Chapter 10

The Astronomy Tower was to be locked and closed that night. Shaia and Remus needed the privacy. Interference would completely botch the spell. Both were intent to get it right the very first and only time they would do it.

Shaia had everything set up. A blanket for comfort, more of the wolf�s bane potion, their blood, the book, her wand, and a dagger. Remus looked out the window nervously and then back at Shaia. He stepped close to her, pulled her close, and kissed her passionately. She responded to it eagerly, digging her fingers into his hair. Shaia parted her mouth open and pushed into him. He pulled away unexpectedly, gripping the sleeves of her robes tightly as he fell to his knees. Pain etches across his face and tears filled Shaia�s eyes. This was what he went through every month? This pain, this torture, this agony? It looked terrible and it killed her that there was absolutely nothing she could do to help him.

It was both the most amazing and the most revolting thing she had ever seen. Watching the man she loved more than anything transform into a ferocious beast was strange, and all she could do was stare in wonder.

Then it was done. The spot in which Remus had been standing, now stood a werewolf. It had Remus� large brown eyes and its fur was the same light color of Remus� soft hair. In most stories she had heard about werewolves, the wolf had always been described as a hideous creature, with white fangs bared and snarling. But the animal before her was one of beauty and splendor. It was Remus, but then again somehow, it wasn�t.

The wolf sat on its hind legs and peered at her curiously. The wolf�s bane potion had a definite calming effect. Shaia wasn�t sure she wanted to move toward it. But remembering the night she had found out about Remus and how foolish she�d acted then, her legs started moving and within minutes, she was started on the potion.

The spell began with an incantation and another vile of blood had to be given. This had to come from the wolf, and because it was subdued, it was supposed to be rather easy. Yet it was still going to be a challenge to Shaia�s courage.

She played with the potion a little more, stirring it with a yellow spark she emitted from the end of her wand. Her hand shook as she picked up the dagger. After sticking it in the potion, she edged slowly over toward the wolf. It was blinking at her as if trying to figure out what she was doing.

Shaia stared into the cauldron, licking her lips nervously. The spell was about to commence, and she was unbelievably nervous. She picked up the dagger and gingerly scooted toward the wolf. She picked up his paw and looked at him carefully. He blinked noncommittally.

�Oh, Remus,� she whispered, and closing her eyes, she gently made a small incision in the wolf�s paw. The wolf whimpered a little but made no sudden movement. Shaia grabbed the last vile and let a couple beads of blood drip into it. She bit her tongue in anxiousness and moved back over to the cauldron. She chanted some more of the spell while letting the blood drip back into the potion. It suddenly smoked red.

She coughed and waved the smoke out of the way. She looked back into the cauldron and swirled it around some more with her wand. She grabbed the two viles she already had, poured them into the potion, and the infusion instantly became placid. She stared nervously into it. She knew what she had to do now. She added the last few powdered roots of mandrake, took a deep breath, and whispered, �Adligare lupus.�

She dipped a large bottle in and pulled a good portion of the infusion out. After looking at the smoking goblet a couple of times, she shut her eyes tightly and brought it to her lips. With trembling fingers, she drank. The aroma of the potion was nothing compared to the bitter taste. It felt hot coursing down her throat and she felt herself gag.

Once it was all consumed, she dipped it back in for the wolf to drink. After he had lapped it up, Shaia crept close to him on her knees, wand in hand, and crouched before the docile beast. Shaia�s heart fluttered in her chest. She could see Remus� beautiful eyes blinking at her from the body of the wolf. He was so magnificent and gorgeous that it took her breath away.

A brave hand ventured upward, underneath Remus� chin. His fur felt exactly like his hair did, soft and smooth between her fingers. The wolf closed his eyes lazily, enjoying the feel of her fingers in his fur.

Shaia enjoyed being close to Remus in his wolf state. She dared to get closer and picked up her wand with her free hand. She did a simple swish and flick, calling out, �Lupinus bulla!�

Suddenly, a large dome of light surrounded Remus and Shaia. She kept the wand up, sustaining the dome of light a while longer. They were supposed to stay surrounded in it until the wolf howled. So far, the wolf remained dormant against her gentle caress. She began to grow impatient, but still didn�t want to let go of Remus. She wasn�t sure what he would do if she did.

