STORIES - MUST BE 18+ TO READ THESE

Nov 2, 2005 True story about a recent wedding at Clemson University. It was in the local paper. Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got onstage with a microphone to talk to the crowd, thanking everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope, his gift to everyone. He asked them to open their envelopes. Inside each envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom, suspicious of them weeks earlier, hired a private detective to tail them. Standing there watching guests' reactions for a couple of minutes he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" To the dumbfounded crowd hand he said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would cancel the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair this guy goes through with the charade as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. A MasterCard "priceless" commercial -

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...$3,000.

Deluxe 2 week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...$8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man...Priceless.

Some things money can't buy; for everything else there's MASTERCARD!!!

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in the park. One day an angel from heaven said, "You're such exemplary statues I'll give you 30 minutes of life to do anything you want," and clapping his hands brought the statues to life. Approaching each other shyly they dashed for the bushes, from whence came giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. 15 minutes later the statues emerged from the bushes grinning broadly. "You have 15 more minutes," said the angel. Grinning even more broadly the female statue told the male statue, "Now YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"

Three mice in a bar bragged which one is the toughest, most hardcore, macho mouse. The first mouse does a shot, slams the glass down and says, "I set off mouse traps for fun. I grab the cheese and when the bar comes down I bench press 50 or 60 reps, then take my loot home." The second mouse downs a shot and says, "That's nothin', bro. I eat rodent-poison tablets like candy. I'll chow a box of Decon and not even fart." The third mouse downs a shot and walks away from the bar. "Where ya going, wimp?" the other mice chuckle. The third mouse shrugs. "I'm going home to fuck the cat again."

A couple golfed one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful and don't knock out windows. It'd cost us a fortune to fix them." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house there. Cringing, the husband said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's apologize and see how much this will cost." They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come in." Opening the door they saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "You broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry," the husband replied. "I want to thank you. I'm the genie trapped 1000 years in that bottle. You released me. I'm allowed to grant 3 wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem! And you, what do you want?" the genie asked the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied. "What's your wish, genie?" the husband said. "Well, being trapped in that bottle I haven't had sex with a woman in 1000 years. I want to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for 2 hours, then looked at her and said, "How old is your husband?" "35," she replied. "He still believes in genies?"

After a night out Bob told his friend about the Golden Club. Everything was lined with gold. Glasses were gold rimmed, the bar rail and even the urinals were gold plated. His buddy was believing him until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he phoned the Club. "Your club's glasses are gold rimmed?" Bob asked. "Yes, it's true," replied the bartender. "The bar rail's gold plated?" asked Bob. "Yes," the bartender said. "The urinals too?" asked Bob, at which the bartender yelled "Hey Joe, here's the guy who took a leak in your saxophone last night!"

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store, the area's biggest. They sold everything there. The boss asked him, "You ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked him and said, "Start tomorrow. I'll come see you when we close." The boss arriving at 5 asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "$38,334," said the young man. "How'd you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small, medium and big fish hooks and lines. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he'd need a boat, took him to the boat department and sold him that 20-foot schooner with the twin engines. He said his Volkswagen couldn't pull it so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV." Astonished, the boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy wanting a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman. "He's here to buy his wife a box of Tampons. I told him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

A businessman flew to Las Vegas to gamble, lost everything but a quarter and his return ticket. If he could get to the airport he could get home. In front of the casino was a cab. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie, promising to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, driver's license number, address, etc but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have $15 get the hell out of my cab!" The businessman, forced to hitchhike to the airport, barely made his flight. A year later the businessman, working long and hard to regain financial success, returned to Vegas. This time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself he went out in front of the casino to get a cab to the airport. Well who's out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought a moment how to make the guy pay for his lack of charity and hit on a plan. Getting in the first cab in the line he asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" "15 bucks," came the reply. "How much for a blow job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab!" The businessman got into each cab, asking the same questions with the same result. Reaching his friend at the back of the line he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "15 bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went. As they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up to each driver.

A man at lunch in a restaurant with a friend pokes his left hand with his right index finger and holds his hand between his ear and his mouth. "I kept losing my portable phone. I installed a phone in my hand so I won't lose it," he said. They started eating, then the man went to the restroom. His friend waiting 20 minutes went to find him. There he stood with his arms raised high and leaning against the wall, his underwear down to his ankles and a roll of toilet paper hanging from his behind. He was waiting for a fax.

Two bored craps dealers waited. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, I'm much luckier nude," strips naked and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!" Then she hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! IWON!" and jumps up and down, hugging the dealers. She picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers stare at each other until one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

A departure gate attendant checked tickets. A man approached. She extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. She said, "Sir, I asked for your ticket, not your stub."

Boy, 8, swaggers into the bar, orders a double Scotch on the rocks. "You want to get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now I want the Scotch."

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