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wow, I'm so negligent with this blog ..
7/4/06 Tiw's Day
[+]song: nada
[+]book: Kristan Lavransdatter
[+]scent: nada
[+]projects: Keeping up with bills @.@
[+]upper: Feeling good mentally ^_^
[+]downer: Feeling sick physically XD
[+]attire: jammi pants and bra
[+]drink: water
xD Well .. hello thar! XD God it's been forever since I last posted. =B So much has happened. Let's see .. I turned 20. xD I FINALLY was able to move out of aunts house! XD My god I'm so glad THAT's over .. I had gotten a job at Target that paid pretty well .. <3 so we moved into these apartments pretty close. I love our place, it's so lovely. My lovely Ryuukun lives with us now and I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life. ^__^ I love him, and I'll always be his. <3 ..
Because they kept working me so hard at Target though I eventually had a breakdown xD .. and I quit. I got a job a bit after at a daycare/school as a teacher! ^o^ I was only there a week, however. o_o I got majorly sick. I mean REALLLLLY sick. xD From the toddlers .. I realized I couldn't stay there, as much as I loved the place.I have no immune system. >_<;
Well now I'm working at Little Ceasars. The pay is not so great but I can walk to work now so it's quite awsome. ^^ I like the people and it's not a bad job at all. You would think I'd get sick of pizza by now but I crave it more than ever. xD!!
So my life has been pretty good lately .. ^^ .. I mean, a bit ago, I was having a lot of troubles mentally. Badbad panic attacks .. I was taken into the mental ward for certain things even. ;_; But I have my meds now and I'm trying to be stable. I haven't posted in here in so long because I usually post in Gaia. xD But yeah ..
Ack, all my comments got deleted for some reason. o_O; Ohwells. ^^; Anyway. I'm trying to get into college. I don't even know where to start. I want to do something like teach .. history or somesuch. ^^
++serephina drank veritaserem @ 5:16PM
++take the antidote ..
and there are seven lights in his eyes ..
9/18/05 Sun Day
[+]song: green day // holiday
[+]book: celtic poetry
[+]scent: none xD
[+]projects: getting a job ;.; also, finding something lacy!
[+]upper: Ryuu-induced high
[+]downer: No Ryuukun for a bit ;.;
[+]attire: white top and sleepy shorts
[+]drink: coffee
okayso:
Today was great. ^o^ Well, the past few days have been great. ^^ Being with my Ryuukun is like .. gahh ..
how do you describe something so wonderful the English language just doesn't have words for? xD
I love love love you Ryuukun. ;o;
Sometimes I forget how very little I really get out of the house. Usually I really don't like to go anywhere, because of my agoraphobic tendencies. I'm like .. "O.O too much, too much! *hide*" but when I'm with him, I don't have any of those feelings or fears at all. My mind goes back to the way it should be, the way it was. I feel so much healthier, like a normal person! I don't even have panic attacks. Everything just feels .. like it should. Like everything is as it should be. He's an absolute angel. ;.;
I'm trying to be less self-conscious, in other news. I read somewhere that there are only two things that can happen to someone who constantly compares themselves to others:
becoming vain
or becoming bitter
Well personally I wouldn't like to be either. xD So I'm going to try to just stop. I'm not going to stop caring how I look - what I mean is, I will not be so insanely paranoid and over critical of myself. For some reason I can only see the beauty in everyone but myself. So this has to change. Ye know?
Well now that I'm back home I'm feeling extreme Ryuu-withdrawal. ;o;
I've noticed that lately I've been remembering my dreams more .. perhaps I haven't been so good at recording them, but I know I'm remembering them more at least. This is a good thing. When I stop remembering, it usually means that I've detached myself from everything, including myself. Like when I was at dads. I was just this mechanical person, doing the exact same thing every day. I was so lonely and cut off from everyone I love that to avoid that pain I just shut it all off.
I hate feeling disassociated. It's a really icky feeling. But Ryuu has most definitely grounded me. I feel like a real human being now, and the more I'm with him, the more alive I become.
