many questions and left with no answers. What did it all mean? Was she going to stay in Michigan, continuing with the same routine, career only, relationships fleeting, family absent? Or should she do something about it? Peering down at her yearbook, the words Noelle had spoken so many years ago echoed in her brain. �Even if we fall out of touch. I mean, in twenty years, if we remember the phone numbers and happen to come cross a note or a picture, we won�t lose what we have.� An idea struck Maggie full force. Los Angeles. It was an absolutely perfect, foolproof idea. She would move away from the gray, dull skies of Michigan, away from impending doom, a life as boring as it was lonely. She would show up in the sunshine, buy a house, and with her extensive and superbly impressive resume, it was probably a guarantee that she would find work within a week. Not only would she further her career in a big city like LA, but she would also feel twice as good being exposed to all the natural light in California. And it would also be nice getting back in touch with Noelle. Even if their friendship was not rekindled to its former luster, at least she was familiar with someone there, and she wouldn�t be nearly as lonesome. Maggie had to remind herself, though that as excited as she was about seeing her friend, she had to remember that she was no longer a part of Noelle�s life and couldn�t selfishly throw all of her problems at her and expect her former best friend to just welcome her in, burden and all. It was unfair to plague Noelle with her problems. Maggie dropped the yearbook, stood up, and strode purposefully out to her computer. She was suddenly filled with a new kind of emotion. Determination. It didn�t take long for her to make up her mind about buying a house, packing her stuff, and preparing to leave her old home and embrace what waited for her in LA. |
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