Then just as suddenly, a low growl came from the beast in front of her. She broke from her reverie and stared at him. He was not looking at her however; he was staring into the corner of the room. Shaia frowned. The lighted dome around them was beginning to fade and Shaia pulled all of her strength together to keep it going. It wasn�t going successfully.

The wolf continued to growl at something in the corner but Shaia saw nothing. �Remus,� she whispered, trying to pull the wolf�s head back to face her own.

He appeared not to have heard and started to get more ferocious. He stood up and leered toward the place he was growling at.

�Remus, please!� she yelled unexpectedly. The wolf�s gaze then turned on hers and she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. He bent his head down and his growling grew louder.

�Remus!� she screamed and in an instant, it happened. The wolf lunged at her, grabbing her by the collar of her robes. The light dome was broken.

She screamed bloody murder as the wolf went crazy, tearing bits of her robe in to pieces with his long teeth. She smacked at the beast, trying to get him to let go of her. His grip, however, was much too tight. He continued to pull and yank at her. Shaia tried to keep from thrashing too much. If Remus were to bit her, she too, would become a werewolf.

The wolf dragged her over to the corner of the room and swung her around wildly. She felt the fear in her body slowly escalate into shock. She stopped screaming all at once and just let it happen, staring unknowingly.

Then, Shaia heard something else that only worsened her condition. Another growl came from the other corner of the room. This was a different kind of growl. It was more of a warning snarl than a dangerous one. A black figure leapt out from under a cloak of some sort and landed on top of the wolf. The wolf and the figure rolled around on top of each other, fighting and clawing, biting each other�s necks and yanking each other around.

Shaia was barely conscious enough to realize that the wolf had left and was now baying at the moon. Whatever was in the room with her was probably staying to finish her off.

But instead, she heard a very gentle and familiar voice.

�Shaia, did he bite you?�

She blinked twice and saw Sirius� face peering down at her worriedly. His face was tearstained, his eyes red, and his lip puffy and bleeding.

�I� I don�t think so,� she croaked out weakly.

�Oh, Shaia, I�m sorry. This� I didn�t want this to happen,� he whispered. �I was just trying to protect you, I knew it was a full moon and�� he stopped, realizing that he was babbling. He bent down to her, took her in his arms, and rocked her back in forth slowly. �Just sleep now.�

�I� I�� she whispered.

�Sh,� he said quietly. �Don�t talk.�

Shaia fell asleep in Sirius� arms, not even realizing where she was or what had just happened. She didn�t fully understand the consequences of anything until she felt Sirius� tears splatter on her forehead.

An aching pain throbbed right through Shaia as she opened her eyes lazily. She looked around. The last thing she remembered was being with Sirius in the Astronomy Tower� after�

She sat upright. The pain shot through her sharply and she had to lie back down. A voice came from over in the corner. �Shaia, lay back down. Go to sleep.�

She blinked a couple of times and saw she was still in the Astronomy Tower. �Sirius? Remus? What�s going on? Why am I here? What happened?�

Sirius� voice sounded so far off. �I�ll explain everything to you after you get a little more sleep.�

�No,� Shaia protested, sitting up and ignoring the pain in her body. �What happened? I distinctly remember you� and the spell� but I don�t know what�s going on.�

Sirius sighed and sat down next to Shaia. He had conjured up a blanket for her to lie on, another one that covered her, and a light emitting from the end of his wand. �I don�t know if I should tell you yet.�

�Tell me.�

�Shaia� I don�t know��

�SIRIUS! Tell me now,� she demanded, knowing that Sirius would not be able to ignore the sour tone of her voice.

He winced. �Okay, I�ll tell you. You see that, over in the corner?� he asked, pointing.

Shaia squinted and saw a silver bundle. �James� cloak?�

He nodded. �Yes, that�s what it is,� he leaned backward onto his elbows and closed his eyes tightly. �I took it from James. He doesn�t know it�s missing.�

�Why did you take it?� Shaia asked quietly, almost afraid to speak.

He ran his hands through his already messy brown hair. �I talked to Remus when you went upstairs to get him that potion. I asked him if we were going to go out tonight, since it was a full moon. He said we would after midnight and it seemed a little odd to me. We always meet in the Shrieking Shack at nightfall, no matter what. So I just watched. Both of you seemed really nervous about something, so I decided that I would follow and see. I took James� cloak after and Lily left for the library, and when I left to go to bed, I watched for you two to leave. And I followed.