Solikeyeah! ^o^;
I can't wait till it gets cooler! @.@ Lace (my favorite fabric ever) is "in" again, which is teh spiff, because that means I will be able to find it in the stores! =D I love things like lace and satin, but not when it's hot. x_X Lace gets itchy, and satin sticks to various uncomfortable places on your body. xD
This is random, but I really, really love the name Finola. xD I sooooo covet this name. XD
I forgot until just now that I had Xenosaga II to play. xD Yay! *runs off* =D
++serephina drank veritaserem @ 12:41AM
++take the antidote ..
I wish I could hold you closer ..
9/1/05 Thor's Day
[+]song: Factory Girls // Celtic Whispers
[+]book: HBP
[+]scent: ? nay
[+]projects: staying calm
[+]upper: Ryuu-induced high
[+]downer: crazy Esmerelda o.X
[+]attire: pj's :D
[+]drink: coffee
So anyway. xD I know I made a journal post on Gaia just last night but I'm feeling a little posty lately, also slightly bored, so I thought why not? Plus I thought I should dispel the total emo-ness of the previous post. xD It was kind of nauseating to reread.
Ryuukun. ^o^ You're the most patient being on the planet.
I love you more than anything. ^^
Mum told me something fairly hilarious when I got back home. I left my vitamins on the coffee table while I was gone, and Esme saw them. They're labeled as being "prenatal" because of the somewhat gigantic dose of vitamin A and zinc, see? xD Well Esme (master of making Very Wrong Assumptions) had a huge fit and starting yelling at mum (?), and no matter how many times she said she'd picked them out for me, he wouldn't believe her. So when I got home, one of the first things out of his mouth was:
"Are you pregnant?!"
Que the hysterical laughter, because I knew instantly why he has asked that. He is such a drama queen. xD Even mum admits it now. He was so outraged and indignant, as if I had personally offended him in some way. xD (Later on me and mum decided to mess with his head and tell him that the vitamins made you pregnant, and that we were going to put some into his Mountain Dew when he wasn't looking. XD Sometimes I wonder about Esme, because I'm pretty sure he believes us.)
Anyhow I can't wait to be with my luff again. @.@ .. Last night was kind of panic-attacky, and I realized that when I'm with him, I have virtually zero of these.
Also when I came home, I discovered that Esme had used nearly every dish in the house yet again, and they had all been left for me to wash. x_X; Arg!
++serephina drank veritaserem @ 1:54PM
++take the antidote ..
and the sun is now fading ..
8/29/05 Moon Day
[+]song: non
[+]book: attempting to finish HBP a second time
[+]scent: hazelnut
[+]projects: ... meh.
[+]upper: er ... I'm alive? Yay I guess. o_o
[+]downer: everything. -.-
[+]attire: Vote for Pedro :|
[+]drink: coffee
o.o I'm going to have to start archiving soon. I was thinking perhaps this was not the best layout to use, as the font is a little large and the space to type is small. And I type a lot. So I dunno. I'll think about it, it will just take a lot of work to start over again. =/
Last night I did my runes. In the postion of Future I got an inverted Rad, sign of disruption, dislocation, upheaval, long illness, and of course death. Really. That's just great. x.x;
So anyway today has been rather horrible, and so was last night come to think. Mum was up till 5 in the morning watching Katrina come in. I was worried of course, being the paranoid freak I am, and I kept having half-dreams of drowning, and panic attacks all night that I was going to die. Never mind the fact that I am no where near the stupid storm, which I might add turned out to be not so bad as the forecasters were saying. -_-; I fell asleep for a couple of hours and woke up because of the TV and Nana and mum talking, and also because I had a sudden searing fever that made my skin feel like it was melting off. I wanted to crawl into the bloody freezer. Anyway I tried to go back to sleep, and did for a bit, but mum says (and I barely remember this) that I "woke up" two hours later talking and crying in my sleep about blood. o_o Well, I remember that I was trying to tell her something, but the right words weren't coming out of my mouth, and all I could say was "There are two kinds of blood." Really. x_X So I feel really stupid now. I hate talking in my sleep. It's hilarious when Rand does it but ..
