Comments: Before this spreads too far, yasu's dog is called Oyakata, which means Master or Boss, which is what her name has traditionally been translated as. Also, I suck at writing lemons. I find lemon writing to be like slicing open a vein. But it was necessary in this story.

I wrote a fic years ago called Steppingstones, but I was never happy with it so I'm plagiarising myself in writing this story. One final warning, it's flashback-heavy, but I hope I made it clear enough.



Drifting Leaves
By Regina Wren



Cold wind nipped at Yasu's face, and with a little difficulty he managed to pull his bean hat lower over his ears. In one arm he carried a plastic bag, and with the other hand he held onto Boss' lead, hampering his actions. The little Papillon trotted at his side, tail wagging happily, and wrapped in her doggy-jumper apparently not minding the cold. Tokyo was always so cold in winter. Realistically it was probably no colder than Osaka, but his home town had never felt quite so cold, even during the most bitter seasons.

Light shone from buildings all around, windows lit up where people were probably sitting down to dinner. The glistening pavement reflected streetlights, recent rain making the sidewalk sparkle and shine, lighting up the way home. One of Janne Da Arc's new songs hung in his head and Yasu absently began to hum along. Despite the cold it was a nice night, quiet and refreshing.

A young couple walked past him and he gently tugged Boss out of the way. The man's arm was wrapped comfortably around the woman's waist and they spoke quietly as they walked. Yasu bit back the urge to sigh.

The universe seemed to be prodding cruelly at him by making young couples pass him today: beautiful women and handsome men, happy, smiling at each other, their hands entwined or lightly touching. Yasu kept his eyes turned away, tendrils of jealously and shameful anger creeping through his heart. He didn't mean to be either jealous or angry and concentrated on walking, trying not to begrudge them their happiness. But at the same time another part of him knew that if Ka-yu were walking with him they would never be seen as anything other than friends. Which was fine, really, it wasn't that Yasu wanted to tell the world he was sleeping with another man, but he couldn't help but feel a little rejected, unwanted, like he didn't belong in that world of roses and cheer.

As he approached his apartment building he glanced up at the windows shining above him. Lights shone welcomingly, among them his own where Ka-yu waited for him to come home.

Avex hadn't been particularly thrilled when Ka-yu moved into Yasu's one-bedroom apartment with him. The record company had told the two of them in polite but no uncertain terms that if they insisted on moving in together they had to keep it quiet and not cause any trouble for the company. As if they were suddenly going to stop being discreet about something that had been going on for four years already. Yasu smiled a little bitterly at the thought. Although he was glad Avex had taken it as well as they had. At worst they could have dropped the band's contract out of fear over what would happen to one of their rising star acts if it became public that the vocalist and bassist were gay. The thought had crossed his mind, until Ka-yu pointed out how unlikely it was that they were the only gay people in the entire Japanese music industry.

His dog tugged Yasu impatiently up the staircase.

"Yes, Boss, I'm coming," he told her, hunching his shoulders so that his neck was less exposed to the wind.

It was this morning when he had received a wedding invitation from one of his oldest friends that he'd started thinking. Chie had been his girlfriend for a few months in high school and they had remained friends over the years. He couldn't be happier for her of course, but receiving that invitation had put him in a weird mood all day. It brought to mind so many thoughts that he normally tried to ignore, and so many memories...



~*~



Chie waved goodbye cheerfully.

"I'll see you after school then, Yasu. Will you be there?" she asked.

"Yeah. I'll come by and pick you up."

"Okay." She beamed, delighted by the words. Then she turned and headed off towards her own school.

Yasu smiled as he watched her. The wind made her skirt flutter against her thighs, and her uniform fitted close enough to reveal the soft curves of her figure beneath it. Long pigtails fell forward over her shoulders, and feather-light strands worked their way loose at the back of her head, brushing her neck. That was what he remembered most clearly when he looked back to those days, those light strands of hair at the back of her neck. Memory was a strange thing sometimes.

"Hey Yasu! What are you doing here so early?" a familiar voice called out.

When Yasu turned he saw You wandering over, with Ka-yu trailing a few steps behind him. Despite the fact that he went to a different school Ka-yu still occasionally hung out with them, like they had done back in middle school when they first got a band together. He and You both smiled in greeting, though Yasu didn't miss the trace of drying blood on Ka-yu�s bottom lip.

"I was just saying goodbye to Chie. What the fuck happened to you?"

Ka-yu touched his bloodied lip with the back of his hand and muttered something that sounded like "fight." In itself that wasn't too unusual. That gang Ka-yu sometimes hung around with got into fights on a regular basis and given some of the stuff Ka-yu told him that was the least of their transgressions. Still Yasu stared at him.

"This morning?" Who the hell got into fights before school?

"Apparently Ryou jumped him before he even got down the street," You spoke up. "Claimed he saw Ka-yu hitting on his girlfriend."

"She came up to me yesterday after school to ask if I'd seen Ryou around," Ka-yu grimaced. "What was I supposed to do? Tell her to get lost in case her boyfriend got jealous?"

As though on cue a group of boys wandered past them. One of them had a slightly swollen face and gave Ka-yu a poisonous look as they passed. Ka-yu simply stared back, a silent challenge.

As soon as they were out of sight again You grinned.

"I think that's going to be a black eye. You certainly improved his face, Ka-yu."

"Ryou's an arsehole. He deserved it," Yasu nodded.

Ka-yu smiled savagely.

The sky above was intensely blue and Yasu stretched towards the sunshine. A flurry of leaves tumbled through the sky over his head, tossed helplessly on the wind. It was the first sunny day in weeks, and although the wind was still chilly, the sun was cheering and warm on his face. Of course the fact that he and Chie had met up this morning no doubt helped lift his mood.

"So guys, ready for our last few weeks of school?"

