Chapter Nineteen
He crosses the hall and scans the living room, finding Elijah lying on the large couch, staring out of the window, watching the snow. Dom is well aware, however, of the fact that Elijah doesn't really register anything around him, and that he is just silently gazing into nothingness.
Dom sighs, wishing the blank stare on Elijah's face away, as he has truly seen it on enough occasions during the past couple of months to last him a lifetime. He remembers how the empty, slightly confused look had re-appeared at this morning's events, and every time Dom catches the intensely sad eyes, his heart hurts and it reminds him of that other time when life was hard for Elijah.
* * *
Elijah had picked him up from LAX, a few weeks after filming in New Zealand was over. He remembers how he had just flown in from Manchester with a suitcase full of clothes and dreams, and the knowledge he was going to stay with his best friend for as long as they both wanted to. He had felt victorious that day, especially when he remembers how all kinds of beautiful lights had flickered up behind Lij's eyes the moment they embraced.
Yet, no matter how hard he tried to ignore or forget it, Dom had also seen what those beautiful, flickering lights had replaced.
They had replaced a coldness, a darkness, a creepy sense of not knowing where to go anymore, when once all had been so clear. Dom knew that, by flying out and staying with Lij, he had taken much of that gloominess away, but it hadn't actually ended Lij's smouldering depression. In fact, Dom's presence was about to make things considerably worse.
Before his move to LA, the two of them had talked on the phone often, and Dom had listened carefully, and had realised that Lij was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that principal photography was over, and life in LA had started again. Because adjusting had been hard, initially it had felt like an almost impossible task, when the people he thought he knew were so different all of a sudden, and people who thought they knew him, claimed that it was him who had changed an awful lot. On top of that, Elijah had been tired. So fucking tired. During those first weeks he had slept whole days away, simply because he did not have the energy to get up and go out, to prove those people wrong.
Sometimes he was close to tears on the phone when he called Dom, more than once waking him up in the middle of the night, being so desperate to talk to him that he didn't even bother with the time difference. And from everything an often incoherent Elijah had told him during those nightly phonecalls, Dom had slowly begun to realise that what his friend had confessed to him months ago in a messy movie trailer in New Zealand, had finally returned to haunt the boy.
The walls of the guesthouse had rapidly closed in on Elijah the minute he had left Middle Earth and re-entered the City of Angels, a place where everything had suddenly ceased to be normal and familiar and okay. And although being with Dom again soothed his sense of bereavement, it also added to the chaos in his brain.
It had been the perfect opportunity for Confusion to take over Elijah's life.
* * *
Dom shrugs, shaking the memory of those strange first weeks in LA from his mind. He steals another glance at Elijah and realises with a shy smile that things are not nearly the same now as they were then. Because this time Lij is no longer confused about his feelings for Dom. This time Confusion only grips him when he tries to figure out how to take on the rest of the world.
More specifically, today, here, in this hotel in fucking freezing New York City, mere hours before the world premier of The Two Towers, he is again trying to figure out Sean.
"Hey," Dom says softly and sits down on the edge of the couch, grabbing one of Elijah's warm hands in his cold one and places a kiss on it. "Worrying again, are we?" He reaches out his other hand and slides his flat palm affectionately over Lij's newly shorn head, smiling with the sensation.
Elijah throws him a gloomy look and slowly removes his hand from between Dom's, turning his head towards the window again. Dom sighs and retrieves both hands, rests his head in them and rubs at his eyes. He rises again when Elijah doesn't move or speak.
"He'll come round, Lij," he offers weakly, knowing he has said it too often lately and not even believing it himself anymore.
"He's had plenty of chances to do that, you know," Elijah mutters all of a sudden and drags himself up from the couch as well, slowly padding towards the bathroom. "Plenty."
Dom stares dumbly at the grumpy hobbit he's come to love so much. Lij is wearing a pair of his baggiest jeans and possibly his oldest and most threadbare t-shirt. He carelessly adjusts the dark-rimmed glasses on his perfect nose when he turns around to face Dom, doorknob already in hand.
"Why didn't he come round this morning, before we had to sit through that horrendous press conference? Why didn't he give me a look or a few words of understanding then? They even made us sit next to each other, of course... Frodo and his fucking Sam... Why didn't he come round then? He could have whispered something, no one would have noticed. He could have written me a note or something." He hangs his head in defeat and pushes the door open a few inches more. When he looks up there's a hint of the old anger in his face.
"He didn't come round, did he? Because that'd be too much to ask. Instead we sit there side by side for two fucking hours, smiling like morons all the time, finishing each other's sentences because we've heard it all before, laughing with each other's pathetic jokes, making damn sure there isn't a reporter in the house who notices the rift between him and me."