And then at around noon today I woke up due to everyone in the house having a big huge argument, but I couldn't move because every time I did my legs kept cramping up with a screamingly horrible pain. -_X;
Over all it was a very horrible night. Now of course there's something very wrong with me, as I'm having other bad side effects that I won't go into here, due to the medicine I'm taking. This probably explains why I've been so nauseated, crampy, terrifically angry at everyone, and wanting to cry every five minutes. So I'm going to the doctor to get my meds changed and to see what's really going on with me. *nodnod*
Anyhow. Yesterdays' escapade with politics did not help at all. Really I should never have opened my mouth, because I'm already so weak I can't handle any criticism without sobbing or something. I'm feeling completely alienated and abused and a bunch of other icky things, and actually very furious, at myself mostly. So, I guess, it is for all of the above reasons (and many others) that I can't go see everyone today. Maybe tomorrow. We'll see. I frankly want to crawl in a hole and die at this point. Or the freezer.
++serephina drank veritaserem @ 4:52PM
++take the antidote ..
along the mane of the universe ..
8/28/05 Sun Day
[+]song: some hideous musical out of Death Becomes Her
[+]book: attempting to finish HBP a second time
[+]scent: crackers? XD
[+]projects: meh .. job-finding, and cooking dinner -o-
[+]upper: recovered le mouse! :D
[+]downer: tired and bleh; broken glass
[+]attire: pale green top and le pj pants
[+]drink: ice water
-_-; Feeling very ill and exhausted lately, I can barely stand up and walk around without almost falling over from dizziness. @.@ I've been feeling like this for a couple of days. I've been irritated and annoyed with everything, snapping at everyone for everything, and generally being an overall beyotch. =/ I don't mean to be like this, I think it's something I'm taking, because I'm certainly not ordinarily like this. I'll try to just calllmmm down.
Lately I feel like I'm in a constant waking dream .. I think in song and poetry. I've had Arwen's Song in my head forever and now that I've found the lyrics and listened to the whole thing (at last!) I am even dreamier and unfocused. @.@
With a sigh you turn away
With a deepening heart, no words to say
You may find .. that the world has changed, forever ..
And the trees are now turning from green to gold
and the sun is now fading
I wish I could hold you closer ..
*le sigh* I really can't wait to be with everyone again, especially my Ryuu .. my heart feels so full of sweetness and light I feel like such a fluffy bunny xD but I can't help it, I love him more than all the world, and I feel like I am finally awake ..
Had I not awoken ..
I would not have seen the shimmering light
along the mane of the universe ..
[politics-crap deleated due to length and various other reasons .. -.-;]
In other news, mum has reached the goldmine in our family genealogy! ^^ We discovered, AT LAST, who my great-great-great-great-great Grandfather was. And where he was. Apparently, RIGHT HERE in America. During the Revolution! That is also apparently very rare. Most of America's decendents immigrated from other countries from around 1850 to 1930 and so on. But we also found out that he was listed as 'Mulatto' which was a term used for someone .. xD unclassifiable, I guess you could say. Probably half Native American .. (I suppose it could be African or Asian blood, but more unlikely. I'm deducing based on the amount of American Indians as opposed to other nonwhite races o_O) But anywhoo. Thank god for the Mormons and their slightly unnerving desire to record the genealogies of every single human on the face of the planet. =D
*el sigh* I suppose I have gone on too long now. ^o^; But I just felt I needed to say something, even if I'm not very good at articulating my thoughts in the long run. I apologize for the rant. And to my friends.
++serephina drank veritaserem @ 3:09AM
++take the antidote ..
Comments galore!
8/21/05 Sun Day
[+]song: Holiday // Green Day
[+]book: Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up
[+]scent: honey-milk bodywash
[+]projects: none really ..
[+]upper: shiny comments! YAY!
