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24th May 2009

Unemployment doesn't really suit me. I am way too good at not making good use of time. I do eventually do something with my day, but it's not normally until the middle of the afternoon until I feel like I should make my day count for something.

It's been a week or two since I sent off my application on some PGCE courses. Timing has been far from perfect, but that wasn't really in my control at the time - and I feel good for having gone for it. If I don't hear back from them in another two weeks then I think I can consider myself unsuccessful this year. However after the week's observation experience at Tenison's went so well I'm thinking of going for one of their teaching assistant's roles from September, so that might at least be some money coming in.

A traditional job-hunt has not yet begun proper because my lazy ex-employers have only recently sent me my paperwork, and also because I am now set against office work if I can avoid it. I'm going to register as unemployed for the NICs but that's about it. I'm looking to see about volunteering with youth groups and generally trying to get some experience working with children so I have more to add to the CV.

Hedging my bets against one specific teaching assistant's job at Tenison's might seem unwise, and is not how I would normally do things, but I want to totally change the direction of my career, and if I have to wait a few months with no income then I hope it will be worth it.

In the mean-time I have proved good at filling most of my time in catching up with old friends, one of whom I had not seen for exactly six years. Impossible to believe when we get one so well, but that's life. I'm also finding lots of stupid little things take up a lot of my time like tidying stuff up (because I never seem to spend much time at home any more).

§'s exams have started again - just the two this year thank God. One last Wednesday and the last one ever next Wednesday. I'm driving her back up to Leicester and hope she'll do as well as she did last week. She seemed about as relaxed as could be and got through the whole three hour ordeal pretty seamlessly. It was quite interesting to wander around the city where she has spent so much of her time these last couple of years - wondering which pubs and bars she knows well, which restaurants she would recommend over others.

So yeah - blagh. None of the people I have left a contact number with at the office have seen fit to keep up with me. I find it funny how we all are totally guilty at being crap with keeping up with people if they are not in our direct line of sight. I'm no better - I have left it off and off updating this bloody blog, and I finally feel good about getting to it.

The big mystery is a half-suprise gettaway for § after her exams. I just want to give her a bit of time off from the world. Looking forward to that.

I seem to have far less to say than I thought. I'll round this up here then.

15:25 24/05/2009

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5th April 2009

Things have happened quickly the last couple of weeks:

• I lost my job - yeah.

  Not at all suprising given what's happening in the world. I'm not even worried. A week taken to re-evaluate what I want to do reveals either design engineering or teaching. Teaching is not a "convenient" choice. It's something people have been saying for years that I do well. I'm only recently taking this seriously and am going to find out about a PGCE or whatever is involved.

• One of my ex-girlfriends died.

  I had known her since I was 7 years old. I found out of all places on Facebook - having deleted numbers and everything else long ago. But we shared a couple of close friends, and I have been drawn back to the circle to help out the family amoungst others.

  It has been suprisingly difficult, to be confronted with the grief of a family which you know so well - and I had forgotten how well they know me too. The past is most definitely in the past - people have changed and it has been wearing and tiring but I think spending today consoling those affected has been the least I could do.

So I guess that's nowhere near as long a list as I thought - not really worth starting a list for. I'm glad this is out of my head and on here - out here it takes up far less space. Argh, I have a bed to make and laundry to sort out and the whole weekend has flashed passed quicker than ever. It's more difficult than I expected keeping yourself at full pace in a job when you only have five weeks left.

I haven't seen § in a week, but that is just me being selfish and missing her. Argh - now I have a funeral to go to on Tuesday. That gives me only a three day week - woo. I'm really interested to see how the guys in the office react when I tell them I'm not coming in.

Well, I thought I had more to say, and there is - but it's not for here.

Later.

22:32 05/04/2009

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4th March 2009

So yeah, after last night at Jo's with § I was in a good mood today. But now I feel bad. Really bad. Mostly it's my own fault and I have no idea why I am having such trouble doing things right. SO pissed off at myself I can't hardly think, which makes it worse.

Yeah, there's nothing more to say really. When you're this pissed off you don't want to say much about anything.

12:20 04/03/2009

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25th February 2009

Getting a tattoo is a very specific sort of pain - and isn't even very similar to getting a piercing, which some people might expect to be the case.