Lij crosses the threshold, disappearing into the bathroom, then he darts back out again, just for a few seconds, and suddenly his eyes are blazing and throw angry bolts of blue fire through the room.
"You know what, Dom? I have kept that fucking door open for him for three months now. Although I really wanted to, I still made sure I didn't shut the damn thing in his face. And what does he do? Nothing! He doesn't make a single fucking move to push it open and reach out for me. Maybe he's expecting me to do that, but I won't. You hear? I won't! And I'm fucking sick and tired of keeping that door open for someone who shows no intention of stepping through it at all!" And with those words he slams the bathroom door with all the force he can muster.
Dom can't help but grin at the actions that accompany Lij's words, but his mood soon changes and with a sigh he stretches out on the couch once more, frowning when he thinks of this morning. Tension between Sean and Elijah had been thick and palpable and ugly before they had walked out to meet the press, and it had certainly been an example of their craftsmanship as actors that not a single journalist had picked up on it.
* * *
"You are not going through with this, you hear?" Sean stands firmly in between the door and his wife and glares at her with a frightening pair of eyes.
"Sean," Christine says, deliberately, clearly. "Stop being such an ass and let me through." She moves towards the door, and, to her utter surprise, finds her husband moving a step closer to her, still blocking her exit.
"Sean!" she calls out, indignant by now, uttering his name in multiple syllables. "Let me through immediately, and stop acting like a child. I'm going up there and I'm taking Dom to lunch and you are going to move your sorry ass over to Elijah's and you're going to apologise profusely until I hear that insane giggle all across Manhattan!"
She moves again and Sean finally shifts, dropping his arms by his sides in surrender and looking at Christine with pleading eyes. "Please," he begs, and his wife raises her eyebrows. "Please, don't do this."
"You're such a coward," she mutters, disappointment clear on her face, and opens the door, stepping into the brightly lit corridor of their hotel. "You have acted like one for the past three months, and the way you behaved this morning really took the biscuit." She starts walking away. "You'd better do this or I won't be there with you tonight, Sean," she throws over her shoulder. "And I strongly suggest you won't try me on this one." She rounds the corner to the elevator and is gone.
* * *
"Could you open that, Lij?" Dom calls from under the shower.
Elijah pads to the door, still rosy and warm from his own shower, and opens it when he sees a familiar figure standing in front of it. "Hey," he grumbles and turns to walk back into the room, picking up his cigarette from the ashtray on the coffee table. Christine closes the door and follows him, watching him crawl back on the couch with a script and a drink and his cigarette perched between his lips.
"Dom's still in the shower," Elijah says, exhaling, pretending to read. "That's okay," she smiles and sits down, placing her purse on the coffee table. "I'll wait." She grabs a discarded magazine from the same table and flicks through it idly, eyes darting to Elijah every now and then.
"You okay?" she asks after a few minutes, barely audible, putting the magazine down slowly. He turns his face to look at her, and lowers the thick script onto the floor. One sip, another sip... What the hell is he drinking at one in the afternoon, Christine wonders, and offers him another smile.
"Sure," Lij says suddenly. "Best day of my life." Even if it was meant to sound sarcastic, Christine can only register sadness. He rises and moves to fill his glass.
"To be honest, Chris," he says, sitting down again, facing her this time. "I am not angry with Sean anymore, but I just don't understand what's going on. His behaviour doesn't make any sense to me, today he acted as if nothing is the matter, and he forced me to pull that off too, in public. I really felt used this morning." He swallows another mouthful and places his glass back on the table, raising apologetic eyes, looking down quickly again.
"Why won't he really talk to me, Chris? What have I done? Doesn't he realise that right now my life is complicated enough without him adding fuel to the fire?" he sighs and curls up on the couch again, once more staring at the snowflakes that are steadily falling, rapidly covering New York in a thick, white blanket.
Dom comes bursting out of the bathroom and stops in his tracks, taking in a sad, solemn Elijah counting snowflakes again, and Christine Astin trying to make sense of whatever went wrong between her husband and his best friend. It's not a very comfortable sight, and he quickly decides to break the silence.
"Hi Chris," he moves in on her and kisses her firmly on both cheeks. Christine relaxes a bit, sensing that at least that much hasn't changed. Dom is still capable of hugging her and meaning it. "Okay," he continues, a cheeky grin firmly in place. "Where are you taking me and what should I wear? Or maybe, even better, you should just come in here and take a look and give me some advice..." And with that he grabs her elbow and they both disappear into the bedroom of the luxurious two-room suite.
* * *
Sean has been nervous before. For auditions, obviously, or opening nights, or when he got married and those tense, final moments before Christine gave birth to their daughters... Yes, he's been nervous before.
