Accentuating the Positive

By shifting the focus from what your child does wrong to what the child does well, you'll avoid stressful confrontations, helping build your child's esteem and provide motivation for growth and good behavior.

Criticism doesn't usually work with children. Children with ADHD may hear it more often than their peers and become highly defensive, fueling feelings of hurt and anger. When these emotions take over, it doesn't matter whether your advice is helpful or not. Some children with ADHD lack the language skills and self-control to respond appropriately.

What Helps

Rather than criticize, try to redirect and motivate your child. Here are some suggestions:

• Depersonalize remarks: try, "It might be better this way." instead of "You're not doing it right."
• Tell them what you want them to do: try, "Let me help you put these clothes away," rather than, "Don't throw your clothes on the floor."
• Encourage rather than criticize: try. "The dog really likes it when you feed her on time," rather than "You always forget to feed the dog."
• Catch them being good: "I really liked the way you helped your sister."
• Shape behavior: Praise for small accomplishments ("Wow! Look at that handwriting!") inspires children to achieve even more.

Some children with ADHD have difficulty regulating their emotions and may need to be taught how to cool down. Many experts recommend, "positive self-talk," a skill that helps the child understand, "This is not about me, it's about a situation I can control." It helps when children learn to say to themsleves:

• "I can handle this."
• "Take deep breaths and stay cool."
• "I'm getting mad. I won't let him get to me."
• "I can control my feelings."
• "I don't want to lose it."
• "I've done it before and I can do it now."
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Role-play with children to rehearse self-talk skills so they'll learn this calming-down skill. Other activities such as playing with a dog, solitaire, and video games or taking a walk may help shift focus from criticism to something positive.

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