The closest description I have heard of the very specific type of pain that is felt during tattooing is 50% deep scratch and 50% electric shock.

If you have thought everything through properly and are doing it for reasons which are true to yourself then going through the pain and healing process earns the wearer the right to display whatever the tattoo means to them. This explains what some people can't understand if they haven't done it for themselves. When thought through like this people rarely regret their tattoos, and whatever they have will always mean something to them, even if it was just that they had the conviction to stick to an idea and follow through with it.

So this is where I will be in three days - stretched out on an alcohol-scrubbed couch having my ribs bruised to kingdom come. I'm told it's one of the more painful locations but I really don't care. If you have understood the above then you'll see the pain doesn't make the slightest bit of difference.

Tattoos can have a very grounding effect, and really help to establish or reinforce a sense of identity for the wearer. To this end, they can become addictive and it is quite common for people to "collect" them along important landmarks in their life.

22:07 25/02/2009

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9th February 2009

Feeling pretty good at the moment.

Last week was quite stressful and tough, but was rounded off with a lovely weekend. Pretty much total de-stress with § round her place. Had been really missing her and it was SO good to see her after a while.

Back to work again this week and leaned on again. Not so bad - yet. Becoming tougher and more diplomatic as the higher tiers of management make my aquaintance and probe with endless questions.

Work prospects again look slightly wobbly. People a bit more unsure about what's in store for the London office and it's regular staff. I'm really not going to worry about it for the time being. My project is supposed to run until mid July. Even after that, I'm sure things will be ok. I'll make my decision when the time comes but I'm not worried.

22:07 09/02/2009

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4th February 2009

I met a jailor with no face.

I sucummed to the offer of hidden knowledge and boundless memory of light. I took the blue pill, and he inhaled my mind.

The hollow façade shook and fractured under the pressure of a million distilled consciences. I saw as was promised. But the purity of thought condensed as light and burned my eyes. My shadow splintered and my soul shivered.

So this is infinity.

The illusions we surround ourselves with to depart from the empty starkness of absence. We all are analogue minds trapped in digital cages, clutching and screaming with one-another. Cutting ourselves for ritual blood-letting so that the leaches of our spirits may feed on our long lost childhood hope and our unfulfilled ambitions.

How can we ever be satisfied when we are so detached from the cutting reality of ourselves?

22:07 04/02/2009

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25th January 2009

OMG.

Just had a MASSIVE weekend. The M word is often found in my vocabulary, but describing this weekend genuinely requires the word. The swish party previously described was my work dinner and dance at the Grovesnor House Hotel on Park Lane.

§ and I have had SO MUCH fun. Staying in a Park Lane hotel shows you how the other half live - wow. Our room was amazing. The bed would have slept 5 people - easily. The furniture was lush.

We made ourselves well at home and were loving it. We get ready for the posh dinner in the Great Room and we are dressed to kill. § looked stunning in a really great dress and was hot. I didn't brush up too badly either. I think I was quite hot too. We were hot.

Really loved showing her off to my work mates. I know that she got noticed by a few of the guys. She looked beautiful.

The food was really great, apart from the stilton soup - which was über strong and tasted of old boots. The trifle more than made up for it however, with so much sherry at the bottom most people commented on it. Was very strong.

Had a great dance and lark about on the floor afterwards to a live band, doing the hits of Grease, Robbie Williams and err, S Club 7. Was cracking though. Went up to a bar on the balcony after a bit and surveyed the general glamour and lushness of it all through a smooth haze of tipsyness.

Today has been more about the recovery. Getting back from London in one piece was tiring, but flopping out on a sofa for half a day will do the trick.

I feel so rejuvinated and happy. It was so great to be out with her "properly" and to know that we were both having such a great time. We will definitely have to think up some excuse to stay there again because it was such an experience.

Catching up on some well needed sleep now. Have work in the morning - damn!

23:24 25/01/2009

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18th January 2009

Tonsilitis - again.

No fun.

This is the fourth time this year - and it's getting very irritating. Going to make it to the doctors in the morning, and seriously thinking about having them removed. An otherwise excellent weekend has been over-shadowed by constant headache, earache and the inability to swallow without wincing.

