Lesson No. 6: Your answers lie inside you . . .
Addendum: . . . Unfortunately, you'll never see them until the day of your autopsy.
It doesn't seem like I stayed in any one place too long after that. It got to be risky, for one, and for another, there was no reason to stay anywhere. So I moved from country to country a lot: England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Japan, Egypt, America, Greece. Instead of drinking and womanizing, I threw myself into work and traveling. The thing is, you never really forget, no matter what you do. I tried, but I just couldn't. Twenty-five years of my life, right down the drain. I did alright for myself, and I was actually respectable . . . at least for my line of work, but it didn't do me any good. Just made my life empty and boring.
Then, after all that time, I heard about a hit out on Anna. If I had been paying attention, I would have known it wasn't serious, but her name on it was good enough for me. No one was going to hurt her if I had anything to say about it, that much I was sure of. So I went back to Alchaven to meet the person who was stupid enough to put out that sort of a hit. Someday, I might just kiss the girl who did that. She got me to do the thing I'd been wanting to do and had been scared to do for a quarter of a century; she got me to go back to Anna.
I'll never regret that, except that I didn't go back sooner, but it was a hard pill to swallow. There's nothing quite like going back to find you have two grown sons and a still single lover who all hate you, and hating yourself all the time for what you've done to them, and to yourself. I mean, it's bad enough having everyone think you're scum without agreeing with them.
So it didn't turn out well, I didn't really think it would, but I went to track down this person. And, surprise, surprise, I found out it was Selene, a friend of my old roommate, Leoder Kurrmond. I had some mixed feelings about that. She was a Seidyrian for one, and I wasn't too at ease around them anymore. Then, well, you don't always want to face up to your mistakes in the past, and if I saw Leo, that's just the sort of thing I would have to do. But, on the other hand, he was my friend, and he was in jail. So, when she asked me to help get him out, how could I resist?
He wasn't exactly thrilled to see me. No one is, actually, but we're talking about a guy who has been raising one of my sons. Another surprise I got when I came back. That wasn't easy to deal with: suddenly realizing that Anna's sons were mine after all, and that she'd never moved on with her life. Someday I imagine I'll be presented with a "biggest asshole in the world," trophy.
Anyway, I saw Anna, of course, and she hadn't changed at all. It tricks you, stuff like that. It makes you feel like time hasn't passed, like you never left. Only it has, and you did. And it's not easy to try to fit back in. I had one son who would probably gladly put a hole through my heart and another who was happy just throwing me in jail. Then Anna . . . it was hard being around her and thinking she didn't care anymore. She treated me far better than I deserved, but still . . . but it still wasn't easy. The hardest part though, was when she died, and knowing for just a few seconds that she still loved me, and then losing her again.
I thought I would do anything to bring her back. Anything but disrespect her memory. That's why I turned down the opportunity down, and why I . . . did some of the things I did. But now she's back, and she still cares about me, despite everything. It's all so good I don't know what to think about it. Alistair hates me, Adrien hates me, everyone else in the world probably hates me, but Anna doesn't. And that's more than I've had going for me for 25 years.
To be continued . . .