"Hell yeah!" Ka-yu seemed unusually energised, full of restlessness. Apparently that little fight had helped wake him up and he was now ready to face the day.

"Yeah, can't wait till this is all over," You said. "I've had more than enough of this place for a lifetime."

Around them students were trickling into the school.

"By the way, the band want to cancel practice on Sunday," Yasu told You. "Everyone's studying for exams. We'll get together again when it's all over."

"Yeah, that's fine."

There was never a doubt as to the band's future once they graduated of course; they'd most definitely stay together and keep going. Something real could come from this; they just needed to find some more gigs to play.

Yasu glanced up at the school building. Soon he would be entering it for the last time. And if he had his way he wasn't going to be coming back here ever again. Still, it made him feel a little weird that his years of studying were finally coming to an end.



~*~



Yasu pushed open his door. Immediate light and warmth greeted him as well as the sound of the television in the living room, and he hurried inside, shutting out the cold winter.

"I'm home!" he called out over the noise of engines. Ka-yu was apparently watching some motorbike racing or something from the sounds of it.

"Welcome back," the other man called out. The sound on the TV was turned down so that it was no longer distracting, and Yasu let Boss off her lead. She immediately wandered away into the living room, and he heard Ka-yu's voice drift back to him. "Hi Boss. Yeah, I missed you too."

Leaving his shoes by the door, Yasu was pulling off his hat by the time Ka-yu appeared in the doorway.

"I bought us dinner on the way home." He held up the bag to emphasise the point, dangling it infront of Ka-yu's face, and his partner's eyes lit up at the sight.

"Great! I'm starving."

Yasu laughed when Ka-yu eagerly took their dinner and disappeared into the kitchen with it. The way to a man's heart... He thought fondly as he slipped out of his coat and walked down the hall to hang it up. The rustling of plastic and clinking porcelain came from the kitchen; elsewhere a bell tinkled where Boss was evidently playing with one of her toys. Listening to the sounds of home the warmth of their small apartment felt suddenly so good to him.

When he and Ka-yu had stopped dating women it was only because they wanted to see if anything could come from their relationship. They were really only seeing what may be, if it might work, but he didn't think either of them had seriously expected anything to come from this. Somehow whatever they had, had become more than either of them ever expected, and when Ka-yu moved in with him it seemed like they were both acknowledging their relationship as something with real potential. It was certainly when the rest of their band and their record company found out about their relationship, although for some reason no one seemed particularly surprised.

He took a breath and followed his partner into the kitchen. Chie's invitation still stood below the window where he'd left it before they went into the studio this morning.

"Did I tell you Chie's getting married?"

"Yeah? As in, Chie from high school? Last time I saw her she had pigtails. Doesn't seem that long ago, really."

"Yeah, no kidding. It's pretty weird when people you were young with are getting married."

Ka-yu murmured his agreement as he sat down at the kitchen table. He had arranged their food between them, and the scent of vegetables and spices wafted deliciously through the room.

"Yasu, come eat."

Hunger temporarily pushed aside other thoughts, and he took a seat opposite Ka-yu, happy to try and forget for a moment the thoughts that had been plaguing him all day.



~*~



Janne Da Arc trooped off stage. The cheering of fans and pounding of the music still rang in Yasu's ears. Someone pressed a towel into his hand and he bowed his thanks instinctively. Sweat covered his skin, and his blood felt hot and alive, racing through his body.

He rubbed the towel through his wet hair, trying to get out excess sweat and water.

It had been a great concert with a fantastic crowd. He would have loved to remain on stage for longer; there was nothing in the world that could compare to that feeling of standing on stage, throwing himself into the music, performing for their fans. That was what it was to be alive, to leave the outside world behind for a few hours and to touch the stars, until he came off stage drenched in sweat, breathless, and wonderfully wrung out, much like after a satisfying night of sex.

"Okay, now, who wants to do that again?"

Yasu pulled the towel off his head so that he could see Ka-yu. The bassist was grinning all over, far from exhausted yet.

"Maybe tomorrow," Shuji told him, stretching and smiling crookedly. "The last thing I want to do is sit down any longer."

The backstage area was suddenly full of people - roadies, technicians, record company staff - and the band headed back to the green room. Ka-yu immediately stripped off his shirt as though he were in a dressing room and flung it carelessly over the nearest convenient chair.

"We should go out and do something," he suggested.

The prospect sounded good to Yasu and he was about to say so, but You looked apologetic.

"Actually I told Miyu I'd see her after the concert. Sorry guys."

Ka-yu smiled easily.

"That's right," he said. "Go and have your romantic evening and leave the rest of us losers to entertain ourselves."

"I'm sure you will," You grinned. "What about you, Yasu? Don't you want to spend time with Nanae?"

Yasu's heart clenched painfully at the sound of that name.

"We broke up." He was pleased to notice his voice was perfectly controlled when he spoke though. Being a singer helped like that sometimes.

"I'm sorry." You's contact-blue eyes were gentle, and Yasu turned his gaze away with a casual shrug.

"It's okay." Ever since he and Nanae had broken up he'd tried telling himself that it just wasn't meant to last. The winds of destiny blew them in separate directions, or something cheesy like that. But it didn't stop the pain.

"Hey, cheer up," Ka-yu said, slinging an arm around his shoulders. "You still have me."

Despite the aching inside Yasu had to laugh.

"Shut up." He flicked his towel at Ka-yu's chest, making him jump back instinctively. But Ka-yu had achieved his purpose in making him laugh and Yasu was grateful to his friend.

Not that anyone else knew, but it was true that they sometimes fooled around with each other, but if he gave Ka-yu head, or if Ka-yu jerked him off it didn't mean anything more than friends giving each other company and relief when there were no women in their lives. It wasn't supposed to be a substitute to a relationship, but it was better than being completely alone.

"Guys, congratulations," Mizuki was beaming as she came over to the band. "You were great."