[+]downer: seepy and tired and lonely for Ryuu
[+]attire: Whoo Me? shirt and pj pants ^o^
[+]drink: coffee @_@
OH MY HOLY JEEBUS! You can finally comment! xD It was actually very easy to find a comment-host-er, apparently I simply didn't look good enough. Meh bad. ^o^;;
Well today was wonderful. ^^ I finally got to frolic with my Ryuukun, and even though it was very hot, I still had loads of fun and the heat didn't bother me as must as I thought it would, probably because I was slightly distracted, mainly by my Ryuukun, about whom I might add is not only the kindest sweetest most gentle heart on the planet but is also
fricking effing gorgeous
sorry I just had to get that out XD
.. but anyway it was TONS of fun, and I love him so much that my heart is just melting, and I'm practically keeling over right now in anticipation for Monday .. er .. tomorrow technically, when I get to go over to his house. YAY!
*Takes a deep breath* I am still a lonely little blog, as I have no other blogs to link to really, although I read many peoples blogs regularly, I am very shy even on the Internet and it takes a lot of effort for me to ask someone to be their blog buddy. xD
So any blog-owners out there, if you desire to link to me, please do so! And I will read your blog and comment so many times in such a detailed way that you will hate me eventually. XD
Anyway I'm just so happy and in love right now I'm almost literally rolling around. *dies!*
Thank you thank you thank you Ryuukun for being there and not giving up on me even though I can be such a huge pain in the arse! ;_;
I'm still pondering about if I should make a personal site. It *is* a lot of work, and to be honest I don't really have that much content to justify making one. We shall see. *nodnod*
Even though I'm listening to Green Day, I still have Jack's Lament in my head. @_@ Pretty song!
I took the "Would You Have Been A Nazi" test .. xD:
The Expatriate
Achtung! You are 30% brainwashworthy, 22% antitolerant, and 28% blindly patriotic
Congratulations! You are not susceptible to brainwashing, your values and cares extend beyond the borders of your own country, and your Blind Patriotism ("patriotism" for short) does not reach unhealthy levels. In Germany in the 30s, you would've left the country.
One bad scenario -- as I hypothetically project you back in time -- is that you just wouldn't have cared one way or the other about Nazism. Maybe politics don't interest you enough. But the fact that you took this test means they probably do. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt.
Did you know that many of the smartest Germans departed prior to the beginning of World War II, because they knew some evil shit was brewing? Brain Drain. Many of them were scientists. It is very possible you could be one of them, depending on your age.
Conclusion: Born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would not have been a Nazi.
Would you have been a Nazi?
Yay for that, right? xD!
++serephina drank veritaserem @ 12:45PM
++take the antidote ..
Chapter 22: The 50's- Peace, Prosperity, Braindeath
8/18/05 Thor's Day
[+]song: nay
[+]book: Half-Blood Prince
[+]scent: pears
[+]projects: job, sleeping eventually
[+]upper: new hair color and style! and Umi-tag-comment! :D
[+]downer: El Retardo and exhaustedness
[+]attire: pj's
[+]drink: whitegrape water
Arrrhhhgggggg. -O-; .. well hello there.
Sorry for the long wait between entries. A lot of various things have occurred making it difficult for me to use the computer for a little while, up to and including
(a)backhanding El Retardo and
(b)forgetting to do his laundry.
xD .. yes well. He was screaming at me, and calling my mum names - what else was I supposed to do? Also, I have another excuse, being that:
(c)he was asking for it, and
(d)I was currently on Special Medication.
*dies and rolls about* Anyway. Now everything is slightly better. Peep has threatened to kick him out because of how vicious he is to everyone, so now he's playing nice and letting me alone. Hence, life-giving Internet! Yay! ^o^
I have been working on this thing on and off, and it's still very 'unfinished' I suppose - though is it actually possible to 'finish' a blog? I am having issues making a way people can comment after each post, but as I am chronically retarded and know about as much HTML, really, as Bush knows about forming collations. Not very much, you know? But I am trying very hard. It's difficult since I'm running around all the time. -o-;
Speaking of which. I. Am. Exhausted. Completely. I have no energy in me at all. And still feeling very ill and lightheaded, as I was at the tire-shop all day today with mum. It was fixed and everything, and we also had to do other things, but we have no air conditioning, and it is V E R Y hot in Texas, obviously. So I melted.
