Title: Behind the Scenes
Author: Regina Wren
E-mail: wren13 @ gmail.com
Fandom & Pairings: Janne Da Arc; ka-yu x yasu
Keywords: yaoi, romance
Rating: Teens
Words: 2,084
Status: Complete
Disclaimer: Janne Da Arc are not mine. I just rewrite their reality a little. I do not, however, presume to write reality; this is all fantasy except for some references to reality. I’m not profiting from this and it’s certainly not intended to hurt anyone.
Comments: For Griffin because she threat- I mean, convinced me to write this. *eyes Griffin’s whip warily* And for Cary who wrote up the concert report that inspired this in the first place. Thank you!
By Regina Wren
The entrance hall to the apartment building glistened where wet umbrellas had dripped water all over the floor, lights reflecting brightly off the droplets. Yasu’s eyes were focused on the ground, dream-like sparkles of water and light filling his vision, but his thoughts remained on the man walking beside him. Normally they would have been chatting or joking, but today Ka-yu had been in one of his moods and rejected any attempts to draw him out of his self-imposed shell.
Either that or else they’d be out with the other guys celebrating the end of their tour, but Ka-yu had surprised him when they came off stage. He’d pulled Yasu aside and quietly suggested they head home instead. Not that there seemed to be much of a change in his mood now, Yasu reflected a little sulkily. Well, if Ka-yu was going to be a jerk all evening he could damn well sleep on the couch.
Yasu hunched his shoulders, retracting one hand from his pocket only to press the elevator button, his movements in the familiar building purely automatic. The adrenalin of their concert was finally cooling in his veins leaving behind fatigue and a strange loneliness that always settled in when he came offstage. Mostly when that was the case he only wanted to go home and curl up in bed next to his girlfriend. Or boyfriend since he’d started dating Ka-yu.
It had been a great show, even messing up at the start of Carnation hadn’t ruined that, and You had just laughed with him, grinning good-naturedly when Yasu suddenly kissed him, and their second attempt at the song went fine. There had even been a foreign girl with what looked like her father in the audience. He’d been so excited, and even Ka-yu seemed to loosen up and enjoy the concert in the end. Even if he did seem a bit aloof during the show... Yasu’s eyes flickered up to Ka-yu’s face. The other man had his hands shoved in his pockets, his gaze lost somewhere in space.
At first they’d all tried to get Ka-yu to relax with the rest of them, but after the first few curt responses the band and staff stayed out of his way. Even Kiyo, who no one could ever snap at, couldn’t get Ka-yu to chill out. Still, Yasu couldn’t shake the feeling that Ka-yu’s eyes were always on him, but whenever he’d he turned to check the bassist was absorbed in something or other.
They had spent a few days in Osaka with their families before coming back here, and Yasu wondered if anything had happened between coming to Tokyo and their concert tonight. Maybe it wasn’t his business but Ka-yu was his lover and if anything had happened...
The elevator chimed; Yasu hadn’t even noticed them reaching his floor, and he stepped out into the hallway. Ka-yu had even backed off from doing fanservice with him tonight, confusing everyone, Yasu included. It wasn’t like Ka-yu to shake his head and move away. Whatever the fuck was up, Ka-yu better have a damn good explanation.
Yasu suppressed a sigh as he opened his door. His apartment wasn’t exactly large, but he’d lived in worse, and there was something comforting about coming home. The place was just like he’d left it before the tour except for what he’d touched after their driver dropped him off last night. He half expected Boss to come running to greet him at that moment. But the little dog wasn’t here - still being looked after by his friend, Hiro, while he was touring - he’d go pick her up tomorrow. The place felt just a little lonely without her, he thought, as he stepped out of his shoes.
Yasu ran one hand across his tired eyes. The desire for company welled up again as usual when he came home after a tour, as though all the comforting noise had been sucked out of his life. That was how he’d got together with Ka-yu too. At the time it was pure loneliness; he didn’t think either of them had expected to stay together afterwards. He cast another glance at the other man. Normally he wouldn’t have hesitated to drag him into the bedroom, but today...
“Uh... Ka-yu? You want a drink or anything?”
“Nah, I’m cool.”
He watched as the bassist wandered over to the couch, searching his pockets for a cigarette. At least that moody glare was gone, but damnit, if Ka-yu didn’t say something soon he was going to go mad.
“Ka-yu, is something up? You’ve been a little...” Yasu struggled to find a word that wasn’t too insulting, “weird today.” That was putting it mildly. “Did something happen yesterday?”
Ka-yu lit up a cigarette, his face illuminated for a moment by the flame of his lighter. The dim glow made him look suddenly exhausted, or was that only Yasu’s imagination? He reached for the light switch, bathing the little living room in light, and the strange illusion was gone. For a moment only the soft patter of raindrops against his window broke the silence, and Yasu leaned wearily against the wall facing Ka-yu. The bassist’s tattooed arms rested on his knees, cigarette in one hand as he exhaled smoke into the air... Ka-yu’s arms, the arms that wrapped firmly around him at night after their lovemaking. Again he determinedly squelched the urge to move over to his lover’s side.
Ka-yu barely glanced at him. “It’s nothing.”
Yasu’s eyebrows furrowed at those words. That was not what he wanted to hear. Now that they were alone he at least expected Ka-yu to say something, especially since it was his suggestion that they come back here rather than go out with the rest of Janne Da Arc. “C’mon Ka-yu, if you’re pissed off about something you could at least tell me...”
