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| My own War (September 19, 2001) All right. Two days ago I started working down at the Juniata Civic Center with Dave and his Dad at 7:00 in the morning. We just got back from lunch at the bar and I was told to clean up all the shit we stripped off the roof onto the ground the day before. I don�t mind doin� the shit because I�m too fucking retarded to do skilled work, but if you think about it, retards are called skilled. Hmmm. Any who� I was minding my own business, picking up ripped up shingles and trying not to scratch Jim�s dump truck, when, ZAP! , A fucking bee stung me in the face, and took off before I could even smear his insides across my cheek. What an asshole! He�s going to die anyway (If you didn�t know, bees die really soon after they lose their stinger, and this one�s was lodged into my eyebrow. Dave had to pick it out.) So here�s my proposition: I�m starting my own army. Everyone can join! There�s not draft, no paper work, no jarhead hair cut. I just need dedication. That fuck-rod of a bee attacked me for no reason! I was yards away from its nest and I was minding my own business. He gave me no notice and no chance at retaliation. I�m an innocent victim of Mother Nature and I�m pissed. It�s not like I was swatting at it and making it feel intimidated. I�m extremely large compared to this assassin and I can�t believe it would even make an attempt to harm me. It�s not like I�m allergic or I�m in horrid pain, but it still hurts and angers me. So let�s all help me out. Go out to your local department store and buy yourself a big red whiffle-ball bat and a �50% more� can of bee and wasp killer. Strap em� onto your belts and lets get it on! Destroy! Just a few days prior I was watching Dave jump away from a bee while swatting at it. I told him �Man, they don�t give a shit about you if you just leave them alone.� My attitude has now flip-flopped. Fuck them! Kill em� all! Any one you see. I don�t care if it�s a hornet, queen, yellow jacket (which is what stung me,) or one of those big fat pieces of shit. They�re gonna get a swift back-hand across the torso. After I�ve grounded them, I�m going to grab any object, animate or inanimate, that I can find close by and pound on them until their nerves stop moving their bodies. If that fails I know I have my old trusty size ten shoes to take their miniscule lives off this earth. (September 23, 2001) I just sat down to finish this little piece of work that I started. I�ve been working my ass off. Also my sister came home this weekend and she�s more important. Everything that I told you above still stands strong but I have some news to aggravate me to my boiling point. When I got stung, it hurt somewhat. I went to my night job and everything was cool, just a little case of blurry vision. But when I woke up the next morning� That fucking bee made my eye swell half shut. I looked like Rocky at the end of every one of his movies. Oh, I did not like that at all. Today is the first day I actually look normal. Damnit! He sure showed me that something so little can really fuck me up! I had to go to an interview that day looking like I had just gotten punched in the face earlier that day. Great impression, huh? Because of this I�ve devised a search and destroy plan to aide our army in our quest to exterminate the bastards. I�ll wear strong cologne, leave my beer bottles laying around, and make huge batches of sugar water to place in strategic areas around my presence. That�ll attract em�. Don�t worry bees, I�ll be behind bushes, under tables, around corners, and under carpets. You can�t escape. And if, for some reason you do, I�ll wait for you brothers, sisters, relatives, and parents to land on one of my traps and I�ll attack with great vengeance! No holds barred! The big, red whiffle-ball bats will be swinging (they make a really kewl sound when they hit) along with my newest weapon, my lighter and a can of aerosol hairspray. It�s gonna be like a miniature napalm. How about that? Huh? So I�m asking all of you to stand behind me as I lead you into battle. I promise that I will be an honorable leader who will sacrifice all for the cause. You see one, destroy it. You hear one, break out the wet towels and be ready to snap! Get ready people, cuz� it�s going to be a long battle and it may never end, but we�ll do our part to bring these dick-heads to justice. All for one, one for all! Refreshments and snacks will be at the first meeting. Thanks to all who participate. Boo-yah!!! |
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