�I really didn�t expect what I saw. I knew about that spell that you two were doing. I read it in the book you leant me. I was just surprised that you actually did it. It�s very advanced magic, you know.�

�I know, I know,� she said, waving him off. �Now get to the part where Remus started growling.�

�Oh, right,� he said, frowning. �Well, while I watching you two, I noticed that Remus, in a wolf state, was being surprisingly calm. I guessed it was from that potion, but I wasn�t sure. I started to change unknowingly. Then I guess, Remus smelled me and started growling. I never expected him to turn on you though. That�s when I had to act.�

Shaia vaguely remembered the attack. She recalled being too scared to move, too scared to scream. She remembered the thought that went through her mind, the one thing that scared her more than anything.

This is Remus. He�s doing it. He�s the one attacking me.

Shaia looked at Sirius, her eyes now full of tears. He was trying to conceal his own. He spoke again, in a shaky voice. �We fought for a few minutes and when he finally caught on, he ran out of here faster than I�ve ever seen him run before. I think he realized the full measure of what he had done. I changed back as soon as he left so I could tend to you. I was so scared, Shaia� so scared� you weren�t screaming at all, you were just laying there. I thought you were going to die.�

Sirius looked up and in the pale moonlight, Shaia could see the tears streaking his face. The sun was rising. Remus had to have changed back into his human form by now. Where had he gone? Shaia felt tears slipping down her cheeks in fast currents. She wanted Remus, she wanted to be with him, and ask him if everything was all right.

Shaia didn�t know what to do. Everything was suddenly blown into little pieces. Their whole plan, their spell� it had failed. What was she going to do now? She sobbed into her hands as she felt warm arms wrap around her. It was Sirius, and he too, was crying.

The next thing Shaia knew, she was asleep again. This time, however, it wasn�t the disturbing thoughts and aching pains that woke her up. It was the slamming of a door.

She sat up quickly, grabbing the covers that were wrapped around her. The room was empty, save the person who had opened the door. Sirius had long since left, and the light from the morning was spilling onto the floor of the Tower.

Her brown eyes flickered once or twice before landing on the person who had opened the door. It was Remus. She didn�t know what to do or say, so she remained still and silent. Remus didn�t know either. It was evident that he was in turmoil. He�d been crying all night. They stared at each other for a long time before Shaia stood up on shaky legs and Remus ran forward, throwing himself into her arms.

He wrapped his arms around her body, pulling her into his heaving chest. He closed his eyes and cried into her hair. �Oh, Shaia� Shaia� please� tell me you�re real, you�re not hurt. Oh, Shaia.�

�No, Remus, I�m fine, you�re here, you�re here, that�s all that matters,� she whispered against his chest.

He kissed her hair over and over again, resting his cheek on top of her head and holding her close. �Oh, Shaia�� was all he whispered.

They picked their heads up and looked at each other. Within seconds, they had laid their lips on top of each other�s, kissing frantically and desperately. Shaia ran her fingers through Remus� hair and recognized the gentle texture of the wolf the night before. He let his hands touch her face, as if trying to examine whether or not she was real.

She sighed against his touch, closing her eyes. His breathing became ragged and forced. �Shaia,� he whispered in a voice that sounded like he was in pain.

She opened her eyes to stare at him. �Yes, love?�

He stood back from her a ways and looked away from her. He was crying like it was the end of the world.

�Remus� what is it?�

He looked up at her and then pulled her close to him once again. He cried into her hair and then whispered, �I never meant to hurt you.�

�I know, Remus, I know,� she whispered. �I didn�t know it was going to happen.�

Remus said nothing, but he pulled her face up to meet his, put his hands on her cheeks and stared her in the eye. �That�s not the kind of life you need to be living, Shaia. You shouldn�t live in fear of the person you love. It�s not right.�

�I shouldn�t� but I want to, Remus, that�s the difference,� she said, putting her hands on his face desperately. �I love you.�

�I love you, too,� he said softly. �I love you so much,� he told her, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead to hers. �But I can�t do this to you anymore.�

Shaia looked up, shock appearing in her eyes. �What are you talking about?�

�You can�t be in danger, I don�t want you to get hurt,� he said quietly. �I�m dangerous, Shaia� nothing is going to change that.�

She couldn�t speak. She only dropped her jaw and stared at him, unaware of what to do. Was he letting her go? Was he going to just leave her like this? She loved him too much to just end it, or just let him end it.

