Last year, I began making a list of Things I Have Learned, the collection of facts that have been gathered through my pitiful existence on earth. Some are funny, some are enlightening, and some are mournfully true. Please read, and if you have anything to add, make sure to email me.

Things I Have Learned: When he (or she) says he doesn't like you, he (or she) means it. Really. Procrastination so does not pay. Always laugh. Laugh at yourself. Laugh when you're sad. Nothing is sweeter revenge than being able to laugh when someone wants you to be angry. When you have to tell yourself that you like him (or her) for more than his looks, forget about it. You don't. Always hit objects instead of people, and preferably ones that are not priceless. Contain your anger. So what if it kills you inside; just do it. Otherwide, the long-term effects could be devastating. When you are truly sad, you will be unable to shed tears. Don't cry in public, but do cry. Cry as much as you can handle buried under the covers of your bed at night. You only get things (and people) when you decide not to want them anymore. No one can make it all better. Everyone can make it a lot worse. Compliment people. We underestimate the true fragileness of the human ego. You are never the only one who has a terrible life. Watch World Vision; it'll make you feel a lot better. Give to charity. I cannot stress this enough. Give, give, give. If you think something might cause trouble later, don't even think about not fixing it. More than likely, it will cause trouble and you'll be in hot water. Parents are not stupid. Parents need to be loved. Respecting parents is a pain, but if you can't do it, at least love them. You never know when they'll be gone. Give up looking for the perfect guy (or girl). You want a boyfriend (or girlfriend), not a Ken doll (or a Barbie doll). Besides, you'll miss all the fun. Wear sunscreen. No, seriously. I'm not ripping off that song. It's really a good idea to wear sunscreen or else you could end up like me, someone who found out the hard way she was allergic to the sun. Always be modest. Make other people feel the irresistible urge to compliment you. It's so funny and ridiculously satisfying. All teachers have idiosyncrasies. Find out what they are. Then, when you get back your math test, you will have 100% instead of bold red lettering screaming that your perfectly acceptable graph scale was not perfectly acceptable enough. Sing. Who cares if you'll never be Mariah Carey (I love you, Mariah!!); life without song is crap. Heaven help you if you ever lose your voice. Orange juice mixed with milk is really gross. Orange pop is not a suitable substitute for milk in breakfast cereal. Most times, when you change an answer on your test at the last minute, it is wrong. Go with your gut. Doing math is the best time-killer ever. People so hate hearing the truth. If you think you might be too young to be in love, you are. Teachers are sadists. Failure stinks. But it's something you have to go though to be successful, so swallow it. Getting the wires behind the computer tangled is really not a good idea. Bibliographies really are a must or English teachers get, um...pissed. Communism is not always the enemy. The "dictator" is not always the enemy. Math beats babysitting any day. Don't lose touch with your old friends. Connections are great and you never know when you'll be in the same town again. A great way to piss your mom off is to accidentally step on her dried fish/seaweed/whatever stuff you can catch from the ocean and she spends weeks airing out on the deck. My question: and I'm going to eat this when??? A great way to lose your lunch is to watch your mom cut the heads off fish with a pair of scissors.

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Copyright 2002 by Elizabeth Keys. All rights reserved.
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