Various thankyous, nods, and smiles replied before their hair stylist could speak again.

"Get changed, you guys. The staff are treating you to dinner tonight."

"Score! Free meal!" It might even help keep his mind off Nanae for a while, Yasu added to himself.

"I'll be back in half an hour," she laughed. "I need to talk to the rest of the staff. But again, well done everyone."

They'd only been a major band for two years, but already they were becoming bigger than Yasu had ever dreamed. Of course he had always imagined being signed to a major label and making a living off music, but it had never really seemed like a feasible reality that they would be playing infront of hundreds of fans. Yet now people were flocking to see them, singing along to his words and loving it. There was something very humbling in that.

He was nudged out of his thoughts by Shuji's voice.

"Hey, Yasu, get your arse in gear if you want to come to dinner with the rest of us."

"Yeah, yeah..." Yasu smiled patiently. His job really was awesome though, and better than anything else in his life.



~*~



With dinner over Yasu listened vaguely to Ka-yu speaking about the bikes in whatever race he had been watching. His attention was more focused on the blue and white wedding invitation over Ka-yu's shoulder.

He was thirty now. When he was younger he'd always imagined himself getting married at thirty, maybe having children one day. But now none of that was an option. Of course he loved Ka-yu but he'd never once expected to be in this situation either. Instead of having a girlfriend or a wife, he was sharing a bed and a life with another man, one of his oldest school friends. It made him unusually contemplative when he thought about it now.

"Yasu, where are you?" Ka-yu calling his name brought his attention back to the present.

"Hm? Sorry, I was just thinking."

"Obviously," Ka-yu smiled. "You're all quiet today. Something on your mind?"

Yasu shrugged and leaned back.

"Promise you won't laugh?"

"Would I do that?"

Yasu shot him a look that spoke volumes.

"Okay, okay. I was only teasing," Ka-yu winked, but at the same time he gave Yasu's knee a gentle nudge under the table. Yasu knew him well enough to recognise the subtle encouragement in that touch telling him: speak, I'm here, I'm listening. The concern and comfort he sensed in that gesture made him smile.

"Well, actually I was thinking about us."

Ka-yu's eyebrows rose in surprise but he let Yasu continue speaking.

"It's been about three years since we stopped seeing women, and something like five years since I gave you that first blow job." They had been at Ka-yu's place, in the middle of crazy typhoon weather, and horribly horny. It was no big deal at the time, but it had begun to bring them steadily and certainly closer.

"Has it been that long?"

"Yeah..." Memories rose to the surface of his thoughts, memories of the two of them. Sneaking into each other's hotel rooms on tour, including that one time he hid under Ka-yu's blankets when they were suddenly disturbed and Shuji thought he was a girl that Ka-yu has secretly brought back with him. And from earlier times, at karaoke with some other school friends, and in Ka-yu's bedroom at his parents' house going through his music collection. Yasu's voice became softer. "It's almost a year now since we moved in together. Did you ever expect us to last this long?"

"God, no." Ka-yu looked a little sheepish when he said that. "I figured we'd step on each other's toes within six months after we got together, tops."

Yasu glanced at the table. There were their crockery and their belongings, and down the hall was their bed. Somewhere along the way they'd become more than just friends-with-benefits, but he wasn't entirely sure when that had happened. Was it when they had decided to become exclusive, or was it before that even? Somehow it was almost like they'd simply fallen towards each other along the way, drifted together like leaves falling in a breeze. But it had taken Yasu a long time to realise how he felt about his friend.

"It just seems strange. I never expected this, so..." Yasu let out a sigh. "I don't know. It's just weird thinking about all the things that have changed over the years when one of your ex-girlfriends is getting married."

"Yeah, I know." There was a strange look in Ka-yu's eyes, something quiet and distant. "What we have is anything but a conventional relationship. I mean, you're my best friend, and as far as our household goes, neither of us is exactly the homemaker type. But I don't care. I'd rather be with you than with anyone else."

"I know," Yasu smiled. Ka-yu didn't have to say he loved him for Yasu to know the truth of it, and it warmed his heart just to think about.

His gaze went to the floor where Boss sat beside them, gazing up at him with begging eyes.

"You had your dinner, Boss, and your slaves needed theirs too, we were hungry."

Ka-yu nodded and pushed his chair back.

"Yeah," he said and scooped the small dog up in his arms before standing up. "Come on, Boss. Let's get out of the way while mummy tidies up."

She tried to lick Ka-yu's face in reply as he scratched her neck. It never ceased to amuse Yasu to see how sweetly Ka-yu treated their pets, the gentle side that came out when he wasn't keeping up his badboy image, and Yasu cheerfully shooed the two of them out of the kitchen before getting started on collecting the dishes.



~*~



"What time do we have to be up tomorrow?"

"Well, the crew want to be on the road by nine," Kiyo said.

Shuji groaned out loud.

Secretly Yasu agreed with the drummer's response, but not just because he hated getting up early. The performance had energised him rather than exhausted him, and now he felt more like going out, finding a girl and going to a love hotel with her, rather than returning to his cold hotel room and sleeping alone. It was times like this that his body ached to touch another, to be kissed and loved, and to fall asleep in someone's arms.

His eyes sought out Ka-yu, wondering what the bassist was thinking. The sleeveless shirt revealed long, muscular arms, tattoos marking the skin, danger mingled with desire. Ka-yu's figure looked even more slender in black, badboy and sex appeal in one.

Yasu glanced away, aware that he was staring. If there were no women around them, he was usually welcome in Ka-yu's bed. They'd agreed that once either of them had a girlfriend they would stop, but these days they were always so busy working that there wasn't much time for women. And right now there was nothing more desirable to a sex-starved Yasu than the man walking beside him.

"Right guys, see you tomorrow." You was laughing about something or other with Shuji as the guitarist unlocked his door.