Yasu only just had time to register Ka-yu abandoning his cigarette in the ashtray and standing up before the bassist’s hands were planted against the wall either side of his head, and Ka-yu was leaning in towards him almost threateningly. If he’d ever known Ka-yu to be spiteful he would have thought the words were hissed at him. “You want to know what’s been bothering me, Yasu? What I haven’t been able to get out of my head all fucking day?”
Surprise still hadn’t let Yasu’s thoughts fully catch up with the situation when lips were being pressed against his mouth. The whole scene had just suddenly stopped making any kind of sense: one moment Ka-yu was seated on the couch sunk in one of his moods, and now...
His kiss was fierce, almost rough, pressing Yasu’s head back against the wall. Ka-yu was never forceful when they were alone together. Yeah, sometimes they’d wrestle and beat up on each other in fun with the other guys. But whatever tough persona Ka-yu presented in public was abandoned at the door and he became a gentle, though no less passionate lover in bed.
And then Yasu realised. There was desperation in that kiss. Almost as though Ka-yu were afraid of something, letting go, not being understood. At the same time something felt like it had just unknotted inside Yasu’s chest.
One hand raised, touched the side of Ka-yu’s face, and fingers slid into his hair. The smells of tobacco and cologne so familiar, and at the same time the emotion in his lips so different from usual spun in Yasu’s mind. He didn’t know what was going on, but he wasn’t about to let Ka-yu wander through his gloom alone.
Before he could deepen the kiss further Ka-yu pulled away, though he didn’t move away completely. Yasu could feel his boyfriend’s warm breath tickling the skin at his throat, and he swallowed. “Ka-yu...” but whatever words he was going to say fled his mind when Ka-yu rested his forehead against the wall, his voice directly in Yasu’s ear.
“Yasu.” He wanted Ka-yu to hold him, to be able to see his face, but the other man wasn’t moving. “You don’t want to hear this, I know, but it’s been driving me so crazy.”
Then he took a breath and straightened, finally pulling away from Yasu. His eyes had gone dark again as though he had shut away whatever he was feeling behind them, and Yasu’s heart sank at the sight. He wasn’t going to shut him out again, was he?
“I love you, Yasu.”
Okay. Not what he was expecting to hear. But Ka-yu was already continuing.
“It’s just... I know we never wanted this to be anything serious, just casual or whatever. But I realised yesterday when you were flirting with that woman at the station. I don’t know what happened but... And then when you kissed You today at the concert...” his hands clenched and unclenched uselessly by his sides. Suddenly he looked so vulnerable, averting his eyes as his voice trailed off. Ka-yu vulnerable?
Unable to stay away Yasu stepped forward, reaching out to cup his lover’s face lightly with both hands so that Ka-yu would look at him again. After spending half their lives around each other he could read Ka-yu’s jealousy like an open book, even if he never said anything directly.
“Ka-yu, you know all that doesn’t mean anything. Especially on stage; it’s all for the fans.”
A gust of wind blew rain against the window, then subsided again.
Ka-yu’s hands rested on Yasu’s hips, perhaps out of habit, perhaps because he didn’t know what else to do with them, and his voice was oddly gruff when he spoke again. “I know, Yasu. But it reminded me.” Ka-yu’s jaw muscles tensed under Yasu’s palms and that tough stubbornness was back in his expression, the strain of anger turned inwards. For all his joking and fun-loving personality Ka-yu had a perversely self-destructive streak.
“I kept thinking, ‘I’m fucking my vocalist and he’s a guy.’ And then watching you happily flirting with other people I realised that I’m in love with a person who doesn’t feel the same,” the restrained tension made his voice rough and raw. “I mean, fuck, Yasu. I never expected to spend more than a few months with anyone, especially not another man. And like hell this society will ever understand.” Bitterness tinged his words, but whether that was directed at himself or at the world around them was not clear.
“I’m sorry, Yasu. It’s just all so fucked up.”
After all that Yasu could only stand mute for a moment. A heavy weight had just settled in his chest, though what it was he didn’t know, so he said the only thing he knew for certain at that moment. “Ka-yu, I’m not going to walk out on you. You’re my lover, that’s not going to change, not for the fans or for anyone else.” He felt the fingers at his waist tense and relax again like some small gesture of comfort never followed through.
What he wanted to tell Ka-yu was not to worry, that all they could do was live each moment as it came, and to deal with the rest of the world when and if they had to, but the words in his head sounded like he should have been singing them. Instead he wrapped his arms around Ka-yu’s neck and leaned up to kiss that mouth again. If he couldn’t say the words perhaps the feeling behind them was enough to pass from his lips to Ka-yu’s.
Strong arms wrapped around his back, pulling him closer to feel the warmth of Ka-yu’s body even through layers of clothing.
They stood there for a long time before they broke apart again. Even then Yasu only leaned closer, catching his breath against the base of Ka-yu’s neck, resting his head on his lover’s shoulder. He felt warm there in Ka-yu’s arms. Somehow he’d always felt that.
Without moving he asked, “Ka-yu? Why did you pull away tonight when we were on stage?” Was he so twisted up against the world that he didn’t even feel like fanservice? But he didn’t say it, trusting Ka-yu would know what he was talking about.
The reply was a throaty murmur. “I was worried that you would find out the truth, somehow, when you got too close to me.”
Yasu smiled into Ka-yu’s neck, tightening his hold around the other man’s shoulders. “We’ll be alright. I’m not going anywhere.” Maybe if he said it enough Ka-yu would start believing it.
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2004.10.11