Title: Clock of the Heart

Author: Regina Wren

E-mail: wren13 @ gmail.com

Fandom & Pairings: Janne Da Arc; ka-yu x yasu

Keywords: yaoi, romance

Rating: Teens

Words: 2,669

Status: Complete

Disclaimer: As always, my story, but not my people. This is a work of fiction and as far as I know none of this ever happened. This story is only meant for entertainment purposes; it is not intended to harm anyone and I’m certainly not making any profit from this.



Clock of the Heart
By Regina Wren



Yasu rifled through the papers in his hands; mail, newspaper, magazines, but no sign of his music sheets. With a small sound of frustration he let the pile fall onto the table again. He and Ka-yu had been working on a new song together earlier, but apparently he'd left the sheets at Ka-yu's place.

Briefly Yasu wondered how awkward it would be if he rang and asked, but things had been bad enough earlier. It was only with extreme concentration that Yasu had got through the morning, but once the two of them had sketched the basic melody for the song he'd begun to find the atmosphere oppressive and escaped with vague excuses of not feeling well.

Yasu ran a hand through his hair. In his hurry and with all the thoughts tornadoing through his mind he must have completely forgotten to take his notes with him.

Well, Ka-yu would bring them to practice on Monday. The experience of being alone with Ka-yu for the first time since last weekend had been trying to say the least and left him feeling frazzled and tense.

Unavoidably the memory had kept coming back. The memory of Ka-yu's mouth pressed to his, himself responding, kissing back before he knew what he was doing.

"Fuck you, Ka-yu," Yasu said quietly, speaking to the stillness of his apartment. He collapsed onto the couch and pressed his fingers to his temples as though that would erase the memory. "Fuck you for screwing with my head. What the hell do you want from me?" There was no reply but the soft ticking of the clock on his wall.

Kissing Ka-yu wasn't so bad in itself, it was hardly the first time after all, and with all the men Yasu had dated in the past it was hardly unusual. But Ka-yu was... well, Yasu thought, he was one of his best friends, one of his oldest school friends and band mates. And Ka-yu was straight. Sure they'd kissed on stage, but this time was different. This time there had been no one else around but the two of them, so there was nowhere else to lay the blame.

Ka-yu's lips were warm, and the smell of aftershave seemed to wrap around him. Then that tongue nipping at his lips... The memory was as clear as ever. It had felt so good to finally be kissing the man he'd had a crush on for years, like all the best kisses he'd ever experienced rolled into one.

Until Ka-yu pulled away and reality came crashing in.

As though on cue the doorbell buzzed, intruding into Yasu's thoughts like a sledgehammer.

All week they'd faced each other awkwardly, pretending nothing had happened around the rest of Janne Da Arc. That only made it worse for Yasu. He couldn't stop wondering. By the time Saturday morning came round his heart ached and his head ached and Ka-yu's silence was driving him slowly crazy. But he wasn't going to be the one to raise the topic; he had always been gay and his closest friends all knew it, but Ka-yu was the one who had initiated the kiss so he was the one who had to explain himself. In the meantime Yasu was left cursing straight men and the inconsistencies of heterosexual thinking.

He got up and went to the speakerphone, determinedly stopping that line of thought.

"Hello?"

"Hey Yasu, it's me." Ka-yu. Yasu's heartbeat sped up a little. "You forgot your music sheets at my place."

Yasu paused a moment. "You didn't have to bring them over."

"I know, but I wanted to. Can I come up?"

As if he could say no. "Sure."

Yasu pressed the button to open the door as he caught a sudden glimpse of himself in the mirror. He looked tired and his hair was mussed where his fretting hands had tugged and tangled it. By the time he'd preened it back into place there was a knock on his door.

Swallowing a sigh he stepped over to pull it open.

"You left these..." Ka-yu held out a bunch of sheets which Yasu took, but when he searched Ka-yu's face there was nothing to indicate what he was thinking. Still he'd invited Yasu over this morning and now he was here. If he wanted to talk he sure was taking his time about it. Then again maybe it didn't mean anything to Ka-yu after all and Yasu was looking for ulterior motives where there were none. It was all so confusing! Writing music was usually relaxing and fun, but this morning Yasu had been too unnerved by the weird feeling between them so he had left before his frustration could explode.

"You know, you really didn't have to come all this way."

"Yeah well, I figured you might want to look over them again before Monday."

Yasu flicked through the sheets in his hands, trying to decide whether that was a legitimate excuse or not. "Did you call You and Kiyo about organising something for Shuji's birthday?"