"Yeah, goodnight," Kiyo said with a little wave.

Yasu waited until the others had said their goodbyes and disappeared into their rooms, then he placed a hand on Ka-yu's shoulder just as the bassist too was turning away.

"Ka-yu," he lowered his voice as Ka-yu turned back to him. "Are you tired yet?"

"Well..." Ka-yu inclined his head thoughtfully. The stud in his bottom lip twinkled in the light, catching Yasu's gaze. His eyes traced the line of Ka-yu's lip, reminded of the way those lips felt on his. "Not really tired, no."

"You want to come in for a while?" Yasu asked, tearing his gaze away and nodding at his room. "If you don't have some girl you'd rather phone up instead, of course." He trusted Ka-yu to understand what he was suggesting and he didn't elaborate.

Then Ka-yu grinned and shrugged.

"Sure. Why not?"

Excellent. Yasu was sure his elation showed on his face but he didn't care. The hotel corridor remained empty, though he glanced down the hall anyway, purely out of habit. There was no way anyone could know what went on between them behind closed doors, but it still made him feel more at ease when there was no one around to ask questions.

Once Yasu closed the door again behind them, Ka-yu spoke up.

"Feeling lonely tonight?"

"Not really," Yasu grinned at him cheekily. "Just horny."

The spacious room grew unnaturally warm when Ka-yu stepped confidently closer.

"You just want me to fuck you."

"Basically. Yes."

The smiles on their faces faded into a kiss, and Yasu wrapped his arms around Ka-yu, clinging to the broad shoulders. Ka-yu's tongue filled his mouth and he closed his eyes blissfully. This was what he'd been missing the whole long week.

Muscular arms wrapped around his waist, and almost instinctively his body arched against Ka-yu's, trying to be closer, needing to be closer. He tangled his hands in Ka-yu's hair. The smell of sweat still clung to them after the concert, the smell of energy and excitement, and Yasu breathed it in, feeling it surround him.

Stumbling backwards, a little off balance, Yasu felt his back and shoulders pressed into the wall. But he never let up his hold, starved of Ka-yu's touch for too long, at last able to revel in the other man's satiating presence. He didn't stop to question this feeling, knowing only that Ka-yu was the cure to some terrible thirst, and that he was here now for as long as Yasu wanted him to be.



~*~



Yasu sat on the couch beside his partner. Ka-yu was restringing one of his basses, and on television some entertainment show was playing soft pop music. A quiet scratching from the back of the room indicated where the chinchilla, Pino, was climbing around his cage, but other than that, the room was still.

Boss wandered over, seeking attention and Yasu rubbed her head affectionately. She meaningfully dropped her ball onto his foot and he obliged by tossing it across the room for her. He watched her scamper off after it and leaned back with a sigh.

"Something wrong?" Ka-yu asked, placing his bass on the table infront of them, strings shining, good as new again.

Only a few moments later something nudged Yasu's ankle and he bent to throw Boss her ball again. Again she took off across the room, almost colliding with the table in her enthusiasm.

"Have you ever noticed that whenever people talk, they always talk about men like they're looking for a girlfriend?" Yasu nodded at the television where a commercial for a holiday showed a man and a woman walking along the beach.

Ka-yu shifted on the couch so that he was facing Yasu better.

"What's up, Yasu?" That's a really weird thing to say, even for you. He didn't say it, but he didn't have to, Yasu could almost hear the words in his head.

Already Boss was back again, staring up at Yasu wide-eyed. But when he reached down to scratch her ears she only nudged his palm with her nose as though she could sense there was something troubling him.

"People are always talking about couples and love and all that stuff, but they never talk about people like us. And okay, I don't expect that, but I feel like I don't even exist in their world." Yasu slouched back on the couch. "You and I can stand on stage infront of thousands of people and we still won't exist in their minds because they just don't think about it. But at least when I'm on stage I feel like I'm someone, rather than nothing."

"Yasu?" A hand took hold of his arm, stroking it lightly, and Yasu looked up at his partner. Ka-yu's gaze was steady and serene and he took a breath.

"When I was walking Boss earlier I couldn't help but be jealous of all the couples that passed me," he confessed. "It's not like I want the world to know that you and I are together, I just wish I didn't feel so... non-existent." How could he articulate it? How could he say what he was feeling?

When you were with someone of the same sex, significant moments were a matter of millimetres and seconds: the millimetres you could get away with standing too close, and the seconds you could stretch out when you touched, not long enough to be suspicious, not short enough to be like everybody else. The whole of public life consisted of such stolen moments. It was something straight people never thought twice about.

"Listen," Ka-yu said, shifting closer. "I know we don't live in the most accepting country, and even I freaked out when you told me you liked me as more than a friend, but there are good people in this society too. Like our band. The guys accept us the way we are and they still think of us like family."

That reassuring touch on his arm made Yasu relax somewhat.

"But Ka-yu, you've never been the type to stick to expectations, even back in high school. Me, I never thought about any other option but getting married and having kids one day, so..." his voice trailed off when Ka-yu's hand brushed his face and cupped it gently. The bassist's gaze held him silent, the steady, familiar face that had been faithfully at his side for so many years. He had loved Ka-yu for a long time but while they both dated women it had been a different kind of love to what they shared today.

"I can't change the world for you," Ka-yu's eyes were intensely honest as he spoke. It wasn't often anyone saw him this serious. "But I'd do anything for you, you know that, right?"

Yasu reached up to cover Ka-yu's hand with his own. He loved Ka-yu's hands, the calluses on his fingers, and the scars on his knuckles from some fight he'd been in at school.

"I know..." He turned his face slightly so that he could brush his lips to that hand. The soft skin on Ka-yu's palm was warm against his lips, and a sudden flash of memory brought back how those hands felt on his body. Warm desire stirred in him.