But in those cases he was either nervous about something that would not signal the end of the world if he fucked them up, or, when he thinks of his children, it was completely out of his hands anyway. This time, however, it is in his hands, and when he fucks this up, it will signal the end of a friendship that means the world to him. He gets into the elevator, glad to be alone in it, and thinks of that last notion some more.
Does this friendship mean the world to him, or is he fooling himself? Because for the life of him, he cannot explain to himself or anybody else why he is being so stubborn and so protective of someone else's life. In other cases he would have butted out much sooner, but now, with Elijah, he is strangely reluctant to do so. Yet, he realises that his behaviour is having the opposite effect and after so many months, he is just plain scared to look Elijah in the eye. He shivers when he imagines Lij's angry blue gaze upon him, and a wave of nausea swipes through him.
To his annoyance the doors of the elevator open and he notices, barely in time, that he has reached Lij's floor. Unable to reflect some more, or gain some control over his stomach, Sean is now face-to-face with one of four doors in the corridor on the highest floor. He checks the number on the door for a ridiculous number of times, takes a deep breath and then suddenly throws his back against the wall next to the door, breathing hard, scared.
Elijah knows he is coming over. There's no doubt about that.
Chris called Dom with a message that ran something like 'we haven't talked in way too long and I daresay it's necessary' and she had made it so blatantly clear to Dom that his boyfriend was not invited, that Sean is sure bright Elijah has done the math.
He takes another deep breath, realising that he cannot continue to avoid the unavoidable. Chris called him a coward and deep down he knows she is right. Still, he feels that he is right about everything he said during their stay in New Zealand. Elijah just doesn't see it his way and now, finally, after three months, Sean has started to question himself about why he is unable to let the matter rest.
Knowing that it cannot get any worse than this, Sean stands up straight from his slouched position against the wall and finally knocks.
* * *
"Does your husband realise that sometimes I am this close to actually knocking his lights out?" Dom asks, attempting to spear as many fries as possible on his fork. His eyes are stormy and he chews his food so determinedly that Chris knows she made the right choice in bringing this guy out to vent his frustration.
"You know, Dom," she begins and giggles softly. "Would you believe me when I tell you that I have felt the exact same way a couple of times as well? I don't know where his stubbornness is coming from, but I have told him that I have had more than enough of it."
"At first I thought he was just being protective of Lij, and I tried to make him understand that Elijah is no longer the eighteen-year-old he was in New Zealand three years ago, occasionally lonely and far away from home, trying to cope with one of the most emotionally exhausting parts in any actor's lifetime. I have tried to make him see that Lij has grown up, even more so than most people of his age. And I pointed out to him that Elijah may have been very grateful for everything Sean ever did for him, but that it was Sean who always insisted Lij needed him for that. I have never doubted for a minute, that, when given half the chance, Elijah is quite capable of handling his own affairs." She sighs and looks at Dom, sipping from her glass of wine, giving him a gentle smile.
"I have seen you do it too, you know," she continues softly and Dom puts his cutlery down. "I talked to Ian about this the other day, and we both agreed that, for a while, you have tried to run Elijah's life as well. But whereas Sean seems unable to give up control, you seem to have learned to let go and allow the guy to make his own mistakes. You at least understand that you would only drive him away and hurt him terribly in the process."
Christine lowers her eyes and fiddles with the napkin in her lap, struggling to get the next sentence out. "I am so sorry for the way he treats you, Dom," she whispers. "It's embarrassing and we fight about it all the time, and I can only imagine how you must feel. You guys are supposed to be friends..."
Dom throws his napkin on the table and stands up, pulls Christine away from the table, and embraces her for a long time, right there in front of everybody, not giving a damn about what people might say.
"Thank you," he whispers into her hair, stroking her back gently.
* * *
He slowly picks up the bottle from the counter and pours himself a drink. It's barely past noon, but he really needs one. He has been inside the hotel suite for ten minutes now, and he already knows that Elijah is not going to make this easy for him. He picks up his drink and goes to stand in front of the window, staring at the blizzard that is whipping through New York's streets.
Elijah hasn't left his corner on the couch, legs drawn up, script still open, even though Sean probably knows he is not reading a word of it. He has carefully nursed his drink the entire ten minutes that Sean has been inside the room and he silently wishes for the guy to say something. Because if Sean expects him to do that, he may as well leave again.
"Are you very angry with me?" is the first thing that leaves Sean's mouth, scraping all his courage together and turning around to look Elijah in the eyes.
He watches how the boy swallows the last of his drink and fumbles a cigarette out of the packet that had been resting near his thigh. He lights up and exhales, watching Sean all the time, eyes both angry and sad.