�Remus, don�t leave me,� she whispered frantically. She stared at him, numb to everything that was happening.

�Shaia, I don�t want to?�

�THEN DON�T!� she screamed. �Who said you do?�

�I have to, Shaia,� he said, tears pouring down his face. She felt the cold moisture hit her hands but never seemed to pay attention. �I don�t want you to be in danger for the rest of your life. I love you too much to see you hurt.�

�I love you more than anything, don�t leave me,� she pleaded.

He kissed her then, tenderly and passionately. �I want you to know that I love you more than anything in the entire world. But I can�t be with you� I don�t know if I ever can be.�

Shaia felt hot tears pour down her cheeks. She kissed Remus in an attempt to keep him. �Don�t leave me, Remus. I need you. I don�t care about danger! I don�t care about anything other than the fact that I�m seriously in love with you! You can�t leave! Love doesn�t recognize anything but love! Being in love means taking risks! Can�t you see that?�

�You have to see this, Shaia!� he said, his voice getting raspier with each syllable. �You have to see that I love you too much to stay with you. Please� please, Shaia� let me leave you.�

�I CAN�T! I love you!�

�I love you, too,� he said, closing his eyes. �But you need to understand me, don�t let your heart risk it.�

�I�ll let my heart do whatever, thank you,� she said, pushing away from him and walking toward the window. She couldn�t believe all of this was happening� all that had happened.

�Don�t you think I�ve thought about this, Shaia?� he asked quietly, not having moved. �Why do you think it took me so long to come and see you? I was in my dorm, contemplating everything. I realized what I had done, Shaia, and I was up there, crying. I was so angry with myself for having hurt you, attacked you� when I knew the dangers of what we were doing. I had to battle with myself. Was I going to be selfish and throw caution to the wind, putting you in danger just to be with you? Or do I do the smart thing and let you go, where someone as dangerous as I am can�t harm you?�

Shaia whipped around, her curly dark blonde hair casting a magnificent halo around her features. The morning sunlight poured in around her and created an ethereal glow. Remus felt his heart break just staring at what an unbelievable person he was giving up. But it was for all of the right reasons� wasn�t it?

�You may think you�re doing the right thing, Remus� I can�t see any good in it. I can�t see either of us benefiting from the torture this is going to cause.�

�You�ll be safe.�

�LIKE HELL I WILL!� she screamed at him, her face flushing red and her brown eyes turning fiery. �Will I be safe from the many nights I�m going to cry? The years I�m going to spend wondering where you are? The agonizing hours I�ll lie awake wondering if I�ll ever see you again? I don�t think so. I�d rather be attacked, Remus. I�d rather be a werewolf. I�d rather be dead. You heard me. Dead.�

She turned around, folding her arms in front of her chest defiantly. She was going to break down again. Remus stepped forward, but stopped when he heard the icy tone in Shaia�s voice.

�Just leave.�

Remus breathed in sharply. �Shaia, are you?�

�I�m sure,� she turned around and stared at him. He was so beautiful. Because of the change, he was pale and sick looking, but it didn�t seem to matter to her. His sparkling eyes stared up at her helplessly, his long, wavy light brown hair stuck to the back of his neck in sweaty clumps. His full, passionate lips were set in a protesting manner, but he only ran his tongue absently over them and then closed it. His soft hands were trembling as he ran his fingers through that wonderful mane of hair. She wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him. She wanted to pretend none of this had happened. If she only had a Time-Turner� she had read about those in a book somewhere, but it was a very controlled object�

She wanted everything back to normal. She wanted Remus back. Remus Lupin was everything to her. What was she ever going to do without him?

They stood in front of each other, saying nothing, until Remus took the initiative, walked forward, and placed his lips on top of Shaia�s. They kissed for a long period of time, passionately and forcefully. They kissed until their lips became numb. Neither wanted to pull away. They knew what it would ultimately mean. They would be apart; they would have left each other. It would be over.

But finally, Remus pulled back, placing soft kisses on Shaia�s cheeks, her forehead, and briefly on the lips. She looked up at him one more time and then closed her eyes.

�I don�t want to see you leave,� she whispered.

He nodded and placed his hands on her face before he backed away slowly, surreptitiously, and left the Astronomy Tower, never to hold Shaia again.

She opened her eyes five minutes later and saw the room empty. Her eyes misted in tears and she fell to the floor sobbing.