When he looked over again Ka-yu was still watching him quietly. After a few moments Ka-yu drew him forward and kissed his lips. Tension melted away under Ka-yu's mouth. There was no way he could stay upset at the world when Ka-yu was telling him he loved him like this. He touched Ka-yu's face, the warm skin, feeling the prickle of unshaved hair on his jaw. This frustration would probably never go away completely, not as long as he felt invisible, but Ka-yu soothed his soul, gave him hope, locked out the cold winter and made the world less bleak.

"Come to bed with me," Yasu said when he pulled back. The television showed a picture of an aging couple, but Yasu determinedly ignored it, twining his and Ka-yu's fingers together. He didn't want to be reminded again.

Then Ka-yu stood up with a small smile, tugging on his hand, and Yasu felt the smile spreading across his own face as he followed his partner towards the bedroom.



~*~



Darkness veiled the room except for the lights that shone in from the city beyond the window. It wasn't as bright as Tokyo of course, but there was still enough light to cast the room into a fascinating play of shadows across the walls. At the same time though, it was dark enough that the two in the hotel room didn't have to worry about anyone from the surrounding high-rises looking in on them.

Ka-yu straddled the other man, their fully clothed figures pressed together on the bed. Yasu's body was warm and welcoming under him, and when Ka-yu adjusted his position slightly, fitting their hips together in a way that he knew felt good for both of them, a small encouraging sound came from Yasu's throat. But rather than speaking the vocalist reached up to pull Ka-yu's face downwards, his lips parting invitingly.

In the middle of a tour it was more common for the two of them to get together, far from home, away from everything and everyone they knew, there was a familiarity in being with each other. But this time something was different.

Ka-yu reached for the shirt at Yasu's waist to slip a hand beneath the bunched up fabric, familiar warm flesh greeting his touch.

Abruptly Yasu tensed. His body went rigid, and his hands slipped on Ka-yu's shoulders.

Ka-yu broke the kiss so that he could regard his friend, watching an unfamiliar emotion flicker across Yasu's face.

"What's wrong?" He half expected Yasu to laugh it off in his usual way, with a smile and a joke, but when he glanced away instead Ka-yu went cold. "Yasu?"

The vocalist moved to roll over, forcing Ka-yu to climb off him. He wouldn't look at Ka-yu, instead drawing away, retreating. With his back turned his voice sounded far more distant in the small room.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm so sorry, Ka-yu."

Ka-yu blinked. Suddenly all the fire seemed to have gone out of Yasu. What the hell? It took a lot to shake Yasu's spirit, but now he just seemed depressed, and that was more than a little disturbing. For once that steely determination and brash self-confidence seemed to have drained out of him completely.

Jolted by his friend's reaction, Ka-yu could only sit for a moment and stare at Yasu's back, unsure of what to do: the tense shoulders, the blond hair spilling onto the pillow, the silence that created an unfamiliar barrier between them.

Finally he reached out to lay a hand on the shoulder infront of him, his question gentler than his voice ordinarily gave him credit for.

"Hey, what's up?"

The silence stretched, but Ka-yu could almost sense the debate waging in Yasu's head, and he kept quiet, still a little confused by the way Yasu was behaving.

At last Yasu spoke.

"You shouldn't be here, Ka-yu." Pause, swallow, not sure how to continue. Finally: "I've spent years looking for that girl I could love... maybe eventually get married and settle down, but all I ended up doing was going through girlfriend after girlfriend, you know how I am. I guess I just expected to click with one of them one day, but it was just never right."

He still refused to face Ka-yu. Perhaps it made it easier to say this, like writing lyrics or singing a song, as though the person he was addressing wasn't really there.

"I thought what you and I had was only going to be something casual, nothing that meant anything," he swallowed again. The red glow of the digital clock display by the bedside switched to 23:00 and Yasu's voice sounded strangely hollow to Ka-yu's ears.

"I guess I was wrong."

Yasu... please don't say what I think you're going to say.

Someone exhaled deeply but Ka-yu wasn't sure whether it came from him or from Yasu, he was too focused on the dim red glow of the clock. Hypnotic and ominous in the dark.

"I realised something a few days ago. When we started sleeping together it was just a change from all the women around us, but... somehow, something changed. I was so focused on girls, that I didn't even realise the person I really wanted was right there the whole time."

Ka-yu felt like he'd been punched in the gut, the shock was the same. He sat up, drawing back, suddenly shaken out of his hypnotic spell.

Yasu visibly shrank when the touch on his shoulder was withdrawn.

"What are you saying? That instead of any woman you fell for me instead?" Incredulous. Shocked.

"It's not like I wanted this, Ka-yu," Yasu said, his voice hard and full of self-deploring bitterness. "I didn't even realise until a few days ago why the times I was with you felt so much more meaningful than any time I wasn't with you." A breath hissed past his teeth, and the fire was gone as fast as it had come.

Ka-yu ran a hand through his hair, trying to control the emotions clashing inside. It was hard to be angry with a self-recriminating person. If this had been one of their explosive fights he could have dealt with that, but not this anger turned inwards. Confusion and helplessness swallowed the temper that had begun to rise.

No matter that they'd slept together in the past, the idea that Yasu felt more towards him than friendship was... just creepy. Yasu was straight. So was he. They were friends. Sex didn't mean anything. It was okay as long as it didn't mean anything. Yasu wasn't gay. And neither was he. Didn't people figure these things out earlier in their lives? Suddenly it felt like the whole world was off centre.

"Yasu..." But what to say, how to react, it was all too weird. Try starting at the beginning. "You know I don't feel the same, right?" God, that sounded lame. But it was the truth and he wasn't taking the words back.

Yasu's reply was barely above a whisper.

"I know."

The glowing numbers on the clock silently changed in the dark. Still the vocalist remained lying there unmoving and Ka-yu debated what to do. The room may as well have hung frozen in time, suspended between the seconds.