Ka-yu leaned lazily against the doorframe. "Yep. They're all out shopping in Akihabara today. Kiyo said he'd call one of us back tonight."

"Okay."

Yasu glanced absently down the corridor - the rest of the building lay quiet for once - before his eyes strayed habitually back to Ka-yu. He knew it was stupid and hopeless to keep yearning after an old school friend who had never even expressed an interest in men, but knowing that couldn't change how he felt. Maybe it would have been better if they had fucked and broken up. Then at least he wouldn't still be wondering what may have been. And now? That kiss. What was Ka-yu thinking now?

The other man was staring out the window at the end of the corridor, and the setting sun gave his face a golden tint. He was a good looking guy, always had been, and Yasu was struck by a sudden dire urge to kiss him again.

Ka-yu's gaze flickered back to him and he bit his lip.

"Do you, uh... want to come in?"

Ka-yu straightened, and Yasu stepped aside hoping the other man wasn't going to think he was coming onto him and freak out or start a fight. But instead Ka-yu only stepped quietly through the doorway.

Yasu wasn't sure whether to smile or bang his head on the wall. They had to face each other now, but he had no idea what was going on in Ka-yu's head, if he was sorry or disgusted or whatever. At any rate he would play the good host and see what happened. Still his heart pounded wildly as he went through the habits of having a guest.

Ka-yu didn't seem too disturbed or angry at least, joking like normal, and Yasu comfortably fell into his habitual light-heartedness. Another part of him wanted to smack Ka-yu upside the head for pretending nothing had happened, but he told himself to be patient. Ka-yu was probably still battling with himself. So he quashed his frustration as best he could, trying to pretend that this was any given Saturday afternoon they spent sitting in his living room.

Of course it couldn't last.

"Yasu, can we talk?"

The clichéd words of opening an uncomfortable conversation. Still Yasu feigned innocence, more a defensive strategy than anything else. "About what?" he asked, killing the stub of his cigarette in an ashtray.

Ka-yu gave him an impatient look. "You know."

Yasu wouldn't meet his eyes instead staring at his table and slouching deeper into the couch cushions.

The seat shifted when Ka-yu leaned forward to put his beer down on the table. Yasu didn't drink much but he always had his fridge stocked for when his friends came over.

"We kissed, Yasu, and we need to talk about that."

"You kissed me first," Yasu pointed out a little annoyed. He wasn't sure why he was feeling so pissy but he felt Ka-yu owed him an explanation, or owed him something at least. It wasn't fair to kiss him and then pretend for a whole week that it hadn't happened.

"But you kissed me back."

"Ok, fine. But it's not like that's unusual for me." Ka-yu looked like he was going to snap something back, but Yasu didn't give him the chance. "Just tell me one thing, Ka-yu. Would you push me away if I kissed you again?"

He knew the words hit home when Ka-yu only stared at him, caught off guard, unable to form a response. Then he inclined his head. "No. No, I wouldn't."

Yasu made up his mind and slowly leaned over, giving the bassist enough time to back away. But Ka-yu was leaning forward too. For the first time that week Yasu took heart and caught Ka-yu's lips with his own. After that there was nothing more to worry about.

Yasu felt a hand on his face, calloused fingers brushing his cheek more tenderly than he had ever imagined Ka-yu capable of, and his heart skipped. Emboldened he nudged at Ka-yu's mouth with his tongue, slipping between the thick lips, tasting the alcohol on them.

Time vanished in those long moments. Yasu never knew how long they remained like that, lost in the feelings of Ka-yu's mouth, his lips, his tongue, and his fingertips.

When Yasu finally pulled away he settled back to give Ka-yu some space, but held his gaze relentlessly. He would have liked to remain kissing Ka-yu forever, but he had to know.

"Why did you kiss me last week?" All of a sudden the nerves and the tension had all faded away. This was what it all came down to. He had to know what it was between them now, he had to be certain.

Ka-yu sighed and ran a hand over his face. "I've been trying to work that out all week. I wasn't thinking, it was just what I wanted to do. Then when I thought about it afterwards I realised that I'm attracted to you; I just never noticed it before. Fuck, that sounds cheesy." He looked stricken, but refused to give in to any weakness, and took a swig from his beer again as though that were somehow reassuring. A real man indeed.

"Is that a bad thing?" Yasu hesitated a question, hoping he didn't sound as scared as he felt. He didn't want Ka-yu to ignore or suppress this. It was probably asking too much, but there was nothing he would have liked better than to be with Ka-yu. They'd been friends for so long, and grown even closer over the years, and no matter how much Yasu wanted to let go and move on, he had never managed to get over his high school crush.