Was out in town yesterday with § and one of her best mates. Was nice to finally meet the legend of K. She picked out my shoes for a very swish party I'm going to soon - from about 50 other pairs almost instantly. Always be armed with the female initiative when out shopping. Time-saving, savvy shoppers they are.

Also went to the cinema for the first time in slightly too long which was cool. Jim Carrey made the perfect Yes Man.

So yeah - there's a very swish party on Park Lane in the near future. I hope it's what I think it will be like. § and I dressed to impress at a seriously good night out. Looking forward to it. A lot.

Yeah - I generally gave quite a lot of people at work hell last Friday. A crushing headache all day will make you lose it a bit. Wasn't the right thing to do, but the tonsilitis only really came on Friday night - perfect timing as far as Doctor's opening hours are concerned. Exactly what happened to me last time. Great.

Today has been pretty good actually. Got up really late and haven't had to do anything much.

Currently watching ICE AGE 2. Great fun.

18:27 18/01/2009

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15th January 2009

WOW

Have just had the most amazing night with §. One of those nights where you just have this misty veil over your eyes. She was wearing this AMAZING dress and looked stunning. We went to an indian resturant and had a really good time. The food was good and it was so relaxing to go out "properly" for the first time in a while.
Maybe I've been particularly stressed at work or something, because this evening I was just SO relaxed.

I've resented every minute of the drive back home. One of those nights where it hurts to be away from her.

Wow - just wow. Amazing night.

23:40 15/01/2009

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4th January 2009

Now that just goes to show what can be done.

A night in with the old man; sinking a quarter bottle of tequila, eating a lot and getting through two films. That is what life is about sometimes.

If only there could be more times like these - things just turning out nicely, yet unexpectedly. A good job too, really. Don't really want to return to work on Monday, but does anyone? Pretty much done the jobs I had to do over the break.

Today I finally got round to mixing the second of two mixes for a friend in Houston. Only have to master it together on the computer and then that's done. A couple of bits of paperwork still nag from my middle-eastern trip. I really need to get that done soonish. Have been putting that off for about two months - and I am never normally like that. Oh what it is to be bothered sometimes.

So yeah, this is me not really moaning about anything much, and I guess seeing if I can get back into the habit of updating this anything close to a half-regular basis.

01:06 04/01/2009

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2nd / 3rd January 2009

I only seem to add to this thing when I need to. I would like to think that I got up to enough that would support a more regular updating of this blog. But life is life, and I am me, so it seems thus far I turn to this when I need to.

Putting up with various parts of life gets very boring and tiring at times. There are a lot of good things I have to be grateful for, but in some ways at least for the time being I seem to be a bit stuck.

I'm just waiting to get out of the family home. Claustrophobia set in a long time ago where the rest of my family is concerned. Everybody over a reasonably young age understands the need for their own space, and I am no exception.

I put up with what I guess anyone does at home, but over the last year I have become so tired of putting up with it. It is so wearing to keep ignoring the whims and decisions of others. I find myself sabotaging family discussions just to get arguements started so I have an excuse to leave the room, leaving everyone else to the debris.

Selfish - undoubtably, but the times when I don't care what happens have steadily become more frequent. The main problem is a lack of understanding. Anything new to the generation above me that cannot be understood is either deemed to be unneccesary or just "wrong". The basis for these judgements is pure social ignorance - and I only conform to predicted stereotypes when I try to explain things.

It seems their eldest has been tainted, or deemed corrupted in their eyes. Some parts they acknowledge to not understand. There is so much more that I simply give up however. If I took every opportunity to correct them, give my side of the story or whatever, then I doubt I would still be welcome in this household.

Anyway - that is how things are, and there is not much new to this for a while now. I'm just tired of putting up with it all and holding everything in. So this is here now, and I hope that there will be some balance to this soon. Maybe a nice cute little story about some bunnies.

There is of course a huge positive thing in my life, and I will keep on putting up with this current situation for as long as I need to. If I have done it for so long then I guess this is well within what I can do. I'm just fed up. It's not something that I should have to do, and I sure am learning some lessons as far as parenting is concerned. I'm sure I will make plenty of mistakes bringing up my children, but they won't include any of those made with me.

00:45 03/01/2009

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