"Guys are jerks, women are psychotic."
- Kurt Vonnegut

"Nobody will ever win battle of the sexes... there's too much fraternizing with the enemy."
- Henry Kissinger

"When nosy relatives ask you when you're going to have children, tell them you had one for breakfast and then belch."
- Caroline Gently

"A banana of politicians: They start off straight and green, soon turn yellow and bent, and end up going rotten as a bunch."
- A letter in the SMH, about collectives

"The quickest way to a man's heart is not through his stomache, but through his chest with an axe."
- unknown

"The story so far: in the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

"There are many kinds of vampire. Indeed, some claim there are as many types of vampires as there are diseases. Which presumably means that some are virulent and deadly, while others just make you walk in a funny way and avoid fruit."
- Terry Pratchett, "Carpe Jugulum"

"Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men."
- Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, "Good Omens"

"What moron said knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed."
- Paula Poundstone

"How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom you're on."
- unknown

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their disinclination to do so."
- Douglas Adams

"Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played Dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris."
- Oscar Wilde

"I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter."
- Tommy Cooper

"Normal is just a cycle on the washing mashine."
- Whoopi Goldberg

Bumper stickers:
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"Earn cash in your spare time: blackmail your friends."
"Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat."
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."
"Your kid may be an honour student, but you'e still an idiot."

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