So I had to tell Ryuu I couldn't come over, which made me nearly bawl my eyes out, because I had been wanting to go all day until I was ill. I tried to sleep a little, but of course woke up at 11 PM or so .. and now .. =/ well there's no rest for the evil.
Yesterday I finally got a hair cut! ^O^ This made me very happy. I only got a microcut in the back, because I wanted to keep it long as possible, and she sort of angled it a little, but I did get bangs, which I LOVE. I haven't had bangs with long hair since junior high.
Then I bought some white-blonde hair color. But it just sat there a while, because I wasn't sure what to do. I thought about it until this evening, and I decided that yes, I did indeed want to do this. =D However I was very sleepy, so mum did it for me. She is the master at this sort of thing. So it came out very 'multifaceted' as the commercials say, I think. :D I'm very very happy with it.
I got a jacket recently, which is dark and gothicy red/goldish corduroy, and it is fabulous. *drool* I can't wait till it's cooler to wear it. @.@
Anyway. I miss everyone very much. I miss Ryuukun so much I just about can't stand it. =/ Rand wants me and mum to take him to his (Rands, not Ryuukuns' xD) appointment tomorrow, so we shall see how long that takes. -o-;
I was talking to mum about Hogwarts houses today in the car. Yes we are strange that way. XD We decided that she is a Ravenclaw indeed. Rand is a Slytherin - ambitious and lone-rangery almost to the point of insanity. xD But it took me a while to figure out what house I'm in. I mean, I luff Hufflepuff. But I always thought that really I was more of a Ravenclaw. However, based on this article, I am actually very much a 'Puff. xD
++serephina drank veritaserem @ 4:51AM
++take the antidote ..
Chapter 3: Barging Westwards
8/15/05 Moon Day
[+]song: Star of the County Down // Celtic Whispers
[+]book: Half-Blood Prince
[+]scent: tuna
[+]projects: sleeping someday
[+]upper: shiny blog
[+]downer: auntie
[+]attire: pj's
[+]drink: nay
Yes I have stayed up mostly all night, working on this damn thing, especially the css and the god forsaken tagboard. xD Which, by the way, is causing me to have much annoyance in the form of pop-ups. If you get these also, and it causes irrepairable damage to your computer, let me apologize in advance. Although fully realizing I cannot buy you a new computer. I would if I could. Also, sorry if this thing is too graphics heavy. I honestly don't know what I'm doing.
Well ... YAY! I'm feeling so happy! I finally managed to make a fairly decent sort of bloggie, one that does not require X-Ray vision or a magnifying lense to see properly, and also one that is not so hideous that it causes people to go mad and run away screaming in agony. :D Yay!
Also, it took me several million years to find a red-headed avatar. I finally did, and if you wish to look at other such adorable and very well-made dollies, you can click on the doll up there and look away to your hearts content.
You may notice that my old blog sort of went .. insane with the ads. This is why I sold my soul to Geocities. Yes, they have a large ugly ad, but the ad (at least for now) is on the side, AND you can click it away, unlike the other ads, where they leapt through the computer screen and attacked you with claws and fangs. (And tentacles, I'm told.)
This blog may not be updated daily, as I usually post on Gaia. But sometimes I find it a little difficult to post on Gaia when I need to talk about such disturbing things as my minor insanity, and other dark issues. I guess it feels a little cozier in here, a little more personable. But I shall try hard to keep this updated for the benifit of the 1 or 2 people who will care to actually read it. xD
Oi vey, so sleeeeeepy. @.@ Well, I think I'll try for some sleep. Night everyone. I luff you allllll. -keels-
++serephina drank veritaserem @ 5:46AM
++take the antidote ..
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