Ka-yu glanced back at him. "It's different for you. You've been gay your entire life; I've only ever liked women, and right now I'm just fucking confused." He didn't sound particularly angry though, more weary than anything else.

Yasu didn't know how to respond to that. Certainly he'd thought Ka-yu was attractive ever since middle school, but then there had been the band and Ka-yu's girlfriends. Up until last week he'd used crass jokes and public fanservice to 'safely' flirt with Ka-yu all he wanted. He hit on the rest of the band too, so as long as he was joking with a wide smile on his face there was no reason to believe he was ever being serious. And if anyone ever was brave enough to ask he simply denied ever having any interest in any of his band mates.

But he couldn't deny that to Ka-yu anymore.

"You know, I wouldn't mind being with you... If you didn't mind of course. But I know that band mates who fuck each other in their private lives don't usually tend to have a good outcome for their band." He was looking for excuses, he knew, but the last thing he wanted was to scare Ka-yu away.

Ka-yu grunted a short laugh. "Yeah..." he paused for a moment. "But they also don't tend to be best friends."

"True." Yasu said, then stopped. Was Ka-yu disagreeing with him? He glanced up and stared at his friend's face.

"Listen, I've been thinking. I know you like me; ever since way back in middle school when you used to spend class staring at my reflection in the window, and that time you ran out at the end of class pitching a tent in your trousers it was pretty obvious to me."

Despite everything Yasu had to laugh at the memory. He'd never thought Ka-yu had even noticed, but he probably shouldn't be surprised.

Even Ka-yu had to smile at that. Then he shrugged, seeming casual. "I don't know what happened, or what changed, but I know what it was like kissing you. I'm not afraid to admit that I enjoyed it, and I want to know why."

It took a moment for that to sink in. "Are you serious?" His voice felt disembodied when he spoke, and everything felt suddenly very surreal to Yasu. "I mean, you're not telling me to fuck off and stay out of your way?"

"Hey, why not try something new, right?"

"I..." At once all Yasu's defensive replies crumbled. He'd spent years perfecting come-backs and excuses if anyone asked, prepared to deny everything he'd ever felt for Ka-yu. That one sentence effectively stripped all that from him. For once there were no clever retorts or jokes to fall back on, only the truth, leaving him suddenly exposed like never before.

Then, to his utmost horror and mortification he felt the prickling of tears.

"Um..." He hurriedly turned his face away, pretending to study the table. "Are you sure?" He still couldn't believe what he thought he'd just heard.

The couch cushions shifted as Ka-yu moved, then a hand gripped his chin, forcing him to face Ka-yu again. The bassist leaned in towards him, his eyes stern.

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. I don't play games, Yasu. Not with women and not with you." If he noticed the hint of tears in Yasu's eyes he didn't say anything, and Yasu could only stare at him wordlessly.

But his eyes drifted closed when Ka-yu pressed a firm kiss to his mouth. Yasu found himself pushed back against the cushions, Ka-yu coaxing his mouth to open. Their tongues slid against each other, tangling, teasing, loving and hungry. Blood pounded in Yasu's ears and his face grew hot. So close. That heat swept through his whole body and he melted beneath Ka-yu, his mind spinning.

He'd never dreamed Ka-yu could kiss him with this much passion, and when Ka-yu finally released him he was breathless. Ka-yu's dark eyes were gentle as he sat back, fearless honesty reflected in his face, something Yasu had always admired in his friend.

Suddenly he flung his arms around Ka-yu's shoulders, clinging to the other man, unwilling to ever let go again. He didn't care if the gesture was embarrassing and effeminate. He only wanted to hold onto Ka-yu. It had taken how many years to get to this point? Now there were no more secrets and no more lies, and the fact that Ka-yu wanted to be with him, willing to find out what it was between them, made Yasu happier than he'd been in a long time.

He smiled and relaxed into Ka-yu's embrace.

For once this was no dream. The scent of Ka-yu's cologne was very real, and the arms wrapping around his back were not only his imagination. He felt one of Ka-yu's hands come up and fingers slide into his hair cupping the back of his neck protectively. How did everything Ka-yu did feel so good? Breathing in the scent of Ka-yu's skin steadied him, and he closed his aching eyes to soak in that reassurance.

Behind them the soft ticking of the clock was the only sound to break the quiet.

 

 

 

 

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Completed: 2005.08.26