It was Yasu who took the next step.

"Ka-yu, I'm tired. Let me get some sleep."

Ka-yu nodded, his neck feeling stiff as though he hadn't moved it in an eternity. Then realising Yasu couldn't see him he answered verbally.

"'Kay..."

Yasu drew a deep breath, which sounded uncharacteristically shaky in the stillness.

"I'll see you tomorrow," and as abruptly as that Yasu dismissed him.

"Right... see you then." Uncomfortable. He wanted to say something to break this awkwardness but nothing came to mind. What more was there to say? He wasn't sorry. It wasn't his fault Yasu felt like this. But deep inside Ka-yu something ached.

There was no response as the bassist climbed off the bed, heading quietly out the door. He didn't look back but even if he had he wouldn't have seen the tears at the edges of Yasu's eyes that he stubbornly refused to let fall.

Only out in the corridor did Ka-yu pause to lean back against the wall separating them. His own words played back to him in his head like a mocking lullaby.

Yasu, I don't feel the same.



~*~



The tune of Hyde's song, Hello, broke the quiet of their bedroom.

"Shit."

"Ignore it, Yasu."

Ka-yu had been straddling his thighs, but he was forced to climb off when Yasu rolled over and reached for the pocket of his jeans where they had recently been discarded on the floor. He studiously ignored Ka-yu's dramatised grumbling, even as his partner gave him space to move.

"It's Kiyo," he said, with a glance at the number display.

"Yeah? Ignore it," Ka-yu told him, but his tone was only half grumpy, and his eyes were laughing.

Yasu flopped back in bed with an apologetic little smile. Ka-yu might be happy to ignore a call when they'd just got into bed, but Yasu knew that it would nag at him if he tried to let it go, and Ka-yu obviously knew him well enough to forgive the interruption.

"Hey Kiyo, what's up?"

Not to be left out, Ka-yu stretched out beside him. One hand rested on Yasu's belly, warmly stroking the smooth plane of skin.

"Hey Yasu," Kiyo's voice came over the phone so clearly even Ka-yu must have been able to hear it. "I hope this isn't a bad time, but I wanted to talk to you."

"It's fine."

Ka-yu raised an eyebrow at him.

Yasu just gave him his best look of contrived innocence and turned his attention back to the phone call. He couldn't very well be rude and cut Kiyo off after all.

"You know that CD you gave me? Well, I've been experimenting with some of the music," Kiyo was saying.

At the same time Ka-yu's hand crept up Yasu's chest, his touch light and teasing, warm and sensual all at once.

"There's some great material on here. It's been really fun playing with it, especially the first track."

The hand caressing his chest made Yasu smile. He was going to have to find a way to end this call soon, and in a way that didn't insult Kiyo. His lover's touch sent delightful ripples through his whole body, and the dim light from the bedside lamp gave the room an almost romantic air.

Then Ka-yu pinched his nipple.

"Uh... Yeah?" He shot a glare at Ka-yu, but the other man was now intently teasing his other nipple, causing it to go hard and stiff under his fingers. Yasu tried to ignore the delicious surge that sent through his chest, and swatted at the hand teasing him in a vain attempt to make it go away.

"If we used it for a song do you think we could add some orchestral backing to really carry the melody?"

"I don't see why not," he squirmed. "Listen, Kiyo, can I call you back tomorrow or something? Ka-yu's being a bastard and won't let me talk."

Ka-yu smirked at him.

"What's he doing? No, never mind, don't tell me. I don't want to know," Kiyo said quickly. Knowing their keyboardist he'd either gone bright red on the end of his line, or else he was trying not to start laughing right now. Possibly both.

"Bye Kiyo. I'll talk to you tomorrow," and with that Yasu hung up, facing Ka-yu with a resigned smile.

"Not calling at a bad time indeed."

"You know very well I couldn't just tell him: Sorry, Ka-yu and I were just about to have sex, so you'll have to wait, but you can hold the line if you want..."

Ka-yu snorted and plucked the phone out of his hand. He switched it off and then simply let it fall onto the tangle of jeans on the floor.

"Now, where were we?"

Yasu slipped his arms around Ka-yu's back bringing him closer, and Ka-yu moved to lie more on top of him again.

"Right here, I think..."

The words slurred into a murmur as Yasu's lips were claimed in a kiss again. Skin to skin, naked bodies entwining, the familiar flush of arousal crept over his cheeks. In between smooth sheets and a warm, tempting body, long moments were drawn out silently, Ka-yu's lips and skin the only hold on reality, the only reality.

When Ka-yu finally pulled back he held Yasu's gaze steadily. His eyes were placid and solemn.

"I'm glad you didn't go and get married to some girl, Yasu. I don't know why you chose me, because I can't marry you, and I can't give you a family, but I'm thankful that you did," he idly combed through Yasu's hair as he spoke, sifting red and sandy coloured strands, letting them fall through his fingers. When they were in bed, with Yasu lying prone beneath him Ka-yu seemed to open up and speak more freely, as if at any other time he had to remain guarded.

"I love you, Ka-yu," Yasu said with a fond smile. "I know that I'll never be part of a socially acceptable relationship with you, but you make me happy. More than anyone else ever has."

"So getting Chie's letter today, it didn't make you regret all you lost, everything you left behind when we got together?"

Was that it? Was Ka-yu afraid that Yasu was going to leave him when he wanted a wife and family? Or when social pressure got too much?

"No." Yasu ran his hands up Ka-yu's back, over the gentle contours of muscle and bone, loving the feel of Ka-yu's body so close against him. "The life I thought I wanted when I was younger was before you and I ever got together. The way things turned out... In the end that wasn't what I wanted after all. Receiving that invitation just made me realise how much things have changed, but I certainly don't regret anything. Even if I get frustrated at the rest of the world I don't regret being with you."

