THE FEAR OF BECOMING EVIL

by: Blue Moogle

                 Understanding whom I've become is very easy for others now. But understanding who I am is another story. I know their expressions of how they always want a friend like me and stuff like that. Some people have their doubts about me. The only thing that separates me from my clan mates is my lack of self respect and always doubt myself of what I'm really capable of. In other words, I make friends without the liberty of knowing who I really am and what I do. The truth is, before I became the ever loving Blue Moogle and an EGF clan mate, I was someone so... EVIL. That's what I want to talk about in this document.

Most of us have fears and most of them are very hard to conquer. I have fears of my own. Telling the truth and very open to others is difficult, believe me. But I'll tell you anyways. Actually I have only 3 fears, formerly there were only 2 One of them is that I hate seeing spiders of all kinds. Except for the small ones though. Other insects I can handle but spiders, no. Another fear that I possess within is that I don't like holding sharp objects. Well... exceptional to Forks and small knives. But my greatest fear would be, the fear of becoming what I was. After guidance from my most loved person is no more, I have a feeling that I'm rather changing. Not fast, but rather slow. I'll tell you why on the next stanza.

Like I said before, before I was the ever loving Blue Moogle, a loyal member of the EGF clan, and a meddling friend, I never knew what friendship was. I walk the world as if I was autistic or something. I care less about the people around me, I stare at people though as if I want to kill them. Imagine that I'm a very tormented person. Willing to take anyone's life away for the right price. No matter what the consequences are. I say to myself, "I'm going to die anyway, why don't I be taking risks". But that doesn't affect me when playing Final Fantasy and other RPG games. There are more things about my Darkside that I can discuss. But for me, it's dangerous to move on.

Maybe you're asking also how could such a stone cold and evil person change for the better even if he has a tortured soul. Only one person thought me the word change and she's someone very special. I didn't say that she is out of my life forever, we just went to our separate ways. Though the last words she said to me in person are "Itsu kitto aeru futari naraba". Those were Japanese words and translated as "Someday we'll meet again and be together". She is not the only person I considered changing me. You can find out about the other person in the "Inspiration"  document. The other person sent me one of her messages that quotes, "I believe I'm the only person who believes in friendship. Other people say there's no such thing, but no matter what, I know it's true. How would people know what friendship is if they don't have you".

Literally, I find that rather interesting. But for my other self, I think it's a special quote. Then all the people and friends whom I already known gave me a broad mind experience of what it means living in the right path. Same as killing my time playing RPG games especially Final Fantasy. Now this method of being open is one of my ways of being good to others. For I know they will accept me not for what I am but for what I have become, whom I've become. And I'm glad there are more people like them in me. And less of me in them.  

Now a days, I still have that fear of becoming evil. There are just some things that I want to say for myself, "If I give up forever to touch you, I know that you'll feel me somehow". Another thing, "I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am". These words came from the song Iris by Goo Goo Dolls and it is dedicated to my inspiration. Hence, when I'm feeling this way, I have the ways of conquering my fears. And with friends like my EGF clan mates, I know I cannot change back to the person I was, sooner or later. Thank you...