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27th/28th October 2008

I have always thought that if you are going to the trouble of communicating how you feel when times aren't so good, then you also have an obligation to share your thoughts when you are feeling better. Otherwise people are just going to think you are terminally depressed or something. It generally isn't the way to go about considering others and is very selfish.

So here I am. I am happy. Just plain happy. Simple as that.

Reasons unexplained. Unnecessary deviations remain obscured.

Needless to say - a weight has been lifted from us. Days are easier and quicker. A sense of rhythm has returned, marking out the events of my day.

Note I'm not going on about "bountious levels of euphoria" or some such unsuitable exaggeration. At the moment the jigsaw is complete. Each piece fits snuggly in it's intended position.

Now all that is needed is for someone to love the finished picture enough to glue it onto a board and frame it. Complementing pieces held together as one. Somewhere to hang, to belong. To be appreciated or passed by - it doesn't matter. The effort has already been taken in the assembly.

So yes. If there was any doubt in all this riddle-speak. I am very happy at the moment. I hope things stay like this for the forseeable. We deserve it.

I'm up too late, honouring a bad habit, such as it is.

Good night.

00:11 28/10/2008

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19th October 2008

Don't really want to write this, but I need to. Have had a good day, but I feel crap.

I really need a scribble pad. Some top-secret place where I can pour out all the utterly useless crap that fills my head. Stored where no-one can read the ridiculous drivel I worry myself about. It's always the small things that trip big characters.

The problem with being a loud mouth is that people can tell when you're having an off day - because you're quiet. Not as funny/responsive/spontaneous whatever. I just really wish I had been in better spirits - time like today is too precious to waste.

And yet because of matters which are waaay off the radar of public consumption I find myself clinging onto reason. Stop feeling sorry for yourself you little shit. It's not that bad. You haven't even begun to have things tough. That truth is demonstrated to me in new ways every so often.

So what is this mess? Just a heap of anal scribble. It means something to me - might tie in for someone else - and for everyone else it is intended imprenetrable-ness. How crap it is. To need to say something - but you can't. Not comfortable enough with the truth that you can be so bothered by something and yet not wanting to be judged for making such a meal out of something that other people could just roll their eyes at.

Am I still so terrified of being judged? By even the people that know me?

It's 10 to eleven and I'm so knackered. It feels like it's been a long day. I would normally be so happy that one of my days had gone this way - but there's a shadow hanging over me.

Somebody shine a light.

22:48 19/10/2008

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6th October 2008

Very hard day. Was feeling really angry earlier but glad to have calmed down now. Even went out to do the evening shopping with Dad just to get out of the house and burn off some steam.

Work was really crap today. Impossible things are regularly expected of me and there's only so much I can take. Last Friday for me was only 20 minutes short of an 11 hour day. How ridiculous. The overtime wasn't even paid. You're just expected by the company to do what needs to be done.

This week management learned that I and two others had had to do this long day and have been unrelenting in refusing to pay overtime for my project. In order to comply with law (or something or nothing) we now CAN'T work more than 8 hours in a day. So if more work needs doing and our time is up we just have to leave it and go home - or that is the official line.
It just won't work though. It's all total rubbish.

I'm also quite furious at myself for something, but it's not fair on the others concerned to say what it is. I really work things off by getting things off my chest but there are somethings which just can't be shared.

22:43 06/10/2008

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29th September 2008

Feel like I'm back in the early days with §. We're not talking total mind-controlling-unable-to-think-or-breathe-without-you type missing her, but of recent it's been very much like a mental duvet.

Work can be very stressful now, as I have been given extra responsibilty and scope to deal with. I can go for hours at a time without a break, physically or mentally. But whenever I do snatch a thought to myself she's always the first thing in there. Something I forgot to say to her, places I have been with her - or even just a warm mental blanket. A vague feeling of reassuring fuzziness. Just knowing that you're not alone. That no matter how bad your day gets, there is always something bigger. Something that surpasses a job, even including overtime, paid or not.

It's the little doses we get of each other that keep us going until we next meet. Emails can just use pictures, sometimes not even employing a single word. Sometimes there are gaps on the phone and I don't need to say anything. I'm just bathing in her company, whether I can see it or not.