Ka-yu smiled at him, a sweet, goofy smile. It made Yasu want to laugh with him and kiss him all over. Ka-yu, I would never leave you.

"But some things don't change..." Ka-yu added.

Yasu wriggled as his legs were nudged further apart so that Ka-yu could settle between them.

"Yeah. Like the fact that even after five years you are still the hottest and single most fuckable guy I have ever seen."

"I was going to say the same thing," Ka-yu murmured, soft and low. Then Ka-yu was kissing him again, and Yasu wanted to melt. He always felt totally undone when Ka-yu kissed him like this. Ka-yu's mouth wordlessly that told him that he was wanted, and he was loved so much that Ka-yu wanted to kiss him forever.

Hot desire stirred in his veins, and went straight to his crotch.

"Ka-yu..." Breathless. Ka-yu's hand trailed over his chest, the backs of his fingers caressing the skin gently. Those dark eyes seemed to be drinking in every detail of his face, like they had done so many times before. Hundreds of times, maybe thousands. Like Ka-yu couldn't get enough, even now.

This was why they were still together; because every day they grew to love each other deeper than the day before. There was no need to ask Ka-yu to know he felt to same; he didn't need to speak it.

Yasu let his hands wander, finding their way around his lover's sides, over the smooth chest and broad shoulders, and down the slender, muscled arms, tracing his tattoos by memory. It was amazing that after five years they still loved exploring each other's bodies over and over again. Learning to know each other intimately, to understand, to memorise. Like playing the same music over and over, never getting tired of it, loving each new performance.

"Yasu, you're thinking too hard again." Ka-yu's eyes sparkled with humour and affection.

"Sorry." The word was out of his mouth before it crossed his mind that he really wasn't.

Ka-yu leaned closer so that his voice was in Yasu's ear, the scent of his shampoo, his cologne, his skin, filling Yasu's senses. Ka-yu filled his head, wrapped around him. Everywhere.

"Don't apologise. Just relax." Teeth latched onto his earlobe and Yasu shivered.

"Un..."

At the same time Ka-yu's touch drifted lower, hand travelling down his body, across his abdomen.

"Now, do I remember you saying something about planning to have sex with me before our keyboardist rang?" To emphasise the point he reached for Yasu's crotch and grasped him firmly.

"Nn... Right, you, come here," Yasu commanded rather than requested. He reached up, grabbed Ka-yu's face and brought it down, seeking his mouth.

This was heaven, he thought as his tongue dove into Ka-yu's welcoming mouth. Heaven on earth. This was as where he belonged, in Ka-yu's arms. Somehow he'd known that for a long time.

"Fuck me, Ka-yu." Hot blood pounded through his body, making him want to crawl even closer to his lover. He wanted to taste him, to take him in, to feel Ka-yu inside him, filling him, until they couldn't get any closer. "I want you in me. Now."

Yasu groaned when he felt one of Ka-yu's fingers press inside him.

"Now? You want me now?" The deep voice held traces of a smile, but at the same time it was heavy with desire.

"Yeah... Fuck, yes," he said, feeling that probing finger slowly move in him, deliberately slowly, and so good. Yasu's fingers gripped tighter to Ka-yu's shoulders, curling against his back.

Ka-yu watched his face, looking insufferably pleased with himself. Smug bastard. But fuck if Ka-yu didn't know exactly how to make him feel good. And he was relaxed enough that Ka-yu could slip two fingers inside him with no resistance.

Determined to return the favour he reached between their bodies and found his lover's erection. Ka-yu arched satisfyingly into his grip. He loved feeling Ka-yu alive and eager in his hand, loved to feel the way Ka-yu responded to him. He wrapped his fingers around the hot flesh, caressing him lightly.

"God, Yasu..."

He gripped a little tighter, the way he knew Ka-yu liked to be touched, stroking harder, thumb brushing the tip when it reappeared from his fist.

"Nnn..." Ka-yu's voice was heavy with lust. His hips thrust into Yasu's grip so that he'd increase his strokes, and Yasu complied without hesitation.

"You like that, huh?"

"You know I do." Ka-yu growled the words, voice a little shaky.

Just then Ka-yu's fingers curled inside him making Yasu's back arch. The jolt of pure need that shot through him made him want to come right then and there.

"Okay, Ka-yu." He let go only for a moment so that he could reach for the lube on the bedside cabinet. But before Ka-yu could form a reply he'd squeezed out a liberal amount and returned to coat Ka-yu's cock in the slippery substance. His partner shivered slightly at the cold sensation.

"Patience never has been your strong point."

"You couldn't stand it if it were." Yasu's smartmouth reply made them both grin.

Ka-yu kissed his cheek and withdrew his fingers for a moment to reach for the lube. Then he was back, spreading it inside Yasu, gently preparing him.

At last Yasu decided that they were ready and wiped the remains of the lube on the sheets.

"You have got to be the most dominating uke ever," Ka-yu told him.

Yasu smiled as his legs were pushed back so that Ka-yu could lie properly between them. He could feel the tip of Ka-yu's erection brush the sensitive skin between his legs, and the sensation and what it meant sent a tremor of excitement through him.

"But you love me anyway, right?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

Yasu's stomach did a quick flip. He stared up at Ka-yu, searching his face, and saw only deep affection and honesty reflected in that luminous gaze. He could die happy if Ka-yu always looked at him like that.

Reaching out to thread his fingers through Ka-yu's short hair, he brought the other man down to kiss him again, long and deep, as though he never wanted to let go again. Lips, tongues, and fingertips spoke more clearly than words, more deeply than any song he had ever written.

When they parted at last Yasu was painfully hard and he ran his hands down Ka-yu's long, muscular torso, gripping his hips.

"Now, Ka-yu. Do it now."

Ka-yu kissed his forehead, shifting his hips, drawing closer, and entering him at last.

