| I have decided to write my thoughts here after all. After all, what are the chances that someone will stumble upon this site. And I don't have to worry about people stumbling upon whatever available pieces of paper I have which I tend to jot down what is probably insane ideas or any material I save on disk. And if someone does stumble upon this site, what do I care, especially if I don't know you. And if I do know you, you'd already have a sense of my problems and know how crazy I am. I can't explain this immensely deep depression I suffer from. All I know is that I have lost my motivation for everything. I see no need for graduate study. I start contemplating why people bother doing anything and why things are the way they are. For instance, lollypops- what a good waste of plastic in them. Is the stick on a lollypop really that necessary. They would taste perfectly fine without the stick too, wouldn't they? Today, the lady from the career center went over our Meyers-Briggs results with us. I'm an ISTP, no surprise. Avanti and Sarah had the exact same results; they're both ISFJ. I feel like I'm an outcast. They're always together, talking to each other, both showing interests in whatever the other one says. They even smoke. Secretly. Shocking. Anyway, back to the way I feel. I feel like I don't belong in this world; there is no place for me in society. I have trouble relating to people and interacting with a group. I realize now why I'm doing so poorly academically. It's because I don't understand the reason behind the work. What does it all lead down to? Does it really matter if we find the answer or not? I know I'm failing at least 2 classes. But what does that mean? An F is not the end of the world. A letter grade doesn't measure intelligence. Then why am I so upset? So upset that I don't care anymore? Because it's lame to have studied so hard to end up doing bad that I feel like a failure and having everyone else think that you didn't study at all. And it's so difficult for me to pay attention in class. Do I have ADD? When the instructors are lecturing, all I can think about is wishing the time would fly so that I could get out of class. What do I like? I don't know. What don't I like? Just about everything. Who am I? An enigma, a jiagsaw puzzle whose pieces are still awaiting to be placed together. This is the main problem. I wish I knew who I was. Am. Why do I think in past tense all the time? Is it because there is some part of me who has died and I'm referring to her in hopes of bringing her back to life? And if so, when did she die? What was the most traumatizing event? It would have to be before I punched my fist through the window with such a force to cause it to shatter and kicked the wall so hard it crumbled. Was it the day my mom slammed me into the wall and beat me black and blue and denied the whole thing the next day? The time when I realized I was the last to know my grandma died? Or when we moved house without my consent? Or perhaps it's just an accumulation of events and my person could take it no more and decided to shut the world out and now I am in my own little world, a world of sadness and despair. In this world, I seek truth and meaning, and there seems to be just an infinitessimal amount. I wish I had someone to talk to, not just anyone, but someone that I could relate to and connect with completely. 20 years is a long time to find that someone and I may need 20 more years. If I live that long... |