This is different because it's not missing someone in a negative way - it's not painful and consuming. Instead this is warm and comforting. Maybe I am more secure. Maybe we both are. Maybe we both know where this is going. I hope so.

She is wonderful.

22:53 29/09/2008

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28th September 2008

Just had a really good weekend. Saturday night, went out to a swanky restaurant. For obvious reasons it's been a while since our last proper 'date'. I like it when we make the extra bit of effort though - to keep things like that special.

Today I went out for a drive with § and her mum around Kent. Found a beautiful pub in the middle of winding country lanes, and then spent a few hours at Penshurst Place. Nice stately home. Been there for hundreds of years, lots of history, but you can see everything quite quickly if you want to. Sometimes it's nice to get out and get a bit of culture, but without having the pants bored off of you.

Last night § slept in my fleece. Tonight I'm wearing it, and it smells of her. I've only seen her a few hours ago and I can still miss her.

23:14 28/09/2008

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23rd September 2008

I said I would endeavor to keep this going - so here it is.

As I type this I know it's going to be a while before this is seen across the internet, by close friends, random visitors and would-be stalkers. I just feel if I am going to try to hold true to what I feel a blog should be, then I'll try to type things as I think of them, and sort out the technicalities later.

I'm currently laying out and designing the structure to what will be the third total over-haul and use of this site. I plan to keep it as a blog for the forseeable future. I found a digital pensieve very therapeutic in the desert. It's good to go over the thoughts of the day - and my own candid style and emotive open-ness seems to be worthy of reading. So...

It's a Tuesday evening. Just winding up for the night and decided to do this. Started work again yesterday. The company have had no hesitation in making full use of me now that I'm back. I'm doing what I started doing for the company - Iso coordination. Isos (or isometric drawings) are generated by the computer system for every pipe which is designed for every project. It is the job of the coordinator to keep track of all these drawings and update a computer recording system, so that any drawing can be tracked and found at any time.

It involves working with a wide range of people right through the design process of the pipes, and is often very demanding. Every Friday, the drawings that have been completed that week are issued to management - which is often the client, or another leading office which is calling the shots. Every project is set up slightly differently depending on what the client wants - so it's never easy as you always have to come up with a new coordination system to cater for all the quirks which that specific project might have.

So there you go - a brief (yes - that is the brief version) of what I'm doing for the time being. I know that many people don't have a very clear idea of what I do. So hopefully by covering it just this once I need not dip into it so thoroughly again! Well anyway I found my first day back very difficult. New people, new project conditions, new everything. An issue is expected this week, although I'm already trying to get my boss to see that simply won't be possible. It is too much to ask that in my first week back I can get an entire system up and running, and issuing isos.

No matter how tangibly I have felt my stress levels creep back up, there is a desert legacy which I realise I have retained. I am SO grateful to be working again in the London office. Back to civilisation. So I won't complain about the weather, the work, or anything much at all. It was a bit of a shock at first to come back from a month-long holiday to such a barrage of work, but I have now dealt with more difficult things. I will work at it and a solution will present itself.

Yes - a month off. A month devoted almost entirely to catching up with you wonderful people. In addition to that, § and I lived together for two weeks, and then in the last week of my month off we went up to Buxton in the peak district for 5 days. Heaven on earth. Well - anywhere is when you have the girl of your dreams next to you. There is so much that I am so appreciative of. I won't say anymore, because it doesn't really need to be said - and because for most people it's just plain boring (assuming you weren't put off by my work talk earlier and are still reading even this far).

So work is hard - but I'm back. Glad to be with the people that are special to me, and just plain happy to not be in the desert anymore. I hadn't meant to go on about that - but everyone in the office has been wanting to know how I faired, and it all seems to have returned to the fore-front of my mind.

Work will be hard for the forseeable future, for the next couple of weeks at least as I get to grips with a new system, which I'm working with as I design and set it up. How fun.

Well this is the start of a more paced and long-standing blog. I should get to bed. I also need to get on with a mix for the wife of a friend in the desert (he's still stuck out there - so I'm making an effort to remember how hard he still has it).

Progress in time.

23:30 23/09/2008

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