"Ah..." Yasu arched his back. He instinctively tightened his hold on Ka-yu, not relaxing until he could feel him inside, filling him completely. The tension of Ka-yu inside him lasted only a few moments, then he began to breathe again.

Already sweat made his hair cling to the back of his neck, and Ka-yu kissed his collarbone, lapping up the sweat that formed there.

"God, Ka-yu, you feel so fucking good."

"So do you." He adjusted his position a little and Yasu groaned.

"Nnn..." He already felt like he was covered in sweat and the cool light of the bedroom felt unbelievably hot. Yet the tightness of Ka-yu inside him felt wonderful, their bodies connected.

"Move, Ka-yu." To emphasise his demand Yasu angled his hips, bringing Ka-yu deeper, and the reply bled into a moan.

"Unnn..."

But he didn't argue. He only pulled back slightly, then plunged forward again, burying himself deep inside. He began slowly, and Yasu savoured each of those strokes. Feeling Ka-yu sink inside him, slowly, deeply, wrapped in the heat of their bodies, close enough for sweat to mingle on their skin.

Yasu tilted his head back, weak with the intensity of those sensations. His hands clutched at Ka-yu's back. The muscles under his hands bunched with each movement, and the skin was slick with sweat. His fingers clenched blindly. So hot.

"Ka... Ka-yu..."

Movements became faster, more urgent, and so fucking good. Ka-yu's hand was on his cock, firm, stroking him steadily, and the combination of sensations made him cry out. Ka-yu's hips slammed against him, driving deeper into him. Harder. Hotter.

"Come for me," Ka-yu's husky voice whispered in his ear. The whole world narrowed down to this: Ka-yu fucking him, loving him, giving him so much pleasure.

"I..." His muscles ached, Ka-yu thrusting into him sending a rush of pure need straight into his cock.

"Come for me, Yasu."

His muscles tensed and with a gasp he was spilling over onto their bellies.

At the same time Ka-yu sunk deep inside him, bringing himself over the edge. His body went rigid as he came.

Yasu clung to his back, relishing the pleasure that swept through both of them and made them tremble.

Then Ka-yu collapsed across him, burying his face in the crook of Yasu's neck as the waves slowly ebbed. And Yasu held him close, arms wrapped tight around him, binding them together.



It was a while before either of them moved. Yasu inhaled Ka-yu's scent, nuzzling his hair, breathing deeply. He loved it. He loved every inch of Ka-yu. Lips moved lazily against Ka-yu's temple, kissing him there, softly.

"Ka-yu..." Perfect. This was perfect. Stroking Ka-yu's warm skin, content to lie there with Ka-yu, sweaty and overheated, pinned to him, close to his heart.

"Hm...?" Ka-yu barely stirred, his voice slurred lazily.

"Do you remember when we decided to get together?" Yasu asked stroking Ka-yu's smooth back lightly. "After I told you how I felt about you?"

He felt Ka-yu's smile against his chest.

"Yeah. I came to see you after the tour was over and after I got over the whole shock of it." For the first time they had sat down to talk - really talk - about what it was they shared, what it was that was happening between them. "It took me a little while to realise we were in this together, and that whatever happened you were still my best friend."

Yasu kissed his head. "Well, I'm glad you decided to give me a chance after all."

"Mm..." Ka-yu nuzzled closer. "Me too."

Their lovemaking left them both spent and drained, drenched in sweat, and wonderfully exhausted. Unwilling to move they simply lay there. Eventually however time urged them up to start getting cleaned. Besides the bed had to be made, their apartment set in order, and the heating had to be turned off because it cost an arm and a leg to keep running all night.



Yasu padded through the apartment to dump the sheets in the washing hamper, and then headed to turn off the heating, all the while listening to the sounds of running water from the bathroom. He hadn't bothered putting anything on, and sweat cooling on his skin made him shiver slightly.

Chie's invitation still stood below the window in the kitchen and Yasu smiled when he caught sight of it. This was home, his and Ka-yu's, and that wasn't going to change any time soon. Not if he could help it.

He was on his way out of the kitchen again, dishwasher humming cheerfully behind him, when Ka-yu stepped out of the bathroom. Still gloriously naked, his skin glistened delectably. He grinned when he caught Yasu's eyes roving over him.

"You're insatiable, aren't you?"

Yasu only smiled peacefully as he stepped closer.

"You know you love it," he said, even as he leaned up into Ka-yu's kiss. They could last forever if they wanted. If they tried. Avex and thoughts of their society flashed briefly through his head. "Is it selfish," he asked softly, their lips barely parting, "if I want only you, despite what the rest of the world expects from us? Because I want no one else in my future."

Ka-yu's eyelids were half lowered as he gazed at Yasu.

"I don't know, but I can't think of anything that would make me happier."

Their lips met again, Ka-yu kissing him so sweetly it made Yasu want to cry. A hand found his, entwining their fingers. This was how they were meant to be. Always.

"Go and get ready for bed, Yasu. I'll switch off the lights."

Boss lay in her corner of the living room watching them lazily, and on the table at the back Pino seemed to have curled up in the corner of his cage somewhere. The television flickered quietly, and a random assortment of music sheets were scattered around Ka-yu's bass on the table. But that was what made it all perfect, that was what made it home.

"Okay," Yasu said. Then he yelped when he felt fingers pinch his rear. "Kyaa..." he prodded his partner in the ribs playfully. "Ka-yu, go and put the children to bed," he said with a nod at their pets to illustrate his words. "My arse will come join you in bed in a little while."

Ka-yu grinned at him.

As Yasu turned and headed to the bathroom door he had to smile, knowing that Ka-yu's eyes were following his every step, watching him.

Maybe it wasn't what their society could picture as ideal, and years ago he would have agreed with that, but that time was past. He was happy with Ka-yu now, and whatever anyone else thought, that was the main thing.















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2006.04.04