"What do you think?" he finally asks, and inhales once more. Sean is annoyed by the fact that Lij isn't giving him a straight answer, but just returns it with another question. If he had wanted that he would have made an appointment with his therapist.
"I don't think anything anymore," he blurts out. "All I know is that we don't talk anymore and that you seem to avoid me, and that I would like to know where we took a wrong turn and, really, if you are angry with me."
Elijah suddenly jumps up from the couch, cigarette balancing precariously on his lip, throwing the script on the coffee table with a loud thud. "I am avoiding you?" he asks unbelievingly, yanking the cigarette from his mouth. "You have got some bloody nerve, you know that?!" He turns and picks up his glass and makes for the bottle on the cabinet, but changes his mind and puts both the bottle and the glass down. He turns around to face Sean, eyes struggling to appear softer.
"Answer the damn question, Astin," he hisses and moves their discussion back on track. "Do you think I'm angry?"
Sean hesitates, then nods and studies his shoes.
"Well," it comes out so tentative and insecure that Sean immediately looks up. "You're wrong." They stare at each other for a long time, until Elijah breaks the spell and turns again, refilling his glass after all and moving back to his beloved corner on the couch. "I quit being angry with you even before we left New Zealand again. All I wanted was for you to talk to me and say you acknowledge my decisions. I'm not asking you to agree with them or anything, I just want you to quit fighting me over this. Stop acting as if you need to protect me from something horrible." His face darkens slightly. "Dom is nothing horrible. He is beautiful. In fact, he is the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. He never judges me, I never have to act with him and that's what I think true friends should be like."
Sean slowly sits on the couch as well, taking in the words, well aware of the fact that he has judged Elijah all these months, and that he has forced him to act the part of the true friend during this morning's press conference.
"Is it hard for you to admit that I love a man?" A tentative pause. "Is that it?" Elijah's voice is gentle and they look at each other.
Sean slowly shakes his head, not breaking the stare and murmurs softly. "It's not that."
"Then what? Why does Chris have to practically abduct my boyfriend and blackmail you into making you come and talk to me?" More scented smoke erupts from Lij's mouth and Sean just stares at him. "I'm no fool, Sean, I know what's going on around here. I bet she told you you could tackle the premier on your own tonight if you wouldn't go and talk to me before the flick hits the screen."
A smile plays around Sean's lips. Bright Elijah has done the math.
"It's just that I don't want to see you get hurt, Lij," he says softly. "At first I projected all that fear on Dom and on the fact that he was going to be bad for you, and break your heart, but that's unfair to him and I don't think that anymore. I hope Chris will be able to make him see that right as we speak..."
He takes a sip from his still very full glass and steals a glance at Elijah, taking a deep breath. "You know how I hate to give up control, don't you?" and his voice has dropped to a mere whisper. "I have spent so many years looking out for you, and even though you didn't really need me to do that, you allowed it and gave me that while you were Frodo and I was your Sam. It felt good to look out for you, protect you, make sure you were happy. You tend to bring that out in people, Lij, everybody wants to make you happy. Now I just have to get used to the idea that Dom might be the one looking out for you. It is difficult and painful because it makes me feel as if the thing that connected me to you has been taken away from me. By your choices, by the fact that you're an adult now who is in control of his own life, by Dom taking over from me... I think I am just very scared of losing you to him."
Elijah has shifted on the couch and is now sitting next to Sean, who does his best to hide the tears that are threatening to fall from his eyes. "I think I am just very scared of losing you - period," he then adds, and two tears roll down his face. "Because it was you who helped me make these movies. You brought out every emotion I needed for it, emotions that I wouldn't dare look at before. You showed me so much by simply being who you are, silently teaching me things about parenthood, being a father, having a father, urging me to take a different, better look at my daughters all over again. You may not want to believe this, but you actually taught me to give up control every now and then, and that alone probably helped me keep my sanity and maybe even save my marriage."
Sean wipes at his tears, and Elijah has started stroking the small of his back, resting his head on Sean's shoulder, staring at the smoke that is curling away from the cigarette in the ashtray.
"I cannot afford to lose you, Lij," he finally whispers. "You mean too much... I love you too much."
Elijah turns on the couch and pulls Sean close to his chest, holding him tight, feeling the broad shoulders shake against his body. His hand is softly stroking Sean's hair and he places a kiss against his temple. "You are a fool, Sean," he murmurs and they gently rock back and forth together. "A sweet, sweet fool..."
Outside the blizzard picks up more and more force and three blocks away a desperate attempt is made to raise a makeshift tent over a plastic-covered red carpet. Tonight the plastic will be removed and both carpet and streets will be lined with people who cannot wait to see the continuing story of friendship and hardship and sacrifice and love.
Chapter Twenty + Epilogue
Meet Confusion Index